Cycles, by Devra

Part 2: Strangers

Strangers: Jack's POV 

Daniel doesn't want to be here, in this car, near me, close to me. I see it in his body language, his clipped answers, and the fact that he told Janet as much. The lockdown of the base has been lifted, and Fraiser insisted that Daniel leave.

His casted arm lies awkwardly in his lap. I've known him long enough to be aware that the arm pains him, well enough to know he will not take any medication that the Doc has given to him. He has again begun to hold his pain close to him, physical and mental, like when he returned from Abydos.

I miss what we had, our friendship. We are together now to fill a physical need, no longer as an extension of our friendship and love. When we have sex, because we no longer make love, there are many things I want to say…to retrieve what we have lost. But in the light of day, the words seem awkward and contrite. But also, it has been awhile since either of us has seen the light of day waking in the other's arms. We part ways upon the completion of the coupling. Daniel and I have become perpetual one-night stands.

I have pushed him away little by little…and Daniel has allowed it. Fighting me at first, my comments and actions. But I know him too well, and have pushed every button to put him where he is now. Alone, alienated, unsure of his friendships and standing with the SGC.

I have chosen, and today when I saw the tears in his eyes as the android lay prone at his feet, I know I have chosen wrong. I chose to let the daily stress of the SGC chip away at us and now I'm angry because I got caught in the riptide, and let it happen. NID, Kinsey, Simmons, Summits, Asgards, Goa'ulds, Tok'ra words, emotions. Actions and activities that destroyed us both as surely as if we had been zatted twice over. We were both losers, Daniel paid the price and so did I. The difference is, over our loss of control I turned my anger outward, and Daniel has turned his inward. But honestly, in the end, it doesn't make a difference as it all comes down to the fact that I have lost my friend and lover…and am left sharing my life with this stranger in my car.

Today, when I shot to kill, I did it to protect Daniel…whether from *her* or from the base's destruction. Too much, too little, too late. But he will never believe it…never believe the fear I felt when the gate room cameras went down and I knew he was in trouble. Daniel will only see me with my smoking gun, the proverbial military man, standing over something that he cared about. And I could see in Daniel's eyes when he looked at me…the ultimate loss and betrayal.

I pull the truck into my driveway. It is twilight and the street lights give a hauntingly homey quality to the houses that line my block. I will not do to Daniel, what I did to Sarah, I'll talk…and I *will* be honest. I don't know if we can go back to what we had… those moments of happiness. I am beginning to believe they were an illusion…that friendship. For us to be lovers, we must regain the friendship…something Daniel knew…and I forgot.

I make the first step backwards, to regain what we have lost as I whisper to the stranger in this car, the stranger who occupies my bed, but no longer my life. "I've missed you, Daniel."

He looks at me, his jaw clenched in anger. Daniel opens the passenger door and steps down. I hold my breath…waiting for him to begin the long walk back to his loft, but he surprises me by going to the front door and using his key to gain entrance. I hesitate, promising to be truthful, fearing what the truth will reveal.

He is standing in a posture that I haven't seen for some time, observing yet seeing nothing in the darkness outside the sliding glass doors. Anger that has become an all too familiar companion begins to well up inside of me. Anger at the words that Daniel is harboring inside of him... that he needs to say so we can begin to heal. So I push…none to gently, I nudge him with goading words. "Ya know Daniel, part of this, this friction between us…you have to take some responsibility in all of this."

The only response I receive is the rigidity of Daniel's stance, but I know I now I have his undivided attention. "This thing between us…"

Daniel pivots, pinning me with his piercing blue eyes. "You made quite sure, Jack…there is no more *us*."

"You stopped caring, Daniel. You just gave up." I feel like an observer of an accident, it is horrific to see, but yet your eyes are drawn to it. This is either going to be the beginning or the end, there will be no holding back for either us. And for the second time today, this stranger in my house calls me a "stupid son of a bitch."

"How dare you say that *I* stopped caring. That's a joke. The first thing that went was the friendship, Jack. You became degrading, demeaning…with regard to my position on SG1. In front of Sam, Teal'c, strangers. You expected me to leave your treatment of me on a planet, at the mountain, and come home and fall into bed…and let you make love to me. Touch me. Believe you when you told me you loved me…when you no longer respected me?"

He pushes past me, and I grab his arm. I left him in the gate room less than 12 hours ago, I'm not letting him return the favor by leaving me now. And I ask him the question that has tormented for months. "Why did you let me, Daniel? Why did you let me push you away?"

