Methods for Maddening™:

7 habits of highly annoying people

Volume 4: Pernicious for Perpetuity

            Method 7:

            Develop a theme for each week.  Change your clothing, home, furniture, speech, and potential victims based on your theme.  Develop a catchphrase based on that theme and repeat it often.  Play loud music associated with your theme (see Method 6).

            For example:

• Star Trek Theme: Wear Vulcan ears or a Klingon headpiece for the entire week.  Quote relentlessly from the Star Trek series.  Constantly press your communicator and ask to be beamed up.  Insist on being called “Commander” or “Admiral.”
• Star Wars Theme: Save the furniture from the Star Trek Theme; nobody can tell the difference.  Carry a lightsaber and make a humming noise.  Dress in a cloak or brown bathrobe.  Drive badly.  Insist upon being called “Darth” or “Master.”  Eat bugs.
• Shakespeare:  As with the previous themes, quote relentlessly.  Speak only in iambic pentameter.  Wear tights and a tunic or a large dress.  Wear a large ruffled collar.  Insist upon being called “Good M’lord.”
• Viking:  Carry an axe everywhere.  Wear fur and skins.  Belch loudly and speak gruffly.  Raid England.
• Roman:  See Viking, but wear a toga instead.  Carry a spear instead of an axe.
• Greek: Roman, but raid Troy instead.
• NASCAR:  Assume an Alabaman accent, cover yourself and your car in stickers, and drink more beer.  Write to your congressman suggesting that NASCAR be the official national pastime.
• Preppy:  Insist on being called “Buffy” or “Skip.”  Wear topsiders (boating shoes) without socks.  Drape a sweater around your shoulders.  Embroider your family crest on your clothes.  If you don’t have a family crest, make one.  Whine about daddy.
• Drama King or Queen:  Cross-dress.  Chew scenery.  Call your agent and publicist hourly.  See Shakespeare.

            Review:

            You’ve got the tools: now it’s your turn to go out and use them.  As an enragement expert, you can now drive anyone to the point of derangement.  Take time to review this simple list of the seven habits of highly annoying people before you go out and inflict them upon the world.  Remember that if people avoid you, the Methods for Maddening™ are working.

1.      Impose: inconvenience everyone

2.      Ruin: Humiliate others publicly

3.      Rename: change your name often

4.      Organize: Surprise party for everybody

5.      Habits: Pick your nose and scratch your butt

6.      Music: “Make it stop!” means it’s working!

7.      Themes: Pick a new persona weekly

            We wish you good luck in your new career as a pernicious professional pest.  We would like to congratulate you for completing the course on how to become your most unbearable self.