The SoberLady's Story

More of the SoberLady's Story and Writings

The SoberLady does a lot of her recovery/meetings online and belongs to several online topic groups, from which many of her writings come.

I have a friend in the program, named Grumpy George (another one you might know, David). He always reads chapter 5 to say "Thoroughly have we seen a person fail who has rarely followed our path." And it is just as true either way.

I have to answer this in two different time frames, as my life has been broken into two parts - before May 30, 1997 (the date of my fall) and after.

Before my fall, I went to anywhere from 4-14 meetings a week. I worked with my sponsor on a regular basis. I read the book several times and referred to it often. I worked on myself and my own personal issues a lot with my sponsor. I made great strides in my life and was very comfortable with sobriety and the program. I had a lot of meeting friends and a few close friends and my family - husband who is also program and daughter who is an alaterd - even if she is 24 years old now. I even went to schools and shared my story with teen-agers. I led meetings, scheduled speakers and sponsored, usually several women at a time.

When people talked about me, they talked about how hard I worked my program and all the progress I had made. I did it the way I was taught to do it when I first came into the program. Life was good.

Then I got hurt, and everything changed. I am still sober and I still work my program just as hard, if not harder. But today, how I work it is much different than before.

To go to a meeting is an all day affair. I start by soaking in extremely hot water in the tub for 1-2 hours. Then I have to take a nap for as long as I can - this is kind of a cross between meditation and sleep because the purpose is to get pain under control. Then it takes 1-2 hours to dress and do hair and makeup. Then someone has to pick me and my trusty chairot (oops - that's chariot) to the meeting, then get me out of the car and into the chair. After a combination of them pushing and me wheeling we get into the meeting. Sit through an hour or hour and a half meeting, maybe go to coffee if I am up to it (usually not - but I try to go anyway). Then back to the home front to recuperate.

Recuperating means I usually stay in bed the entire next day. So instead of doing this as often as I would like or want to, today, I do meetings online. I work with this wild, crazy and wonderful group of drunks. I am continuing to build a recovery website, from which I get more pleasure and satisfaction than I could ever tell you, and great revelations about myself and the program. I do chat rooms. I read other peoples recovery sites. I talk on the phone to others in the program. I read a lot. I talk to my counselor when I really need to. I talk to my sponsor several times a week. I continue to work steps. I journal a lot.

I am really comfortable and at ease with my sobriety. I do not spend a lot of time worrying about whether or not I will be able to stay sober. However, there are a lot of people who do worry about that for me. They spend an awful lot of their time telling me how if I don't (Physically) go to meetings I am gonna get drunk or at least lose my serenity. Or they tell me of course I am depressed, I don't go to meetings (never even considering that I am in pain 24/7). But then these are often people who seem to have a hard time staying sober no matter how many meetings they go to.

"It's the steps we take, not the meetings we make, that keep us sober."

I have known people who practiced swinging door sobriety for many years. I have known people who went back out, and made it back. I have known people who went back out and didn't make it back. I have known people who were so miserable in their sobriety that they needed to tell their face that they were happy. I have known people who only made one change in their life - the contents of the cup they were drinking from - they no longer drank booze. Then there is this one woman who was a member of my home group in South Bay San Diego. She went to one meeting a year, to get her token and her cake. She sometimes was asked to speak and then she also went to meetings, but she never went to more than a dozen meetings a year. She talked to people on the phone. She wrote letters to loners - usually on tape. She sponsored lots of women. She was absolutely amazing. The last time I saw her was her 24th birthday, which would make her about 29 now. Oh, did I mention that she is blind and lives with her constant companion - her seeing eye dog.

So I guess what I am saying is it doesn't really matter exactly how we do it, as long as we follow the Nike slogan - Just do it. Each of us who stay clean and sober on a continuous basis for years, make one major change in our lives that those, who don't stay sober, do not make. Step 12 says "... and to practice these principles in all our affairs." The change I am talking about is the one I am striving to make in my life. It is living the program, not just practicing it. We have all met people, in the program who do it. They are living examples of the Big Book. I don't do it all the time, but the moments when I do are the most rewarding ones in my life. Oh well, I guess I still have some work to do. And that's why I keep coming back, no matter what forum I use.

