More Alcohol Ramblings

TO ALL THE DRUNK WOMEN
You Know It's Time To Go Home When:

 1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
 2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
 3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
 4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
 5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
 6. You start crying.
 7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
 8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
 9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
 10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
 11. You've forgotten where you live.
 12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the 60 cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10 times by now) you only smoke when you drink.
 13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
 14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
 15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
 16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
 17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take- down moves.
 18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
 19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

HEARD AT MEETINGS

If you're new, you may not be able to believe this, but we need you as much as you need us. Stick around and find out what that means.

A dry drunk is being angry without anybody you can blame.

You can't hit bottom until you stop digging the hole.

Speaker meetings help me remember where I came from; Step meetings show me where I'm going.

Constant vigilance, my sponsor says. So the only place I can sit back and relax is in the front row of a meeting.

I was never sober--only asleep or drunk.

In New Orleans they say "ain't no suchamuch" for no big deal.

I am blessed with the serious proclivity for compulsivity.

It's not old behavior if you are still doing it.

At first, I thought the God thing was a crutch. Turns out to be stilts.

If you turn it over and don't let go, you'll be wrong side up!

If you think you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, be grateful . . . you're still on the right side of the grass!

Everything that we know in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has been known for hundreds of years. Alcoholics had to have them numbered.

Love without honesty is sentiment. Honesty without love is brutality.

If you worry, don't pray. If you pray, don't worry.

I don't seem to use the Serenity Prayer much when everything's running smoothly.

Half of my time I take care of my own stuff; the other half of my time I make sure that I am not taking care of your stuff.

Alcoholism is not a spectator sport. Everybody around you gets to play, too!

I know that I have a resentment when I am involved in a heated argument and I'm the only one in the car.

When God is going to do something wonderful, He begins with a difficulty. When He is going to do something very wonderful, He begins with an impossibility.

An expectation is a resentment under construction.

Seven days without a meeting makes one weak.

Meeting-makers make it.

Harboring a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Patience is when God makes "now" a little roomier.

Nowhere in the book will you find chapters entitled "Why It Works" or "How It Feels."

When your knees knock, kneel on them.

Then and Now

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse.
We reached for the bottles we'd hid on the shelves
For those were the presents we'd bought for ourselves.
We never had money to spend for a gift
We needed it all for that holiday lift.

Now that was our Christmas before finding A.A.
We were drinking our cheer in the usual way.
And all Christmas Eve the joint would be rocking
Though we knew fully well what we'd find in our stocking.
We followed a pattern that seemed to be right
Wasn't Christmas the time when people got tight?

That Christmas is past and a new one draws near
But with its approach we hold nary a fear.
For through the A.A. program we've found a new way
To know a real Christmas in a new grateful way.
The tree will be brilliant with lights bright and clear
And not from a bottle will come Christmas cheer.

But straight from our hearts a true warmth will glow
Reflected by love for the friends that we know.
So to you "Merry Christmas" full of genuine cheer
And may you and yours enjoy a happy, sober New Year.