Title: Insomniac
Author: MajelB
Feedback: majelitab@lycos.com
Rating: R
Pairing: Sam/Janet, established relationship
Category: Romance, PWP
Status: Complete
Season/Spoilers: Any season, no spoilers
Archive: Alpha Gate. Area 52. Majel's Homepage
Synopsis: Just a little role-reversal… Sam waits for Janet to come home.
Notes: Seriously. I wrote this at like, 3 in the morning. Thanks to Devra for convincing me to post it.
Warnings: Um… language. Some nudity, not gratuitous, but it's there.
Nominated for Best Angst Story
It's 2:30 in the morning. And it just keeps getting worse… that feeling that I just *have* to get some sleep. That I have to get up in four and a half hours. That I'm lying here in bed, sweaty, the sheets and the comforter wrapped around me in all sorts of *un*comfortable ways. Alone.
Janet would call it poetic justice. She never brings it up… doesn't think it's fair of her to, which I bless her a thousand times over for… but it kills her when I'm gone. When I'm off-world and she's lying here in bed, sweaty, the sheets and the comforter wrapped around her in all sorts of *un*comfortable ways. Alone.
And call it a cliché, but I'm suddenly very aware of how she must feel.
I don't know what she does at times like these. Maybe she's just used to it and I'm not. But I, for one, have tried everything I could think of. Warm milk, soft music, a boring movie… but my brain just won't stop working. My eyes just won't stay shut. I can't get comfortable.
And I have to get up in four hours and fifteen minutes.
I suppose I could skip my shower… take one at the base at some point during the day. That would buy me another insignificant 20 minutes. Big deal.
Now, maybe if I just close my eyes and lie perfectly still. Steady my breathing, clear my head… relish the comfort of the mattress, the warmth of the covers… the lack of warmth right where Janet should be… focus, Sam! Just breathe… in and out. In and out. See, this isn't so hard, is it? Just stay still and breathe… in and out. In and out…
Ah… in and out. In and-
And just what the *hell* was the general thinking, sending her out like that? Barely five minutes notice… just 'Dr. Fraiser… SG6 had an incident off world and have requested your presence with the medical team. You ship out as soon as you're ready…'
Bull fucking shit. Barely even gave her a chance to say goodbye to me. Or tell me what was going on. Not that Hammond would have any reason at all to consider that Janet might have someone who would be waiting for her… worried sick about her. Loosing a hell of a lot of sleep over her. No reason at all to think that all the good doctor would need was a couple minutes to leave a message at home for Cassie. For Cassie, not for me.
No, all I got was a quick goodbye as soon as I heard she was leaving… caught her in the locker room as she was on her way out. A furtive, whispered 'I love you' and she was off down the corridor to the gateroom.
And all I could do was stand in the control room, pretending that there was some important work that I just *had* to be there to do. I couldn't just be there to see my lover off. To see her one last time before she left. She did smile at me. A small, sad smile… trying to tell me that she was sorry, that she knew what I was feeling. But it didn't really help.
Four hours and two minutes. I suppose skipping my shower *and* breakfast might be in order…
How is it possible that this is both the longest and shortest night I think I've ever experienced? Frankly, it defies the laws of temporal mechanics, as far as I'm concerned. I wonder if the Theory of Relativity could ever include an allowance for the affect of emotional stress on the passage and/or perception of time. If so, in what way could such a concept be quantified…? Too many variables. Too many abstract variables. But maybe trying would help put me to sleep…
Aha! There! A yawn! Sam, my dear, we're making progress! Maybe now, if I recited the Periodic Table of the Elements… backwards… that might work…
* * * *
It's dark. The bedroom is darker than I ever remember it being. And I'm not alone. I can feel that much without having to actually see. I can hear breathing… and it's familiar. I smile.
It's too quiet though… I need some sound. Just something else going on before I can feel comfortable. I decide to get up. I flip the covers away from my body only to discover that I'm completely naked. But not cold. Not embarrassed or scared or annoyed.
Just… content and natural and beautiful. And I know, without looking, without having to, that Janet is similarly undressed under the comforter. And I know that she's awake. Just quiet. Waiting to see what I do next.
And I think… I'm happy, I'm naked… this is one opportunity that will not pass me by.
I walk to where I know the stereo is sitting on the dresser. I find the play button by feel and close my eyes, waiting for the music to start.
When it does, though… I'm surprised. I don't know why… I just know that song shouldn't be playing… I know it's not even on the CD that I know is in the player.
But it doesn't bother me. Nothing can bother me. Not now. But I feel that it's important… that I should pay attention to it. As I walk slowly back to bed, blind in the darkness, but knowing all I need to, *Unravel* plays. Softly. And I forget it's there.
She's silent as I hold her. Doesn't make a single sound… but moves her body in perfect rhythm with my own. We move sensually… slowly and searchingly. Seeing each other's perfect bodies with our hands. Our fingers, the tiny hairs on our arms and legs… all stand up to participate. Every single touch… every movement… turns me on… makes me ache and want and crave. Makes me want to cry with the pure depth of what I'm feeling. What Janet is doing to me… what I'm doing to her.
And finally, I loose myself. And so does she… simply by touching. Simply with each other's presence… that's enough. And it's beautiful. And so intense and promising! And I marvel at the feel of her beneath me… my breasts grazing hers, the soft touch of her hardened nipples against my skin is almost enough for me to go over the edge again, even so soon after… And I can feel her smiling, and touching, and…
And something happens. There's a noise and suddenly my perception shifts. I can still hear the music playing. The same song, even after what seemed like an eternity. But it's different. Off in the distance and disjointed… and I know it's only because I'm trying to pull it back from memory. Scrabbling to crawl back into the dream I suddenly realize that experience was. I claw after it, trying to just *imagine* it enough to make it real… but once it's gone, it's gone.
I'm on my back, still in my flannel pants and tank top that I must have finally fallen asleep in. I sigh in disappointment and glance over at the clock. 3:55 am.
Ha… and I'm supposed to fall back asleep after *that*?
In an attempt to deny the futility of my efforts, I do close my eyes again. Try the 'lie perfectly still and breathe' approach again. It seems to work for a moment, and I can feel myself drifting back to sleep… I really am tired…
Until there's another, soft, almost imperceptible noise. Probably the same one that woke me up before. Probably just Cassie up for a glass of water. I shrug it off. In and out. In and out.
There's another soft click and soft sound fills the room. I smile, but don't open my eyes. All that worry for nothing…
"What are you doing?" I ask in a whisper. I hear her smile as she takes off her clothes.
"It's too quiet in here… I'm sorry I woke you up. Go back to sleep," she whispers back.
Not on her life, I think, as I recognize the song. Deja vu. And all I can think… is it's a sign of what's to come.
She doesn't put on her nightgown, still thrown over the chair in the corner… she just crawls into bed, silently. Blindly.
I reach for her. Suddenly very willing to go in just a little bit late tomorrow morning.
I can hear her smile.
The End
Unravel, by Bjork
While you are away
My heart comes undone
Slowly unravels
In a ball of yarn
The devil collects it
With a grin
Our love
In a ball of yarn.
He'll never return it
So when you come back
We'll have to make new love.
