Title: Fragmented

Author: Kiva

Date: 15th April '03

Feedback: If you get a chance, I'd welcome it at kiva31@yahoo.com

Rating: G

Pairing: Jack/Daniel

Category: Angst, a lil' H/C and some 'inner workings of Daniel Jackson.'

Status: Finished

Season/Spoilers: Erm...no spoilers. Set in any season after FIAD.

Synopsis: The psychological effects of going against your nature.

Notes: Right...I have absolutely NO idea where this sprung up from. I hope it is at lease semi-coherent, but I wouldn't bet on it ;-) The synopsis sucks, and I have NO idea how to describe this, other than a look at Daniel's thought process after some tough times.

Thanks to Devra for the read through and feedback, and Sue Barret for the brilliant and swift Beta.

Warnings: Erm...lots of mental musings. Disclaimer; The characters of Stargate SG1 are not mine, nor do I lay any claims on them. This is for entertainment purposes only, and done in the hopes of shutting the damn plot bunnies up.

Walking slowly down the corridor that would take him to his office, Daniel Jackson shivered. It wasn't cold, but he was chilled.

The events of his team's most recent mission couldn't seem to stop haunting him: the sounds, the smells...the images. All of them banded together, creating a mental barrage of non-stop anguish, battering at his consciousness. He'd tried to protect himself...but each attack felt as if it was peeling away another layer of his protective walls, digging deeper, hurting greater as more layers faded away. He had to stop it; he had to collect himself. He couldn't leave the base because he had a debriefing in one hour, so he was heading for the only other sanctuary he knew, his lab. Dr Fraiser hadn't been too pleased to see him leave when she'd seen how pale he looked, but had no legitimate medical grounds on which to hold him. He needed space, he craved peace, away from everyone...even his friends...even Jack. They had only been exploring the new level to their friendship for a month, and Daniel couldn't turn to him. The man he had admitted - to himself, if not Jack - that he was falling in love with...was someone who probably wouldn't understand the chaotic jumble of his thoughts.

Giving a sigh of relief that no one had seen and stopped him, Daniel slid into his office, taking his card key out and swiping it. He covered his still sensitive ears from the noise of it's movement, as it ground slowly into place. With both entrances to his lab closed, he had finally found the solitude he'd been seeking. The thought made his legs feel shaky, the sensation moving throughout the rest of his body as the day's events caught up to him. He quickly moved to his desk, sitting down and resting his head on its surface, his arms curving over it as if to protect him from a blow.

It had seemed like such a simple mission...to go and greet the natives of P97-6GN, and see if they had anything willing to trade, while setting up peaceful ties between their two peoples. SG1 had encountered a village, not too far from the 'gate, whose inhabitants called themselves the Apslo. Then the simple mission had gone wrong...so terribly wrong.

Some of the neighboring tribes had found out about SG1's visit to their enemies, and seen it as a sign that the Apslo were looking to start a war, using weapons that SG1 had brought through the 'gate. They had banded together quicker than SG1 could realize, and attacked the Apslo. The tribes from the planet may have only been using bows and arrows, knives and stones, but they were more than enough to slaughter a great deal of the unprepared Apslo people. The war whoops of the attacking tribes, the screams of terror and agony of the Apslo, had all combined to deafen Daniel, making him almost miss Jack's call for retreat.

He had thought to protest, to argue that they set this right, but he had seen the look on Jack's face, the one that said his team was in danger and they *would* get out of there, dammit...and logically, he'd known there was nothing they could do. There had been hundreds of attackers, maybe more...their weapons, while more advanced, would have been no match. So they had retreated, Daniel trying to block out the sounds of the massacre no doubt taking place behind them, the sounds of the wounded and dying. He'd then dialed the 'gate, his hands shaking so badly that he had trouble inputting the correct GDO code. He didn't think that the others had noticed...they were all too busy scanning for threats, trying to avoid each other's eyes as the war raged on.

They had escaped intact...in body. But being witness to what had happened had forced Daniel to realize something...he was disappearing. Slowly, he was changing, pieces of him fading and not being replaced. Layers of his identity wearing down, leaving...what? He didn't know.

His eye caught the picture of Sha're that he still had on his desk. Once he had been a husband, someone who was loved and loved back...but that had all been stripped away when Apophis had taken his wife.

