weekly stories of a bumbling idiot
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"Why Penguins and Eskimos Don't Mix"
It all happened about three years ago. My best friend Juck Toouck and I were out searching for seals to eat (hey we are eskimos it's what we do) when i saw it over the hill. It was glistening in a heavenly light, with sparks of colored light reflecting off of it i kneww i had to have it, so i threw down my spear and hop on my sled "MUSH!" I yelled, "MUSH!" Then it was gone it confused me so much i just fell over. Three days later i got up from where i had fallen and i awoke to see thousands of beady little eyes lookin down upon me in amazement. I got up quickly cause i was startled and than when i realized where i was i was even more startled it had appeared that i had fallen threw a sheet of ice into a cave, in this cave were many different things i had never seen before. There was what they called a transit where magical dog less sleds moved on thier own, and i realized was not cold anymore because of what they called central heating. Yes this place amazed me but it was not my home, but when i was about to leave they crowded around me and one of them spoke, "Welcome strange friend to a land where equality meets with friendship and where happiness is wrapped up in a nice little package of love, yes my frined this is the land of dreams, this is the land of the penguins." I had never seen a creature unlike a human talk before so with a mixture of excitement, fear, and joy i crapped a huge load in my seal skin pants. The penguins did not care that a made a public dookie in my pants instaed one of them welcomed me into their home and washed me up and fed me, yes they fed me so much i felt like i was going to burst it was at that moment i said "i am livin here." The next few days were blissful i made friends with the penguins, we played chess and volleyball (who knew penguins liked those games, let alone any game) we ate drank sang and made love (whoops that slipped, oh well.) Yes i would have to say this was the best time of my life why they were feeding me so much i was plumping up just like a turkey. I lived for about a month before i realized wait a minute i am geting really fat and the penguins seemed to be really hungry. So the next few days i did myself a little snooping and that is when i came upon the really plan of these little black and white bastards, They had an eskimo prcessing plant and i was the next new meat, i knew i had to get out of there fast. In my house i made a semi-automatic machine gun out of tube socks, a toaster, baking soda, and an old whale bone. That night it was bloody masacre consisting of penguin heads, butts, and limbs. Before the night was through i had killed everyone of those little bastards and destroyed there little scoiety. I escaped with only minor cuts and bruises. If only i could sleep at night i am kept awake of with the sounds of my own brothers being crushed and tenderized in my mind. And who knows how long it will take the sons of bitches to find me until then i just hope and pray they never do.