Title: Monsters Under the Bed
Author: MajelB
Feedback: majelitab@lycos.com
Rating: PG
Pairing: None
Category: Drama, Angst, H/C, Epilogue
Date: 7/29/03
Status: Complete
Series: None
Season/Spoilers: Season 5, 'Desperate Measures'
Archive: Helio, TF, Gengate, Majel's Homepage. Anyone else, please ask.
Synopsis: Getting over it isn't as easy as Sam thought it would be. Tag for 'Desperate Measures.'
Notes: For Deb, who is really coming along in her nagging ability. :) Thanks to JoaG and Devra for always being on my case and catching my mistakes <g>. One down, three to go.
Sam was feeling better than she had in days. Finally having been released from the infirmary… being there for so long had definitely been a harrowing experience… she was ready to try and put her life back together. Being drugged to the gills and almost killed for the express purpose of playing lab rat served to help her appreciate the little every-day things just a little bit more… things that didn't remind her of the Stargate, the SGC, the Goa'uld, or her unique physiology.
Things like going to the gym on a Saturday afternoon.
Her workout had been tough, far more so than she'd expected, despite Janet's repeated warnings to take it easy and her reasons why. "You're still going to be a little weak for a while, Sam. You had a lot of foreign substances in you and you weren't getting any exercise. There's a good reason why I've only cleared you for light duty, you know." Sam couldn't help but smile at the memory of her best friend's concern… even if it had really annoyed her at the time.
She finished packing her duffel… a new one, of course… and sighed contentedly as she hefted it onto her shoulder, leaving the women's locker room. She smiled and waved a quick goodbye to the kid at the front desk, who'd admitted to missing her while she had been 'out of town.'
Ah, good old normalcy.
She slipped her sunglasses onto her nose and stepped outside into bright sunshine that belied the cool, crisp breeze blowing through the city. She reached into the front pocket of her duffel for her keys, momentarily distracted by the mundane activity, mumbling incoherently as they continued to elude her grasp.
As she finally felt her finger hook the key ring, she looked up and caught the briefest of glimpses of a white, unmarked van driving down the road to her left. At first, it didn't quite click. Why should it? White vans were perfectly common. But without a single rational thought, she did an involuntary double-take and followed the van with her eyes, finding it easily on the road and watching as it stopped at the light up ahead, then slowly and cautiously turned left when the green arrow lit. She lost sight of it.
Sam froze, her heart racing. She couldn't see it anymore! Where the hell was it going? Was it coming back? Were they just casing the area to see if she was there then doubling back to…
She tried to move her feet, to calm herself down. She'd panicked… was still panicking, but at least she knew it and could try to relax. They'd caught them, hadn't they? They were all working for Conrad and they caught them and they couldn't hurt her anymore. She was being ridiculous.
Right? RIGHT?
Sam looked up and down the street for other people, hoping that she wasn't as alone as she felt. She was vulnerable. She'd always been vulnerable… who was she to think that she had ever been safe, even on Earth?
There was no such thing as 'safe' anymore.
She tried desperately to will her feet into moving toward her car. She saw it in her mind's eye, in the parking lot around the corner. Idiot! Right where she'd left it before… what had possessed her to do the same thing again? To park in that empty lot where nobody would hear her screaming or fighting, where nobody would help her. It was just habit… God…
When had she become so helpless? So irrational?
Her feet finally responded by turning her back the way she came. She ran back into the lobby of the gym, breathing hard and frantically searching out other people. Anybody… just so she wasn't alone. She couldn't be alone…
"Sam? I thought you just left. Forget something?" asked the kid at the front desk. Sam looked up, her eyes still a little wild, but if the guy noticed, he didn't say anything. She took a deep breath, relaxing a bit and feeling a little safer.
The kid at the front desk… she didn't even know his name… *he'd* noticed she'd been gone. He would help her, wouldn't leave her alone.
"Ah," she squeaked. Sam cleared her throat and started again. "Yeah… I mean no… No, I just… my car wouldn't start," she groped for a plausible lie. "Have to call somebody to give me a ride."
"Oh, is that all?" he replied, starting to move around the desk toward her. "Well, do you want me to take a look? I've been known to have grease-monkey leanings now and-"
"No!" Sam practically shouted, surprising the poor guy with her uncharacteristic vehemence. "No," she repeated in a much quieter tone. "That's… it's okay… I'll just… call my friend and he'll come get me. I'll just call for a tow later. Don't worry about it, okay? No big deal…" she trailed off.
She glanced over her shoulder at the huge pane glass windows across the front of the building, forgetting about the front desk guy, and ventured further into the lobby. She felt exposed by them… she never had before. She actually very much liked windows, loved the light and the warmth… but now... They scared her. She wanted to hide. She turned around and sat on a bench, back against a nice sturdy brick wall, facing the front door, and pulled her cell phone out of her bag.
