What's Been Missing

By MajelB

Sam squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath, trying to clear her mind for just a split second. Her brain hurt, her back hurt, her eyes hurt… and, God… her chest just wouldn't loosen its grip on her heart.

Sam was aching, though she would never admit it to anyone. She felt empty and emotionally aimless, despite the fact that she had a very concrete goal set before her. The sensation, she reflected, was akin to loneliness in a room full of people.

Until today, she hadn't fully understood why she was feeling the way she was. She'd just chalked it up to fatigue, maybe guilt… but then, Janet had come to see her.

You miss him.

Yeah.

Is this a problem?

Was it? Was it a problem? Sam had been empty like this for far longer than he'd been gone, though she'd never felt it so acutely before. There had always been other things to concentrate on. The team had been together. She had felt like she had everything she needed. She was part of something bigger than herself, and that had been enough.

Janet seemed to think that it was the Colonel… Jack. And maybe it was. She loved him… she could be honest with herself about that. But she was so full of love for others… for Daniel, Teal'c, her father, the Colonel… No, it was something else.

It was one thing to love, but something else entirely to be loved.

There was a time when she honestly thought she knew what that meant. She had thought Jonas loved her, that he simply showed it a little differently than most. But she had wanted it so badly… wanted to know what it felt like to be valued, possessed, passionately cared for, that she had deluded herself, redefined her parameters to fit her situation instead of the other way around.

She had almost settled.

Sam shuddered at the long-forgotten sentiment and rose from her stool. A few minutes away from the half-built particle accelerator on her workbench couldn't hurt.

Eyes downcast and mind wandering, Sam made her way to the surface on auto-pilot. She left the mountain and was almost surprised to see the sun shining outside. It was so easy to lose track of time so deep underground. She took a deep, cleansing breath, inhaling the sweet scent of pine on the air, relishing the freshness of life all around her.

And, for the briefest of moments, she sank into nothingness. Her mind went blank and her heart seemed to stop. She became little more than an observer in this big world. She didn't move, didn't dare, for fear that she would rematerialize and have to go back to real life. No… just then, she was content to pretend she didn't exist.

"Sam?" Sam gasped and turned at the sound of Janet's voice, offering a shy smile as her friend sauntered toward her, hands deep in the pockets of her lab coat. "It's good to see you outside." Janet grinned and stopped a few paces away from Sam.

"I guess I just needed to get away for a little while. Clear my head." Sam moved to sit down on the cool grass blanketing the clearing around the entrance to the mountain, and Janet followed.

The two women sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity, staring out into the trees and listening to the light breeze weave through branches and leaves. Finally, Janet broke the silence.

"Are you okay?" she asked, tilting her head to look Sam in the eyes. To her surprise, Sam issued a pitiful little laugh and shook her head.

"Janet… everything's falling apart. I just don't know what to think."

"Does this have anything to do with the conversation we had earlier? Because, Sam, I didn't…" Sam cut her off.

"No! Yes… I don't know. I just don't know, and it's a horrible feeling… uncertainty."

Janet turned her head away from her friend as she noticed the slightest traces of red beginning to blossom around her eyes. Sam was a very private person, and Janet had just begun to consider standing up and walking away… leaving her to sort through her feelings in solitude. She moved her foot under her to lever herself up, when she felt a hand come to rest softly on hers.

She turned to look at Sam, surprised by the uncharacteristic gesture, and saw a tear begin to trace a glistening trail down her cheek. Her eyes pleaded with Janet to stay, and she nodded imperceptibly, lowering herself back to the ground.

Janet had seen Sam cry only once before… two years ago, when they'd come back through the gate believing that Daniel had been killed. She turned her hand over beneath Sam's and weaved their fingers together.

"Anything you need, Sam, I'm here. I'm here," Janet whispered, allowing Sam to lean up against her. Sam's body heaved as she silently sobbed, stress and exhaustion and grief finally taking full hold of her, forcing themselves to the surface.

Janet couldn't breathe. As she urgently pulled Sam closer to her, she fought to stifle her own muffled cry. Emotion coursed through her as she clutched Sam's body, feeling the weight of her friend's misery. She wanted nothing more than to be able to make it stop. To bring her some peace. She stroked Sam's hair lightly and kissed the top of her head, cooing small comforts in her ear.

