James Bond, Double-Oh-Zero

Rating: PG-13

Written: May '99

Category: Humor, romance

Spoilers: none

Disclaimer: J, J, and M ain't mine and never will be.

Summary: James falls in online love with a girl, trying to make Jesse jealous.

Author's note: This was really fun to write! I'm sure you won't regret reading it! And I named Rose Flame after my buddy Frogwoman's webpage: http://angelfire.com/me2/frogwoman Go there now! Well, after you read this, that is.

Feedback: Allicatt3@aol.com. It's what I live on.

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James Bond, Double-Oh-Zero

by Rocket Jesse

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The smell of morning rain wafted in through the open windows and brought me into the realm of consciousness.

Rain… that meant we got a day off. Team Rocket always takes vacation days in the wake of a single drop of water from the sky.

Otherwise, it would mess up our hair.

"Jesse! Jesse! We get a day off!" I yelled to my sleeping partner.

"AAAAAAHHH!!!"

Well, she wasn't sleeping anymore.

"James, what do you think you're doing, yelling in my ear like that and-- DAY OFF?!" She jumped up with a brilliant smile on her face. "Yes! Rain!"

But off days do not deter her from her daily mad dash to the bathroom. I still find it hard to believe that she can get her entire morning routine done in ten minutes. It always takes me twelve!

By this time, Meowth was wide awake. "So, what are we gonna do today?"

"We could go to the zoo!"

Hey, I love the zoo.

"You numbskull! The zoo is outside. It's raining. Hello?"

"Aw, but Meowth, I really wanted to see the pandas!"

Being such a moron, he looked confused. "What are pandas? Are they Pokémon?"

"Haven't you ever watched tv? They live in China."

"Oh! You must mean those fake 'animals.' James, pandas ain't real."

That struck me as odd. "Oh."

"I know! I wouldn't wanna do this, but you might think it's fun. This inn has a library downstairs, and--"

"Library? Forget it!" I've never told anyone this, but I have a terrible fear of large numbers of books.

"No, no, ya didn't let me finish. They've got a bunch of new computers down there with internet capabilities. An' don't worry; they're in a separate room from all them books. I know how you're scared of those."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twenty-five minutes later, I'd positioned myself in front of a shiny new blue I-Mac computer. Jesse was at her own red one about five feet to my right, typing away like she'd been born in front of a keyboard.

Flexing my fingers, I looked over at her and saw that she'd taken her gloves off. That made sense; it'd be easier to type. Once I figured out how to get into a chat room. "Jesse? How do I get online?"

"Double click on the Netscape icon."

I proceeded to do just that. After about five tries, I finally opened it.

"Now what do I do?"

She sighed, irritated at something. It couldn't have been *me,* of course. "I'll do it."

Once she was standing right next to me, I had to struggle against the urge to pull her into my lap and whisper sweet nothings in her ear. She was *so* close to me, and I could smell her, and…

"Okay, James, what do you want your screen name to be?"

"Huh?" Her face was mere inches from mine.

"You have to pick a name to use if you want to go into chat rooms. You *do* want to chat, right?"

"Oh, uh… yeah. How about James Bond?"

Without hesitation, she typed that onto the screen while saying, "Somebody's probably already using it, but we can try it anyway." After she clicked a few more buttons, she shook her head. "Nope. Gotta think of a different one."

I found if very difficult to think with her *right there.* Nevertheless, my genius mind prevailed. "Doughnut Man?"

One of her eyebrows raised, but she still typed it in.

"I don't know what other human being would use that besides you, James, but it's taken. Think of something else."

"Well, of course. Nobody but me could think of something so clever as Doughnut Man."

For some reason, she turned her head away and made a kind of snickering noise for a second. She couldn't have been laughing at *me.* Duh! If I asked her what it was, though, she'd probably hit me.

When she looked at me again, I said, very suavely, "Doughnut Man double-oh-seven?"

This time, she put one hand to her mouth and made that same sound while she tried my new idea.

"Nope. Why don't you just do this on your own, and call me over once you've got a name?"

"But… but…" I desperately attempted to think of a reason for her to stay bent over my keyboard. "But I don't know how!"

"Weren't you watching me?"

Well, I *was* watching *her,* but not what she was doing. "No."

She sighed again and typed in "James." "Now, pay attention. Once you type in a name, you click here." She clicked there. "Then, if it says that name is already being used, like this one, just click on 'back' and try again. Got it?"

Half of my brain had been listening to her, but the other half had been frantically trying not to kiss her. "Do it one more time."

She did the exact same thing without speaking. "Okay, James?" she asked when she finished.

"Once more."

::WHACK::

"Ow… okay… got it…"

Unfortunately, she retreated back to her own computer.