New phone. They hadn't found her old one… probably never would…
She shivered.
Sam took a deep, calming breath followed by another wary glance out at the street on the other side of the windows. She dialed the first phone number that came to mind and put the handset up to her ear, growing more and more anxious with each ring. God, please let him be there… Daniel, pick up, pick up, pickuppickuppickupthedamnphone…
"Hello?"
"Oh, Daniel, thank God you're there…" Sam sighed loudly, her voice thick with relief that she hadn't thought to disguise. She felt better already.
"Sam? What's wrong? Are you okay?" Daniel's tone elevated with worry. Sam cringed. She was embarrassed enough; she didn't want to have to explain this to Daniel. She was *not* paranoid. This was just… a phase. That was all. She'd feel better tomorrow. She just needed a little help right now. Daniel would help her.
"Daniel… No, I'm fine. I…" Sam glanced up at the front desk kid who was conspicuously trying not to listen to her phone call. "I'm just… my ah… I'm at the gym and… there's something wrong with my car, and I didn't want to wait here for a tow truck. I… do you think you could come pick me up? You know, if you're not busy or anything? Please?" Sam sounded more than a little desperate toward the end, there. Damn.
There was a slight pause. "I… yeah, sure, Sam, of course. You're at the gym? The same one where…" he paused again, seeming to change his mind about something. "The ah… one by your house?"
"Yeah."
"Um… okay… sure, just… give me a few minutes, okay? I'll be right over."
Sam smiled. "Thank you, Daniel."
"You're welcome, Sam. Just sit tight, okay?" he replied, the placating tone of his voice implying that he knew more than he let on. Can't put anything past Daniel.
"Okay. Thanks."
Daniel pulled his Thunderbird up to the storefront of the health club with a little lump in his throat. It was odd… a couple weeks ago he'd come here to help Jack question people about Sam's disappearance.
He could see Sam through the windows, sitting on a bench in the lobby, and her eyes were trained on him. He knew she saw him… but she made no move to come out to the car. Daniel waited another minute, thinking maybe he'd been wrong, maybe she didn't see him, before turning the car off and going inside.
He swung the big glass door open and strode over to where Sam sat waiting for him. She still hadn't gotten up. "Sam, didn't you see me? I'm parked in a fire lane… let's go," he said gently. He had a funny feeling that told him to tread softly around her. She took a deep, preparatory breath and stood up.
He smiled at her and turned slowly to make his way back out to the car, glancing back to make sure she was following. He needn't have… she was practically attached to his left side. When he felt her fingers searching for his as he opened the door, he didn't question it, but just held her hand, a wave of sadness washing over him as things started to get a little bit clearer. Sam *was* afraid. Janet and Mackenzie had released her. He, Jack, and Teal'c had all thought she was okay, too.
She obviously wasn't.
He let go of her hand, having to pry his fingers away from her iron, sweaty grip, to unlock the passenger door and open it for her. He looked at her as he motioned for her to climb in. Sam didn't see the gesture… her eyes were closed and she stood rigidly, not daring to move. Not distressed… just… pretending she wasn't there at all.
"Sam," he said softly. She opened her eyes. He put his hand to the small of her back and guided her into the car, only closing the door after seeing that she was satisfactorily settled.
Daniel crossed around the front of the car and got in on the driver's side, buckled his seatbelt, then sat with both hands on the wheel. His keys were still dangling from one of his fingers. He just sat there for a minute trying to figure out exactly what to do, what to say. He was her friend… what was he going to do to fix this?
"Daniel?" Sam's voice startled him. It was far louder and stronger than he'd expected given her rather dazed state.
"Huh?" he questioned, a little confused. He was trying to think, and there she was, interrupting him…
"Fire lane. Don't want you to get a ticket. We should go."
Daniel's eyes widened and his eyebrows perked. Oh, yeah…
"Ah… right. Just… thinking. Sorry." He smiled wryly as he put the key in the ignition. He threw a sideways glance at her as he did, happy to see her smiling back. She looked more relaxed already. Maybe this was just a fluke…
He flipped his blinker and pulled out into traffic, heading over to Sam's without even asking. It was only a few blocks away, and Daniel figured that was probably where she'd want to be. A few minutes later, they pulled up to the curb outside Sam's house and Daniel shut the car off, pleased to see that Sam had already opened her door.
She very calmly gathered her duffel bag and got out of the car. Daniel didn't. He sat where he was, both hands on the wheel, watching her. Waiting to see what would happen. Maybe she'd just close the door and poke her head in through the open window to smile, say thanks and goodbye, and he'd drive off. But then, maybe…
Sam shut the door and took a few steps toward the house before seeming to remember something. She turned around and threw Daniel a quizzical look, frowning slightly as she poked her head in through the open passenger side window.
