Friday February 9th, 2007
Chapter 1 - The Rebuilding Blocks ... The introduction.
Chapter 2 - Denial ... I wish I were dead. I feel horrible. I am, once again, attempting to type through a film of tears. With a little more effort, I could probably break out sobbing. I remember, almost four years ago, at the beginning of my divorce-sorrow, a good twenty minute weep would refresh me. No longer does that happen. The tears at the end of sobs are just as bitter as those a quarter of an hour earlier. I'm certain denial remains a huge part of my of my life. Gawd, I DO NOT want to be divorced. I'm so upset that she hasn't e-mailed me today - as if she were still my wife. Last night I felt pretty good after I highlighted and finished chapter two. I could see that the ex-Mrs.Dr.Malamud (Hanna Marie) has personality problems just as I do. The author's hint at a factor in my divorce may stem from the Ex's desire to be free from her parent's control, which answers a question I had. The author's state that relocation away from the other spouse can be a factor in divorce, I know it was in my case. Like a gray London fog, overwhelming sadness still blankets my life, with sunshine peeking through only occasionally. Learning that the Hanna-Marie isn't perfect and discovering that the divorce wasn't 110% my fault really helps to lift my mood a bit. I also discovered that I am trapped as a single person for many months because another relationship now would most likely be unsatisfying and soon unwind. I guess I've got to hug my pillow to sleep for another year. I had thought that the only way out of this post-divorce hell was to get back together and re-marry (and this is so very hard to type) ... but I'm fairly certain that is not going to happen. The marriage is over for her, but what about me? I just had a good cry, and I do feel better. Maybe I will get through this divorce yet. Do I really have a choice? On to chapter three.
Saturday February 10th, 2007
Chapter 3 - Fear: "I Have Lots of It!" ... (This chapter is a tear-jerker folks.) It's the fear of the unknown. It's not giving a name to the fear but only feeling the panic, confusion and sadness it causes. Like the movie Forbidden Planet where you can see the footprint being made but not the creature pressing it out. The first time I read through this chapter I had throat choking fits of sobbing. Now, a day later I can read it without emotion. 
So this recovery does get easier. While I lived off the lease income from an old warehouse, Hanna-Marie became the breadwinner in our family. I stayed home and raised the kids, while, after a ten year break, she being the responsible one (OR), jumped back into the job market. While the Missus progressed from a $9.50 an hour C.S.R. position to obtain a Master's Degree, and command over $50 an hour, Dr.Malamud, living on previous accolades, languished. When the divorce came, I, like many housewives, was stupefyingly fearful of not being able to make ends meet. Thank God that she was willing to keep up the house payment; although I did have to get on my hands and knees to beg friends to help pay for Mainio's last two years in private school. Almost every fear mentioned in this chapter resides in my soul. I'm amazed that Wellbutrin XL alone is enough to muffle their siren calls. But, as most of us have heard for decades: "Run away from your fears and they will run with you. Face them and they will disappear." Maybe not disappear, but they will loosen their rottweiler-like grip on your fear-gonads. (And yes, women have gonads too.) This chapter asks us to list our fears, most of which we've been weeping over for weeks and in my case, years. And then we are to pose the "What's the worse that could happen?" question, and then use the rational fear to motivate us to do something, rather than suspend us like a blast from Mr.Freeze's IceCognic rifle.
My Fears in No Particular Order
- Fear of becoming destitute
- Fear of getting ill for an extended period
- Fear of dying alone and lonely
- Fear of never finding a new life mate. Ever.
- Fear of being profoundly sad the remainder of my life
- Fear of changing jobs
- Fear of never earning a decent income
- Fear of going insane
- Fear of being mistaken for Tom Selleck
Monday February 12th, 2007
Chapter 4 - Adaptation: "But It Worked When I Was a Kid!" ... Dear Readers: I am stuck on this chapter. That is because my adaptive behavior in my past relationship was under-responsible while my homework is to carry out changes in responsible behavior. And I'm not continuing on or reading further until I do this one 'responsible' household chore that I've been avoiding for many months. (*Note that Hanna-Marie's adaptive behavior was over-responsible and right this minute is vigorously working behind the scenes -again- cell-phoning Mainio, encouraging him to spend less and contribute more to our household budget. Such a nice mom she is.)
This chapter on adaptation does bring to mind a very early event in our marriage. 
That was the prompt and unexpected passing of the Missus' much-loved father. Even though she was the youngest child, she took over the funeral preparations. During the ceremony, I noticed she wasn't crying, that she was barely even teary-eyed. Concerned, I told her that it was okay to cry. To which she replied something about having to hold the family together. (Understand that many of us marry our 'parent' and my mother, God rest her soul, outwardly was quite attractive (when young) but extremely reserved, virtually to the point of appearing Sigourney Weaver-like cold. Yet deep inside, shielded from the world, she was compassionate, loving and startlingly intelligent. Gadzooks!)
Friday February 16th, 2007
(continued) Chapter 4 - Adaptation: "But It Worked When I Was a Kid!" ...
The challenges exposed in this chapter on adaptation have made tens of thousands of mental health counsellors wealthy. Dozens of books are written each year addressing altering the adaptation responses listed in this chapter. These adaptive behaviors are developed during childhood in an attempt to attain good feelings or protect oneself from bad feelings or even physical retribution from our caretakers. I've found these mostly undiscovered habits tend to be burnt like a ranch's branding iron into the psyche of many adults. Only the ranch in this case was your family. Many readers of this book will struggle their entire lives coming to grips with the issues raised here for it is almost impossible to remove the scarring caused by a red-hot branding iron. The authors do point out that the over/under responsible adaptive behaviors (also known as: parent/child or alcoholic/enabler relationship) is the most common unhealthy adaptation strategy discovered in their divorce classes. I know it was the major factor in my own divorce.
