The SoberLady's Story

More of the SoberLady's Story and Writings

These writings are in no particular order and on no particular topic, but they will tell you who the SoberLady is and what she thinks and believes.

"Motivation"

To be here with loving family and caring friends is such a far cry from where I was..... The challenges ahead fo me in the material world are just that challenges...no more...no less. They can be conquered like everything else God has overcome in my path. I am not alone.

This last paragraph says it all for me. The people in this program are my motivation. On my good days I believe I can help others. On my bad days I know they will help me. I have days where it is just so hard to keep going and doing whatever I need to be doing that I find myself questioning how can I possibly just "keep on, keeping on"? And the answer always comes back "How can I not 'keep on. keeping on'?"

This program and the people in it have saved my life and my sanity more times than I could even count. People like you and sometimes even each one of you have made me want to live life to the fullest I am capable of on any given day.

Some days I think how could I possibly feel this way with thirteen years sobriety. Some days I find myself thinking I should be better, stronger, farther along than I am. Not just for me but for those who are coming up behind me, because I feel like I am not being a very good example for them. Then I look to those around me, the sober people I keep close in my life and they show me that I am doing just what I am supposed to be doing. They show me that I am right where I am supposed to be and that as I continue to put one foot in front of the other I will come through that tunnel and find out that the light at the other end is not a train.

Sometimes, although I have faith in God, as I understand him, I wish he didn't have quite so much faith in me. But I always end up realizing in the long run that I don't have to do this alone and it is not just that God has so much faith in ME, but that he has that much faith in US. It is the We of this program that saves me. Sometimes it is me walking down the path holding your hand ... and sometimes it is you walking down the path holding my hand. We support each other, we guide each other, we help each other. Sometimes it is you picking me up and sometimes it is the other way around.

But whatever way it works out, it always works out. I just have to be willing to open my eyes and see the color of your tears.....and the journey continues.....

Thank God for AA

Thank AA for God

Topic for this week is Relationships in Sobriety. Not just the relationships with hubby or wife, but all relationships, children, friends etc.

I was one of those people who truly did not do relationships well, before sobriety. I had been married twice and both of them failed as a direct result of my actions. My only relationships with men were ultimately unsuccessful as a result of basing them only on sex. Today, I truly believe that is just not enough. I had no women friends, because they were really too dangerous to have around. All I wanted from them was whoever the man was in their life, if anything. And of course other women can see right through you and that is just too dangerous, cuz they might find out who you really are. I had estranged my family to the point that I had almost no contact with them. Of course my excuse was that they all lived so far away and I just couldn't afford to go and visit. Besides I called them, at least 3 times a year. Now that is truly a sustaining relationship. In reality, I didn't have any friends, cuz the people I wanted to be friends with couldn't handle my drinking and the people who could handle my drinking I would never want to be friends with (of course that was cuz they drank the way I did, or worse). In fact the only "friend" I really did have was my daughter and she had no choice in the matter and most of the time she pretty much hated me or at least hated what the booze was doing to me.

Then I got sober. The people in the program told me all kinds of things about relationships. Some I listened to, some I didn't. They said things like don't get in an emotional realtionship during your first year of sobriety. Well, they explained this one to me and I sort of understood, but then when I was 5 months and one weeks sober I met Bob and all that understanding went right out the window. Today I am glad that I didn't really listen to that one cuz he and I will soon celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary. If I had pushed him away for seven more months, the chances are that he would have moved on to "easier" targets. That might have been okay, but then he and I would not have had the opportunity to grow the way we have as a result of our relationship/marriage.

They also told me "Men will kiss your ass and women will save it." Now this one I didn't particularly like, cuz you already know that I had no use for other women. I had also never had a sister, as I have two younger brothers. But I worked at this one and believe me it was hard work, particularly in the early years. But I had two women sponsors who did lots of sponsoring and they presented our relationships to each other as if we were sisters and were responsible to each other. At least it was important for us to help and support each other. What they were actually doing was twofold, 1) they put us in the position of sponsoring each other which helped to lighten their load as sponsors and 2) they were teaching us all how to be friends. As a result of this I still have friendships with some of these women, still today, even though we may have lost touch with each other for years at a time.

They also taught me to be selective about who I chose to be my friends or to be friendly with. They taught me the difference between being civil and polite and being friendly and being a friend. Today, I have learned to be a good friend. I have learned how to be friends with women and not to just be a taker. I have learned how to be friends with men while still being faithful to my husband. I have learned how to be a friend to my husband and he has become my closest friend. I have also learned how to be friends with my family. In the process I have learned the importance of family. Today, my mother is one of my best friends who also happens to be my mother. The two things do not have anything to do with each other, except that we have patched up our differences which arose out of being estranged from each other for more than 14 years.

