My first Panic attack
I had my first experience with Panic
disorder in November '97.I was in the
bathroom,brushing my hair.Suddenly, out
of
the blue,I've got a "strange feeling".A
feeling of pure terror.I got
dizzy,everything
felt "unreal",I started shaking
uncontrollably,my heart was pounding
like
crazy,and my hands were completely
stiff.The
only thought going through my mind was
"I'm
gonna die NOW !!!".The feeling of
indending
doom
just overwhelmed me.
My boyfriend took me to the Emergency
room
right away.Doctors hooked me up to all
kinds
of machines.My heart rate was at 140,but
still they couldn't find anything wrong
with
me.So we went home.Still terrified,I
couldn't
seem to calm down for the next few
days.A
couple of days later,the same thing
happened
again.Just minding my business,suddenly
the
terror came back,so I found myself in
the ER
for the second time.
"Oh,she's just hyperventelating,that's
all",is what the doctor said.The trip to
the hospital became almost a daily
routine.I
got really fed up with it,and so did my
boyfriend,cause these attacks caused him
to
miss work.I just couldn't be alone,in
fear of
another attack.On one of my trips to the
hospital,one doctor said "seems like
you're
having panic attacks,ever been to a
psychologist"?
"All of this is just in my mind,and all
my
symptoms were pyschologically?"I was
very
sceptical at first.But in the end that's
what
it turned out to be.Somewhat relieved,I
accepted the diagnosis.No knowing what
long
road of recovery I had in front of
me.I'm far
from being cured.But the only way is
"up"
after
hiting rock bottom.
Update - 7-30-99
Thank god, I haven't had a "full-blown"
attack
in awhile.My panic seemes to have
shifted to
general anxiety.Which actually isn't
much
better.I've turned into a
hypochondriac.I've
also developed an obsession with death.I
check my pulse all day long to make sure
my
heart is beating regularly.All together
I've
turned into a completely different
person-a
paranoid,scared person.I often wonder
"why
me"? Or "will this ever go away "?
Only god knows.