"Daniel? You coming?" she asked, as though she'd always expected him to walk her to the door. He forced a smile and nodded, unbuckling his seatbelt and locking up the car. She waited for him at the curb and they walked to the front door side by side.
On the porch, the only outward sign of Sam's still-a-little-frayed nerves was a small tremble in her hands as she took out her keys and slipped the right one into the lock. Daniel didn't say a word.
She let them into the house and casually flipped on the lights and dropped her bag on the floor next to the couch. Daniel followed her, rather uncertain as to why she wanted him there if for any reason other than his mere company. He leaned on the wall in the kitchen, giving her space, as she pulled a couple of beers out of the fridge. She tossed one to him and he caught it, momentarily surprising himself with his own deftness. He smiled and so did she.
They meandered back to the living room and plopped down on the couch, neither having said a word yet. Sam leaned back into the couch cushions and closed her eyes as she took a few long sips. Daniel pursed his lips, deep in thought, then took a swig of his own drink. He didn't want to ruin the now relaxed mood-she seemed to feel better-but he couldn't just leave things the way they were. He was her friend. He had to ask.
"So…" he began. "What do you think's wrong with your car?"
Sam opened her eyes and looked at him, confused, before his question registered. One thing Daniel could always count on… Sam was not a very good liar.
"Oh… I don't really know… it just didn't start," she replied. Her eyes were everywhere but on him and she fidgeted with the wrapper on the beer bottle. Daniel sighed.
"I thought you practically built that car, Sam. You always take such good care of it. I just would have thought that-"
Sam sat up abruptly, frowning, her eyes narrowed. "Daniel, what exactly are you getting at?" she snapped. Daniel winced and decided that it was definitely a good idea to proceed with caution from here on in. He put his hands up in feeble defense.
"I'm not *getting* at anything. Just asking a question," he said softly. Sam's expression softened in an instant from a rigid expression of anger to one of unabashed regret.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, still unwilling to look at him. "I know. I'm sorry…" She leaned her head back onto the headrest again, closing her eyes. "I'm sorry," she breathed again.
Daniel leaned toward her and gently plucked the beer bottle from her slack fingers and set it on the coffee table next to his own, then sat back, looking at her. She almost looked like she was asleep, but he knew better.
"You couldn't make it," he stated. His voice was soft, but it sounded so loud in the silent house.
Sam squeezed her eyes shut tighter and swallowed hard.
"There's nothing wrong with your car. I saw where it was parked, Sam. And so did you. You remembered and you froze and you couldn't make it."
A tear slid down her cheek as she continued squeezing her eyelids shut. It trailed down right in front of her ear and down her neck. She sniffed… no, more of a sniffle. Wet and hot. Her nose was getting red.
Daniel's emotions were all twisted up. Part of him was triumphant over the breakthrough, happy that the picture was finally coming into focus. When she'd talked about what happened to her before, her accounts were always crisp and detailed. Detached, like she'd been an observer. It was almost easy for someone listening to her to forget that she had been the victim, not a bystander.
That kind of clinical report was all fine and dandy for putting into a file somewhere, but she'd purposely glossed over so much, intentionally left things out… probably as much so that she wouldn't have to deal with it as for her friends' peace of mind.
The less they knew the better, maybe?
Another part of him was disgusted by how much she hurt. Disgusted with himself, with Jack and Teal'c, for taking so damned long, for not even noticing that she was gone until days later. They could have saved her sooner. Could have helped her more. Could have been more inviting, gotten her to feel like she could talk to them.
Ten more seconds, Jack had said, and they'd have found a corpse.
Daniel shivered.
And another part, a very small but powerful part of him, was angry; at Adrian Conrad, at Jolinar, at the SGC, the NID… and at Sam. After all, she-
"You didn't have to lie to me," he said hurriedly, his tone much sharper than he'd intended. Hell, he hadn't even *intended* to say it, it just came out. Daniel regretted it immediately.
Sam bolted up from the sofa and turned angrily to face him. "Like hell, I didn't," she almost shouted, clutching a hand to her chest and waving the other accusingly at Daniel.
Daniel sprang to his feet, that very small-but-powerful bit of anger surging to the surface. "What's that supposed to mean?" he retorted, matching her pitch.
