TITLE: And They Say Romance Is Dead

AUTHOR: Darcy

EMAIL: Darcy3011@yahoo.com

CATEGORY: Humor, Sort of ER, Sort of First Time, Sort of Neither

PAIRING: Jack/Daniel

RATING: NC-R Slash

SPOILERS: None

SEASON/SEQUEL: No

DATE: July 2003

STATUS: Complete

CONTENT WARNINGS: Well... sexual situations.

SUMMARY: The real skinny on first times.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This story is the result of a night on chat when I explained why I never write 'first time' fics. The reasons, and my visions of first times will be clear after you read the story. Thank you to Devra and Jo who saved the chat and sent it to me. Many of the lines and ideas are quoted directly from their words. So the story is really a joint effort. I'm not sure if it will translate in the fic, but the chat was hysterical. I also want to thank Majel, Babs and Kalee for pre-reading this and giving me the confidence to post it. TY, guys! And a special thanks to Jo for the quick, yet always sterling beta!

And They Say Romance Is Dead

Jack stepped out of the shower, his body fairly thrumming with anticipation. After months of wining and dining, and confessing and convincing, and okay, a little groveling, he had finally won the prize and possessed what he had once considered unattainable. He had Daniel… to have and to hold, to love and to cherish. And as exciting as imagining what life with Daniel would be like, it paled to the reality of actually having Daniel body and soul. Not only did he love Daniel, the real kicker was that Daniel loved him in return. Life was good.

The only thing that could compare to lying down at night with Daniel wrapped in his arms was waking up in the morning to find him still nestled at his side. They had been together for six weeks and three days, and yes he was counting. The shyness was beginning to wear off and they were starting to do some pretty marvelous things, like taking showers together and wandering around the house naked. Well, Jack was wandering around the house naked, Daniel was still blushing and hedging a bit on that one. Jack smiled, he could wait.

The little things still wowed Jack and he trusted they always would. Taking care of Daniel when he was sick, cozying up with him on the couch, sharing an ice cream, making breakfast on a lazy Sunday morning, seeing Daniel's face unshaved and his hair standing up on end when he first stumbled out of bed… yep, the little things were proving to be the best things.

The physical aspect of their relationship had been much easier than either of them had expected or dared hoped. Jack slowly became acquainted with Daniel's erogenous zones and hot spots and decided that half the fun was in the discovery. Daniel had eagerly returned the favor. Their lack of expertise had led them to some tantalizing new experiences that they might have otherwise missed.

And the kissing… Jack smiled to himself, the kissing was the stuff most mere mortals could only dream of. Daniel's shy hesitancy in the kissing department was gone, though Jack had to admit the shyness itself had been somewhat of a turn on. Now those sweet, full lips and warm tongue would travel the length of Jack's body and linger over all the favorite, familiar places. Daniel's incredible tongue would lap at Jack's skin, nibble behind his ear and dip into his naval. And Jack had thought he had died and gone to Kheb the first time his lover's tongue gently glided over the tip of his penis. He still swore he actually had seen stars that night and he didn't care what anyone said… the earth really had moved. Thinking about his linguist's tongue caused Jack to get hard and he quickly finished toweling himself dry and hustled out of bathroom to jump into bed with the object of his desire.

Jack froze mid step in the bedroom doorway. Daniel was sitting up in bed with his glasses on, nose buried in a book. Nothing odd there, what was unusual, though, were the items lined up neatly beside him in Daniel-esque precision. A box of tissues, a towel, Q-tips, and a tube of unknown substance, which that in and of itself scared him. And a… first aid kit.

"Uh, Daniel, whatcha doin?" Feeling a little vulnerable in his birthday suit, Jack attempted to cover up his nervousness with a casual tone.

Daniel barely acknowledged Jack's presence, keeping his focus on the reading material. "I think we're ready for the next step." The famous Jackson determination rang through the quiet declaration.

Jack did his best not to cower in the doorway. "Necking?" he joked nervously.

The only sign that Daniel heard him was the small sigh that escaped the linguist's luscious lips. "Jack, I thought you agreed to try this."

