In Memory of
Ron Palmer
1945 ~ 2001
The SoberLady wishes to include some of Ron's writings here and some of the writings from his friends, in his memory.
This "Morning Med" was webpublished on April 30th, 2001 in memory of Ron. (To subscribe to "Morning Meds" ~ Sobriety Shares from all over and on all sorts of topics: contact CHPSHOTS@aol.com). Tell them The SoberLady sent you.
PAIN....
My son, after spending approx 10 days here, left for San
Francisco. His flight was rescheduled 1 ½ hrs later—so
that gave us (selfish me) more time to visit. I had a super
taxi driver who patiently waited the whole time. When we left the
airport, he asked if that was my friend and when I started to
reply that it was my son, I choked up and got a little teary eyed.
I tried to smile and say “I hate good-byes.” He
said, “I understand--you are a very fortunate man to have a
son who is also your friend.”
All the way into town I felt empty. But I immediately told myself that it wasn’t pain, but overwhelming gratitude that I was feeling. I am indeed blessed to have three beautiful loving adult children.. I have had uniquely special times with each of them. My problem comes when I have those special times with one, I wish the other two were able to be in on it at the same time. (They probably wish simultaneous experiences were possible too---then they wouldn't have to listen to my long stories individually!!!!)
I took a walk down by the beach at sunset. It was a gray overcast day and the normal blue ocean appeared to be gray also. I couldn't see the sunset and the ocean seemed quieter and more tranquil than usual. It was beautiful—even with the gray. I walked and made a very long mental gratitude list. I know many people who do not have happy relationships with their adult children. These past few months in Costa Rica have given me an opportunity to seriously review my life. I have become aware of numerous similarities in myself and my dad and myself and my son.
Sometimes I find myself wishing I had been more aware when my dad was alive or when my son was younger. I don't labor on those thoughts--I've come to understand that is part of life's cycle.
We do better--When we know better. And when we know better, we can't go back and redo what we didn't know. That knowledge gained from past experiences is the foundation for the future. A future striving for personal progress, satisfaction and happiness. Some little things have no significance other than perhaps coincidental timing. I thought of this today for the first time in my life. I was born less than a month before my dads 24th birthday—my son was born less than a month before my 24th birthday. I was in my early 30s when my parents moved back to Missouri after spending 20 yrs in Calif. My son will be 32 in Jan. He introduced me to Costa Rica 6 months ago, but I helped (financially) to introduce him to CR 10 yrs ago when he went to college here for a semester.
What,
if anything, does all this mean? I guess, in a long about
way—I'm happy with how our lives have evolved. And I
didn't plan any of this!!! As many of you have mentioned
recently--God's plan really is the best!!
As most of you know, I spent 96-99 in MO when both of my parents
became very ill. That was a period of genuine emotional
pain and stress. During those three years, my son flew back
twice—to attend his grandparents funerals and be there with
me. The last time, my dad passed away three days before
Christmas '98. My son arrived Christmas Eve and we were
together for Christmas. The agony and pain of those years
and losses have healed. This year my Christmas came early.
Right now, I'm looking at twinkly lights that my son helped me
hang on my front window. No big deal--but the time and
feelings of common sharing is what it's all about. He showed me
how to download (in English!!!) a Napster music library, started
a web page for me (now comes the hard part-my contribution lol),
left a digital camera for me to play with (may need Debbieduz
help), introduced me to some local food that I hadn't tried and (unfortunately)
confirmed my thoughts on my desktop PC, my hard disk has indeed
-- DIED!!! (Hey boB, does Dee have a twin sister? hint-hint)
More importantly, this trip for my son wasn't all about me.
He was able to spend a lot of time with his friends here and
enjoy his trip without baby-sitting dad. Hey MAM--he won $100
on his last casino play last night!!! (that's more than an
average week's pay for Costa Ricans!!) Plus, if his plans
are fulfilled, he'll be back with his girl friend for New Years!!!
At this moment (11pm Calif--approx 4000 miles & 8 hrs later),
he should be clearing customs in San Francisco!! He drives
a big 'ol heavy chromed bumper 1965 Mercury Parklane convertible.
