I remember it all like it was yesterday and I smile sometimes but I cry alot of the time too because I miss my baby boy's so much.
Dakotah Rayne came to us on a Wednesday morning, I woke up and I was bleeding I was frightened that it was happening again since we had lost our twin son's Gunnar and River last year in April. I tried to call my husband Tim at work but he was in a meeting, I tried to call my doctor but he was at another hospital delivering another baby, the nurse told me that he would be in at 9:30 and to come in then but I knew that it could not wait I called my mom at work and she told me that she was on the way to get me to take me to the hospital and told me to try and reach Tim again but I was so scared that I was not thinking to dial that 0 to get the operator at his work so I called a friend of our's and he said that he would get a hold of Tim. I rushed around the house and I did not notice right away that I was having contractions, but I got dressed and got Timmy and Jessa ready and then my mom was there and we were on our way to the hospital and I could see the fear in my mothers eyes and she could see the fear in mine.
We got to the hospital and they took me in right away and I explained to the nurse of my history and what had happened last year with Gunnar and River she set me up on a fetal monitor and I was SO relieved to hear his heart beat going strong and I started to cry because I was afraid that my doctor would not get there soon enough and We would loose him too. The nurse had called my doctor and informed him of what was going on and he told her to stop my contractions, he was talking about doing a c-section.
In the mean time our friend had gotten ahold of Tim and he was on his way by the time he had gotten there and my mom had told him of what was going on he was mad that I had let them stop my contractions because that is how we lost our twin son's because we didnt know at the time what the drug might do to me or the baby.
By the time he came in to see me my doctor was there and they were already getting my ready for surgery.
We went into the operating room and I was given an epidural but it did not take when my doctor went to do the belly check I could feel the scalpul touching me and when I told them that I could feel it my doctor said knock me out and the thought scared me to death I was afraid that I would not wake up or see my children again, I started to cry as he put the mask on me and they made Tim leave the room.
Tim said that he paced in front of the door until he heard that beautiful sound Our Son was crying, Dakotah Rayne was born and as soon as they heard him cry they got Tim from the hallway so that he could see Our son, the first thing that he saw was a little butt sticking up in the air that looked like a little peach, he said that he held him and cried he got to walk him to the NICU Special Care Nursery then he went to get my mom who had called my sister Donja she was on her way to be with me. Mom got to hold him, she called him her Sugar-Bear.
I remember coming out of the anistetic and crying for my baby, I kept saying where is my baby? I want my baby. Tim tried many times to consol me and tell me that he was alright he even tried telling me over and over how much he weighed and how long he was but I would not believe him I had to see him for myself.
To this day I do not know how they did it but they wheeled me into the NICU so I could see him for myself and feel him as soon as I saw him and touched him I tried to pull him out of the incubator because I wanted to hold him so badly the nurse had to stop me, I touched his back and he knew it was me that was the first time I called him MY ANGEL FACE, he smelled so sweet and he was so tan (obviously had his daddy's skin tone..haha).
I did not get to really hold him for very long until the next day, I got to hold him for awhile but I still could not feed him and that broke my heart but I was holding, kissing and touching him he was alive and breathing and that is what mattered most of all. When I finally got to feed him he took to me like there was no tomorrow. He liked to eat. He was HAPPY and HEALTHY.
Timmy and Jessa came to the hospital every day they did not really believe that their brother was in the NICU because they could not see him, I talked to the nurses and they let us go into the nursing room and they let Timmy and Jessa come into see their baby brother. They fell in love with him right away they were not jealous at all they were just happy to see him we let them hold him for a little bit and they just loved it, Jessa called him her dolly and Timmy would say "No he is not your dolly, he is OUR baby brother" he is pretty smart for a 4 year old.
I was discharged the next Sunday but they were nice enough to let me stay in what they call a nesting room as long as I needed and as long as they had the room, I was not going to leave with out my baby. I thought that I was gonna get to take him home the next day but the doctor said no because he was jaundice my post partum depression kicked in really quick, so they put him under the blue light and by the next morning he was doing much better so they let us take him home Tim got to the hospital in no time flat.