He had. When Daniel had gotten adventurous and decided it was time for them to 'move on' Jack had agreed, on the condition that Daniel take him first. He figured that would be the best way to learn what NOT to do to ensure Daniel's safety.

"I did," Jack gulped nervously, his hard on wilting noticeably. It's just that the first aid kit is not doing anything to promote my confidence in your ability to, you know… put that missile… where it really doesn't belong."

Daniel ignored the whining and patted the bed beside him.

Too jumpy to sit, Jack picked nervously at the supplies. "What are the Q-tips for?"

Daniel picked one up and studied it carefully. "I have no idea. Just seemed like they might come in handy."

Jack nodded as if that made all the sense in the world. Maybe he could lure Daniel away from this latest fixation. "Can't we just be happy with kissing tonight? Kissing is good." Jack leaned in for a smooch to prove his point but Daniel turned his head and waved him off.

"Stop trying to distract me." Jack's shoulders slouched in defeat at the no nonsense tone as he bowed to the inevitable and slipped into bed beside his frowning, studious lover.

"Look," Daniel pointed at the pictures and diagramed instructions. Jack had one hand on Daniel's thigh, the other holding up his half of the book.

"What the hell is this, some type of manual?" Good lord, maybe those two young bodies could contort that way but if Daniel thought for one minute he could survive that...

"That's exactly what it is, Jack," Daniel said happily, sounding pleased with himself. "Here, look at this." Daniel pointed at another one of the diagrams.

Jack squinted at the picture and tilted his head, trying to get the full effect. "That is so not going to fit in there," he decided grimly.

When Daniel disagreed, Jack snatched the book out of his lover's hands and turned it sideways to get a better look. "No fucking way, Daniel. That has got to hurt. Even they don't look like they're having fun and they're half my age," he pointed out.

Daniel pulled the book back from Jack and gave him a chastising look. "There are plenty of other positions to choose from, we just have to find the right one." Daniel flipped through the pages, carefully studying each pose. "How about this one?"

Jack raised an eyebrow. "I'm an Air Force colonel, Daniel, not a damned circus performer."

Daniel shot him another glare before turning the page. "Here, this one is supposed to be good for beginners."

Jack looked at the picture with disgust. "Beginners and dogs. I am not going to let you hump me like a mutt no matter how much I love you."

Daniel took a deep breath and gritted his teeth. "Okay… how about this one? We could be face to face."

Jack studied the picture carefully. "You are not slinging these old knees over your shoulders, Dannyboy. No way."

"I'll massage you later," Daniel snapped, not bothering to hide his annoyance. "Jack, do you want to try this or not?"

"You gotta admit it's far less complicated with women," Jack grumbled. "I certainly never needed a manual."

"JACK!"

"Yes, yes." Jack mumbled his agreement, secretly wondering if they had a separate manual for seniors.

Daniel had already regained his former enthusiasm. "Think of it as a mission, Jack. Our objective is to find your prostate, and then mine, and then give ourselves hours and hours of pleasure… according to the book."

Right. According to the fucking book. Jack smiled at his unintentional pun. Daniel made it sound so easy and pleasant. Jack had hours of pleasure now, without the //fucking// book. He wasn't sure he could squeeze another ounce of pleasure out of Daniel's body. But if Daniel wanted them to embark on this holy quest to find their prostates then that's what they would do.

The objective did have its perks, Jack suddenly realized, as he gazed at Daniel's naked body. Daniel was so absorbed in the mission prep that he was totally uninhibited, which Jack found irresistible. He swallowed hard as Daniel squeezed out a huge glob of the lube and began liberally rubbing it over his slightly enlarged penis.

"Think that's enough?" Jack asked in amusement.

Daniel blushed as he realized how closely Jack was scrutinizing him. "It says right here on page 15… it is impossible to use too much lube."

Jack muttered something incomprehensible and watched in silent amazement as his partner slicked himself up again.

"There, that should do it," Daniel uttered triumphantly.

"Ya think?"

