It was a humid and sunny morning in Tampa, Florida, but Nick didnīt pay any attention to this since he was walking toward his own doom. It was the first day of his radiation treatment and he felt all jittery and nervous. It had been 2 days since he had gotten his death sentence; and he had dealt with it in the worst possible way by getting drunk. Drunk out off his ass.
He hadnīt called any of the guys or his family to tell them the news. They had enough trouble on their own and he didnīt need to add more problems to that. He was use to taking care of his own business. Ever since he moved out from his family at age 19, he was used to standing on his own feet. Besides what could they do if they knew? Not very much. His life was left in the hands of fate. But one thing was sure - he intended to battle this disease and he would win!
Putting on a cap and dark sunglasses, he hurried towards the elevator and press the button to his floor. As the car came he noticed that it was filled with people and Nick instantly regretted his choice of transportation. Not that he was claustrophobic. No, he was more likely afraid that he would get noticed. The press was the last that he wanted to know about this nuisance. Nick stood as far away as he could from the crowd, trying to act like he was cool and nothing was wrong. As the car reached his level he thought about an escape. In his mind he had repeated it over and over again, 'No Nick, this can't be happening. Itīs just a dream.' But now he was standing here and it was far from an dream. It was reality.
When the elevator bell rang as the door opened to his level, he hesitated a second before going outside. It felt like they were all staring at him since it was pretty obvious what he was there for. After all this was the oncology section and that could only mean one thing - Cancer! As he stepped outside he heard one small girl uttering to her mother, "Is this where people that are very sick is? You know before they die?" The girls mother hushed her daughter down, but the words were burnt into his mind. Was this the end?
Nick tried to sharpen his posture as he walked towards the frosted glass doors. With shaky hands he rang the door bell, waiting for someone to come and opened up. He had to stealth himself so that he wouldnīt turn around and run away from the whole situation. Escaping was part of his life and that was something he had done in so many ways. So many years. This time he was determinded to go through with it all. Escape was not an option.
The handle was pulled down and a woman, dressed in a white coat opened the door. "Yes?" she said as Nick coughed, trying to clear his voice.
"I..I..have an appointment..hrm..radiation." Nick wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans.
The woman smiled friendly. "You are welcome to come in," letting him inside. The moment Nick stepped into the waiting room he felt his throat constrict, feeling like he couldnīt breathe. The nurse noticed this and she grabbed his arm, gently, "Your name is?"
"Carter...Nickolas Carter." Nick swallowed hard, closing his eyes momentarily. Scanning the room he notice that it didnīt look too formal. There were a group of sofas beside the window and then there was a nurses station in the middle of the room. Green plants were softening up the room. So this was going to be his home for the upcoming months?
"Very well Mr. Carter, you can sit down here and wait," she motioned towards the sofas. "Dr. Andersen will see you in a moment." With that she picked up his journals, walking down the hallway she stopped infront of a white door, placing it in the mail rack outside a white door.
He felt like he was on autopilot as he moved over to sit down on the blue sofa. Everything felt surreal.
How could he Nick Carter be here in a waiting room?
Getting radiation treatment?
For Cancer?
It was like an nightmare. An nightmare that he had no one to share with. Coughing nervously, he looked at the two other people that were occupying the sofas. Opposite him an elderly man with grey sideburns sat, flipping through the magazine, as he was making small talk to the other person in the room. A girl.
Figures, Nick thought as he adjusted his cap. What if this was a fan and she would recognize him? What if she went on to the internet, telling everybody that she met Nick Carter at the hospital. At the oncology ward.
Then his ass would be fried. That was for sure. It would make one hell of a story. The press would gloat. No one would buy his solo album. Ok they would buy it, but just out of pity. And they could kiss the next Backstreet Boys album goodbye too since Nick knew that if this came out to the guys they wouldnīt allow him to do any recording. And then he would disappoint his fans, and the guys and his family. That was a burden that he didnīt think that he could bear right now. Instead it was better to keep his mouth shut. After all what you donīt know wonīt hurt you, right?
The girl smiled and he returned it briefly. She looked like she was in her late teens, a few years younger than him. She had very nice features and her eyes was as brown as chocoloate. But it wasnīt her good looks that attracted his attention. It was that she was wearing a red bandana on her head, indicating that she was bald underneath. Involuntarily he flinched, feeling his own head. If the girl saw this she paid no notice about it and Nickīs face grew red from embarressment. She just smiled and then said, "First time?" The man with the magazine looked up, expectantly for an moment.
Nick didnīt know what to say so he just nodded.
" Donīt worry, it will be just fine," she said lightly. Then she stretched her tan hand towards him, "Iīm Julie, you?"
Nick didnīt know what to say. Did he dare to say his name? He swallowed nervously, " Nick." Watching for any sign of recognition he felt an mix between relief and surprise when there was none. Didnīt she know who he was?
