--Al Capone
"A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself."
--Henry Morgan
"The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'."
--Larry Hardiman
"If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging."
--Mister Boffo
"A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body."
--Unknown
"If time is a waste of life, and life is a waste of time, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives!"
--Unknown
"In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
--Douglas Adams
"Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself."
--Peter da Silva
"Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!"
--Matt Frewer as Dr. Mike Stratford in "Doctor, Doctor"
"I took care of myself. My dad always used to tell me that if they challenge you to an after school fight, tell them you won't wait-- you can kick their ass right now."
--Cameron Diaz
"More and more I'm not sure I get my show."
--Dave Letterman
"Turning 35 isn't that traumatic for me, because I didn't hit puberty until I was 30. The key is to pace yourself."
--Conan O'Brien
"I think one can be narcissistically nuerotic and condescending at the same time!"
--Janeane Garofelo