Daniel ignored Jack's sarcasm and turned back to the instructions. "Uh oh"

"Uh oh?" Jack cocked an eyebrow. "Used too much, did we?"

"Um… no, it's just… that wasn't the part I was supposed to lube first." Daniel squeezed out more of the gel and coated his fingers.

Jack's eyes went wide. "You're going to stick your FINGER up my ass?"

"Yes, apparently." Daniel's voice sounded far away as he concentrated on page twenty as if memorizing it before setting the book down and flashing Jack what was supposed to be a reassuring smile. Jack wasn't fooled. He decided that Daniel looked more like a crazed scientist about to perform a horrible experiment on a poor, defenseless, sappy, old colonel.

The test subject nervously fingered the edge of the sheets. "Daniel, explain to me again why a blow job is no longer satisfying to you."

Daniel was holding his glistening finger dangerously close to his lips. "It is satisfying, Jack, but this is supposed to be… better. I just think we should try it."

"Better than a blow job?" Jack asked skeptically.

"Are we doing this?" Daniel crooked the finger in question and waited for Jack to consent. "At least it's not too big," he added flexing the digit up and down at the knuckle.

"Lemme see that book," Jack bellowed. He took a second to review page twenty for himself. Fingers up his butt? Daniel was obviously misunderstanding the instructions. Genius my ass.

Daniel rolled his eyes and did that thing he did with his lower lip. "Jack, you wanna hurry, I think this lube might be… drying."

"Shh," Jack hushed, engrossed in the diagramed instructions on page twenty.

"I suppose it makes sense," Jack muttered thoughtfully. "Start out with something smaller than… than THAT." He pointed accusingly at Daniel's crotch.

"Think of it as me doing a little recon," Daniel suggested calmly, as Jack continued grimacing at the photos.

"Kind of like sending the MALP through first?" Jack offered.

"Exactly," Daniel agreed.

Jack was just about to set the book aside and let Daniel have at it when something else caught his eye. "Scissoring motion? Daniel, what the hell is this scissoring motion they're talking about?"

Daniel moved his thickly lubed fingers in a cutting action before Jack's nervous eyes and then with his dry hand, took off his glasses, pinched the bridge of his nose and raised his eyebrows. "Are we going to do this or not?"

Jack swallowed hard and nodded his reluctant permission. He obeyed Daniel's suggestion to roll over onto his side. Then Jack gritted his teeth and tried to breathe evenly, remembering above all else that this was Daniel, his Daniel… his Daniel who would never hurt him. His Daniel carefully separated his ass cheeks and cautiously probed for the opening before tentatively forcing in one very slippery index finger.

The effects were immediate. Jack bucked and yelped at the intrusion. "I'm gonna scream, Daniel," he promised between clenched teeth.

"That's what I'm hoping for," Daniel calmly encouraged.

"No, think pain, genius. From the pain."

"If you'd stop squirming around, Jack, I could search for your prostate and then it would be much more enjoyable."

"MORE enjoyable? More enjoyable than this? Is that possible?" Jack spat out the sarcastic question as he flopped around on the bed like a beached fish. He suddenly wondered if it were wise to mock and bellow at a man who had his finger up your ass.

"Jack, you just need to relax," Daniel tried to soothe.

"Relax? Your hand is up my ass," Jack roared in his own defense. "And stop that, that… scissoring thing!" he ordered, trying for his Colonel voice but failing miserably.

"I am not scissoring. It's one finger, Jack. One! Actually…" Daniel continued as he pulled his finger out and Jack relaxed, "I think it would be easier to find your prostate with two fingers." He paused for a second, giving Jack a chance to recover. "Ready?"

"Oh yeah, can't wait." Jack grunted his approval as Daniel worked two fingers into Jack's slightly loosened opening. Jack tensed initially but settled quicker than the first time.

Daniel did his best to find the spot that the author promised would put his partner into orbit without the benefit of a stargate. "Anything, Jack? Do you feel anything yet?" Daniel asked hopefully.

"Oh, I'm feeling plenty," Jack mumbled. The things he wouldn't do for his lover.

