He felt like a sheep, ready to be ripped apart by hungry wolves. Piece by piece until there was nothing left. Just as helpless and useless. Just like a victim.
Shivering violently, despite the warm water that rinsed over him, Nick dreaded to leave the bathroom. It was his shelter, away from the yelling that he knew awaited him the moment that he set his foot outside the room. They, the guys, would yell to him that he was useless and that he couldnīt do anything right. They would say that he had pulled a dangerous stunt and that he should be happy that he didnīt get hurt in the process.
They would be angry at him. He knew it. It was his gut feeling. They would be mad at him just like Lou had been and Manda, yes even his mother. They all hated him. Thought he was nothing but a looser. One BIG looser.
He had been so scared when he had walked the streets in Warsawa, certain that he would never see his friends again. Never in his dreams had he thought that they would leave him all alone in an empty bus. That they had forgotten him like he was some kind of object. This, if anything, hurt more than he could ever imagine. The feeling of being unwanted. Unloved.
His thoughts were rudely interrupted by a sharp knock on the door. "Nick are you ok in there?" It was Brian that came to see how he was doing.
'So now you care?' he thought angrily. 'Where were you when I got dumped in the bus?' At first he ignored in answering but this resulted in Brian knocking even harder. Persistant. "Niiickkk, come onnn!"
"Leave me alooone!" he snapped back, hoping that Brian would have the sense to leave. Or was this what he really wanted? To be left alone? He wasnīt so sure anymore.
To his relief Brian was just as stubborn as he was and didnīt listen at all. "You done soon?" he yelled.
Nick wanted to scream NOOOO, but instead he could hear himself saying "Yeah in a bit. Just go!" His voice sounded weak and pitiful and he was close to banging his head against the tiled wall. When had he became this patethic?
After a brief silence Nick did his best to strain his ears to hear what was going on outside. He could make out Brian talking to someone in the background. Waiting with his breath down his throat he waited to see if Brian would take his words seriously and leave. Just when he thought that Brian had done it, left him, he heard his voice again.
"Are you hungry?"
If he was hungry? Were they joking with him or what? After spending the night with only one candy bar for breakfast he was starving. Starving down to his bones. To make a note of this, his stomach decided to growl loudly and in that moment he would have given anything to get something in his mouth. The tastebuds watered when his thoughts drifted off towards setting his teeth into a piece of steak or chicken. Anything would be good enough. Even that nasty health crap that Howie used to eat, sea weed. He didnīt care if it looked, smell and probably tasted like a a spitup furrball. This was how desperate he was. Yet he couldnīt get himself to eat anything.
A little devil was sitting on his shoulder, yelling into his ear that he was way too fat and if he ate anything more he would start to look gross. Swelled up like a balloon ready to pop. The devil was yelling to him that he didnīt need to eat anything since he was taking diet pills and it was all that he needed. He could live on them. It was either that or taking the laxative soloution, it was just up to him to decide.
Nick felt ripped apart. His stomach was telling him that he was hungry and wanted to be fed, while his mind said that he didnt need to eat anything. It was making him crazy.
"Sooo what is it going to be? Food or not?" This time it was Kevin who took charge, interrupting his painful thoughts. Nick wanted to yell. To tell how bad he hurt. Either that or cry. Which ever came first.
"I donīt want anything."
The devil had won again. His stomach made a loud growl in protest, folding over in the bathtub he mumbled, "Ohhhh shut up,will ya." Shaking his head he was close to crying. 'Great,' he thought desperately, 'look at me now I am talking to my stomach too. Iīm getting crazy!' Looking down at his body he suddenly became violently ill and had to swallow hard from not heaving into the tub. All he saw was fat, greasy fat that jiggled when he moved. It made his stomach turn. He had to look away as he mentally noted that he had done the right thing in not to eat anything.
There was another knock on the door. This time louder and more persistant. God, couldnīt they leave him alone. Alone to dwell in his own misery.
"Nick?" Kevin again. Are you sure that you donīt want anything? We are going downstairs to eat."
"Nooo I said I wasnīt hungry didnīt I?" He was yelling so loud that his head and ears hurt. It was like he was trying his best to outvoice the growling in his stomach. Shivering, he awaited a response and true to his words it came.
"You sure? Are you alright?"
Upon hearing the concern Kevin uttered he felt bad for yelling at them. But then after all it was their fault that he was put in a mess like this, wasnīt it? If they hadnīt left him he wouldnīt have got lost and then he wouldnīt have to feel this bad either. Stubbornly he ignored his friends attempts to see how he was doing. Holding his hands to his ears he did his best to block out all noises. But he only succeded to bring more tears to his eyes.
Disgusted with himself Nick mentally slapped himself. 'Look at you whimp. Youīre crying just like a baby. Lou is right you canīt hatch it in this business.' It was making him ill.
"Come on, you're gonna freeze to death." 'Like you would care,'Nick thought darkly when he heard Howie's voice on the other side of the door. They were all concerned for him but he didnīt give a shit. He wasnīt the one that had left them, they left him!
"Weīre going away for a moment to eat. You sure that you donīt want anything?"
"NOOOO!!!"
The knocking and his friends calling out for him continued for a while until it became silent. It was then Nick saw his chance to leave his shelter. Grabbing a white towel he got out of the bath, wrapping himself up just like a mummy. Chills wracked his body since all attempts to get some warmth into his shivering body had failed. His teeth chattered something fierceful and looking into the mirror a ghostly pale, face stared back at him making him look like a zombie. "I..I..lo..lool li..like shi..shit!" he shivered. Stucking out the tongue to his reflection, he grabbed a pair of boxers intended to go out to meet his own destiny. The guys!