Wednesday February 21st, 2007
Chapter 5 - Loneliness: "I've Never Felt So Alone" ...
This chapter is probably a huge one for most divorcées. My own challenge is not the loneliness per se but worrying that I would forever be alone. That I had become so unloveable I would die lonely and alone.
"The loneliness that comes when that special person is gone is often more intense than any you have ever felt."
They mention the sights and sounds and touch of your spouse being gone. And I instantly remembered, after having hastily borrowed eight-hundred dollars 
to fly out to where Hanna-Marie had job-relocated to reason with her. Later, like a somewhat favored whipped dog, I slept in the same bed with her. While I lay awake, and listened to the thunderclaps of her sleep-induced gas release, I seriously thought of theft. I thought of stealing the pillowcase I had laid my head on because it had her scent smeared all over it. Not a perfume, but her body's scent, a sweet aroma I had not been without since 1977. I thought of surreptitiously stuffing it in my suitcase and bringing it home with me. And then I thought, "If I do this, when she discovers where the pillowcase went, she may think I've gone totally insane and cut off all contact with me. Maybe even take out a peace bond on me!" So I left the scented pillowcase behind.
Wednesday February 21st, 2007
Chapter 6 - Friendship: "Where Has Everybody Gone!" ...
This chapter is probably about having friends. Friends who will also help you on your journey. Since I've never had very many friends I skipped this chapter. However, not having enough friends may have prolonged by years my "climb up the mountain."
Wednesday February 21st, 2007
Chapter 7 - "Guilt/Rejection: Dumpers 1, Dumpees 0" ...
Here we get into the terminology of 'Dumper' and 'Dumpee'. If you can't define them just by reading the words, you should probably go back to your crayons now. Being the Dumpee, the one who got dumped, the majority of my commentary will be from that viewpoint throughout this journal. The Dumper feels extreme guilt, while the Dumpee feels incredible rejection. As a Dumpee I was absolutely as floored by my wife's divorce demand, as if Martian's had landed a flying saucer on the lawn of the White House and began planting potatoes in the rose garden. When I told my live-in seventeen year old son of the pending divorce, he nonchalantly replied, "Big surprise." And then went off to kill his pain with readily available drugs found around his upscale private school. The authors bring up the fact that the divorce is all about timing. And that before the Dumper made her decision, months, maybe years (in my wife's own case) she was dealing with great pain. By the time the Dumpee is hit with the divorce decision, the Dumper has had months to work through the pain while the Dumpee's pain is just beginning.
Wednesday February 21st, 2007
Chapter 8 - Grief: "There's This Terrible Feeling of Loss" ...
Here we get into grief, an emotion that must be expressed and has no timetable. My own grief for the loss of my soul-mate extended four years and six days. 
One day, one week, sometimes as long as one month I'd be feeling relatively good, and then bang! The tears, the sobbing and uncontrollable body motions would throw me down on the floor praying to God that He end the pain. (Unlike the author's, I believe in a loving and involved God.) Here is an example of how great my own divorce grief was. However, please remember that I am as far from 'normal' as Cindy Sheehan is from becoming Secretary of Defense. My father passed away from Alzheimer's disease, leaving my seventy-plus year old mother a widow. I knew she wouldn't live forever, but a far too soon eighteen months later, I was sitting on the floor, back against the wall, outside her apartment bedroom weeping as I had never in my life done before. She had decided to die the night before, she had put in her false teeth, fallen asleep, never to awaken. In the nineteen years I spent at home, I was raised almost entirely by my mother, and her dying was an immense loss. A decade later, after I realized my twenty-seven year marriage was ending, I wept like I wept outside my mom's apartment bedroom: Every ... day ... for ... nine months. Remember the episode of my pillowcase stealing in the loneliness chapter above? When I spent that day at Hanna-Marie's apartment (our adult daughter was living with her) and several times during our 'TV Watching', I had to excuse myself, walk to the bathroom, turn on the exhaust fan and the water faucet and drop down on the floor to weep and heave uncontrollably. It was bad. Very bad. Very humbling to hide my tears like that.
Wednesday February 21st, 2007
Chapter 9 - Anger: "Damn the S.O.B.!" ...
As anyone will tell you, I am a pretty angry guy. I'm angry about taxes, I'm angry about the public school system, I'm angry my teen son's health insurance shot to almost two hundred dollars a month. I'm angry the rats built a nest under the hood of my car and ate the wiring to the headlights. And I'm not shy about screaming and yelling to anyone within spittle distance about my anger. But when it came to being angry at Hanna-Marie, my ex? Couldn't do it. Didn't feel the need to do it. The authors say that Dumpees sometimes hold back their anger in the hope that the dumper will return. However they also say that humor is a release for anger, as are tears. Which may explain me having to take a water bottle to my crying sessions in order to avoid massive dehydration.
Wednesday February 21st, 2007
Chapter 10 - Letting Go: "Disentangling is Hard to Do" ...
This is the chapter that did it for me. In these seven pages, I used my pink highliter so often that the paper was more pink than white. When I took the thirteen question test at the end of the chapter and scored only two correct I knew I had not let go of my love for Hanna-Marie. I re-read the chapter and highlited even more sentences. When I got home from work at 7AM, I read the chapter again, and it struck me that it was time to face facts, the marriage was over and whether I still dearly loved her or not she no longer loves me and she's never coming back. The only way to stop the pain from consuming year number five was that I must finally let go. And I did.