Sorry that I sort of got on my soap box, cuz before I got hurt I was one of those people who was always afraid if someone didn't go to a lot of meetings, they were going to go back out - and sometimes they did. But today I know that is not always the case and that there is a lot more to being a recovering alcoholic than just going to meetings. I am not pointing any of this at any of you guys, please believe that. But sometimes I just get ..... oh you know how it can be. This topic just stuck a chord with me - one that is very close to home.

But I get to stay sober one more day and for that I am just totally grateful to you guys and so many others like you.

When I first came into the program, the people I was "allowed" to associate with all had relatively long term sobriety. My sponsor wouldn't let me even get to know people unless they already had at least three years of sobriety. They are all still sober and so am I, and they were all basically hard core, black belt, big book thumping AA'ers,so something must have worked there. I was taught that when someone first came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, they were treated with kid gloves and a lot of hand holding for the first 90 days. But if and once they chose to go back out, when they came back, the kid gloves were taken off and all they got from that point on was "tough love". The thought behind this was that they had chosen to drink and they also knew here were other alternatives. Once they got back to the program they also knew what they needed to do in order to stay. So although "slippers" were always treated with love and compassion, they were also expected to knuckle under and do the things that they had chosen not to do which made it possible for them to choose to drink again. I too realize that there are a lot of people in the program today who will think this is even as much as being cruel, but this is the way I was taught. I have worked with women who have gone back out, some more than once. Initially, I blamed myself for them not succeeding. But as time went on I realized that for whatever reason, "They were not done, yet!" There are two things from the Big Book which come to mind for me about this subject. On page 31-32 it says,

"We do not like to pronounce any individual as alocholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop aburptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of the jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition."

So this tells me that there are many, not yet convinced who will have to go back out there and try it again. And though I know there are some who seem to have to do this over and over and over again, I do not necessarily believe that we need to or that it is even best to handle them to gently upon their return. Today I realize the truth of what it says in the Big Book on page 96,

"Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, e may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy."

As I said I have worked with several women who have found it necessary to practice "revolving door sobriety". Some of them are now sober for long periods of time and others I have finally had to let go after repeated attempts to help them stay. There seems to come a point where you have to stop trying to help the one who demonstrates that they don't want it and save your energy and strength for those who do. I know there are those, as you said, who will want to slam us for believing this way. But before they do, maybe they should think about the old line used so often about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, (paraphrased)

"This program is for those who want it and not necessarily for those who need it. Many of us will have to die, so that some of us can live."

I am so happy for the miracle-people who are able to stay clean and sober and so very sad for those of us who aren't, for whatever reason, able to get this "deal" called Alcoholics Anonymous.

One of the very hardest things for us Drunks to do is just "Keep it Simple". One of the things that I try and always remember is that no one person speaks for AA. No matter how LOUD they speak.
*****
When I first came in the program, my sponsor told me something, in a way that most people never hear. She said "You absolutely MUST take other people's inventory."

The reason for this was that everyone teaches us something - if only what what we want to be like and what we don't want to be like. And to learn that I had to learn to take other people's inventory. Now I don't get to share their inventory. I just get to take it. The result of this is that when I see someone doing things, saying things, or acting in a manner I either disagree with or disaprove of I now get to look at them and ask myself "Do I want to be like that when I grow up?" If the answer is yes then I study it/them more. If the answer is no, then I just have to remember that maybe it is time to look for the message and not spend so much time looking at the messenger. And if I can't find a message (hahaha) then all I have to do is remember that some people in the program will only teach me what I do not want to be like.

Don't forget, your program may not get me sober or keep me sober and my program may notget you sober or keep you sober. But my program works just fine for me and your program works just fine for you. The test is are you sober - then it's working. And you know what they say about if it works, don't fix it.

I have to work a program that provides a spiritual life for me. I can not try to work a program that would provide a spiritual life for anyone else.

More later, as the brain starts working again.