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Here are some jokes I've found off of the internet.
***Disclaimer***
These jokes are not meant to hurt anyone's feelings.
I did not make any of these up. They are merely for
your enjoyment. I put this here for everyone's good
humor.
Click on the section you prefer:
Flutes
What's the definition of a minor second?
How many flute players does it take to change a
lightbulb?
What key is the alto flute pitched in?
How many flute players does it take to change a light
bulb?
What's the difference between a flutist and a
seamstress?
How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
What is the range of a piccolo?
What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
How do you tune two piccolos?
How many flute players does it take to change a light
bulb?
How many flutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What do you call a good flute section?
How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players?
How do you make a flutist's eyes light up?
How long does it take to tune a flute?
How do you know a flutist is at your door?
Why do flutists rarely have to take a breath?
There was a girl in kindergarten who played the
flute. One day, she came home and said, "Mommy,
today we
practiced counting. I got all the way up to 10, but
most of the kids messed up around 6 or 7." Her mom
said, "Good, that's because you're a flutist." The
next day she came home and said,"Mommy, today we
practiced the alphabet. I got all the way to the
end, but most of the kids messed up around 's' or
't'." Her mom said, "Good, that's because you're a
flutist." The next day, she came home and said,
"Mommy, guess what, they measured us today, and I'm
the tallest person in the whole class. Is that
because I'm a flutist too?" Her mom said, "No, dear,
that's because you're 25 years old."
Band Personnel Standards:
Drum Major
Percussion
Trumpet
Tuba
Clarinet
Flute
Clarinets
Why do clarinetists place their cases on the
dashboard?
How many clarinetists does it take to change a
lightbulb?
What's the definition of a nerd?
What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
What is the difference between a clarinet and an
onion?
How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A man walked out to a meat store looking for some
brains for dinner. He looked at the selections:
How do you know when a clarinet player is at your
house?
What's the difference between a clarinet solo and
scraping your nails down the blackboard?
What do you call 20 clarinetists at the bottom of the
ocean?
How do you know when a clarinetist has died?
What do call a line set up by clarinets?
Saxophones
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor
sax?
What's the difference between a bari-sax and a chain
saw?
What do a saxophone and a baseball bat have in
common?
What is the difference between a saxophone and a
trampoline?
What's the difference between a saxophonist and a
gentleman?
There is a man on a boat that is in a shipwreck. The
boat crashes on a jungle island and the man is
greeted by natives. In the distance, he hears the
sound of drums. He asks what the drums are for and
the chief answers, "The drums must not stop." The man
is forced to stay the night in the natives' village.
All through the night, the drums keep on going, so he
got no sleep at all during the night. He got up in
the morning and went to the chief again, begging him
to know why the drums couldn't stop. The chief
answered, "Because, when drum solo stops, saxophone
solo starts."
Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone?
Contrary to popular belief the saxophones are
percussion instruments and meant to be beaten by
hammers, large hammers.
Which is the ideal place to practice a tenor
saxophone?
What is Black and Brown and looks good on a
saxophonist?
What's the difference between a saxophonist and a
lawnmower?
How many baritone sax players does it take to pop
popcorn?
Trumpets
What's the difference between a trumpet player and
the rear end of a horse?
What's the difference between trumpet players and
government bonds?
Why can't gorillas play trumpet?
In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some
solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine
through the first movement, when she had some really
hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she
started improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to
play at all.
After the concert the conductor came round looking
for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score
and it said 'tacit'-- so I took it."
How many trumpets does it take to change a light
bulb?
How do trumpet players traditionally greet each
other?
What do trumpet players use for birth control?
What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said
"I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up"?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
What do you call a lead trumpet player with half a
brain?
What's the first thing a trumpet player says at work?
How many trumpet players does it take to change a
lightbulb?
How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
What's the difference between a free jazz trumpeter
and a terrorist?
Three famous trumpet players are up in an airplane.
One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill
and make someone very happy." The one next to him
says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make
two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll
throw five 20's out the door, and make five people
happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said,
"Why don't all three of you jump, and make the whole
band very happy?"
What is the range of a trumpet player?
How many jazz trumpeters does it take to change a
light bulb?
How do you get a trumpet player to play softly?
How many trumpet players does it take to pave a
driveway?
How many second trumpets does it take to change a
light bulb?
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a
trumpet?
What's the differance between a trumpet player and
God?
How do you tell a trumpet player's knocking at your
door?
How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
What do you call a house with four trumpet players
living in it?
What do pirates and trumpet players have in common?