Janet was a nurturer. A doctor by profession and nature. But she had long since suspended the practice of barring her emotions for all to see, of taking people at face value and trusting them with her fragile heart. She'd had it broken too many times. Seen her marriage fall apart in a spectacular display of emotional pyrotechnics. Even her own family had been on her ex-husband's side when she'd left, having fallen victim to his silver tongue and moral creativity.

He'd convinced everyone that she was to blame, and she'd let him do it, just to get away.

But it had been worth it, she thought. It was worth the pain and loneliness and regret, just to have him gone and out of her life. It was her firm belief that people should bring something to you, not just take away. Not just drain your life from you. And so, she came to believe that she would be fine all alone.

Alone. At first, it had been something of a blessing… until she suddenly had people close to her to care about again and she realized what she'd been missing.

People to take care of.

Sam had quieted down a bit, the tears merely trickling and sobs manifesting themselves only as weak sniffles, and Janet gently caressed her face, pushing a few stray strands of hair away from Sam's forehead. She looked up and Janet's breath caught at the wideness of her crystal blue eyes.

Sam smiled shyly, and Janet returned the gesture, holding the other woman at arms length, then pulling her up from the ground.

"Let me drive you home, Sam," Janet stated, her voice barely above a whisper. Sam shook her head.

"Janet, it's only…" Sam glanced down at her watch and sighed. "It's only 1:30 in the afternoon. I can't-"

"Yes, you can," Janet cut her off, earning a weak attempt at an evil eye. "You've been holed up in that mountain for God knows how long, and I want you to go home. You need some rest, Sam. Just look at yourself. You're a mess!" Janet continued, her grin widening with each word.

Sam glanced longingly at the entrance to the mountain, then turned back to Janet. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. I just need-"

"No. There is nothing down there that you can't live without for one night. We're leaving, okay?"

Sam smiled the first genuine smile Janet had seen on her in a very long time. She was so glad to see it, that she couldn't help putting her arm around the taller woman's back and squeezing her shoulder. They looked at each other, and Janet beamed triumphantly in the wake of her minor victory.

As they made their way back into the mountain to get Janet's car, the doctor swung by the security checkpoint and told the guards to notify the General about their departure, not worrying about it much since Warner was also on duty. General Hammond would be nothing, if not grateful to her, for getting Sam off the base for a while.

Janet led Sam to the parking garage and unlocked the doors, gesturing her to the passenger side. Janet opened her own door, started the car, and sped out of the mountain with a ferocity that surprised Sam into clutching her armrests.

"Jeez, Janet… would you mind if maybe I gave Cassie her driving lessons? I'm not sure I want her learning from you," Sam commented dryly, but with a hint of amusement in her voice. Janet just smiled.

"Um… Janet?" Sam said quietly, as if afraid of her response to what she was about to say.

"Hmm?"

"There kinda is something down in my lab that I can't get through the night without."

"What's that?"

"Well, I don't usually make a habit of keeping my house keys on me at all times."

"Shit. So much for our dramatic exit."

Sam couldn't help but laugh.

A short while later, Sam found herself getting out of Janet's car whilst fumbling with her keys. Janet shut the car off, and Sam turned around to look at her.

"What are you doing?" she asked, plaintively.

Janet gawked openly at her before clamping her jaw shut and getting out of the car. "I'm coming in with you to make sure you don't start working on something."

Annoyed, Sam slammed her door shut and stared at Janet as she walked around the front of the car toward the house. "And just what am I supposed to be working on? You made me leave everything at the base!" she nearly shouted, fists digging into her hips.

Janet stopped in her tracks, surprised by the sharpness of Sam's tone. Taking in her friend's reaction, Sam immediately regretted being so terse. Her eyes dropped to the ground and she relaxed her stance to one of quiet defeat. Risking a glance upward, she eyed Janet, who had begun to walk toward her again.

Janet's face was gentle again, not upset, and her walk was graceful and deliberate. Her entire being, her presence, exuded a peaceful air, and Sam tilted her head and began silently begging for forgiveness. Janet, sweet Janet, who had such infinite patience, didn't deserve her attitude.

"I'm sorry," Sam whispered, as Janet placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"I know. Don't worry about a thing, sweetheart. We'll just go inside and see from there, okay? Who knows what kind of good a day or so can do." Janet smiled and Sam nodded, hefting her keys in her hand. They walked up to the front door and Sam let them into the dark and silent house.

