Mr. Wonderful Explains Current Events
March 31st, 2001: Bilingual Dreams !
March 30th, 2001: Evolution: Theory, Not Science !
March 27th, 2001: Female Fans Of Federalized Medicine Please Read ! March 23rd, 2001: Mr. Wonderful Attacks Witness !
As my regular readers realize, your Mr. Wonderful has been tasked to serve on a Federal Grand Jury the last seventeen months. The other day, the government witness matter-of-factly stated that he immediately detected the accused's 'Green Card' as a forgery. (By the way, Mrs. Wonderful, who is not a government employee, can also easily detect forged 'Green Cards'.) March 16th, 2001: Empty Wallets Do Not Smiles Make !
March 14th, 2001: Is Jordan Returning ? Oh my gawd! Even on my Fox 24-Hour News Channel they're breathlessly speculating on Michael Jordan's return to the N.B.A. Who gives a flying jump shot!? I'm burning through my forty ninth candle this frying Phoenix summer and I'll be damned to hell if I spend more than the time it takes me to pound out this article brooding over Michael Jordan's future! I thought everyone was losing their jobs and has had their 401-K and retirement savings devastated by the recent stock market slide? And now American's have enough time to slobber themselves to a froth over a guy who can actually purchase more than one share of Berkshire Hathaway stock? I'd much rather watch my teenager play on his high school football team. Do you think I care last year they were 0 and 13? Not that much. I'd rather grab a non-fiction book out of my library and read, "A People's Tragedy - A History of the Russian Revolution." Or breeze through the popular fiction book, "Good Omens", where every time Satan pushes any cassette into his car's tape deck it spews forth the music from "Queen's Greatest Hits". I'd rather spend my time finishing the instructional book, "SAMS Teach Yourself JavaScript 1.3 in 24 hours". And then redesign my web pages to be more attractive for my fans. Or spend my time memorizing my lines and building my character for the Shakespeare play I was recently cast in. I'd rather do anything ("Yes dear, even, by myself, change the oil in the car") than concern myself with Michael Jordan . . . I just haven't the time.
Later this week, [INSIDE] magazine will reveal more details on the mysterious Dean Kamen invention referred to as "IT" or "Ginger". Adam Peneberg using many of the methods detailed in his book Spooked: Espionage in America has discovered that "IT" is a scooter-type vehicle that balances on two wheels.
For decades your Mr.Wonderful has dutifully received his flu vaccine. However this year's potion was in short supply, and being I was feeling poorly for over a month, I kept pushing the injection appointment aside. Now, I've got the flu and here's what's in store for you if you chose not to get the vaccine. Saturday I woke up barely able to speak and phoned and cancelled my donation appointment at the blood bank. I ran some errands then in the afternoon I fell ill. I was unable to move! I couldn't sleep and I couldn't stay awake, I breakfasted, lunched and dined on Nyquil. By Sunday and Monday I figured out the pattern: "Wake up from a five minute sleep with sinus headache, covered in sweat and 102 degree fever. Down two tablespoons of Nyquil and in sixty minutes fever and headache gone. Sleep for five hours in five minute awake sections, five minutes asleep sans dreams. Repeat." Tuesday the fever had gone, but not the sinus headache and a new feeling of a 350 pound XFL lineman standing on my chest revealed its presence. I had attained the mobility of a Strom Thurmond and was able to visit my local Osco to add Robitussin to my flu arsenal for now I had a searing cough that made my sore throat seem a minor inconvenience. Tuesday night I could once again dream but only nightmares dwelled behind my eyelids. Today, Wednesday, I have only enough energy to type this warning and crawl back into bed.
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When I was a mere eighteen years of age, caught between the 'hard spot' of possibly being drafted into the Army, and 'a rock', my continued presence in an educational system I had wearied of by the sixth year of primary schooling, Man first stepped on the moon. Of vital concern to the scientists at NASA was the knowledge, based on the Theory of Evolution, that the moon lander might disappear into a blanket of space dust four to six feet or deeper. Assuming our moon had been in existence for the same many millions of years that must pass through the gut of the Evolution Thesis in order to squeeze out a man from an amoeba, scientists had carefully calculated that by the late 1960s, yards and yards of space debris frosted the lunar surface. After landing in mere inches of moon dust, the calculations and the contrary evidence was quickly forgotten and has never been explained. Today, in the first year of the 21st Century, Francis Crick, who co-discovered the structure of DNA and finds no need for a 'God', writes, "We - have to account for the vast amount of DNA found in lilies and salamanders, which may amount to as much as twenty times that found in the human genome. It seems totally implausible that the number of radically different genes needed in a salamander is twenty times that in a man." And it would be fairly difficult to explain a Theory of Evolution where a primitive salamander has more genetic information than the salamander-evolved scientist disecting him.
I virtually leapt out of my juror's chair as I spat out, "Well after having to penetrate my wall safe last night to fetch my twenty-one year old daughter's original birth certificate which she must produce to her prospective employer. And the fact that she must offer up her original Social Security Card - (which she believes an illegal alien purloined from her wallet) - just how damn hard is it to tell that a 'Green Card' is forged!?" The smile on the witness told the story. These sons-of-a-bitches employers who are getting wealthy by hiring illiterate, uneducated, illegal aliens know damn well what they are doing. Remember this: "Every illegal alien is an outlaw. Every employer is a traitor!"
Man are we going to get slammed in 2001! The inevitable avalanche in the incredibly, unreasonably, and unjustifiably high stock market valuations has already devastated the investment portfolios and 401-K's of most American's. 
That valuation decline will also consume thousands of jobs. And the energy catastrophe in California, a function of government do-gooders not familiar with the operations of a free market, will cause electricity bills across the West to soar like a thermometer pacing a sizzling September summer. Add to those challenges, the fact that the EPA approved, but not proven, summer regimen of MTBE infused gasoline (for cleaner air - har!) cannot possibly be formulated fast enough, resulting in $2.00 per gallon or higher gasoline prices this summer. And the huge jump in beef, pork and lamb costs we're all about to endure, as Mother Europe, in an attempt to halt the march of the 'Hoof & Mouth' disease epidemic, incinerates her livestock. Not to mention the horrendous beef prices we may witness if the European 'H&M' virus (which can live on and in humans for up to ten days) is unwittingly transported to the farms and ranches of these former Colonies . . . Well, we're in for a very rough time folks. Thank God we once again have a President who is more concerned with country than c##t!
This morning a fifteen year old student at Santana High School in Santee, California opened fire with a .22 calibre revolver killing two and injuring a baker's-dozen. All the individuals involved in preventing an incident like this are asking why? Why? Because they missed getting to one child, one child described as a loner. Under no circumstances will school administrators ever be able to get to all the children. These school shootings are now as much of academic life as, latch-key kids, condoms, atheism, and Planned Parenthood. One thing that I believe makes it so easy for our children to kill children is that our own United States Supreme Court has declared murder of the unborn legal. Lawyers and women's rights fanatics can shout to the rafters that a unborn child is unviable tissue a mere leach until it is born and that it is their right to remove it. But the children, the children know that abortion is murder. Murder of the most innocent. And to these children, raised by peers, movies, television and a god-less society see no difference between abortion and out and out murder.
I can't say I'm upset about the virus Napster users may soon be downloading, since I've always considered the 'service' to be equivalent to the massive brick & mortar shop lifting committed by our fine population of illegal immigrants. According to
Due to the tremendous amount of time consumed maintaining over 300 web pages at two different sites and the fact Mrs.Wonderful insists on calling me a worthless bum, I have been forced to take on advertisers. 
