Chris Carter pitches, and gets, a variety show. To save money he will Produce, Direct and be the Master of Ceremonies of the show. The show will be on Sunday nights. He promises the Fox Executives that he will be the "new Ed Sullivan." It is apparent that the Fox Executives didn't bother to look at any of the old Ed Sullivan shows prior to agreeing to this. (Leila's note: because of repeated and strategic Botox injections, Chris Carter no longer suffers from the many facial tics and twitches caused by being fired upon by phasers while shooting the pilot of "StarTreX," (See "New Show Ideas." This is #2.) When given a "choice of facial expressions," he chose "happy grin.")

Chris Carter had let off of all the writers at 1013 Productions during the production of "So, You Want To Be Stranded On A Deserted South Seas Island With A Knife-Wielding Psychotic Millionaire" (see "New Show Ideas." #4) so there is no one around to write intros and jokes. He decides he will also be the Head/Only Writer.

The show makes Television History, sort of.

It makes Television History by being cancelled during its premiere.

Chris Carter decides that he can get around strict budget cuts imposed by Fox by re-using monster costumes left over from The X-Files. In a new show, "Touched By A Yentl," the monsters are brought in to be counseled by Mrs. Rosenblum, who works for the federal government and with various law enforcement groups. This is called the Sordid Varmints Unit, or SVU. Mrs. Rosenblum helps rehabilitate the monsters by finding them employment that uses their "special talents" for good!

Chris Carter is able to convince an X-Files fan who is the web-mistress of a parody fan site to play the part of Mrs. Rosenblum for very little money. She's not Jewish, but critics agree she is very convincing as the bossy, meddling title character, which requires no acting ability on her part. (On her website, she actually has the audacity to suggest "new show ideas" to Emmy-winning Producer Chris Carter! Unbelievable!)

In the opening story, Mrs. Rosenblum brings in all her middle-aged women friends and together they teach the Fat-Sucking Vampire to suck fat selectively-a little off the thighs, a little off the tummy, etc. She then introduces him to her cousin, a plastic surgeon, and they form a lucrative partnership.

She gets the Lizard Guy a job with her nephew's catering service. His job is to snatch flys and ants away from the buffet table.

She gets Billy Miles a job as chef in a Japanese restaurant. He slices and dices barehanded, without a knife!

Fans! Help Chris out! E-mail Chris at my e-mail if you have any ideas for more "Touched By A Yentl" episodes! Please include whether you would be willing to portray the monster for the "experience."