Nick flushed the toilet. Heīd been having one of his "morning fits", that what he was calling them now, and they had been as bad as ever. His stomach hurt so much and it didnīt exactly add to the situation that a migraine was on itīs way too. Not a great way to start the day. He had just arrived at the Hilton hotel and was waiting for Kevin and Krystal to fly in on a later flight. It had been a busy morning and since he had barely slept an eye the night before he was now dead on his feet. It didnīt improve anything that he had to catch an early flight over to LA since all the other flights were already booked.
Looking in the mirror he saw a pale face with red stricken eyes stare back at him. Not a pretty sight. 'So this is what a cancer patient looks like,' he thought as he studied his unhealthy appearance. Kevin would probably think that he was on a drinking binge, since he gave the impression of being severely hungover. Running a hand through his chopped hair he tried to get some reason into it. As soon as Kev and Krystal would arrive they had some interviews and promotional stuff to do. For the first time in his life he really hoped that they took their time, since rest was high on his priority list right now.
As soon as he was in the bedroom he lay down on the king size bed. Glancing around in the room he noticed that he was living it up like royalty. He just wished that he had some strength to enjoy it and wasnīt feeling like something the cat had dragged in. Deep inside he scolded himself for not doing the tests yesterday, then he wouldnīt be in such pain. All he had done was to push the inevitable further away and now he was living in a land of not knowing what to do. That sucked. Badly.
He most have dozed off since the next time he woke up there was a knock from the door. 'Shit, what is the time?' he thought as he rolled on his side. 1:15 pm. This could only mean that his "brother" and Krystal was here. With a sigh Nick sat up, just to be hit with an dizzy spell. The migraine was working on overdrive and he was feeling like hell. Steadying himself against the wall he managed to get to the door without collapsing on the spot. Squinting against the light he opened the door slowly.
"Hey man!" Kevin gave him a warm hug and all Nick did was respond with a nod, before letting his friend inside. Krystal was no where in sight and Nick was actually happy that it was the case. She had a sixth sense and she would instantly know that something was wrong with him.
"Hey," Nick muttered as he made his way back to the bed again.
Kevin frowned. It was not like Nick not to return the hug and that had him feeling genuinely concerned, " Youīre sick?"
Nick lay down on the bed, arm covering his eyes. "A migraine," he mumbled weakly, before he rolled to his side.
Kevin looked worried, " Oh no!" It was the first time since they had met each other after the arrest. They had talked regulary and Nick knew that Kevin was feeling protective when it came to his life. During the years on the road Nick had always turned to Kevin when there were something wrong and he had more and more became like a father figure or like an older brother. He really loved the guys and wouldn't bare to stand leaving them, or see them suffer.
" Yeah it sucks," Nick smiled paley, " You know me who always catch some bug when it comes to something important."
Kevin nodded. He sat down on the bed next to Nick, "Yup, you GET everything," he smiled, the smile didnīt reach his eyes.
" Nick are you sure that itīs just a migraine? Brian said to me that you were sick the whole Christmas and that he was concerned over you."
" Yeah man, migraine is all there is." Nick was perking up. Kevin had his own worries beside there might be nothing to be concerned about anyway. He had heard from the fellows that Kevin was having marriage trouble. He couldnīt stay out of the strip bars and Kristin was having an fit over this. Kev had his own ghosts that he had to battle. They all did.
"Are you sure that youīre up to the award tonight then and the promotional work?"
"Yes, always ready and raring to go." Nick tried to make his voice sound less weak. "Iīll just take some pills and then I am as good as new again," he smiled, not wanting to cause Kevin to worry anything more than necessary.
"Ok, then we better get going." Kevin was silent and Nick knew that he was searching for words. They needed to talk to each other, yet Nick had no energy for such a task. He knew as the night passed on Kevin would come up to him and ask him what was bugging him. And when it came Nick sincerely hoped that he had enough courage to tell what was on his mind. For now he would let it rest.
People. Sounds. Lights. Everywhere.
Nick was in misery. The migraine wasnīt any better, in fact it was steadily getting worse. No doubt due to the last days tension that he had been under as well as the nervousness he always felt before an award. He wore a pair of glasses so the light wouldnīt hurt his eyes anymore than neccessary. People would probably think that he was hiding something. Like drugs or too much drinking. He had seen Kevin looking at him during the day, when he had been so blinded with pain that he just wanted to scream out. Kev said nothing, yet Nick had seen it in his eyes. The older brother thought that he was on something. And it wasnīt migraine medication.
