A.K.A: Bald Ben, BaldSac, Melted Ben, "Dirt" (as one half of the Dirt-Goat crime fighting team with Josh Squirrel!).......and err Fat Bastard and nobhead and gaaaaeeyy - when other band members get pissed off!

Age: 17

D.O.B: 17/09/1983

Ben Uses:
Squire Strat Guitar in Nasty Sunburst colour
Fender Strat Guitar in Midnight blue
Korg AX1G Effects Pedal
Laney LC30 - II Amplifier
Marshall Channel Selector Footswitch
Ernie Ball, Rotosound and D'Addario Strings
Hot Line Black Leads
Jim Dunlop, Di Andrea and Tortex Plecs (0.78mm - 1.2mm)
Real Leather Stap and strap Locks
Old Cast Iron Microphone Stand!
Some Uni-Directional Microphone

Ok.....this is my """"biography""""......marvel at my stupidity and laugh at me not with me!

Section 1: Vaguely Sensible Down To Fairly Moronic.

Why Did You Form A Band?

To play gigs.....cos gigs are good, and so is playing your own music. And with gigs come groupies.....which is always good!

So nothing to do with an inner calling, or a life ambition then?

No.......stop talking bollocks!....(Considering I am asking myself these questions I now look quite stupid!!)

Where Would You Most Like To Play?

Anywhere where people were REALLY into us!.....I'd like to play at Hilton Park - Leigh Rugby clubs ground......cos its the biggest dump ever! And it'd be so hard for security to stop people getting in free....and that would amuse me!

What About TV Shows Like TOTP, SMTV or Live and Kicking?

~Ben is restrained seconds before administering multiple broken limbs to the interviewer~......so I will now mutilate myself.....errr....RIIIIGHT???

OK No then! So Why do You Want To Be Famous??

I didn’t say I did. I’m in a band to play music and perform live……That’s the point isn’t it? Loadsa money and stuff would be great but that’s not what its REALLY about is it? You don’t get a buzz off having loadsa money – you get a buzz when people respond to YOU and YOUR SONGS at a gig.
That’s what it’s all about.

Section 2: Downright Moronic to Mentally Unstable and Beyond.

Favourite food?

Anything alcoholic.........like beer stir-fry

Food isn’t alcoholic?

Mine is.

Favourite Animal?

Lizards or whatever those things are that change colour all the time. That’d be fair mad wouldn’t it. Going round changing colour, messing with peoples heads!

Favourite Song?

Currently I am liking I.O.U one Galaxy by the Ataris, Nothing Gold can Stay by a New Found Glory, Last Resort by Papa Roach and In the End by Linkin Park.

Favourite Room in the House?

Ooooh hard one………Kitchen = Food. Bedroom = Bed. Bedroom - Beds have more than one use, and food can be taken there so bedroom wins.

Favourite Country?

Anywhere with beer, beautiful women, running water and electricity is good enough.

Favourite Day?

The day before the morning after.

Favourite Film Quote?

“No more Drugs….for that man” (Face Off). “It’s Friday, you ain’t got no job, and you ain’t got shit to do.” (Friday)

Lifetime Broken Bone Count?

No major ones – apart from numerous fingers and nose.

What is the Meaning of Life?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Ask someone else if you want a sensible answer.

Why is the sky blue?

If it were green it wouldn’t match the sea. And if you were in a huge field it'd be so weird if everything you could see was green - unless there were sunflowers or cows in the field and then it’d be OK.

Why do Flammable and Inflammable Mean the same thing?

Do they? Oh. So using “Inflammable” Liquid to put out a fire is wrong. I guess its because some guy who made them up wanted to laugh his arse off while watching other people try and figure out why.

What one thing would you save if your house were on fire?

Nothing I wouldn’t wake up – I would be burnt alive in my bed, only to be found smouldering in the morning by some random fireman.

Can you recite any poetry?

“Mary had a little lamb, it’s fleece was black as pitch.
She chased it round a field, and threw it in a ditch.”

Can you speak any foreign languages?

No, foreign people can speak English.

Have you ever been arrested?

No, but through no fault of my own.......No disrespect....but they ALWAYS can!!!

What annoys you?

Having to cook food before you eat it, because it either tastes of crap or poisons you otherwise. SUCH A LOAD OF HASSLE!!!!

What scares you?

Boyzone/Westlife/Spice Girls/other crapfest groups getting chart placings. This means people actually buy their records. That scares me. A lot. Sometimes it pops into my head at night and I can’t sleep.

What was the last mad/funny thing you saw?

A kind of Mosh-Pit at the Royal Albert Hall at the Proms. Many old people and other silly fools getting crushed was amusing. The fact that the organisers thought that taking the seats out, and cramming loads of people in would be appreciated by the upper class clowns who go, was positively hilarious.

What’s the best/funniest thing anyone ever said to you?

“Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go to Holland!” And then what happened was………another story entirely!

Whats the most appropriate thing anyone has ever said to you?

"You've never been sensible in your life."

Name a stupid thing you have done?

Climbing on my mates house roof at 1 O’clock in the morning and throwing things through his bedroom window when drunk was rather stupid. Obviously at the time I thought it was clever, had I fallen 20 feet onto a concrete patio I might not have.

How do you know when things have gone too far?

Things have gone to far when:

A) You are lying in a prison cell.
B) You see enough blood on the floor in front of you to fill a bath.
C) You can’t physically move out of the way of the oncoming lorry.
D) For some reason you can’t see, or feel your legs.
E) For some reason you can see and feel that you have 12 fingers on each hand.
F) You can’t breathe and it’s dark. (The novelty of being buried alive soon wears off!)
G) You wake up in a different country than you passed out in.
H) You wake up next to your mates mum.
I) You don’t know what month it is.
J) There’s 10 of them and 1 of you, your in a dead end street, and they’re not smiling.
K) You fall down stairs and tear your knee ligaments………and laugh.
L) The police arrive at your house and notice there is no glass in the windows.
M) She stops screaming………but also breathing and moving.
N) Your parents arrive home early and find a cow surrounded by inebriated, comatose bodies in the lounge and sheep in their bedroom.
O) You are wandering around dressed in an African Tribal War Mask and a Grass Skirt, at 3 O’clock in the Morning, on the M6 with a hamster on a lead, with the police watching……and you think your flying around on a unicorn.
P) You find yourself tied to a large tree, armed with a water pistol locked in a cage with some very hungry tigers, who are just about to wake up for their breakfast.
Q) Your mate picks up a gun, laughs wildly, and shoots you in the head.
R) You pick up an axe, laugh wildly, and hack at your legs with it.

That’ll do - you get the picture! There are many signs of “going to far!!”

So that brings to an end - for now - the rantings of "the guitarist."
Anyone with questions of their own,(within reason) that they would like answering, either leave them in the guestbook or email to:

ben_leighton@hotmail.com or MeltedBen@aol.com

Do you realise that you have just wasted a few minutes of your life reading some of the crap that I talk on a daily basis!!