The 5 Stages:
These 5 stages were identified by Dr. Kubler-Ross, but some of the comments
are my observations. Please be aware that you may pass through each stage more
than once, and you may be in more than one stage at a time. There is no
particular order in which you will work through these stages. Even when you
think
you have reached the end, another loss may trigger you back into one of the
stages.
Stage 1:A Denial
The first reaction to a loss is Denial.
You tell yourself that it isn't happening. You tell yourself that your spouse
will come back to you. With a divorce, you think that he / she is just going
through a phase or mid-life crisis and will come to their senses. You think
that you cannot accept that it is ending, and you refuse to see the obvious
signs that it is over for the other person. With a death, you just don't accept
it
as final. When they are dying, you believe they will get well. You refuse to
use the term, "died" or "dead".. you say that they have passed on. You don't
go to the grave site to view proof of the death. In general, your mind refuses
to accept what is happening.
Stage 2:A Anger
Anger comes as you begin to accept reality.
In a divorce, the frustrations that have existed in the marriage begin to
come out. You become angry at the way you were treated, about the settlement
offers, about your life that has suddenly changed about the way your spouse lied
and deceived you, at the future you expected that will never be. With a death,
you become angry at fate, at God, at the doctors, at yourself for not doing
enough.
If anger is turned inward (not felt or expressed), one becomes depressed.
Anger should be gotten in touch with, expressed properly and dealt with. It is
important not to be destructive in your anger, but it is equally important to
express your anger.
Expressing anger is a sign that you are beginning to deal with your loss. If
anger isn't expressed, it will make you bitter and hamper your recovery. It is
important not to bury your anger, and it is important to express all of your
anger before you try to forgive that person.
Stage 3: Bargaining
Bargaining is trying to get them back.
With death, the bargaining comes before the death. You promise anything if
God will just let them live.
With divorce, you promise the person you will change; you will do anything
they want if he or she won't leave. You make elaborate plans for what you both
can do to make it better. Sometimes people compromise their values and beliefs
to try to keep a person from leaving. Sometimes a couple will get back
together and try again when one spouse is so insistent that they try again. Very
few
marriages make it after it has gotten this far because the real issues of the
discontent aren't dealt with, unresolved problems are not solved, unhealthy
patterns have become ingrained, and usually one person is very unhappy with the
marriage.
Reaching the bargaining stage shows that you have begun to face the fact that
the relationship is ending. You are past the denial stage. This is a
necessary stage, and it helps you to look at what caused the problems in the
first
place.
Stage 4:A A Letting Go
Letting Go is the beginning of the end.
When the bargaining has failed, and you realize they are gone, you have to
learn to let go. This isn't easy, but it must be done in your own time. You
enter a different type of depression which makes you feel that your life is
over.
You wonder about you are worth, what you are here for, what will you do with
the rest of your life. You feel all alone and think you will be alone for the
rest of your life. This is a dangerous stage in which some people tend to give
up, or even contemplate suicide. It is important to remember that you will get
past this. Just knowing about this stage helps. You can be prepared by
knowing that this is a typical stage, and that you will pass through it. It is a
necessary stage. If you don't let go, you will hold on to an unrealistic dream
for the rest of you life.
With a death, you have to realize that the person is really gone and will
never come back, and that nothing can change that fact.
Stage 5:
Acceptance
Acceptance means that you have reached the final stage.
When you have worked through all of the other stages, you will come to
acceptance. You will realize that it is final, and you are ready to get on with
your
life. In a divorce, you will come to realize that everything happened for the
best, and that your life does have meaning. You will begin to feel free from
the pain and the hurt. You will be finished with your grieving. You are ready
to move on to a new life and let the other life remain in the past. You will
be able to remember the good as well as the bad.
With a death, you accept it as what was meant to be. You accept death as an
inevitable part of life. You will always love and miss that person, but you
realize that you are alive, and you have to go on living and make a new life for
yourself without that person.