Daniel pulled out both fingers, looking smug, probably thinking that Jack hadn't caught him scissoring. "Okay, let's finish up and maybe this time we'll find what we're looking for," the linguist said in his most optimistic tone.

"Put three fingers in there and I'll kill ya, Scissor Boy!" Jack shouted, pleased to see Daniel wince at being caught.

"Jack, you're spoiling the mood," Daniel complained.

"MOOD? What mood? We're having a mood here, Daniel?" Jack was incredulous.

"Hold still," Daniel ordered as he worked all three fingers into Jack. After the initial moan Jack had to acknowledge it did seem easier than the first two times.

"Anything?" Daniel asked, probing with obvious disappointment.

"Daniel, I don't think I have a prostate," Jack declared between clenched teeth.

"Of course you do. I just have to… find it." Jack cringed at Daniel's determination, which clearly stated that the archaeologist wouldn't be giving up the dig site any time soon. Jack was certain they'd find the Lost City of the Ancients long before Daniel found his supposed happy spot.

Daniel reached back for the book, no doubt looking for the page with the diagrams.

"Daniel!" Jack shouted. "So help me if you're reading that book while your hand is jammed up my ass, I'll… ah… ahhh."

"Jack?"

"Ooooh."

"Jack, I found it didn't I?" Daniel's excitement level was nearly on par with the day he opened the stargate.

"Go back." Jack urged, giving his ass a desperate wiggle, hoping to guide Daniel's fingers back to the fun spot.

"Back where?" Daniel's asked as his fingers still searched around.

"To the right."

"No, MY right," Jack growled at Daniel's misunderstanding.

"There. Ahhh… oh, Daniel!"

Jack groaned when his lover lost the spot. Daniel gently removed his fingers from Jack and sat back up leaning against the headboard as Jack sat up to join him. Both of them were too worn out to move on to the next step.

"Well, how was it?" Daniel finally asked.

"It definitely has potential," Jack conceded reluctantly.

"Good. That's good because we're moving on to page twenty-one tomorrow night." This time instead of putting up an argument, Jack leaned in and kissed Daniel's forehead.

"Just out of curiosity, Daniel, what is the first aid kit for?"

"Oh, don't worry about that yet, Jack." Daniel let out a yawn that Jack recognized for the evasion tactic that it was.

"Daniel?"

"The book says that there is usually a little blood the first time. I just wanted to be prepared."

Jack's eyes narrowed. "How much blood?"

"Um… I'm not really sure."

"You're not sure? These sheets are the good ones, Daniel, 500 thread count… how much?"

Daniel sounded irritated. "I don't know, Jack. What do you want me to do, maybe call Fraiser and ask her?"

Jack froze at the thought. "Promise me, Daniel, promise me you'll never call her."

"It's a joke, Jack. Why are you so jumpy tonight?"

Jack decided to ignore the ridiculousness of the last question. "I'm serious, Daniel. We will never get to page twenty-one unless you promise me right now that you'll let me bleed to death before you would call Janet Fraiser."

Daniel stretched out and snuggled his head onto Jack's chest. "I promise, Jack. Quit your worrying and go to sleep."

Go to sleep? The mad scientist had just stroked his prostate, for cryin' out loud. Jack tentatively leaned over and placed a few gentle kisses to his lover's neck, hoping to arouse some desire.

"Jaaack," Daniel whined. "I'm really tired. Can we just sleep for now?"

Jack bit his tongue in astonishment. Tired? HE'S really tired? Why the little shit.

"Sure," Jack whispered, a smile slowly breaking across his lips. "You just rest up for tomorrow night." Jack waited until Daniel was sleeping. The drool pooling in the side of his mouth, accompanied by snoring, a true indication of sleep, before Jack switched on the bedside lamp. Cautiously, so not to waken his archaeologist, he bent over the slumbering body and retrieved the manual, then slipped on his reading glasses, opened to a random page, and smiled conspiratorially to himself.

"Pay back is a bitch," he whispered sweetly in his lover's ear. "Remember that, Dannyboy."

~~finis~~