Yeah--I told him where to find those heavy duty bumper jacks in
the Bay Area!!! lol
Well --if everyone reads between my lines--maybe it'll be on your
topic. I could take the "sabotage the good times"
route that some have mentioned and spoil this. I could play
out the "poor me" act--all alone, etc. I believe
that I have chosen to be here because this is what God has
provided me for now. I don't have a clue what I'm doing
here, but I feel something very good is going to happen here--and
it is happening--each day--one at a time.
I've had a beautiful peaceful evening. I've read all of the
groups mail. The timing and sharing (both from the serious
heart and the humor) was precisely what I needed tonight.
As always, we are here for each other in
good times and tough times.
Now
you gotta' ask about nicknames!!! Geeeezzz. "Hooked577"
= Hooked on AA 5th month of 1977. DOS=5/07/77
Name came without much thinking when I joined JCMC5 on AOL in
March of this year. Every other name I came up with was
taken. The "Hooked" part came 11 years before I found
AA. 3 weeks after my 21st birthday, I was lying underneath
a mangled Army truck in Ethiopia praying "Dear God, please
get me out of this mess alive and I'll never drink again."
God spared my life, but I sacrificed my right arm in that
experience. That familiar deal making and plea bargaining prayer
would be repeated many times over the next 11 years.
Praying to quit if each of my 3 children were born healthy, once
when I got to the bank 15 minutes before foreclosure on our home,
how many times to save my job, how many more to save my marriage,
the list goes on and on. You all know the deals.
In the early days (pre 'spell check' lol ), I couldn't
spell or pronounce "prosthesis," so I got the nickname
"Capt Hook." And thanks to The Mav, the 2000
version has been modified to "The Hook."
However, may have to change to "Stumpy" or "Lefty."
Since I'm 'practicing retirement', it's too hot & humid to
wear (damn fiberglass just won't tan!!), don't have my motorcycle
here (and to avoid physical pain--I'm avoiding
bicycles!!--for the new people-that's another story!!), and those
crazy fishermen from Florida keep wanting to rent my Hook!!
Soooooo my Hook is also 'practicing retirement.'
Other than a little corrosion, we're both doing fine!
(Soberly submitted by Ron P. from Quetos, Costa Rica)
Ron passed away in his sleep last Friday night. He had over
23yrs sober and a wonderful message.
I was thinking of Ron
today and his wonderful sense of humor. Last fall three of
us ladies from JCMC5 attended the Southern California Convention
in San Diego and Ron put this out to the group. Hope you
enjoy.
October 12, 2000
Notice to Los Angeles,
Orange & San Diego Counties: 3 Unarmed, but dangerous, women
will be en route your area this weekend
Mode of transportation: Alkymobile
Weapons: Unleashed Tongues
Attack mode: Riotous Laughter
Dress: Numerous forms of disguises
Behavior: Usually Friendly, Subject to change without warning
Support: Massive network of Internet accomplices
Tactical Note: Reported to be assembling with thousands of fellow
misfits; known to congregate near coffee pots; identification may
be hampered by large clouds of cigarette smoke!!!
IF OBSERVED...
APPROACH SLOWLY...
WITH A SMILE...
AND GIVE 'EM A BIG ((((((HUG))))))
(((((Char)))))(((((Deb)))))(((((mam))))) Have a Great
Weekend !!!!!!!!!!
A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught in the railroad tracks. of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!" Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!"
Still nothing and the
train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, "God
please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking,
cussing, smoking and fornicating."
Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way in the nick of time.
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
******
I was that guy.
Three weeks after my 21st birthday, I was in a truck accident in Africa in which I lost my right arm. I was lying mangled under that truck for 2 1/2 hours before they were able to dig me out
I can't tell you how many times that I begged out loud, "God, please get me out of this alive and I'll never drink again."
I meant it at the time as much as I meant it each time that I uttered a similar prayer during the next 11 years 2 months making deals for healthy children when each of my three children were born, dealing to save a job, save a house, save a car, dealing to be a better son, father and husband, etc, etc, etc.....