Oh, well. I could meet somebody online and make her jealous.

Once I think of a name!

Hmm… something all the girls would fall for…

James Bond 007!

I typed it in, but, when I clicked on the button Jesse'd shown me, it said "already in use." So I clicked on back. It wasn't too hard, once I'd remembered what she'd told me all those two minutes before.

James Bond 006, maybe.

Nope.

James Bond 005?

Nope.

James Bond 004?

Nope.

James Bond 003?

Nope.

James Bond 002?

Nope.

James Bond 001?!

Nope.

James Bond 000?!?

YES! FINALLY!

"Jesse, I did it! Come help me some more!"

Before I knew it, she was right in front of me again. I might have smiled, but I really wasn't keeping tabs on my facial expression.

"Now what do I do?"

"Think of a password."

Password? Easy! Jesse!

"Okay, got one."

"What *is* your password?"

"Um… why do you have to know?"

"So I can type it in and get you in a chat room and go back into my own room and be in peace."

"It's…" Oh, man! How was I gonna get out of this one?! "It's…" She'll whack me if I tell her! But, she *does* seem to be in a good mood… "It's…" Then again, her temper can go off just like that!

::SLAP::

"What is it?!"

Oh, well. Might as well tell her as long as I'm already in pain. "Jesse," I quietly said. I couldn't look her in the eye. I'd wince.

My shoulders were hunched and my body was tense, ready to be hit again. I waited, but… it didn't come. Instead, she just typed her own name into the computer screen. "Uh… okay… Jesse it is, then James."

Tentatively, I turned my head to see her while she entered in the rest of the stuff. If I'm not mistaken, she was blushing.

*Jesse* was blushing.

Woah, metal overload.

*Jesse* was *blushing*?!

Why in the world was she blushing?

Once I'd realized that I couldn't answer that on my own, I came up with the solution to a different problem a tiny bit too late; I didn't have to *tell* her my password! I could've just typed it in myself!

It doesn't really matter, though. As long as she didn't hit me.

Hey, maybe she was blushing because she's my password!

Nah, who am I kidding.

"There ya go," she announced, refusing eye contact. "Just type in what you want to say here, then press enter. There's a list of all the different rooms on the side of the screen, so just double click on the one you want. Knock yourself out." Again, she left for her own computer, but turned to me when she sat down. "What did you choose for your screen name?"

"Something seductive."

"I don't want to know." With that, she dove into her computer.

Well, you know, not literally.

For a few minutes, I just stared at the screen watching strange people flirt, spazz, and show off with weird little pictures. It got boring fast, so I clicked on "romance."

A whole different list of rooms came up, but it didn't scare me! I picked one that was called "The Rose Room." It would be great to find a girl who loved roses as much as I do! Jesse would get *so* jealous!

Wait a second. Why would she be jealous?

Eh, that doesn't matter. I just know she would be.

Woah, and why do I want her to be jealous?

I had it a while ago, but… aw, forget it. Too complicated.

Time to pay attention to the screen.

Angelbabe15> So, no guys?

Cutie Pie 999> What a bummer.

Rose Flame> I'm sure they'll get here anytime!

Your Brat573> Your room sux, Rose. I'm ditchin.

Your Brat573 has left the room.

Rose Flame> But I just let a guy come in here!

Cutie Pie 999> You're right, James Bond *is* a guy's name.

Angelbabe15> Talk to me, James.

James Bond 000> Hello.

Rose Flame> Hey there, James. Age/sex? I'm 17/f.

I figured out the age/sex thing out all by myself in under ten seconds! Proud?

James Bond 000> 17/f

Cutie Pie 999 has left the room.

Angelbabe15 has left the room.

James Bond 000> Oops, I mean 17/m.

Rose Flame> Finally, a male. I was beginning to worry that no guys would come into my chat room.

James Bond 000> I like your name.

Rose Flame> Thanx. I just happen to love roses.

James Bond 000> So do I!

Rose Flame> =)

Hey, this girl sounded pretty cool. She loved roses!

Rose Flame> So, what do you look like?

James Bond 000> Blue hair, green eyes, 5'10"

When she didn't respond, I prompted her.

James Bond 000> You?

Rose Flame> You don't work for Team Rocket, do you?

James Bond 000> How did you know?

Rose Flame> Lucky guess. Got a partner?

James Bond 000> Yeah, her name is Jesse. Do you work for Team Rocket, too?

Suddenly, Jesse burst out laughing. I looked at her strangely, but when she saw me, she just laughed harder. Once she calmed down, she was typing again.

Rose Flame> Actually, yes. I've got red hair, blue eyes, 5'7", a model's body, and absolutely gorgeous. Have you seen me around?

