Horses can only breathe through their nostrils.

Fish can get seasick.

Toads don't have teeth. Frogs do.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

70% of people who lock themselves out of hotel rooms are women.

Twinkies used to be called "Twinkle Fingers"

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.

Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.

A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.

Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people!

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Polar bears are left handed.

Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive

Atila the Hun was a dwarf. Pepin the Short, Aesop, Gregory the Tours, Charles 3 of Naples, and the Pasha Hussain were all less than 3.5 feet tall.

Clinophobia is the fear of beds

Everyone's tongue print is as different as their fingerprints

The Roman emperor Commodos collected all the dwarfs, cripples, and freaks he could find in the city of Rome and had them brought to the Colosseum, where they were ordered to fight each other to the death with meat cleavers.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lighting than women!

Laugh and you'll burn up three and a half calories

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

There is a Hell, it's a town in Norway

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer".
Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

~*~Doesn't that just sound like KC?~*~

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.

A sneeze leaves your body at 40 miles per hour.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

You cannot kill yourself by holding your breath.

A Book Title: How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.

The Bible is the most shoplifted book in the United States.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

Police in Hong Kong stopped a man because he seemed to be 'oddly shaped'. He was found to be wearing 18 bras and 45 pairs of ladies' panties.

Kermit the frog has 11 points on his collar around his neck.

What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.

Love and stoplights can be cruel. ~Sesame Street

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.

Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

There are only two truly infinite things, the universe, and stupidity. And i am unsure about the universe.

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat".
It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off!

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground.
So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who made people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

You're listening to Time Of Your Life by Green Day