I hate my closet.
Well, not really the closet but rather what's IN my closet.
Sometime after the age of thirty, my clothes began to turn on me. Somehow, they have conspired together - the blouses and jackets, the pants and jeans and skirts - to make me look FAT! Imagine, me, fat! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Why, I'm the kid who could eat anything I wanted and not gain an ounce. And I really don't think that 20 years and two children should make a difference.
It can't be me - I'm not a compulsive overeater, and I'm not all that fond of sweets. So, it MUST be the clothes.
Let's look at this logically. The clothes have an intimate knowledge of my body, and therefore have the opportunity to use that knowledge against me. As to motive, well, I'm not the best caretaker in the world, and I often don't wash in cold water, hang to dry or use a cool iron, so my clothes MAY have reason to dislike me. Motive AND opportunity. That's enough to convict in most states.
Every morning I venture into my closet and have a stare-down with shirts, blouses, pants and skirts hanging there in seeming innocence. And what appears to be a perfectly good shirt on the hangar will deliberately shrink the moment it comes into contact with my body, causing buttons to pop and sleeves to fit too tightly.
I recently discovered that even my SHOES are in on this. Suddenly, I'm not comfortable in anything less than a size 8 - and I'm the girl with the dainty size 5 feet! I mean, when did my feet get fat? It must be that more shoes are being made in Korea. Everyone knows Asians have tiny feet, so the sizing must be different. It can't be me.
But the worst culprits are the jeans. If I buy jeans that fit around my waist, the rest the jeans hang down to my knees, looking like the teenagers who wear the baggy, baggy pants. Don't they know that I don't have a bottom the size of Texas? I'm just "short-waisted." And if I do manage to get them to fit successfully, the fabric conspires to tighten about my waist to the point that the front pockets protrude. How come they didn't behave this way when I got them?