On the morning after missing my youngest daughter's 4th birthday party, I was "recovering" staring into the mirror behind a neighborhood bar. I didn't plan it, no unusual "heat" was on. Heck, we were going to see Dorothy Hamil ('76 Olympic Gold Medallist) skate that afternoon. As I sat there, I quietly and earnestly spoke out loud, "God, I don't want to do this anymore. Please help me." No deals-No promises!! I haven't had a drink since.
That little girl will be 28 next month and is getting married this September. She also is the mother of my two year old grandson! Her birthday has always been very special to me and I've shared the gratitude and symbolism of it with my AA friends all of these years. In all honesty, I don't know if she realizes that we both share a beautiful day of birth.
For all of the moments of good and bad, agony to ecstasy - before, during and after my drinking days, I am truly grateful. I believe all of those little pieces are, in fact, necessary to allow me to become a whole human being just like the seemingly impossible task of attaching all the awkward pieces of a gorgeous jig-saw puzzle.. I believe that it is God's desire for us is to be happy, joyous and free. He gave us a plan to achieve that goal by always striving for perfection - while, at the same time, knowing and accepting that we'll never achieve it. It's a never ending plan!! It improves with progress!!!
My parents did their best to teach me that philosophy when I was growing up. But I learned how to accept and live it on a daily basis from people just like each of you - in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I've traveled this journey with many beautiful people and continue to meet more as I advance my journey in pursuit of that peaceful perfection.
May each one of us be unselfish and have an open mind to receive the blessings that God grants us - even we don't recognize them at the time. My wishes to each of you is for a peaceful and joyous Easter.
Ron :)
Quepos, Costa Rica
Memorials
(in no particular order)
It is with great sadness that I must share with you the news of my father's death. My dad, Ron, passed away Friday night, April 27th, in his apartment in Quepos, Costa Rica.
We don't know the official cause of death, but we suspect heart failure.
I know
that he was in the happiest time of his life. Most of that
is due to the
friendships that he has with those in Costa Rica and online
around the world. I thank you for the joy that my dad felt
through your friendship. Arrangements are still pending.
Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
{Note: this is the message which many of us woke up to from Ron's son, John and how we found out about his passing.}
And
Happy Hereafter, dear Hook. I sure wish I coulda met you, you old
curmudgeon. Ya know, love just seemed to ooze from you right on
through the
phone lines. Howdja do that? And, hey, is heaven as nice as Costa
Rica? I
hope so. My love and prayers are with you, Ron.
(Soberly submitted by Reid
from JCMC5)
You are not here
any longer and we wonder now, time and time again, how we will
ever come to terms with a space that no longer contains you.
We cannot, for the life of us, imagine.
Perhaps it is true, in a very cosmic sense, that we came here
from some other place only on loan to each other, to evolve and
discover what words we could come to use about ourselves--the who
and what of us--all that we struggled to uncover and become.
Now, strangely, amoung other truths, we are left with a startling
realization: winning is not the opposite of losing...keeping
is. And while we always knew that we could not keep you
forever, we couldn't refrain from wanting to.
Still, if the purpose of love is to reveal us to ourselves and
others, then we will honor now all that we achieved and the
resultant belief that the expression of love is the most profound
and worthwhile expression ever and that love unspent is not love
at all, but fear. There is one more truth that we have
discovered over time and it is this; allowed to nurture itself
and go on interminably--sadness turns to rust.
We will not entertain the thought that someone else can take your
place, Impossible. But, we will, when we are more finished
mourning you than we are now, remember to open ourselves again,
incrementally, if necessary, to any signs of love at all,
especially in ourselves.
(Soberly submitted by bettehorn1 from the OurJourneyContinues Group)
{Note: OurJourneyContinues is a private Yahoo Group for World Wide Web 12 Steppers which Ron began several weeks before he left us. If you are interested in joining, please contact The SoberLady at soberlady87@hotmail.com}
*****
"............Thank
you, Sweet Jesus, for giving our Bro Hook so many One Days At A
Time......" Ron, I told ya He would send the wind. Be "still"
my friend and save me a seat close to the coffee pot. Love you.
