The atmosphere in the small hospital room was tense. The guys had come over to visit Nick before they would leave the next morning to go back to Florida. Nick seemed very sullen.
"Why cant I go with you guys?" He asked in a whiny voice, reminding Kevin of when he was just a small boy back in the early years and when he wanted to go clubbing with the rest off them.
"Itīs not our decision Nick and you know it," Howie said from his side of the room.
"Yeah but why? After all, Doctor Finnley says that Iīm doing so much better and he has taken me off the dialysis." He stopped himself for a moment before adding, "After all Iīm perfectly well now."
"That is not what the doctor said," Kevin filled in.
"Oh and what did he say then?" Nick felt annoyed.
"He said that you needed rest and then.." Kevin was cut short.
"Rest? Well, if that is all I can rest on the plane when I get home and..." Suddenly he changed his whiny tone to get even more whinier, "Please Kev..canīt you talk with them. So I can go home with you guys..please. I miss my family so much."
There was a pleading in his friend's blue eyes that Kevin had a hard time dealing with. He knew how much Nick wanted to go back to Tampa yet he also knew that his little brother had really been through the wringer and the doctor had said that they were very reluctant to let him go home. Still he didnīt have the nerve to tell Nick this and instead nodded, "Sure, Iīll see what I can do."
"Thanks broī." A light lit in his friend's eyes. A light that they had seldom seen there before.
Brian had been quiet the whole time, not looking at any of them and AJ was checking out the channels on the TV. "This is all a bunch of crap," he muttered when he had zipped through all of them. "Nothing to watch except for soaps."
Just when Nick was about to answer something back the door opened and an orderly came in with a tray of food. "Hello there Nick, Iīm here with your lunch." The smell of fried food wafted through the room, making Nick feel a bit nauseous.
"Swell," he muttered as the tray was placed in front of him and when the orderly raised the lid the plate revealed a full portion of meatballs and potatoes and gravy. And there was also a desert with cream and pecan pie. Nick looked at it with disgust. "I donīt want any. You can take it away."
The rest of the guys looked at him but it was the orderly that was there to make a response, " You need to eat to gain back your strength. Doctors orders."
Nick glared with a sullen _expression at the black man, "I AM better already thank you..and I think that Iīm perfect capable of deciding if I should eat or not." His tone was icy.
"Iīm sure you can." The orderly smiled back. "But this is doctors orders. He has specifically given an order that you need to eat so you don't get malnourished again."
Nick glared at him. What was he saying? malnourished? him? What a joke. Ok he wasnīt as fat as he had used to be, especially not since the fluid he had retained in his body had lessened and he had been peeing like a racehorse for the past few days. But still he wasnīt exactly slim and even if he deep inside knew that he needed to eat there was still that battle inside his head. The demons that were telling him that he was fat and that he needed to loose weight. Otherwise he wouldnīt be accepted.
Wouldnīt be perfect.
"Youīre not gonna eat those?" AJ asked, startling him in the process.
"Uh what?" Nick jerked back. Looking at his friend pointing at the untouched meatballs on his plate, he scrunched up his nose, "No thanks..Iīm not hungry."
"Nick you need to eat. You hear what the orderly said. Itīs doctors orders," Howie filled in.
"No, I said I wasnīt hungry.." He muttered, pushing his plate away further on the tray. Looking up at Jay he commented, "You can have them Bone..If you want."
"You sure Kaos?" The younger man looked hesitantly at the fork before sticking it in one of the meatballs. "I mean they look good."
Nick nodded, feeling a bit annoyed, "Yeah Iīm sure..you go ahead. I said I wasnīt hungry."
Nobody said anything while AJ wolfed down the portion. Both Kevin and Howie looked at their friend's bad table manners in disgust, all but Brian who still hadnīt said a word. The Kentuckian had been very silent through the whole visit. This was not the way he usually acted so something had to be on his mind, yet no one asked.
Once AJ was finished with the plate he turned his attention to the dessert, "But youīre gonna eat that, ainīt you?"
Nick shook his head, turning away his gaze. "Nah itīs yours too. Take it"
The last sentence started a reaction inside his brother as AJ suddenly burst out, "What? You donīt want Pecan pie? But man itīs one of your favorites. You use to scarf it down like a.." He stopped himself when both Kevin and Howie gave him a hard look. "Eh..uh..eh really Kaos I.." He shut his mouth when it dawned upon him that he had already been talking too much. Taking a piece of the pecan pie he swallowed it down quickly, "Man dude..this is good. Sure you donīt wanna have a taste?" With that he wafted towards Nick's face. getting the teen to cover his mouth with his hand.
"Jay canīt you see that he doesnīt want anything?" Brian sneered from the corner of the room where he was more or less hiding. "Leave him alone."
AJ glared at his brother who looked as pissed as he had swallowed a grape. "And who died and made you the boss?"
To say that the tension was tight would be an understatement and it didnīt exactly improve with the cat fight that was about to happen
Howie did his best to try and change the subject, as always, "Did your parents call today?" Noticing the sad _expression on his friend's face he could have bit his tongue for saying those words.
"No." The answer was short.
"Oh..Ok."
Nothing more was said for a while. AJ ate the pie, Nick watched in disgust and Kevin and Howie were very busy looking through some music magazines that they had bought for their friend. Brian just sat in silence.