Silently he wondered if you could get high from those cancer drugs. Then it might be worth all the pain. All he wanted was to feel numb for a while. His mind was all the time going towards that direction and it was like he was preparing for the news. If he already thought the worst, it wouldnīt hurt so much if the worst came true. Would it?
In the distance he listened to the people talking around him. He was so tired and had that stupid smile plastered on him all the time. The PR smile!!! Smile and the whole world smiles with you, Nick thought sarcastically as he had answered yet another reporter that everything was just peachy. Yeah as peachy as it can get when you have been hanging most of the day down at the restroom, with your head stuck in the toilet. He had blamed it on nerves, both to himself as well as to the people around him. No one had questioned him, mainly beacuse they knew what an pressure Nick was on.
"Hey Kaos, you there?" Kevin was waving a hand in front of him and Nick jerked. It had been a long time since he heard that nickname being mentioned. " Itīs time to go and announce the winner," Kevin continue as he took on his black blazer. Nick nodded. He swallowed hard as he followed Krystal and Kevin to go out to the crowds. Award cermonies like this always made his heart beat even faster. It was worse in the old days when he was constantly nervous being in crowds. Maybe because he would always stumble or say something stupid.
There were cheers as they entered the scene and Krystal started to sing. 'Oh Brother,' Nick thought, but said nothing. That was so like Krystal. Being spontanous. It felt like they were on stage for hours when it only took minutes. Nick imagined that all of the celebrities were staring at him, at his fat. Thinking that he looked like hell. Finally they were down and not a minute too late.
" Are you ok?" Kevin asked as soon as they had come backstage again.
Nick nodded, " Pretty much. This headache is beating the shit out of me."
"Itīs not any better?" his band brother frowned.
"Donīt worry. Iīm probably a bit stressed out, ya know. About the whole arrest thing and.."
Kevin interrupted him, "Yeah man, how are you doing with that? What are the lawyers saying?"
" They are pleading for community service and I have to do some stuff. It looks like the charges will be dropped, at least they are working on that." Nick smiled, trying to get Kevin to believe that everything was just dandy.
" Sounds great..hey I was talking with the guys and we are soon going into the studio. Hope that youīre up for it, man."
Me too, Nick thought silently, yet he kept his posture, saying, "Sure. That will be great. Heard that Bone had some ideas that he wanted to discuss."
" Yup, as a matter of fact we are having an meeting next week where we discuss some details about the album. Bri and AJ have also something that they want to discuss. Youīre coming ainīt you?"
" Yeah sure." Nick said lightly, ' If I am alive by then,' there were dark thoughts crossing his mind and he tried to shrug them away. No need to take out bad news before they happend.
" Great, weīre meeting at B and Leighs house here in LA so you better schedule next week off. They are talking about an barbecue party too." Kevin smiled widely.
Nick shrugged. "Ok, well Iīll be there then." He was surprised that he hadnīt heard these news from Brian. It was not like his friend to hide something from him. Their relationship hadnīt been the best, ever since Brian had left so hastily at Christmas time. Nick also knew that B'rok was pretty upset at him for getting arrested, even if he had pretended like it didnīt matter. Brian had also so much with Leigh who he claimed was still not feeling well. Infact this was one of the main reasons why he wasnīt at the awards show.
" Hey, we better go to our seats before this thing is over," Kevin patted Nick slightly on the shoulder.
" Yeah man. You go ahead and take those seats. Iīm just heading for the can."
Kevins face darkened with concern, " You ok?"
" Ok," there were some relief in Kevins voice. What did he think that he was going to do? Snort coke? Nick couldnīt shake the feeling that Kevin was watching him all the time. He felt like someone that was about to get caught with their hands in the cookie jar.
" Now go before Krystal will have a fit," Nick made an fake laugh, ushering him away with his hand. " Go."
" All right," Kevin started to walk, then he turned around, " Hey Nick?"
" Yeah?"
" You know... you can always talk to me if there is something that is bothering you, You know that donīt you?"
Nick couldnīt help but smile. Suddenly all people were so concerned over his well being, now when he was in no mood at all to talk to anyone. " Ok, sure..now GO!" With that Kevin was out of the sight and Nick breathed an sigh of relief.. Finally he could bend down since his stomach was killing him and he felt like he was about to pass out at any second. This was not good and he knew what he had to do.
Pulling out his wallet he picked up a torn paper. There were an number on it and he pressed the figures with shaking hands. There were several rings before a woman answered.
"St Mary's Hosiptal, Oncology ward."
Nick drew a deep breath before he said with an empty tone, "My name is Nick Carter, I want to book an appointment for some tests..."