These things have all come as a direct result of what the program has taught me. These things have all come as a direct result of two very important things 1) I have become friends with my Higher Power and made God/dess an integral part of my life and 2) I have become friends with the most important person in my life, ME. If I am not friends with God/dess and myself first, I can not be friends with you. If I can not be friends with you and my family, my husband and my child, people in as well as out of the program, then life would truly be too empty for words. So the journey continues.....

Tragedy

Before anyone questions my sanity (which no one in the group would do, right?) tragedy can be anything from a mishap to a disaster. Tragedies normally have a negative effect on the person touched by the tragedy. So, how do you handle tragedy? Describe a tragedy in your life and how you survived without alcohol or drugs. Also, remember that an minor incident to you may be a tragedy to someone else. If you know of someone who has been through a tragic situation, describe the situation (remembering anonymity) and, if you did, how you helped them survive.

I held off on writing on this subject and took the time to read everyone else's responses, cuz I was busily trying to think of one tragedy in my life. Couldn't do it though and here is a sampling of why. Between the years 1988 and 1995 my husband dealt with some very serious work related injury problems. This should have been a real tragedy, but looking back at it now, we got to spend so much more time with each other, as a result, and learned to be really good friends with each other. We got to spend much more time in meetings which of course made each of our lives so much better. Then when the case was finally settled we were able to use the money to make our move to Arizona. Though we have experienced huge changes as a result of this move it has been the best move we could have made. How did we deal with this whole situation, we did what the program taught us to do. We went to meetings, we worked with other alcoholics, even when it was just each other. And we stayed clean and sober, no matter what. We had to learn to be patient and tolerant, whether we liked it or not. And we continued to put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, until we finally came out on the other side.

Three days after my daughter turned 18 she moved away from home, NO WARNING. We were both shattered, but then about a week later we discovered that not only had she moved away from home, but she was almost 5 months pregnant and she had moved away rather than let her step-dad, Bob find out, cuz he would have killed the little twit that was her boyfriend. They stayed together, had an amazing little boy, named Cristofer, got married and later presented us with a beautiful grand daughter named Charynn. Shortly after Charynn's birth, he became abusive and my daughter started an odyssey of living in shelters and even on the street, with her two children. I was unable to do anything to help her, because I live so far away and had no financial means to solve her situation. Was this a tragedy? Yes and no. We have two beautiful grandchildren. She ultimately got some great business training, has gotten a wonderful job, met an amazing young man, who she plans to marry, will be divorced in 5 months and she and I have grown closer through our phone conversations during her ordeal. How did we deal with this? We gave her all the support that we could, even though it was mostly only emotional support. We went to meetings, we worked with other alcoholics, even when it was just each other. And we stayed clean and sober, no matter what. We had to learn to be patient and tolerant, whether we liked it or not. And we continued to put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, until we finally came out on the other side.

And then of course there is the situation with my fall at Walmart and everything that has happened as a result of that. Do I like being permanently disabled? No!!! Do I like being unable to ever work again? No!!! Do I like being in pain every day? Hell No!!! But I have also grown more than I can ever begin to tell you, as a result of this. Would I have chosen this course for myself? No way, Jose! Even if I had known what the resulting growth would have been for me? Still, No way, Jose! But having said all of that this has been the most amazing experience I have ever gone through in my life. I do not know where it will ultimately take me, but I do believe I would have never been able to go where I have gone, if it had not happened. How have I dealt with this situation? I have had to learn how to live a whole new way of life. I have had to learn how to function within my disabilities (not fun, but necessary). I have had to learn how to let other people help me, even when I don't want to. I have had to learn how to ask for help (maybe the hardest thing of all). But the biggest things of all are still the things the program has taught me to do. We went to meetings (often only online), we worked with other alcoholics (mostly by phone and internet), even when it was just each other. And we stayed clean and sober, no matter what. We had to learn to be patient and tolerant, whether we liked it or not. And we continued to put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, until we finally came out on the other side.

The biggest miracle of all, has been that no matter how bad or painful living life on life's terms has ever been for either of us, we have not found it necessary to take a drink or abuse a drug throughout the whole thing. This year my darlin' Bob will be 17 and I will be 14. We owe that all to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it doesn't matter if the tragedy is major or just a broken shoelace. The program has taught us that no matter what we do not have to ever feel as bad as we did on that first day we came into the program, one day at a time. And the way to do that is to breathe in, breathe out and don't take a drink in between breaths ~ No Matter What!!!

And so the journey continues.....one day at a time......