Methods for Maddening™:

7 habits of highly annoying people

Volume 1: Easy Irritation

            Introduction: The method behind Methods™

            The Methods for Maddening™ course is designed to allow anyone to raise their level of annoyance easily and quickly.  It outlines ideas for becoming intolerable, practical jokes that will infuriate, and many other simple ideas that will cause you to be completely and totally impossible to stand.  The course is divided into several sections:  This volume is the introduction to the course, and it outlines several methods for beginners.  Later volumes will cover advanced techniques in pestering, badgering, and becoming totally unbearable.  We hope you enjoy this primer in basic bothering techniques.

            Method 1:

            Take every opportunity to impose upon others.  Additionally, once they have assisted you make sure they know that you haven’t used their assistance.  For example, when in a library, ask the librarian to find a book that you know is far back in the library.  While the librarian is gone, write ‘never mind’ on a slip of paper; put that paper on the librarian’s desk and walk out the door.  That’s it: you’ve completed your irritation!

            To make this mode of annoyance even more potent, insist that everything is an emergency.  You need everything yesterday, so that you can ignore it at your leisure.  As your second mission of mischief, call a mail-order company and place a complicated order.  Make sure that the salesperson you are talking to knows that the order is urgent and of the utmost priority.  When he is about to confirm your order, abruptly cancel and insist that the problem has already been taken care of.  Vehemently deny any urgency on your part, and insist that the salesperson forget all about it.

            As a final note for this rule, ignore any objections of the person you are imposing upon.  If they say that they are busy, or need to leave, or have something important to do: don’t listen!  They are just giving excuses to avoid helping you with your emergency situation.  The more they try to evade your ‘crises,’ the more the Methods for Maddening™ are working.

            Method 2:

            Ruin hard work.  Ruin it.  Go out and destroy somebody’s efforts.

            We don’t mean this in a criminal way: rudeness is sufficient.  Be sure to spoil someone’s lifetime achievement.

            Your first mission is to go to an artist and make unfounded and offending remarks about his or her work.  For example, tell a painter that you’ve seen better canvases in a hotel bathroom, or tell a sculptor that you saw a piece identical to his at Wal-Mart.  Go to a concert and boo loudly.  This is most effective if you recruit some large assistants and go to a solo recital.

            Go to a restaurant with an excellent reputation and insist to be served ketchup with everything.  If ketchup would ordinarily be served with what you are eating, ask for soy sauce or black pepper instead.  Apply any other condiments liberally.  Tell your server that you found the food to taste too much like the condiments.

            Congratulations!  You’ve just completed volume one of the Methods for Maddening™ course!  You are now ready to progress to Volume Two: Intermediate Infuriation.