The JOKE page!

General Custer was looking out one night from his fort and shouts down to his captain "I don`t like the sound of those drums..." Just then a voice comes from behind a hill "It`s not our usual drummer!!!"

A young child says to his mother, "Mum, when I grow up, I want to be a musician". She replies, "Well dear, you know of course that you can`t do both"...

A guitarist walks into the dressing room and finds the bass player and drummer fighting. "Hey cut it out! What`s going on?" says the guitarist. The bass player says, "The drummer`s de-tuned one of my strings". "Well, that`s no reason to get upset" says the guitarist. "Yes it is." says the bass player. "He won`t tell me which one"....

Q: How can you tell if the office bimbo has been on your computer? A: Tippex all over the screen.

Q: What does an ostrich and the tax man have in common? A: Both can shove their bills up their ar..

Q: What is a band? A: Several musicians and a drummer...

There were two people walking down the road, one was a musician...and the other one didn`t have any money either...

Q: What`s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine A: With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once..

Q: What is a drummer? A: A person who hangs around with musicians..

Q: What is written on a dead blues players` gravestone? A: Didn`t wake up this mornin`

Here is a joke sent by Rick from the Tremeloes A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the Captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was, after all, the Captain's parrot. One night during a show the boiler blew up and the ship sank. The magician found himself on a cabin door in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They sat staring at each other with hatred for three days when all of a sudden the parrot said "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?..

Here`s another from Rick of the Trems...hey we`re going to be running out of space at this rate! A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays... “God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself... "Brandi, work with me on this… Buy a ticket."

While we`re on the subject, "listen" to this.. A man meets an old friend in the street one-day and notices that he is rather glum looking. “What’s up”? He asks him. “Well” replies the friend. “On Sunday I was checking the lottery numbers and found I had won £750,000, then on Monday I received a letter from Littlewoods telling me I had won £125,000 on the football coupon, yet again on Tuesday I had a letter from a raffle company telling me I had won first prize, an Aston Martin”. “So why are you looking so down”? The first man asks. The friend replies in an angry voice, “today I got sod all”

A topical one from Rick again..Apologies to to any Chinese people reading, but you`ve got to laugh.. Three Chinamen die and go to Heaven. St. Peter opens the gates and says, "Sorry, only got room for two". "Oh no", say the Chinamen, "we cannot go back down again!" "OK" says St. Peter, "See that big stone over there, if you can turn it over, you can come in". First Chinaman turns it over - no trouble. He's in. Second Chinaman struggles but manages - He's in. Third Chinaman can't shift it at all. St. Peter says, "Sorry, you are the weakest Chink - Good Bye".

Another from Rick A man was told by his doctor he only had three months to live. Obviously he was upset and asked the doc the name of the illness. We call it "Yellow 22", the doc replied. The man went home and told his mum the situation. "Well never mind love," said mum, "We'll have a game of bingo to take your mind off it." At the bingo hall he won every single line. Full house, everything all night long. The caller said, " I've never seen this happen before, you have won an awful lot of money." The man said, "Well it's going to do me no good at all because I've only got three months to live." " Oh my God ", the caller exclaimed, " What have you got." "Yellow 22, "replied the man." F*** me", said the caller, "You've won the raffle as well !!!"

TONGUE TWISTER: Ken Dodds dads dog`s dead..

A Scotsman was visiting the aquarium at Chester zoo one day when he slipped and fell in to the tank containing four man eating sharks. He managed to scramble out unhurt and it was later discovered that he was wearing a shirt that had on it "Scotland for the world cup"...Well not even the sharks could swallow that..

One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. “I don`t know what to do here”, says the Devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I`ll tell you what I`m going to do. I`ve got a few folks here who weren`t quite as bad as you, so I`ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I`ll even let you decide who leaves.” Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. “No”, Bill said “I don`t think so, I`m not a good swimmer and I don`t think I could do that all day long”. The Devil led him to the next room, in it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. “No”, said Bill “I`ve got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day” commented Bill. The Devil opened a third door, in it Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best. Clinton looked in disbelief and finally said “Yea I can handle this”. * The Devil smiled and said * “OK Monica you`re free to go”.

Have you ever wondered what an occasional table does when it`s not being a table?

Also: Does a step ladder know who it`s real parents are?

A farmer marries a beautiful young girl and after a couple of weeks he finds that he can`t keep his hands off her. So he fires his hands and buys a combined harvester..

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too." Sorry couldn`t resist that!!

A man goes into a builders merchant and orders 10,000 bricks and the assistant asks "10,000 bricks are you building a house"? "No" says the man "I`m building a barbeque" "Well" says the assistant "you wont need 10,000 bricks for that". The man says "you do if you live on the 12th floor of a block of flats"...

A man was walking along the pavement one day dragging his right foot, as he walked along he met another man coming the other way also dragging his right foot. Pointing at his foot the first man said "Falklands 1982", the second man pointing at his right foot said "dog crap 20 yards"..

Also: What about the crab who wouldn`t share his food with his mates...Well that`s what I call shellfish....ohhh!

What`s the opposite of apathy?...Who cares?

I have a HUNCH you`ll like this one Quasimodo was swinging on his bell one day when he slipped and smashed his face against the bell making him loose his grip and plummet to the stone floor beneath. A crowd of people gathered round and a voice said "does anybody know who it is?" A man came forward and said "I`m not really sure but his face rings a bell"..

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice from the lemon would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, rugby players, etc.), but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a wrestler, a weight lifter, or what?" The man replied, "No, I just work for the Inland Revenue...

Here`s one from my mate Colin: Colin was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?" Colin replied: "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts: "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said: "Who the f**k's that on the balcony with Colin?"

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked Him if this was "it." God said, "No, I am sending you back. You have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, a tummy tuck, etc. She even had her hairdresser come to the hospital to change her hair colour before she was released from the hospital. She figured that, since she had such a long life ahead of her, she had better make the most of it. She left the hospital after all the operations, and while crossing the street she was hit by an ambulance and was immediately killed. Arriving in front of God, the woman complained, "I thought you said I had another forty years left to live. What happened?" God: "I didn't recognize you."

If some of these jokes have offended (especially Musicians & Taxmen!), then don't read them again!

More jokes to come...