James Bond 000> No, I don't think so. But it sounds like you look just like Jesse!

Jesse started to laugh again. But once she got wind that I was talking to somebody just as beautiful as she was, she'd be *really* jealous and certainly wouldn't be laughing anymore!

Rose Flame> Tell me about Jesse.

Now, I'm not exactly the fastest typer in the world, but eventually I got all this out.

James Bond 000> She looks exactly like you described yourself. She's SO pretty. But her temper tends to go off a lot and she gets really violent. Other than that, she's a genius, determined, strong-willed, and my best friend.

Rose Flame> Sounds like you've got a little crush on her.

James Bond 000> If you must know, I'm only in here to make her jealous.

Rose Flame> Hang on a sec.

Standing up with fire in her eyes, Jesse came to me with her fan in hand.

::WHAM::

"What was that for?" I whimpered.

"I'll tell you later."

Then, she was typing again.

Rose Flame> Okay, I'm back. So, you DO have a crush on Jesse?

James Bond 000> I wouldn't say crush… it's more like I'm in love with her, I guess.

This wasn't really turning out to be the kind of online relationship I'd had in mind, but I was really starting to like Rose Flame. She understood me almost like Jesse did. Again, she took her time replying.

Rose Flame> You know, I think I'm in love with my partner, too.

James Bond 000> What's he like?

Rose Flame> Oh, I guess you could say he looks like you. Very nice physique, and quite the stud. He's really stupid at times, but pretty intelligent at others. And, when he's not thinking about food, he's a surprising sweetheart.

James Bond 000> He sounds okay. What's his name?

Rose Flame> James.

What are the odds?

James Bond 000> Wow! That's my name, too!

Off to my side, Jesse sighed heavily.

Rose Flame> So, James, what's your sign?

James Bond 000> Virgo. You?

Rose Flame> I'm a Capricorn. You know, we'd go well together. Virgos & Caps are practically made for each other.

I seriously did not know that. Jesse was a Capricorn, too.

James Bond 000> Then I guess we should get to know each other better.

Rose Flame> I know you better than think, James.

James Bond 000> Really? What Pokémon do I have, then?

Rose Flame> You have a thing for poison-type Pokémon, but are embarrassed at your Weezing's low ability. You've also got a Victreebel, which has an acquired taste for your head. And, you've got a soft spot for a certain special Pikachu, although you can never seem to get your hands on it.

James Bond 000> Wow. You got all that from my zodiac sign?

"Hey, James," Jesse said, "Why don't we go up and see if it's still raining? We should check on Meowth, too."

"Okay. Just a minute."

James Bond 000> I'll be right back.

Rose Flame> I'll be with ya.

I assumed she meant that figuratively, got up, and, a second later, Jesse did. We left the computer lab.

"Jesse, what if somebody uses our computers?"

"Nobody will. Practically everyone's still asleep."

Itching to tell her I'd met somebody, who, by the way, I believe I was starting to fall for, I decided now was as good of a time as any. "I found this one girl in a chat room."

"Oh. Like her?"

Stepping into an elevator with her, I replied, "Yeah, I like her a lot. I feel like I've known her forever. She even knew about Weezing, Victreebel and Pikachu. Says she looks just like you."

Without getting the slightest bit angry, she told me, "I met a guy."

Damnit! "Uh… that's nice." Why wasn't she jealous?! I was!

"Yeah. He says his name is James."

We walked to the window-- thankfully, it was still raining.

"Weird."

On our way back down, we saw Meowth through the plexiglass talking to another Meowth and a Rattata. Meowth looked awfully hungry…

"This James guy-- he sounds just like *you,* James."

"Weird."

"HOW THICK IS YOUR SKULL?!?!" she screamed.

I recoiled in fear, but then I had my big epiphany.

And I mean *big.*

She cleared her throat. "Uh, I mean, don't you think that's a little *too* weird?"

Relieved that she didn't smack me, but still afraid she might, I carefully spelled out our situation. "I've noticed a lot of weird things happening today, Jesse, and the only thing I can think of that would explain all of it is that…"

"Yes?" She suddenly seemed very interested in me as we arrived in the computer room.

"…that the planets are in alignment."

::SMACK::

And into my chair I slid. She'd be back to normal by tomorrow, when the planets weren't aligned anymore.

And, hey-- if I asked Rose Flame to meet me, that would definitely make Jesse jealous, no matter how weird she was acting.

James Bond 000> I'm back.

With a little huff, Jesse plopped down in front of her computer.

Rose Flame> Well, now that you've had time, what do you think of me?

James Bond 000> I'd really like to meet you. I think you're great.