French Horns
Why is the French Horn called the divine instrument?
What is the difference between a french horn section
and a '57 Chevy?
What do you get when you cross a French Horn player
and a goalpost?
How many French horn players does it take to change a
lightbulb?
How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
What do you call a French Horn player that can
actually get and stay in tune?
What's the difference between playing a French horn
solo and wetting your pants?
How do you know when a horn section is outside your
door?
What's the difference between a horn player and a
director?
A priest and a horn player reach the gates of Heaven.
The horn player is admitted, while the priest is not.
"Why?" asks the bewildered priest. "When you preach,
everybody falls asleep, whereas when the horn player
is due, everybody prays."
What's the difference between a French Horn player
and a goose with a brain disease?
Why do people take an instant dislike to horn players?
Baritones/Euphoniums
What do you call a really bad trumpet player?
How do you call a Bartione player?
On the other hand,
Tubas
What's the definition of optimism?
Two tubists walk by a bar.
Did you hear about the tubist on the walk from the
law?
What's the difference between a tubist and a dead guy
that had no life, dressed in gay clothing and lived
with his parents because he was to drunk to hold down
a job?
How many sousaphone players does it take to change a
light bulb?
How many tuba players does it take to change a light
bulb?
A symphony was performing Beethoven's 9th in a concert hall. When the first movement was over, the tuba players decided to sneak out and go across the street to the pub, since they had two movements of rest. After they had been there awhile the newest player asked, "Shouldn't we go back?" The older player responded, "Naw. I tied the director's score with some string. He'll have to slow the band down 'til he gets it untied." Everyone laughed, and before long, the entire section became drunk. They staggered back to the concert hall, and met the furious gaze of their conductor. It was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.
Why did the tuba player switch to the drums?
What's the difference between a tuba player and a
pile of crap?
How do you raise the town's IQ?
What did the tuba player get on his test?
An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba
has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the
tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the
conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he
didn't play. " I have 84 bars rest," says the tubist.
To which the conductor replies, "But we are past
those 84 bars already." The tubist: "How should I
know that?" The conductor replies, "You can count,
can't you?" The tubist: "Do you call that rest?"
Trombones
What do 4 trombones sound like at the bottom of the
sea?
How do you kow if there's a trombonist at your door?
How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a
trombonist's kid?
How many trombone players does it take to change a
light bulb?
What kind of calender does a trombonist use for his
gigs?
What's the difference between a bass trombone and a
chain saw?
How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
What do you call a trombonist with a beeper?
What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
What's the best kind of trombone?
How do you save a trombonist from drowning?
How many trombonists does it take to change a
lightbulb?
How many trombones does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
What's the least used sentence in the English
language?
What do you call a trombone player in the street?
What's the difference between a frog driving a car
and a trombonist driving a car?
What does the trombonist say when he gets to his gig?
You are driving down a street and your director and a
trombone player are crossing the street in front of
you. Which one do you hit first?
Why do people play trombone?
What's so tragic about a minivan with 5 trombones in
it, running off the side of a cliff?
What's the difference between a trombonist and a
mouse?
How do you make a trombone sound better?
What's the first position a trombonist learns?
What's the difference between a trombone section and
a saxophone section?
How many trombone players does it take to pave a
driveway?
How do you make a trombone player drive faster?
Why did the trombone player cross the expressway
during rush hour?
A guy walks up to the band director and inquires
about joining the band. The director says,"Sure, you
can join the trombone section." The guy replies, "But
I don't know how to play the trombone." "Well," the
director replies "Neither does anyone in our trombone
section."
What do you say to a trombonist who is wearing a
three-piece suit?
How many trombonists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
How many lessons does it take to teach a beginner
trombone player to play a note?
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's
arm?
What do the letters pp mean to a trombone player?
How do you get a trombone player to play slower?
How do you get him to stop completely?
What's the difference between a weed-eater and a
trombone?
Percussion
How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
How many drummers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Did you hear about the bass player who locked his
keys in the car?
A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told
him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your
brain removed." So the guy went into surgery. When he
woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we
made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your
brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some
sticks?"
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20
minutes?
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a
drum.
How do you know if a drummer's platform is level?
A man died and soon after, went to Heaven. He
discovered Heaven was an endless hallway with doors
to the left and right. On the door was an I.Q.
number. He went to door 160, and found the people
there talking about quantum physics. He slammed the
door and went to door 120. He found the people there
trying to figure out as many decimal places of pi
that they could. He shut the door and went to 80. He
found the people in there talking about last night's
Packer game. He thought to himself, "I'll come back
to this one later," and shut the door. He walked all
the way down to 16, and found the people in there
talking about Sunday's episode of "King of the Hill."