An artefact on a shelf secured his attention next. He used to be an archaeologist...marvelling at the wonders that he could discover...now, he couldn't remember the last time he'd been on a dig. The missions that SG1 went on these days were of the hit and run variety. Go there, try not to get shot at, and then go home. Sometimes...sometimes it made him wonder who he was now.

His head hurt, so he closed his eyes, hoping that sleep would come, not even caring that he would most likely miss the debriefing if it did. Because all he wanted to do, was rid himself of the tiredness. That was all. The strain of trying to stay who he used to be, as opposed to what his job *forced* him to become. The strain of trying to hold the fading bits together, trying to retain his identity.

As he slowly drifted off to sleep, losing awareness of his surroundings bit by bit, Daniel wondered what would happen if he didn't.

*****

It was sometime later - he didn't know how long - that the sound of the large door he had earlier closed, woke him up. It was retreating the way it had come, opening up to create an entryway.

"Daniel? You in here?"

It was Jack. But he couldn't find the energy to move.

"Oh, there you are. You okay? You know you missed the start of the debrief. Hammond's rescheduled it for later. Why did you shut the door?"

The barrage of words washed over him, eroding the peace he'd managed to find.

"Daniel?"

The voice was closer now, warm breath on his ear. It chased away some of the cold, and Daniel turned to its source.

"Hey," Jack said next, a smile turning up the corners of his mouth. "You okay?"

Daniel said the first thing that came to mind. "Not really."

The smile faded, concern replacing it. "What's wrong? I thought Fraiser gave you a clean bill?"

"I'm not hurt," Daniel whispered, his eyes closing again. Not physically, he added in his mind.

"What's wrong?" Jack repeated. Daniel knew his knees must hurt from crouching like that, but he couldn't bring himself to tell Jack to move.

"Me. I'm wrong."

Confusion was on Jack's face now. "Okay...you want to elaborate on that?"

"I wish I could," Daniel murmured. "I don't feel like me anymore, Jack...I just feel like...a shadow. Like pieces of me have been disappearing for ages, and I don't know what that leaves me."

Jack was clearly struggling to follow Daniel's thoughts. "Is this about what happened on the planet? You know that wasn't our fault...those guys would probably have found a reason to attack sooner of later...it just happened sooner."

Daniel didn't answer, just opened his eyes and looked at Jack. How could he explain this feeling of fragmentation?

Before he could try, Jack wrapped his arms around Daniel slowly; a little afraid he would be rejected. But the man in front didn't reject him...nor did he welcome him. Just sat there, feeling the familiar weight of Jack's arms around his body.

"I know this is tough, Daniel. I also know, that it isn't the first time you've seen shit like this. In time, you may even see more. You can't let it destroy you, Daniel. You're stronger than that."

Strong? That's what he'd used to think. Until now: now he wasn't strong...his strength had been stripped away, fading like the rest of him. Had he turned into a soldier? He didn't want to think so...but it was one of the layers left. The one that had made him reach for his gun on that planet, even before he'd checked on the conditions of his friends and the villagers. It was the one that had made him see that there was nothing to be done to help the villagers...and no point in trying.

Jack was strong...maybe he could...maybe he could hold Daniel together...just for a while. Until he came back, bit by bit, layer by layer. As the thought crossed Daniel's mind, Jack's hand moved, settling on the nape of his neck and squeezing gently. Daniel felt the warmth of his palm...the...the love in the touch...and slowly, a layer was replaced. This one: That of a lover...a lover to Jack.

"You know, Carter's pretty upset, too. I know she's military, but it was still tough. Maybe you could...you know...talk to her."

Daniel felt it again, another layer being added...that of a comforter, of family.

"Course, it hit a little close to home for Teal'c, too. Maybe the big guy needs a little help."

Then the layer of friendship: Perhaps all was not lost, Daniel thought. Maybe...he'd get himself back. Maybe he did care.

Slowly, he lifted his arms, a little surprised at their weight. They seemed to recognize instinctively the action he had difficulty in completing, moving to wrap themselves around Jack's waist; more warmth...more layers, pieces, coming back slowly but surely. The fragmented bits returning, forming Daniel's identity. Leaving him whole. He may not have been who he was...but he had the feeling that maybe the new person he would become would be okay.

The End.