I am getting angrier now as I see Daniel begin to mentally retreat. This has become important, and I intend to bring him kicking and screaming down the path of truth. "Why the fuck did you let me test the limits of our love? You just folded…weren't we worth fighting for? Weren't we worth *you* standing up to me and asking, why the hell are you doing this to me, to us?"

He counters, "Why did you feel the necessity to test how much I loved you? I spent my childhood in foster homes testing the limits to see how much they could take from me before they sent me packing. "

Slight tremors begin to course through Daniel's body, I can actually see it, I can feel it through the arm that I'm still holding. He jerks his arm from my grasp, and walks over the fireplace. He's looking at the pictures displayed, removing the one that has SG1 at a barbecue at the General's house. I can see him caressing the glass covering the picture. The hands that had spent hours caressing me, hands that I want back in my life…hands that now belong to a stranger.

I can see by the set of his shoulders his battle to maintain his composure. He places the picture with great reverence back on the mantel and turns to face me. "I didn't want you to send me packing. I didn't want to lose my family, my life. Especially you…God I'm pathetic…" The grown man makes eye contact, and I see only an eight year old boy with countless years of hardship ahead of him. I stand my ground, though I wish to take him in my arms. But he needs to face this. "I was willing to take everything you did to me…rather than be alone again. Goddamn you, Jack, I hate you for making me care…making me believe you would let me have it all."

Daniel removes his glasses, holding them between thumb and forefinger, sliding his forearm across his face, to catch any unshed tears. He replaces the glasses, supporting his casted arm with his uninjured hand. Daniel whispers…"Why, Jack?"

So many questions. Why are we not friends or lovers anymore? Why are we strangers? Why did I shoot Reese? Why did I hurt him? Why did I feel the need to test his love? That is what he' is looking for. "Sarah never saw me for what I truly am. And when she did, she left me. It nearly destroyed me." I scrub my face with my hands, I am embarrassed to feel this emotional…I am a middle-aged grown man… but my need to have Daniel back where he belongs overpowers everything else. "So little by little I let you see the *real* Jack O'Neill. I guess I wanted to know if even *you* could still love me. Gotta say though, Daniel, you confused the shit outta me by staying. I missed you Daniel…I missed us."

Maybe my need and desire have telegraphed themselves into my features as Daniel responds, "I've missed you, Jack. I missed me…I've missed us."

I grab his uninjured hand, holding it between my own. I rub it against my cheek, hold it to my heart, and bring it to my lips to kiss the palm. He gently wipes the tears that have overflowed from this old Colonel's eyes. Tears born of a fear that I have almost let this man, my former friend and lover, become a permanent stranger in my life.

He whispers words to me…words that evoke different emotions. I can remember another night, filled with friendship and love, flannel pajamas. Daniel answers without asking. "It means, 'may the darkness of night fade by the light of our love'."

Strangers: Daniel's POV 

It was only a matter of time before an incident at the SGC brought me to where I am right now. Wishing I had taken a painkiller for my broken wrist, wishing I was still in the mountain, in the infirmary… wishing I was anywhere but here. Sitting in Jack's car, in his driveway, by his house. I used to believe that this was my home in a way, but for me it has become a shell holding together empty rooms. Like me, solid on the outside, empty on the inside.

I miss Jack. The man who shared my life, my bed, my love…not this stranger sitting next to me. He got angry. Jack's anger built up little by little, catching me so totally unaware, that its presence in our relationship became the norm. Anger towards me becoming so all consuming, that like an eclipse, it blocked any rays of light attempting to reach me.

I *so* want to switch position to alleviate the pressure on my arm. But I won't…I don't want to hear the inevitable "told you so." So I sit stoically in this seat barely breathing. I close my eyes to ward off the oncoming headache, as well as to avoid Jack's imminent line of questioning. The scene in the gateroom replays behind closed lids. Pity, I who hate pity…who suffered through years of pity as the poor orphaned child, saw it today in Jack's eyes. Pity for the "geeky, civilian scientist" who had no comprehension as to why the big bad military man did what he had to do. I understand *now* that he came in gun drawn because of the countdown, but that doesn't excuse the pity.

"I've missed you, Daniel."

I whip my head around, thoughts jumbling over each other, trying to understand. I am angry…angry at him, myself, what we have become. Angry that I am unable to read the meaning in those eyes I used to know so well. Angry that there will be no turning back now…with those words, he has pushed me into a corner. This will be the beginning or the end…Jack has thrown down the gauntlet, and it is up to me to accept or reject this challenge. I open the truck door, hesitating for a millisecond. Years of running from feelings, as I desire to go home, to my loft, shut the door, lock it and hide. Steeling my resolve, I turn towards the walk, to the door, opening it with a key that hadn't been used in months.