The next few weeks were some of the best weeks that I had ever had in my life.
We held him and hardly ever put him down I would watch him sleep as he would dissapear, my biggest fear has always been SIDS.
We had his pictures done and I loved them when I saw them he was smiling and Jessa was in a few of the pictures. She loved holding him so did Timmy.
My mom and sister had a baby shower for him and he got some wonderful gifts. Everyone loved him from the first moment they saw him, no one wanted to put him down. Everyone said that he looked just like his Daddy and he did.
When I took him to the doctors for his shots when they weighed him they he had almost doubled his birth weight. He loved to eat.
We were supposed to go to my sisters house for Labor day weekend but we did not have the money to go so we stayed home.
That Saturday I needed to go grocery shopping and Tim wanted to take the kids swimming so I took Dakotah with me and we had such a good time he talked to me and smiled and even laughed. I was laughing again and he and I were so happy to be together.
We went to my moms that Sunday for dinner and Dakotah must have had a belly ache because everytime I put him down he would cry or may be he just wanted to be held. I talked about what I wanted to dress him up at for Halloween I could not wait to see him all dolled up it was gonna be a great year for us, a new start.
The day Our Heart's were shattered once again was on September 6th Labor Day I woke up between 3:30 and 4 a.m. and I looked down at Dakotah he was alseep next to me and Tim, I put my hand on his chest and I kissed his head, he opened his eyes and smiled at me then he wrapped his little hands around my fingers like he always did when he wanted to go to sleep. I never thought that it would be the last time I would see those beautiful blue eyes again.
I woke up that morning thinking that he had just slept through the night for the first time I remember looking at the clock but I do not remember what time it was I looked down at Dakotah and I screamed because I could see the color draining from him I started screaming "KOTY BREATHE" then I yelled at Tim that he was not breathing and Tim jumped out of bed and took him from me and tried to give him CPR, he yelled at me to call 911 I did, I screamed at the operator that my baby was not breathing he asked my all kinds of information and I gave it to him, how I do not know but I did, I was screaming at Tim "TIM MAKE HIM BREATHE PLEASE!!!" Tim yelled back at me that he could not, he could not get any air into his lungs, his chest would not rise. I threw down the phone and started screaming "NOT AGAIN, NOT MY BABY!!!" I tore pictures off of the wall and threw them at the walls, My screaming and yelling woke up Timmy and Jessa and I was scareing them. I ran into the bathroom and threw my close on I grabbed Dakotah from Tim and I went to run out the door as Tim was trying to get my shoes on me he asked me for my moms number and some how I gave it to him as I was running out the door, I remember screaming "NOT MY BABY" and "KOTY PLEASE BREATHE BABY" By that time the fire department got there and then the ambulence it still seems to me like they were not moving very fast, it was all in slow motion. I could hear the EMTS telling the dispatcher to have a Chaplin ready, my heart sank even more, I was rocking back and forth in the ambulence praying to god to please make my baby be ok make him breathe again not to make us go through any more pain.
They took him in and made me go to the waiting room and I did not want to go I wanted to be with my baby but the nurses and the police officer made me go and sit down, I kept thinking that it was something that I had done wrong, I was afraid that I had rolled over on him in the middle of the night or that I had done something else wrong.
It could not have been more then 10 minutes (and yet it seemed like an eternity) before the doctor came in and told me that he was sorry but there was nothing else they could do, I started screaming and crying I wanted my baby. They made me wait a few more minutes before they would let me see him, I remember picking him up and he was wrapped in a hospital blanket his eyes were closed and he looked like he was just sleeping, and to me that is what he was doing he was not dead, NOT MY BABY. They brought me in a rocking chair and I rocked him he loved to be rocked, I sang him his favorite songs by the time my mom got their I was in such a state of shock that I could only hear her voice I could not hear anyone else. The Chaplin and nurse tried to talk to me or so they said but I could not hear them, I do remember one woman getting in my face and telling me that he was not sleeping that he was dead and I said NO he is not he is just sleeping, they said that she was trying to shock me out of it but it did not work my mom had to look me straight in the eye and tell me that he was gone.