The moment he opened the door he expected to be attacked, but to his surprise he found the room to be empty and dark. A sigh of disappointment washed over him and he felt once more close to tears. They had left him again!
Didnīt he mean more to them than this?
It was cold in the room and even if it was midday Nick felt all exhausted. Barefoot he paddled over to the bed and sank down, deafeated. Shivering he wrapped the bedspread around him, intending to get some warmth before he would die from hypothermia. Sulking he thought over his situation. He knew they had a show that night so he better shape up his act.
Slowly some heat started to work itīs way into his body and he felt pretty good and safe. If only one of the guys had bothered to be with him. Sighing deeply he thought back at the previous night. Shuddering. It had to be one of his worst nights in his life. Never had he felt more alone and left out. So vanurable.
His eyelids were getting heavier for each minute and soon he found himself being unable to hold his eyes open. Laying down on the bed he thought that he would just get a quick shut eye and then he would feel better. As a shiver ran down his spine he wrapped himself tighter into the bed linens. His limbs ached and even tough he was too tired to move, his stomach made it impossible for him to fall asleep. He was way too hungry.
Holding his arms around his stomach he did his best to try to squell the hungerspells. This didnīt work and with a groan Nick sat up in bed. He needed to stiffen that hunger with water and some dietpills. With that in mind he paddled up in search for his jeans since he knew he had stuffed the bottle in his front pocket. When he couldnt detect the clothing he became desperate. What if anyone of the guys had found his bottle? His little secret?
Heat washed over him, not from temperature but more from fright and he started to frantically search for his pants. "God where did Kevin put them?" he yelled as he tore the room upside an down in search for the bottle. Close to tears he realized that it was futile and sank down on the bed like a sack of potatoes. Sobbing.
Life had fucked with him again.
Nick dreamed.
He was with the guys and they were having a concert. He was joking around with his friends and they laughed together. The fans screamed for him and he felt both special and loved. Suddenly the scene changed and he was all alone. He was in a dark alley and he called out for the guys, but no one heard him. Fright ran over him and when he was fighting to wake up he found himself sitting in a large dining room. Alone.
The large table was stacked with food and deserts and when he looked down on the plate in front of him he found that it was filled to the brim with all kinds of delicious treats. Just when he was about to stick his fork into the meat dripping with fat, a dark voice boomed behind him. Turning his head he was met with his manager's cold eyes.
"Sooo the fat teeny bopper is stuffing himself full." There was venom dripping in the manager's tone.
Not answering Nick said, "Where are the guys? Where is everyone?"
"They left." The answer was short.
"Left? No they canīt have!" Desperation was creeping up on him. Not wanting to be alone.
"Do you really think that they like a fat slob like you? A whiny fatso with a pot belly?" Lou started to laugh. "Look at yourself, you are so ugly that no one even wants to sit at your table. You canīt do anything right."
"Nooo that cant be true. They wouldnīt leave me. Never!"
"Oh grow up." Lou suddenly stopped laughing. "Do you honestly think that ANYONE cares for someone that looks like THAT!" he stuck his finger into the teen's belly so the fat jiggled just like a pudding.
"Manda and the fans like me."
"Manda doesn't give a shit about you," another voice was heard from the background. Looking over at his side he saw the guys stadning there, pointing fingers and laughing at him. " All Manda wants is your money." AJ grinned his eyes glowing with evil.
"That isnīt true!" Nick yelled, holding his hands infront of his ears not wanting to hear anything more. Tears rolled down his cheeks when he saw how his so called friends acted.
"Not even the fans like you. They want slim and well trimmed young guys and you are neither." This time it was Howie's turn to be nasty to him.
Nick felt panic dwelled up inside him. He couldnīt stand it anymore. "Stop it," he yelled. "Stop it!"
The face of Kevin's came into a view. "Besides do you think that anyone would care for someone that is as selfish and rotten as you are Nick?" He laughed loudly and then added, "Look at your self you are so fat that you canīt wear anything. Look at his belly"
Startled over the comment Nick looked down at his stomach and made a loud gasp. 'Oh noo this can't be happening,' he thought desperatly as he tried to cover his swelling belly with the table cloth. He was becoming bigger each minute, swollen like a big balloon. Fixing to explode. The guys laughed at him. Nick wanted to cry. This wasnīt funny at all.
"Whatīs the matter with me?" he cried. "What is happening? Why donīt you like me?" This was the culprit and he started to cry freely.
Brian stepped forward. "You are fat and ugly, youīre a wuss. How do you expect people to like you when you donīt even like yourself?" How could Brian, his best friend ever, say something like that to him? words hurt more than a knife wound in Nick's back, leaving him with a feeling of being backstabbed.
"Why are you saying this to me? What did I ever do to you? I thought you were my friends." Nick knew that he was whiny but he couldnīt help it. Tears as well as emotions dwelled up.
"Beacuse you are using this kind of shit!" Brian spat, holding up the small bottle of diet pills. "This," he continued through closed teeth, "this is something that only loosers do and we donīt like loosers, do we?" He turned to the rest of the guys with a grin and they grinned back.
"No we donīt. We donīt like loosers and you Carter are one!" Like if that wasnīt enough the air was suddenly filled with voices coming from all directions. They all yelled loudly; "LOOOOSEEERRR!!!"
Nick was fighting desperatly to wake up but the loud voices were screaming in his ears. He was trapped in the nightmare. "Noooo, Noooo," he yelled trashing with his head back and forth. "Iīm not a looser, Nooo." His arms flared widely and he was soaking wet from sweat. It was in this position the guys found their little brother moments later...