He shut the door, and went to door 7. He found the
people in there drooling on each other. Lastly, he
went to door 3. He opened the door and heard one of
the people say, "My sticks were Zildjian, what
were yours?"
One day a drummer sick of all of the "stupid drummer"
jokes decided to change instruments. So he went to
the local music store and said that he wanted to
learn a new instrument. The store owner cheerfully
replied ok and asked what he would be interested in
playing. After looking around the shop he said, "I'll
try those things over there," pointing to the
accordion section.
Why are drummers always losing their watches?
What do you call a kid with a set of drums?
How do you call a drummer?
What should you call a drummer?
What would you call the smartest drummer in the
world?
What's the best protection the Secret Service could
have against a Presidential assassination?
What do you call 10 drummers sitting in a circle?
Did you ever hear about the drummer who finished high
school?
How do you know when a drummers outside your door?
What is the difference between a drumline playing
together and shoes in a dryer?
How do you get an elephant out of a 40 foot hole?
What do you call a drummer that just
broke up with his girlfriend?
How do you get a drummer to leave your house?
How many drummers can you fit in a phone booth?
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
What do you call a drummer driving a Volkswagon?
What's the difference between a drum machine and a
drummer?
Two girls are walking along when they hear..."Psst!
Down here."
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum
cleaner?
Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
Flags/Other
What do you call a color guard member with more than
one brain
cell?
Why are band directors' hearts coveted for transplants?
What's the ideal weight of a band director?
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How many flute players does it take to change a
lightbulb?
None...they get their boyfriend to do it for
them.
Two flutists playing in unison.
Only 1, but she'll break 10 bulbs before she realizes
they can't be pushed in.
G-- I really don't care, either.
Just one, but she'll have to twist it back and forth
for an hour to make sure she gets it just right.
A seamstress tucks the frills.
Shoot one.
Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.
When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit
the rim.
You shoot them both.
Five: One to change the bulb, one to pull the ladder
out from under her, and three to complain about how
much better they would have done it.
Just one - she simply holds it up and the world
revolves around her.
Impossible.
When the engines stop, the whining continues.
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Nobody knows.
The doorbell is out of tune.
They have a vast supply of air in their heads.
Band Director
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if sea is calm
Talks with God
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request if approved
Barely clears a quonset hut
loses tug-of-war with locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
Makes marks on wall when trying to clear short buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Can sometimes handle gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog-paddles
Talks to animals
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives 2 times out of 3
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
argues with self
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says, "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Loses argument with self
Is there any difference between the sound of a
clarinet and that of a cat in heat?
Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good
health.
So they can park in handicapped spaces.
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs
before he finds just the right one.
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.
No one cries when you chop a clarinet into little
pieces.
Cut the noose.
Flute Brains, $1/lb
Tuba Brains, $10/lb
Percussion Brains, $5/lb
Then he saw a sign that read:
Clarinet Brains, $100/lb
He asked the butcher why clarinet brains were so
expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know how
many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of
brains?"
They don't know where to enter and what key to use.
Vibrato.
A good start.
The concertmaster moves them back a chair
A circle
Why don't sax players like playing soprano?
There's no place to hide your drugs,
1. Lawnmowers sound better in small ensembles.
2. You can tune a lawnmower.
3. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower
and don't return it.
The exhaust.
People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
A gentleman knows how to play but doesn't.
He hated mankind but couldnīt build an atom-bomb.
A: In Saddam Hussein's bedroom.
B: Five fathoms under the surface of the Pacific
Ocean.
C: In a deserted coal mine.
D: None of the above.
Correct answer: D: None of the above. A saxophone
player never, but never practices. The risk of
learning to play is too great.
A Doberman
A lawnmower cuts grass; a sax player smokes it
Two - one to hold the popper and one to shake the
stove.
How many trumpets does it take to change a light
bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how
much better they could've done it.
I don't know either.
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Gorillas are too sensitive.
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."
Their personalities.
"But Johnny, you can't do both."
To get away from the trumpet players.
Gifted.
"Would you like fries with that?"
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate
how Louis Armstrong would have done it.
Write mp on the part.
The terrorist has sympathizers.
It depends: how strong are you, and how much do you
want to hurt him?
Never mind- they can fake the changes.
Take away his instrument.
Seven- if you slice them thin enough.
None they can't reach that high.
About three decibels.
God knows he's not a trumpet player.