And I wasn't saying that *just* to make Jesse jealous. I thought I could have some kind of a future with Rose Flame. Our signs *did* match, after all.

Rose Flame> Thank you. I'd love to meet you, but… you never even asked me what my name is.

James Bond 000> Oh, I'm sorry! What is your name?

Rose Flame> My name is Jesse, James.

James Bond 000> Hey, same as my partner!

I heard Jesse growling, and when I looked over at her, she was clenching her fists and veins were popping out on her forehead over her tightly shut eyes. After a minute, she calmed down a little and went at her keyboard again.

Women.

Rose Flame> So, you want to meet me, do you?

James Bond 000> Sure do!

Rose Flame> What would you say if I'm staying in the same trainer inn as you are, and that I can see you right now?

James Bond 000> I'd say that's pretty cool. Are you here on one of these new computers, too?

Rose Flame> Well, if I can see you and I'm at a computer, what do you think?

James Bond 000> It's just that the only person in here besides me at a computer is Jesse.

Rose Flame> I AM Jesse.

James Bond 000> I mean my partner.

Rose Flame> So do I.

James Bond 000> What?

Rose Flame> I know what your password is.

James Bond 000> How? What is it?

Rose Flame> It's my name.

James Bond 000> Well, it's really my partner's name.

Rose Flame> Exactly.

James Bond 000> Exactly what?

Rose Flame> See that little personal study room?

James Bond 000> By the door to the library?

Rose Flame> Yeah, that one. Go in there. I'll be with you in a minute.

James Bond 000> Should I get offline?

Rose Flame> Yes. Just click on 'exit' under 'file.'

James Bond> Okay. See you in a minute, then.

Rose Flame> Yep.

Let's see… file… up at the top. Okay, exit… at the bottom… Hey, that was easy.

When I stood up, Jesse looked at me with her big beautiful blue eyes. "I'm meeting that girl I met," I explained.

Wait… that sentence didn't… quite… come out right.

"That's wonderful, James."

She didn't notice! Feeling totally confident, I strutted to the little study room. This was so exciting! Once inside, I shut the door behind me and sat in the lone chair in front of the desk. The single window was up too high, so I couldn't see her approaching.

Hearing the doorknob click and slowly turn, I perked and jumped to my feet. It swung open dramatically to reveal…

Jesse?!

What?

"Jesse, I was going to meet her in here."

Rolling her eyes, she shut the door. "I know." Then she walked right into my personal space, which, I'm sure, made my cheeks nice and pink. "Think about it, James," she said in a *very* charming voice. "Think about your Rose Flame."

"Uh, how… how did you…"

"Know her name?"

I swallowed a bit too loudly. You could've heard a pin drop in that room. "Y-yeah."

"Think, James. Who is she?" Her small bare hands ran up my chest to rest on my shoulders.

Obviously, thinking again became strenuous for me with Jesse so close and… and… I could feel her breath in little puffs… and… I was melting! "Sh-she's… ah… a Team R-rocket member… named… named J-jesse… and her… ah… her p-partner's name is… is James… and sh-she has red hair… f-five seven… model body… b-blue eyes… and… she's g-gorgeous…" Again, I gulped. Maybe trying to make her jealous wasn't such a great idea after all.

She brought her hands around to the back of my neck and whispered, "Yes?" into my ear with her hot breath tickling my skin.

"And… a-and… she… loves… r-roses…"

When she reached into my pocket, I doubtlessly thought that my face was so red that it would blind her if she looked at it. But, miraculously, it didn't-- she just pulled a rose out of my pants and held it up between our mouths.

"Yes, James, I do love roses."

I feel another epiphany coming on…

…another really, really big one…

OH MY *GOD*!

*JESSE* WAS ROSE FLAME!

Oh my god.

"You're… you're… you're…"

"Rose Flame?"

I don't do so very often, but I dumbly nodded.

"Congratulations, James. You get a prize."

My body was stunned into stillness; I could do nothing but watch her as she flung the rose to the side, revealing her cat-like smile… which… was… moving forward.

She was gonna kiss me!

Oh my god.

All I was capable of was shutting my eyes.

And just as her lips grazed mine, the door flung open.

"Alright, break it up. This is a library, not a make-out room! Go on, get outta here."

I couldn't even see what the woman looked like-- all I could focus on was Jesse as she grabbed my hand and dragged me out. Still speechless and with Jell-O legs, I had no choice but to follow her into an elevator.

The doors shut, and once we were alone and moving, she slapped the emergency stop button. The car came to a standstill, but she turned to me with this wicked look on her face and a husky voice. "Well, James, looks like we're stuck. Good thing we have the day off…"

You can guess what happened next.

And it *was* a good thing we had the day off.