"Oh, yeah, and what was I supposed to say? 'Daniel… I'm too paralyzed with fear to walk to my goddamn car. Come over and *protect* me'?!" She spat, gesturing wildly, the tears flowing freely now, but more from the intensity of her anger than from any sadness. "First, I let myself get kidnapped, then I can't bring myself to pull a stupid trigger to escape, *then* I can no longer function as an adult…" she trailed off, visibly losing energy with each word until she was barely whispering. Her shoulders slumped and she sighed, finally plopping back down into the couch, spent. She clutched at her forehead, hiding her head with her hands, breathing hard.
Daniel gawked at her. He'd fully known that she needed to talk about what happened, to deal with it and get past it, but he was hardly prepared to be the one to help her through it. He took a deep breath and knelt on the floor in front of her, slowly pulling her hands away from her face. Her shoulders quaked with each staccato gasp, as she tried to calm herself down, but Daniel wasn't ready to let that happen yet. She wasn't finished… he couldn't let her just brush this off anymore.
"First…" he began. "You didn't *let* yourself get anything-"
"I didn't fight hard enough…" she interrupted quickly, but meekly. He grasped her hands tighter, smiling wryly as a thought came to mind.
"So, how many guys were there that grabbed you?" he asked casually, eyebrows raised. Her eyes wandered in a circle around the room, avoiding him again.
"Um… three or four, maybe… I don't know…" Sam responded softly, flippantly, not quite getting the point yet.
"Right… so, they figured they needed to have a *team* of big strong guys to grab *one* woman off the street. Overkill? For you…" Daniel smiled. "No. Seems to me you have a reputation, there… They expected a fight and they got one. It. Was. Not. Your. Fault. You did everything you could."
"Yeah…" she agreed weakly, a small smile on her lips.
"Yeah," Daniel replied confidently, his smile widening. Then he frowned. "And as for the pulling the trigger thing… Sam, you're not a murderer," he said earnestly, his voice as strong as his hands as they gripped hers, afraid to let her go.
She nodded and sniffled.
"And… I *want* to protect you, Sam… I only wish I could do it more. I mean, let's face it… most of the time, it's *you* protecting *me*." He grinned at her then sobered. "I want to make sure you're okay, all of us do. You're crazy if you think we don't. We care about you. I'm *glad* you called me when you needed me. That you trusted me that much."
"I lied to you."
"Sam, you're not a very good liar, and I'm not stupid."
"Oh."
"I don't mind. And I *don't* think any less of you."
"Well, you should," Sam squeaked. Daniel looked up at her, puzzled.
"Why?"
Sam sniffed. "I'm helpless, Daniel. It's my worst fear brought to life. I tried and fought and screamed, and no one cared… and I couldn't save myself… I'm trained to defend myself, and all that turned out to be pointless. I'm just another helpless person to be taken advantage of… and it scares me so much. God, it was so *fast*. So easy. And there was nothing I could do… I was fucking *helpless*, Daniel…" Her voice finally broke as she finished, Daniel's name coming out as a sob. Daniel could feel tears of his own brewing, his face growing hot as a lump formed in his throat. "I've never been so scared…" she gasped.
Daniel pulled himself up onto the couch in a fast, fluid motion, bringing his arms around her and cradling her to her chest. The gesture opened the floodgates and Sam began to openly sob, clutching at his shirt and burying her head into his shoulder. He held her, clutching back, kissing the top of her head.
"God, Sam… you're not the only one who was scared…" he whispered as he let her cry.
Sam slipped her sunglasses onto her nose and stepped outside into bright sunshine that belied the cool, crisp breeze blowing through the city. She turned and closed the car door and stood up straight, surveying the area carefully. She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders.
Daniel walked up to her and handed her a set of keys. "You ready?" he asked, squinting at her with concern. Sam nodded, still a little uncertain. But she had to do it. A simple thing, really…retrieving her not-broken car… but she had a fear to overcome, and if this was how she did it, then so be it. She smiled at his questioning look then nodded again, more forcefully.
"Yeah. Yes. I'm ready. No problem," she said, looking him in the eye. She knew he'd go with her if she asked. And she knew, now, what she never should have questioned in the first place-that he *wouldn't* think any less of her. He'd help her for as long as she needed him.
He'd held her as she cried, last night. Made her a cup of hot chocolate once she'd finally calmed down. He listened patiently as she said what she'd needed to say, took her misplaced anger and just let her express it.
And she hated herself for ever once believing that he wouldn't.
Sam took a step forward then froze again. She turned back to Daniel who was waiting for her patiently, leaning up against the side of the car, his arms across his chest. He straightened as she turned, his face growing concerned.
She smiled weakly at him. "Um…" she started, not quite able to form the words, 'I can't do it, not yet.'
She didn't need to. Daniel pushed off the car and stood up straight, coming to stand right beside her and taking her hand.
"Let's go make sure there aren't any monsters under the bed, okay?" Daniel grinned sincerely.
Sam smiled and squeezed his hand.
The End
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