Love Letters To Our Angels

I don't know where to start. I know on the outside I look like I'm doing fine, but you can't imagine the pain I feel inside. You made me so happy from the day I discovered I was having you.

At first the thought of being a mother was really scary to me. I wondered just how ready I was and If I was capable of being a good mother. But when I saw you for the first time, It was one of the best days of my life. You looked so happy and content inside of me, I knew you were really there and that you were safe and happy to be there.

I felt no pain during this pregnancy, you felt so good inside of me. Everything felt right, Until I got the worst news of my life on 1-9-98. That's when I learned you had Trisomy 21. My heart was torn in two. If it weren't for your wonderful daddy and much family support, I would have totally fell apart. I couldn't understand why this happened, I asked the doctors,"Could this be a mistake?", I wanted to hold you in my arms so bad.

I think I felt a light kick once, OH what I wouldn't give to feel that again. I always took healthy babies for granted, not anymore. I miss you so much my sweet little Angel. I'm sorry you had to suffer this.You were/and still are the "part that makes me whole!"

On January 14, 1998, I lost you forever. I would never be able to hold you in my arms and kiss your tiny innocent face. You had to leave my safe womb which protected you. When they pulled you out of me, they took a piece of my heart with you.

My sweet Christopher, you will never be replaced. You will always be my first born. Everytime I see an angel anywhere, that's you. I hope you understand the decision that was made for you was made from love. I couldn't let you suffer any pain, I couldn't live with that, I love you too much.

I miss you soo much. I love you. You will always be in my heart and my soul.

Love, MOMMY

My little prince, another holiday season has come and gone and as always, I feel such a longing for you, espcially since you were due on Christmas Day. Katie and Patrick both had Valentine's parties this week, so we are in full Valentine frenzy at the house. Katie talks to you every day and will make sure your brothers know all about you. You will always have a special place in my heart and are part of my life every day even though you're not with me....
I love you, Mom

My baby Madison,

First of all I want you to know how much I love you. You were the baby that I had dreamed of my whole life. I was going to have a beautiful little girl! When we found out the terrible news that you had a birth defect, I was so shocked and grief ridden. I didn't think this could ever happen to me and your dad. Your tiny little body was not formed right. You would have to go through so much pain after being born. This would be physical pain and emotional pain because this world would not love you like your parents. I wanted you so much! The doctors gave us a choice. We could let you be born and suffer this pain or we could end it before it began and send your soul back to GOD. In my eyes, there was no choice even though this was difficult to face. I would have to take the pain and live with it. I could not let you suffer because I loved you too much.

You were stillborn on February 24, 1998. You were so tiny and so beautiful! We held you and I know it wasn't for long, for I would give anything to go back and hold you again. I wish that I could have seen you born alive, to see your eyes, your smile, and hear your voice. You will never be replaced, please don't be mad at me. I did what I thought was best for you even though it causes me so much pain. I feel so empty without you, but I have to remember that you are in a wonderful place now where you won't feel any pain.

Your daddy and I will plant a tree for you soon. We will get to watch it grow and blossom in memory of you. It will do the growing that you would not have known. I don't understand why GOD put you in a broken body and will never know. I have to accept that you are gone physically, but you will be with me always and I will never forget the 18 weeks that you lived inside me. It was a very special time for me, I remember fondly hearing your heartbeat, seeing you on the ultrasound screen and feeling you move inside me. No one will ever take these memories from me. I hope that you find your way into a healthy body and grow up living a good life. This is my one wish. Please know that your father and I sent you to heaven because we loved you and never wanted to see you suffer.

Love, Mom

Dear Jason Jr.,

You were to be born tomorrow. Instead you came in this world January 14, 1998 at 5:18am. You died 2 minutes later.   When they brought me your still tiny body, mommy died with you. Maybe not physically, but spirtually. I knew that I would never get to feed you or kiss you or hear you tell me you love me. Sunday is mothers day. A day that like tomoroww, I will not be able to live through. I can only hope that God can carry me through it. I pray everday that you know Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you. You are very special to us because you are our first born. I wish daily that I could join you in the Promised Land so that I can be a mommy and have a true reason to celebrate Mothers Day. Please know that Mommy misses you more than anything in this world. Had it been my choice, you would have lived and I would have died for you. My little man, mommy loves you. Please don't ever forget me. I will never forget you, my precious baby boy. I love you.

Love Always and Forever, Mommy



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