The knock speeds up.
Zero. They just complain about the darkness until a
trombone player does it for them.
A crack house.
They're both murder on the high C's.
What do you do to make a trombone sound like a french
horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss all the notes.
Because man blows in but only God knows what's coming
out.
You can tune a '57 Chevy.
A goalpost that can't march.
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb
for alignment and leaks.
1."Hi. I played that last year."
2."Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
God
Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.
No one knows when to come in.
Two measures.
The goose sounds better
It saves time.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the baritone recital.
Treble clef Euphonium.
Euphonium.
Why are there so few bartione jokes?
All the other instrumentalists are too stupid to think
of any.
A man comes home drunk late one night from a bar that
has just opened. He tells his wife about how
wonderful the bar was. He claimed the bar had golden
ceilings and bar stools. He even claimed the bar's
restroom had golden bathroom fixtures and toilets.
He soon fell asleep.
Not believing him, his wife calls the bar the next
day, while her husband is asleep, to confirm his wild
tales. After a couple of rings, the bartender
answers, "Hello?"
"Does your bar have golden ceilings and bar stools?"
she asked.
"We sure do."
"What about your golden bathroom fixtures?"
"We've got those too."
"And golden toilets?"
After a brief pause, the wife heard the muffled voice
of the bartender say, "Hey Joe! I think I found the
guy that crapped in your tuba last night!"
A tuba player with an answering machine.
Hey, it could happen.
Yeah, when was the last time you saw a tuba running?
The dead guy is dead.
5, one to screw it in and four to stand around and
complain how low it is.
Five: one to hold the bulb, one to hold the lamp, and
three to drink until the room spins.
Because he couldn't read the music.
Nothing.
Shoot the tuba player.
Drool.
What did Captain Picard say when he entered a jazz
club and saw a trombonist on stage?
"Computer: End program!"
A good idea.
The doorbell drags.
He can't swing and he doesn't know how to use the
slide.
Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to
figure out what position he needs to be in.
Year-at-a-Glance
It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense
of taste.
An optimist.
On or off.
A broken one.
Take your foot off their head.
5: 1 to change it, and 4 to make ludicrous sexual
comments.
One, but he will do it too loudly.
"Look at that trombone player's Cadillac!"
A beggar.
The frog may be on his way to a gig.
"You want fries with that?"
1. Your director. Business before pleasure.
2. Who cares?
Because they can't move their fingers and read music
at the same time.
You could have fit more trombones in it.
The mouse actually gets some attention.
Run it over with a lawnmower.
Head cocked, arm above it, finger scratching scalp.
The trombones aren't meant to sound like 2 cats in a
fight, but they do.
One if you spread him really thin.
Take the pizza sign off the top of his car.
Good question.
"Will the defendant please rise?"
None, but it's the only thing they won't screw.
Two, One to learn how to put it together and the
second lesson to learn how to blow into it.
A tattoo.
1. An opportunity for an improvised solo.
2. A polite reminder that he has been playing too
loud for the past 5 minutes.
Put a page of music in front of him.
Put notes on the page.
Your neighbor will get angry if you don't return the
weed-eater.
What do you call someone who hangs around with
musicians?
A drummer.
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
None. They have machines to do that now.
He had to break a window to get the drummer out.
So they don't have to retrain the drummers.
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
The drool comes out of both sides of his mouth.
After looking through the accordions from over an
hour the shop keeper said, "Have you found what you
looking for?"
The drummer replied, "Yes, I'll take that big red one
over there."
The store keeper smiled and and stared laughing. When
the drummer asked why he was laughing the store
keeper replied, "Are you a drummer, son?"
"Yeah," replied the drummer.
"Well that big red thing is a radiator"
Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.
The poster child for Birth Control.
You can't. They don't pay their phone bill.
It doesn't matter. They won't listen anyway.
Mildly retarded.
Make a drummer the Vice-President.
A dope ring.
Me neither.
The knock gets faster.
Nothing.
Lower a drummer into the hole and gross him out.
Homeless.
Pay for the pizza.
None, "There's not enough room in there man!"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep
with your girlfriend.
Farfromthinken.
You only have to punch the information into the
drum machine once.
They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the
road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me
I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you
both rich and famous." The two girls looked at each
other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the
frog and stuffed it in her pocket.
The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"
The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking
frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any
day."
One, but only after asking "Why?"
("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff,
mechanical and uninspired.
What has 32 legs and an I.Q. of 33?
The flag corps.
Pregnant.
Because they've had little use.
28 ounces, including the urn.