..........................................................................
Yep, took it hard but I must remember the good times The Hook and
I have
shared. We also helped each other through some crap that
men deal with from time to time. Things like how to
tell a lovely lady to "fuck off" or things like, damn,
got those hemroids again, or things like, I knew I should of
listened to the Biker Bitch before I opened my big mouth, or
things like, The MAM sure hit that one right on the head, or
things like "Ain't Life Grand?" and really
meaning exactly that no matter what kind of BS was on our plate
at the time.
So then The Hook says to God: "Boy, that was fast.
Ya didn't even give me time to plan my exit." And God
says to The Hook: "Son, I didn't have time.
Needed you here with me to help look after all your AA friends
down there on earth. Besides, every time I gave you time to
plan some thing, you just fucked it up."
Ron and I always was joking on how we would get "one up"
on each other.
Well, Bro, ya won this round. But, you being up there with
God (or is it Uncle God) gives me a feeling that I'm even a
little closer to my HP. Gots lots of Angels up there
looking out for me. Tell me, does that Hook of yours
interfere with the stability of your wings? I can just see
it now, a one armed angel on a Harley.
So, all my JCMC5 family, look at it this way. Ron is just
up there doing a Long Range Reconn for all of us.
Love ya all and there ain't a damn thing you can do about that except maybe love me back a little. Be strong, be happy, and remember that Ron is still right here with us as long as we keep him in our hearts.
Thank you, God,
for making Ron a part of my life in sobriety. Thank you for
his wisdom and friendship. And if he gets out of hand (well,
one hand) up there just slap the shit out of him. That he
understands. Oh, one more thing, God, he really really
really does love donuts so don't let him have any. They're
mine!
Be safe, be sober, be "still"
O.K., bye!
(Soberley submitted by The Mav from JCMC5)
{Note: Ron left us just a short eleven days before what would have been his 24th AA Birthday.}
Ah, OJC folks.....
Ron changed his form yet not his essence, and I believe that his
spirit is still with us. And of all the dates that exist(ed) in
his lifetime on the earthplane, I'd much rather remember his
sobriety date than any other.
So Happy May 7th, Ron, wherever it is that you now reside!
Happy 24th sober anniversary!
(Soberly submitted by Lory
:) from OurJourneyContinues Group
I am so sorry to hear of
your father's passing and want to offer to you and your family my
deepest condolances. He was truly a dear man and an awesome
friend.
I have only known him for about a year but he has meant more to
me in that year than I can ever begin to tell you.
My grandmother, who was 87 passed away on Thursday the 26th, her
funeral will be next Thursday, so I will have very special
thoughts for your dad as I attend. Friday would have been
my own father's 67th birthday, but he passed away on December 29th.
My heart goes out to you, as I truly do know the loss you are
feeling right now.
In the program, as I am sure you know, we ask for all to be
patient with us, as God isn't done with us yet. Well I
guess Ron finally got it right and the reward is to go home to
the Father. We will all be sad for our loss but I hope you
can also be joyous for your father's reward.
My love and prayers go out to you and your family at this time of
loss.
(Soberly submitted by Noel
from JCMC5 and OurJourneyContinues Group)
All I know, for
myself, is THAT I WILL meet Ron again as we reach the end of the
road of happy destiny.
Yes, I will miss him........have a lump in my throat, and am
looking for a place to vent my anger........but ya know????
Ron made me laugh more than anything (wrote me privately often==knew
him f2f) and all I can say is I truly believe he is in a place
where he won't need his reading glasses anymore when he goes pee............*s
Count me in with Wes, just has plain kicked my ass.
(Soberly submitted by Susie
from JCMC5)
Ron was a good guy, I knew him fairly well from not only here online, but as a member of the Wandering Juiceberries and as a member of the Orange Friendship Club. He and I used to ride together to meetings sometimes and it was always interesting to ride with him as he really liked to talk alot as we rode along.