I stand at the sliding glass doors, gazing into the darkness of the yard. Remembering other times, better times. Missing them with an almost physical pain. Snatches of times past that are colored by our present relationship.

Jack is standing behind me. I feel him, as I always could, as I always will be able to. His physical presence burns into me, boring holes in my back.

True to his modes operandi, Jack expects me to shoulder some responsibility for the state of our relationship, but I will have none of that. I pivot, the heat of anger courses through my veins when Jack mentions "this thing between us…"

"You made quite sure, Jack… there is no more *us*." He will never know how much that hurt to say…acknowledging that what we once had, the friendship segment of our relationship, is over. Without the friendship, we can never be lovers.

"You stopped caring, Daniel. You just gave up."

For the second time in less than 24 hours, I call him a "son-of-a-bitch". I spout words about caring and friendship…for a linguist, I feel a short circuit developing between my cognitive thought process and my mouth. Panicking, I'm fearful I am going to give up what my brain has been protecting for months.

A compulsion to run, my primal instinct, kicks into overdrive. The walls of the house begin to close in on me…if I do not leave, Jack is going to sense my fear and push, not physically, but verbally. Being with me for as long as he has, the Colonel has learned the power of the spoken word. He grabs my right arm as I push past him. Words are exchanged… words brimming with emotion bottled far too long …but I am so busy trying to protect what I don't want him to know, that I mentally close down and retreat.

Jack notices this and explodes. Questioning why I permitted his treatment of me these past few months. Words and actions that have ruined *us* as well as our friends and SG1. I throw words and sentences back at him, but I begin to tremble with the effort of withholding the important words, key words.

Without even a comprehension of time, I find myself at Jack's fireplace and my eyes search out a particular picture. I reverently take the photo from its place of honor. At first glance, it's just a picture, not even worth a second look by the girl who developed it at the One-Hour Photo. To me…I remember the day, the people…my feeling…my first real sense of feeling, belonging. I run my fingers over the glass, wishing to recapture what once was.

And I tell him…tell him all of it. I was willing to take Jack no matter how he treated me. Leaving Jack, would mean leaving SG1, the SGC, the mountain ….my work, my family. I had already lost two families, I wouldn't survive the destruction of another. But it had become a Catch 22, by allowing Jack to eat into my self confidence, I withdrew, and by withdrawing, I was losing Sam and Teal'c, as well. I hate myself for being this pathetic and I tell Jack that. I who had no family for most of adult life, was hanging on to the one I now had by the skin of my teeth. I refused to let go…I refused to be set adrift, I refused to let him go. So I clung tenuously to whatever Jack would throw my way.

"Goddamn you, Jack. I hate you for making me care…making me believe you would let me have it all." A family, a friend, a lover, I'm left with nothing but memories and an occasional fuck. Not a pretty sight. I can't see Jack's expression through tear filled eyes. Refusing to let them fall, I whip off my glasses and scrub my eyes with my shirt sleeve.

I replace my glasses, Jack's expression of shock taking me by surprise. I cannot comprehend that he didn't realize his constant words of anger hurt me. Hurt me, my head hurts, my arm, I literally ache with the need for a pain killer. But I need one thing from Jack, knowledge. "Why…Jack?"

The Colonel and I both came into this relationship with a ton of excess baggage. Jack had Sarah and Charlie. I am orphaned and widowed. Loved and lost, testing the other's ability to love more. Jack is correct, I must share some of the responsibility. We've done this to ourselves…and I am ashamed.

"I've missed you Daniel…I've missed us."

I see the hope of friendship in those words…the echo of laughter, the promise of love, the possibility of regaining what I thought to be lost, the warmth of my lover. "I've missed you, Jack. I missed me…I've missed us."

Jack grabs my right hand with surprising intensity…holding it between his own. His warmth spreading to me as he brings it to his cheek, rubbing it against his stubble. In a gesture that speaks of promise, he holds it over his heart, then kisses my palm. I hold back a groan of pleasure…that simple touch. God that simple touch letting in long forgotten rays of light into my soul, my heart. I had forgotten how much love Jack could convey in simple movements.

Tears, run down Jack's cheek and I use my thumb to wipe them from both eyes. I remember a night, long ago it seems…that spoke of love and happiness. I search my memory and retrieve the words I used then…but this time, I translate the meaning for him. 'May the darkness of night fade by the light of our love.' By the look in his eyes, he understands. It is going to be a long road, but hopefully, the healing can begin.

On to Cycles 3: Observation