"Nick," he suddenly said, "Why did you do it?" The tone was calm.
All their heads snapped up at the sound of their friend talking. Howie's eyes darted nervously like he was afraid what Brian would say next.
"What do you mean by "Why did you do it." Nick sounded annoyed. "I didn't do anything. I got sick. Thatīs all."
"Why did you eat those diet pills? Why did you make yourself throw up? Why?" There was accusation in the younger man's voice, but also sadness.
Nick moved restlessly in bed. He didnīt know what to say and instead he looked down, fidgeting with the blanket that covered him up "Uh..I didnīt..I.." He got interrupted from Brian who wasnīt so calm any longer
"YES!!! YOU DID!!! You took those pills without telling us. You used laxatives and you ate and puked and ate and puked. BUT WHY???" His friend was shouting now.
Nick felt himself blush. This was a very uncomfortable situation. Couldnīt they see that he didnīt want to talk about it. Closing his eyes he muttered, "I donīt wanna talk. Iīm tired."
Howie, who disliked conflicts was the one to call out to Brian, "Whatīs gotten into you? Canīt you see that Nick is tired and needs to rest and..."
"NO!" Brian was very agitated. "We need to talk about this NOW! It has been going on much too long without anyone of us reacting. God if we had maybe you wouldnīt have been here today..."
Kevin was there with a calming hand on his arm. "Brian, take it easy..calm down. Itīs not your fault..you donīt have to feel guilty about anything." Brian shrugged his hand away.
"Yes, I do..we all do. After all Nick is our friend, our brother and he has been feeling like shit all the time and we have done nothing to make it any better." There were tears in Brian's eyes as he spoke.
Opening his own eyes Nick felt an urge to stop his friend from crying, "Hush Bri..itīs not that bad..besides Kev is right. It wasnīt your fault. I took those pills, I took the laxatives. Not you."
"Yeah Kaos but why did you do it? Why did you take all that crap..take that shit. Why did you let Lou and Johnny get to you?" This time it was AJ who was questioning his actions.
Why were they doing this to him? Questioning him? Being against him. What had he done that had been so wrong? Nick wanted to cry instead he bit his lip. He wasnīt a baby.
They all stared at him, waiting for an answer.
"Because...because I am fat and I needed to loose weight and when I couldnīt do it I tried to use other stuff to do it."
"Yeah like overeating and throwing up? Is that loosing weight?" Howie questioned suddenly, surprising them all.
"I do..donīt know." Nick whispered. He didnīt know what to say. It was all such a mess and he wished he had never gotten in to all of this to start with. When none of the guys accepted his "I donīt know" answer he started to tell them how he was feeling. That he always felt like a klutz that couldnīt do anything right. That he wasnīt looking as cute as he used to be and he told them about the threats that Lou had made to him. That he would have to leave the band if he didnīt do anything about his weight.
The more he told them the closer he came to crying and soon his tears rolled over his cheeks. But he wasnīt alone to cry. The rest of the guys were showing their emotions too, if not crying they sat very still. Listening. And every once in a while a "Oh Nick," could be heard through out the room.
After spilling his guts over the threats he continued to tell about the health drink and how he had started taking those pills so that he would loose the weight faster. He told them about what a loser he felt like all the time and how much it hurt when they said the bad fat comments to him.
A gasp was heard in the room and AJ was the first one to burst out, "Sorry bud."
Brian had moved from his side of the room and was now sitting beside Nick on his bed, holding a shaking and crying teen that continued to reveal his secrets like he was turning a dirty old sock inside and out.
Once he was finsihed he was totally exhausted. It had taken every ounce of strength out of him but at the same time he felt good. The burden was finally lessened and now he didnīt have to have any secrets from his friends any longer. Just when he thought he was done telling them about his demons he was constantly battling, Brian asked his question again "But why, why were you doing all of this?"
Nick didnīt think he believed his ears. Here he had been telling everything and they still hadnīt gripped what he was talking about and now they were all looking expectantly for him to answer.
Closing his eyes he took a deep breath before saying the words that had been on his mind for a longer time then he could ever remember; "I didnīt think you guys would like me for who I was. Iīm such a failure. I screw everything up and all I wanted was to be perfect so that you could be proud of me. "
The silence that followed in the room was deafening and all of the men looked at each other and then at the pale, crying figure that was their friend, sitting on the bed. Kevin was the first one to open his mouth, "But donīt you know Nick that you are that already. You are our little brother and we love you for what you are."
"Yeah even when youīre bugging the hell out of us," AJ added with a grin.
For the first time in so many months Nick looked up through his bangs. He looked at everyone of the men that had surrounded his bed and then he said in a sincere tone, "Do you guys know that you are the best that I have. That I love each and everyone of you?"
"Yes, we do Kaos," laughed Brian ruffling his hair in the way that only his friend could do. "Yes, we do and guess what?" He grinned, "We love you too and youīre our little bro!" With that he got the biggest hugs that he had ever felt in his life and for the first time in so many months he knew that it was true.
That he wasnīt a failure. That he didnīt have to be perfect. That no matter what happened between them they would always be his friends.
But most important of all; They would always be brothers.