As soon as she crossed the threshold, Janet moved into the living room and began throwing open drapes, letting natural light flood into the room. Out of habit, Sam went into the kitchen to check her answering machine. Upon hearing the metallic voice of the 'You have no new messages' lady, she wondered for the umpteenth time why she even bothered to keep the damned machine.

Sam sighed and threw her keys onto the counter, jumping a bit as she heard her stereo come to life. She smiled to herself at her ludicrous behavior. She'd momentarily forgotten that she wasn't alone in the house.

"Janet? What are you doing?" Sam sighed to herself and moved to walk into the living room just as Janet walked out. "Janet…" Sam said in something of a warning tone. Janet shrugged her off, gripped both her shoulders and aimed her in the direction of the sofa.

"I don't care what it takes. You are going to relax, Sam. Go make yourself comfortable. I'll be right back." Janet smiled and gave Sam a little push before disappearing into the kitchen.

Sam obeyed and plopped herself down on the couch and closed her eyes, the brightness of the room penetrating her eyelids and the sound of Janet clanking things together in the kitchen filling her ears. And then the clanking turned to crashing in her mind, sounds of meteors crashing to the surface of Edora, the sound of the Stargate disengaging just as she and Teal'c had passed through.

The lingering silence where the Colonel should have been. The empty chair at the debriefing and the somber quiet in the locker room. Daniel trying to pull her away from her work, pulling back into himself as she built a wall of her own.

She'd been working so hard, piling the bricks higher and higher around her. And now, she was, quite simply, exhausted by the whole futile exercise. Exhausted enough to finally let someone in.

She was glad it happened to be Janet.

With that thought, Sam stretched and sighed contentedly, opening her eyes to find Janet hovering over her, a glass of Chardonnay in her hand. Sam smiled, and took the proffered goblet as Janet sat down next to her, leaning back and closing her eyes.

Sam took a sip of her wine and set the glass down on the coffee table. She put her feet up and sank down into the cushions, turning just enough to give her a clear view of Janet, who was humming quietly and twitching her now bare toes in time with the classical music she had turned on. Sam smiled to herself, feeling a surge of unadulterated joy at knowing this person.

"Janet?" she whispered, drawing closer to the other woman's face.

"Hmmm?" Janet replied dreamily, not opening her eyes.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For you," Sam finished, and without thinking, leaned over the unwitting doctor, bringing their lips into gentle contact.

To Sam's surprise, Janet didn't pull away, but took a deep, preparatory breath through her nose and deepened the kiss, bringing her arm up around Sam's shoulders and pulling her body toward her. Sam's lips parted slightly in response and Janet's tongue gently sought entrance to her mouth. Obliging, Sam mirrored Janet and closed her eyes, immersing herself in the feel of the moment. She reached up to caress Janet's face, lightly brushing her cheek, and soon felt Janet melt under her touch.

Janet's heart thudded wildly within her chest as her brain tried to wrap itself around her body's actions. She could feel Sam's heart beating in synch with her own and reveled in the mysterious harmony. Without really consulting her first, one of her hands slowly began to move up Sam's side and under her shirt, her fingers commencing a feather light dance on her smooth and sensitized skin. It delighted Janet immensely to feel the sudden rippling of goose bumps under her fingertips.

As her errant limb made it's way steadily up Sam's back, Janet pulled away for the briefest of seconds, catching her breath and opening her eyes. She gasped at the sight of Sam's face, red and glowing with interest and desire, radiating a depth of emotion that simply could not be expressed through mere words.

In the next eternal instant, Sam opened her eyes as well, and the two women found themselves lost in a narrowed world, occupied only by themselves. They lingered there interminably, the trust between them growing to tangible proportions.

Trust in each other, faith in each other, love for one another, peaking and flooding over and through them, culminating in a primal need for one another.

With an adept motion of her fingers, Janet undid the catch on Sam's bra and Sam smiled, pulling her own hands away from Janet's face only to move them to the tie fastening Janet's collar. Janet began slowly pulling Sam's shirt up, starting at the bottom and tickling her way up, giving Sam enough time to undo the buttons of her blouse.

As they carefully disrobed each other, their hearts beat on as one, deafening them and cutting them off from awareness of the outside world. They were consumed, inundated by the swell of combined emotion, content in the knowledge that they had finally found what they'd been missing.

fin