A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender sees him and tells him "Get out! We don't like your kind around here!" And the mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun-guy!"
A guy walks into a bar. He says "Ouch!"
What do you call a ghost chicken? A poultry-geist!
A horse walked into a bar, and the bartender asked him "Why the long face?"
There was this farmer that had three daughters who were all getting ready for their dates that night. There was a knock at the door, and the farmer grabbed his shotgun and opened the door. A young man standing there said, "Hi I'm Eddie, here for Betty, we're going for spagetti, is she ready?" The farmer yelled, "Hey Betty it's Eddie, you're going for spagetti, are ya ready?" And the two kids went off. A little later there was another knock at the door, and once again, the farmer grabbed his shotgun and opened the door. The young man standing there said, "I'm Joe, here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer yelled, "hey Flo, it's Joe, he's taking you to the show, you ready to go?" And the two young people went off. A little later there was a third knock at the door and the farmer grabbed his shotgun and opened the door. The young man standing there said, "Hi, I'm Chuck," and the farmer shot him.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has to really want to change.
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three bulbs.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A tree in a golden forest.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb
How many can you afford?
How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five: one to hold the bulb and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"Oh wow, is it like dark, man?"
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, it's left to the reader as an exercise.
How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, and one to change the bulb.
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into.
How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
There's nothing to change.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but how'd they get in there?
Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.
Greg, Kip, and John, three explorers, were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo. The cannibal chief said to them (amazingly, he could speak English!), "If you pass the tribal test we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit." So the three guys scampered into the woods, and Greg came back first with 10 apples. The chief explained the trial to him: "You must shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you will be eaten." The first apple was OK, but Greg winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and went to heaven (he was a good explorer). Kip came back with 10 berries, and the chief explained the trial to him as well. Kip didn't think it should be too tough, and began. 1...2... 3...4... 5... 6... 7... 8... but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was immediately killed. Greg and Kip met in heaven, where Greg asked, "Kip, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!!" Kip replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw John coming with an armload of pineapples."