I really don't
know what to say either though. This has kinda kicked my ass . I
liked Ron pretty much. I didn't always agree with him but I liked
and respected him alot.
(Soberly submitted by Wes S from JCMC5)
The 1st time I met
Ron face2face we had been writing through this group JCMC5 and he
was coming to his 1st Wandering Juiceberry Meeting. I think
he and Wes came down together. Anyways this was a speaker
meeting and I was the main speaker. So I got to choose the
10 minute speaker, and I asked Ron to do it. I can't
remember everyone that was there but I do know that there were
plenty of people from JCMC and Lots of Juiceberries and quite a
few of my local yokels.
Now the format of the meeting was :
The 10 min speaker speaks for 10 min. and the main speaker speaks
for 50 min.
Well Brother Ron got up there and yak... yak .... yak...... he
got lost in his pitch and went on forever..... LMAO
Finally he realized that his 10 minutes of fame had ended 15
minutes before
he was done....
So when he finally introduced me to speak....... I ran with
this... I had so much fun...... He came up to the
podiem and said how sorry he was for using up so much of my time....
And I said Gezzzzzz and now your using up more.... I
spent the 1st 10 minutes of my shortened time just teasing
Ron...... We both laugh so hard about this we had tears in
our eyes.... And
we both carried the message..... There's Joy in
Sobriety and as long as we
don't Drink there are no Big deals......
Ron and I had some differences after that. Mostly through
this email group
JCMC5. But Ron had an excellent AA program and we were both
able to work through them making amends. The Last time we
saw eachother we shook hands and hugged.
Note to Ron:
OK.... Ron here's the plan..... When I get to the big
meeting in the Sky.... I'll be the ten minute speaker and you can
be the main speaker....... Let's Get Bill W. to read the
opening prayer, and Dr. Bob to Lead the meeting. Better not get
Chuck C. to do anything or niether of us will have time to speak.
And how about Dr. Paul reading the closing prayer...
See you soon my friend.....
with Love,
(Soberly submitted by Mark from JCMC groups, Morning Meds and the Wandering Juiceberries Group)
Happy #24 Ron.
Wish you were here to celebrate it, but know that God has a
higher purpose for you.
Oh you were taken
from us too soon, but I always need to remember that God is in
charge. Know that you are in my heart and I am so grateful
for the years that I knew you here on this thing called earth.
When I go to
Laughlin next week, you will be with me and I will save you a
seat at the 21 table.
I look forward to the day we meet again. Thank you for all your experience, strength and hope. I know that I am a better person for having known you. Keep those alkies in line up there and save me a seat.
I can just hear Ron leading
the meeting tonight and saying, can you believe what those people
down there are doing these days? Like Mark said in his
mail, he was given almost 24 years of a sober life, he died
sober, what a gift and you know what he will be there waiting for
us. And I too had a burrito in Ron's honor. So
farewell good friend, he set the sails and God set the wind.
Love you my friend,
(Soberly submitted by Mary Ann from JCMC5 and OurJourneyContinues Group)
I am truly devastated, and
so grateful that I got to know Ron on line. He was always
an inspiration to me.
You know I knew
Ron years ago, from a meeting we both attended here in
Orange. I was new to the program back then, and was very
quiet. But as Mary Ann had shared about seeing him on this
Harley right after he bought it, I
bet it was on a Saturday Mam, cause he also shared about his
first experience
with his bike, and had all of us at the meeting rolling with
laughter. Probably one of the first belly laughs I had in AA.
It was not until I
joined JCMC5 that I started putting two and two together,
cause the group or Mav would kid him about his email address.
Then I thought, hum, do I know him??? I emailed him
privately about what I
thought, and he sent me a Picture. That really blew me
away, cause it was
that man that had me laughing so hard at the meeting, and I
thought gez, if he can be that honest and share it with all of us
and make us laugh, I prayed that I could be able to get that
honesty one day, and be able to laugh about my shortcomings, good
or bad.
I am so sad that
Ron will no longer be with us. Thank you Ron, for sharing so much
of your life with me/us.
(Soberly submitted by
Debbie from JCMC5)