How could this be happening to us again what had we done in life that was so wrong that we deserved to have 3 of our sons taken from us, it is not fair. We are not supposed to have to go through anymore pain but it was true and it all seemed like a bad dream it still does to this day.
I wanted Tim but he was still at home with the police they thought that something had happened it looked like we had had a fight but when my mom had gotten there she explained to them what had happened with Gunnar and River and that we would never hurt one of our children she says that it changed their dimeanor right away when they were told.
Tim showed up at the hospital sometime later he had Timmy and Jessa with him he thought that they would want to say "See you in Heaven" to their baby brother. They kissed his cheecks and held him for a few minutes they cried with us and asked why? and what happened? all I could say was that I did not know and I blamed myself for my baby dieing.
My Aunt and Uncle came to get Timmy and Jessa home with them they were crying too.
I remember the nurse asking us if we wanted to donate his Aorta valves but their was NO way I could do it the thought of someone taking something from my baby was wrong to me at that time, it still is. I mean I know that they could have done some good to some one else but the thought of my baby not being whole kills me inside to think about.
It was awhile later when Tim and my mom decided that it was time for us to go but I did not want to leave that hopital with out my baby again, the thought of walking out empty armed again scared me to death. But they made me leave I did not want to see my baby covered up or know that he was being taken downstairs, so the nurse took him from my arms and told me that she would hold him until the medical examiner got there, as far as I know she did.
The next day I had to call my doctor and he ordered me some medicine, we had to go to the mortuary to make the arraingments we used the same one that we had used for Gunnar and River, they were great. I had to call my friend and support group leader Joanne she was in total shock like we were she helped us out so much. She called the medical examiner to try and find out what had happened luckily he was someone that she knew and he told her to tell me that it was NOTHING that I had done wrong like rolling over on him or something like that, he had said that from what he could see so far that is was SIDS.
My brother, and both of my sister's came out for his funeral, it was the first time I had seen my sister Shari in 6 years. I remember my brother Hosia kissing my head while I was sleeping, the medicine my doctor had given me knocked me out.
Thursday was his viewing I asked to be left alone with him for a few minutes and as picked him up I remember him being so cold but it was him, my mom had gotten him a hat to wear with his new outfit. Alot of people showed up that night to see him, including Joanne it helped us so much knowing that she was there for us, Timmy and Jessa put the toys they had gotten for him in with him so did a lot of other people. Alot of people held him, Tim, Mom, Shari, Joanne, Juleigh and my friend Renee at first she did not want to but then she said that something told her too and she held him for a few minutes.
The next day was his funeral, I do not remember much about it I do remember the lady from the cemetarey coming up to me and telling me that they had made arraingments to put Dakotah by Gunnar and River like we had asked ( They had told us that they could not put him with them because they were only 4 feet down, and then they told us that we could not put him by them because of the tree, but my sisters went and talked to them and told them that they had 3 choices, to put him with Gunnar and River, tear up the tree roots and put him by them, or move Gunnar and River over to where Dakotah was gonna be because they were not going to have us walking from one side of the cemetary to the other to visit our son's, Donja and Shari got their way)the last thing I remember about the funeral was when Pastor Ron said "We are hear today to Celebrate the life of Dakotah Rayne Dougherty" I lost it after that I could not hear anymore.
I miss my babys more and more each passing day, I always have all of my children with me wherever I go. I live for all of my children I am able to go on because they mean so much to me, I live for Timmy, Jessa and Tim for they need me here right now. But I also live on for Gunnar, River and Dakotah Rayne for they need me to live on and let other's know that they were here and that they mattered then and they matter NOW. They live on inside of me, Tim, Timmy, Jessa, My Mom, and everyone else who's lives that they touched. They will NOT be FORGOTTEN.
No one can ever take away the precious memories that I have of my children. I hold all of them in my heart and in my mind.
Our tragedies did not end there, the day after Dakotah's funeral my husbands parents were killed when their house burnt down, they are now in Heaven taking care of our son's. May they ALL Rest In Peace.
We could not have come this far if it was not for my Mom she has been our strength she is a true ANGEL here on earth.
