Ha. Ha. Ha.
There are certain jokes that make you go, "that's just wrong." I've tried to include as many as I can right here:
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong walked on the moon and Michael Jackson molests little boys.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hold up the picture.
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick."
How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row, Your Boat."
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
What's black and blue and doesn't like to have sex?
The 7 year old in my trunk.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a pizza?
I don't cum all over my pizza before I eat it!
What's red and slimy and crawls up your leg?
A homesick abortion!
Why are there so many fast black people on television?
Because all the slow ones are in prison!
How many babies can you fit in a crib?
1) 20 if you break their legs
2) 20 if you chop them up
3) depends on how little the pieces are
4) Depends on how thinly you slice them
How do you get 1000 babies in a phone booth?
Blender!
How do you get them out?
Nachos!
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them!
What's more fun than strapping a baby to a clothes line and spinning it around at 100mph?
Stopping it with a shovel.
What's blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A baby with slashed floaties.
What's red and yellow a found on the top of a pool?
Floaties with a slashed baby.
What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off first.
Why do you stick a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on its face.
How do you keep a baby from crawling around in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
5 sailors wash up on a deserted island with a woman, the sailors say "Look, here's the deal- you'll sleep with one of us each night and that way you'll get all the sex you want and each one of us will get laid every 5th night." The woman agrees and everything's going great until suddenly the woman dies.
The 1st week it's ok.
The 2nd week it's getting worse.
The 3rd week it's awful.
The 4th week it's terrible.
The 5th week they couldn't stand it anymore, so they buried her.
What do you call a black woman who's had 5 abortions?
A crimefighter.
Why do Jews have such large noses?
Because air is FREE.
Are you going to see the new pirate movie? I heard it's rated ARRRRRRRRRRRR.
What's the difference between a black baby and a white baby?
10 minutes in the microwave.
What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
Nothing. You told the bitch twice.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Mohaad.
Mohaad who?
Mohaad DICK IN YOUR MOUTH.
A pedophile and a young child are walking through the woods. The kid says, "I'm scared." The pedophile says, "You're scared? I have to walk out of here by myself."
Moms have Mothers Day, fathers have Fathers Day... what do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
What sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
What's round and goes "grrr"?
An angry circle.
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
What color is a belch?
Burple.
Why did they ban all sprinkler systems in public places?
Because they go spic-spic-spic-chink! nigganigganigga..
How do you start an Ethiopian marathon?
Roll a cheerio down a hill.
How many Jewish people can you fit in a volkswagon?
As many as you want, put them in the ashtray.
What's red and white and goes 60 MPH?
A baby in a blender.
What's red, screams, and claws at the glass?
A baby in a microwave.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
You fuck her!
What's orange and white and lays at the bottom of your swimming pool?
A kid whose inflatable floaters popped.
What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
What's grosser than gross?
A dead baby in a garbage can.
What's grosser than that?
Three dead babies in a garbage can.
What's grosser than that?
One dead baby in three garbage cans.
What's twelve inches long and makes women scream?
Crib death.
What's grosser than gross?
A dead baby in a dump truck.
What's grosser than that?
A dump truck full of dead babies.
What's grosser than that?
The one on the bottom is alive.
What's grosser than that?
He has to eat his way to the top.
What's grosser than that?
He makes it!
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half of a dog.
How do you kill 100 flies with one swat?
Slap an Ethiopian with a frying pan.
What's two feet tall and can't turn around in a doorway?
A baby with a javelin in its eye.
Do you have a good joke you know I need up here? Email me.
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