Title: Itchy and Scratchy.

Author: Kiva

Date: 20th April '03

Feedback: If you get the chance, it would be appreciated at kiva31@yahoo.com

Rating: G

Pairing: Jack/Daniel

Category: Humour (supposedly) ER, Challenge Response.

Status: Finished

Season/Spoilers: No spoilers, unless you count the little yellow people.

Synopsis: Someone's feeling a tad under the weather...ahh.

Notes: Well, here it is EVENTUALLY. Do not ask me where this come from, it's a complete mystery. I know the challenge was issued on Alphagate, but I thought I'd send it elsewhere for fun...hope you like it :-)

Warnings: Er...insanity?

Disclaimer: The characters of Stargate SG1 are not mine, nor do I lay any claims on them. This is for entertainment purposes only, and done in the hopes of shutting the damn plot bunnies up.

Settling back into the soft padding of the couch, Jack sighed. He picked up the remote, about to switch on the tv, when some sort of sixth sense had him up and out of his seat, moving into his bedroom at a fast clip.

"Daniel!" he cursed, walking over to the bed and pinning the other man's hands to the mattress. "I will only tell you this once more...stop scratching!"

Daniel wiggled, trying to free his wrists. "How the hell did you know what I was doing? What, you have a camera in here or something?"

Jack just grinned, sitting down next to his lover and letting go of him. "Yep...and you have *no* idea of the kinda stuff I have on tape."

Daniel rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right, just about what I'd expect from a pervert like you." He obviously thought Jack was joking, his certainty only wavering when Jack's expression never changed. "You *are* kidding, right? Jack?"

Jack finally broke, letting out a laugh. "No, Daniel...I have actual footage that the NID could use of us doing stuff...I'm that stupid."

"Oh," Daniel said, inching the hand farthest from Jack upwards. "Just remember that I'm not well. My brain isn't working properly."

"Yeah," Jack muttered. "So how do you account for the rest of the time - ow!"

Daniel shook his hand, the skin still tingling after his slap to Jack's head. "You know, I'm pretty sure there's some sort of unwritten rule where you *have* to be nice to me." His non-stinging hand was still moving, trying to slip past Jack's impressive radar.

"Nope, there is not," Jack told him smugly. "Stop right there!" he ordered, pointing at Daniel's hand. "Do I have to get the duct tape?"

Daniel thought of several smart ass replies he could make, but decided against it. "I can't help it, Jack. Didn't you ever have Measles when you were a kid?"

Jack nodded. "Yep. Eventually, my mom put some stupid mittens on me, to stop me from scratching."

Daniel frowned, obviously not liking that suggestion, and Jack laughed. "Relax...we don't have any mittens - not that I would be so cruel!" he protested swiftly at Daniel's outraged look, the archaeologist plainly taking Jack's assurances to mean that their *lack* of knitted hand wear was the *only* reason he wasn't wearing any.

"Well, you should be more sympathetic, then," Daniel maintained.

"Daniel, you're a grown man...for cryin' out loud, *Cassie* showed more maturity than you are, and she got the Measles when she was 12!"

"Yes," Daniel patiently explained. "But her's where the normal Earth variety...I have the mutant *off world* variety. No more dangerous, but a *damn* sight more annoying. I can't take anything for it, not even that cream that's supposed to help with the itching."

Jack finally seemed to soften, giving Daniel a kind look. "Okay...what do you say we do something to take your mind off the itching, huh?"

Daniel perked up, an activity they could *both* thoroughly enjoy coming to mind. One that involved *lots* of bodily contact - Jack was, after all, not in danger of catching the damn illness, since Daniel had been the only one to actually *touch* the weird plant thing with the strange sticky out - wait, where was he? Oh, yeah, bodily contact - lots of it - and rubbing...lost of rubbing, all over his very irritated, very *itchy* body.

Jack smiled at Daniel's expression, knowing *exactly* what had come to mind...unfortunately, he was under *very* strict orders - from the little dictator herself - that Daniel was to do nothing more strenuous, than go to the bathroom. So, that kind of limited their options. However, what *he* had in mind was going to be fun for him, and Daniel...well, Daniel would learn to love it eventually.

"C'mon," he said, standing up and beckoning his lover.

Daniel narrowed his eyes, the blue orbs flashing dangerously as he realized that the two of them were thinking some *very* different things. Of course, he *had* been stuck on complete bed rest for the last two days, and frankly, the prospect of getting up to grab the *mail* was looking more and more inviting. So he followed Jack into the living room, sitting - or falling, whichever described the complete lack of control his body had had over his descent onto the cushions - on the couch. Jack sat next to him, and Daniel took the opportunity to snuggle up, coincidently getting the revealed patches of his blotchy skin as up close and personal with Jack's t-shirt and jeans, as possible.

"Hey, cut it out, or you're going back to bed for a Time Out," Jack warned, Daniel subsiding sullenly at his words. He didn't pull away though, preferring to stay and feel the warmth of his lover's body heat, seeping through layers of clothing.

"What are we doing here, anyway?" he complained.

"The Simpsons is on," Jack explained absently, grabbing the remote once more and succeeding in his bid to bring the set to life. "Aw, look at that, I already missed the first half 'cause I had to stop you from making your damn Measles worse."

Daniel frowned. "They're not Measles. " He held a spotty arm up for inspection. "Just because they look...and act...and *itch* ...like Measles, doesn't mean they are...." He trailed off, deciding that he didn't really give a damn *what* Jack called them. Instead, he settled down, his head leaning on Jack's shoulder as a few nights of restless sleep caught up to him. Jack wriggled into a more comfortable position, reaching an arm around Daniel's shoulders.

After a moment of silence, Daniel spoke up. "Who's your favorite Simpson?"

Jack suppressed a smirk, wondering if he'd finally snared his lover into the animated world of the characters from Springfield. "Homer," he said at last, looking down to meet Daniel's gaze, as the other man craned his neck up to see his face. "He's not too smart and he's not too...well, he's a pretty stupid guy. But...he loves his kids. Not to mention Marge. He likes to do the right thing when he can." Seeing Daniel's thoughtful look, he tried to dismiss what he'd just said by making a joke. "Hey, and he likes beer too, so...."

"I like Lisa," Daniel replied. "She's smart, but geeky...but she loves her family. Even Bart, and he drives her crazy." He leveled a sideways look at Jack, implying that their behavior wasn't so far removed from certain other people's behavior. Jack just smiled, turning his head back to the tv.

"Can't believe we just had a serious discussion about the *Simpsons,*" Daniel groaned. "Ha! Even worse, *I* initiated it."

Jack just turned his smug expression up a notch, declining to answer.

"You know it's only 'cause I'm sick, right?" Daniel asked. "I'm not getting sappy or anything."

Again, Jack didn't answer, knowing that would piss Daniel off even more.

"Jack? Jack!"

"What?"

"You're implying that I'm getting sappy about you, before you've gotten sappy about me."

Jack snorted. "Hey, I'm lettin' you watch The Simpsons with me...I've got news for you, I've already reached sappy."

"How the hell can you sit there and say that watching an animated cartoon with your lover is *sappy*?"

"Hey, it's my favorite cartoon!"

"It is *so* not sappy."

"Yes it is."

"No it's not."

"It's as sappy as I get, okay!"

"No, it is *not.*"

"Daniel -"

"Jack -"

And in the background, unnoticed by the two men arguing, two little yellow children laughed loudly at their favorite cartoon.

"They fight! And Bite! "They Fight And Bite And Fight! Fight Fight Fight! Bite Bite Bite! The Itchy And Scratchy Show!"

The End.