" Cool," the girl said, nodding towards the man with the sideburns. " This is Charles."
The man smiled, " Julie, I can introduce myself. " He stretched out his hand, " Charles, Charles McDurry."
" Nick Carter," He waited one more time to see if there were any reaction and when there was none he felt safe. Either they didnīt know who he was or they didnīt care. Even if he was feeling bad, there were some strange comfort sitting here, talking to people that were going through the same as he was. There were no need to explain anything. It felt good.
They small talked for a while. That was Julie and Charles talked. Nick listened. He was much too engrossed in the whole situation.
" What are you here for?" Julie suddenly blurted out.
Nick tensed.
Charles looked at Julie's way, shaking his head, but she continued like if they had been talking about the weather or something else. Like music taste. " You know what cancer do you have?"
Nick didnīt know what to answer. What was she talking about? He didnīt have cancer. Did he?
" Eh..uh.." He couldnīt bare himself to say out to words so he ended up stuttering instead.
" I have a brain tumor, have been through radiation and chemo. Yup I will soon glow in the dark," She giggled.
Nick looked at her, amazed.
Here she was talking about her cancer like it was one of the most natural things that was happening.
" How long have you been sick?" she continued and to that he didnīt know what to answer. How long had he been sick? And was he really sick?
" Iīve had this for 2 years," she said and Nick could detect an hint of pain. He felt unsure and fidgeted nervously on the seat. She kept talking for a while, but to tell the truth he felt actually good when his name was being called by the nurse that had met him at first.
" Mr. Carter, Dr. Andersen is free to see you now."
" Ok," he nodded, standing up, afraid that he would pass out if he took another step.
He had never liked hospitals. It always made him feel so at unease. He didnīt do sick people very well and during that time when Brian had been into heart surgery he tried to find up thousand excuses for not coming to the hospital. Brian had accepted them, without questioning him. He knew that Nick felt bad when he was in a hospital environment. Once Brian had told him that it was because he was such a sensitive guy and that he was always feeling so much. He was kind of taking others feelings on himself. Now he was starting to think that it might be true. He had an knack in feeling other peoples pain and not very good at dealing with it either.
There were so many different feelings runninng inside him. Feelings that had him all fucked up. This place really scared him. It felt clinical even if there were really nice furnitures and colors. It breathed sickness and death! How someone like Julie could be so happy even if she had a brain tumor was a riddle for him. Someone that had cancer was suppose to be sick and really depressed. That he had heard of. But it didnīt apply to him since he wasnīt having any real cancer. Non Hodgkins disease was something else. Wasnīt it?
" Mr. Carter," the nurse said a bit louder and he jerked. Shit he had spaced out again.
" Yeah?"
" Follow me," the nurse said as she walked towards the room where he had placed the journals. Just as he was about to go Julie called out to him. " Nick!"
" Uh?"
" That is Leona. She can be pretty strict, but is actually rather cool when you get to know her. Give her some time."
" Ok," Nick couldnīt help but laugh. This girl was pretty cool. " Well maybe Iīll see you around," he said as he followed in Leonas footsteps.
" Oh no you havenīt seen the last of me yet.," she grinned. " Just talk with Dr. Andersen and then Iīll see you in the "other" waiting room, down at radiation."
Nick felt confused. He had no idea what to expect and he stopped briefly to ask her what she meant, but she wavered him off, " Go, like I said. Iīll see ya."
" Sure."
He walked into the doctors office.
The doctor put down her upcoming patient's journal as the door opened and a young blonde man walked in. Peering over her glasses, she stood up to greet her patient. So, she thought, this was Nick Carter. The boy that was in that famous group, 'The Backstreet Boys,' the one that her own teenage girls had talked about several times. She had never listened to their music, but from what she understood he was a real talent and also girls fainted when they met this 22 year old man.
Dr. Susan Andersen was a woman in her mid forties , graduating from Yale University with high honors. She had worked as an oncologist for an long time and had earned lots of good publishing in different medical magazines.
" Mr. Carter, Iīm Dr. Susan Andersen," she greeted the blonde as she reached out her hand. He grabbed it with an hesitation, he was very clammy and cold. No doubt nervous. Dr. Santos had informed her about the patient's status and she felt an twinge of sadness as she looked into those blue eyes.
The patient had an prolonged state of Non Hodgkins disease level 3 and she knew that this was not good. He was going to start radiation therapy and she could tell that it was a very scared man she had infront of her. He was shivering, and she patted him comfortingly on his shoulder as she talked to him about his medical history. He had a history of several throat infections and also had suffered different stomach viruses which he had seeked treatment for. He had recently been to Japan where he was diagnosed with a severe case of mumps. They had ruled that out now since the lymphnodes were severely enlarged due his to his cancer, and this could very well have been the reason why he had fallen so very ill.
As she talked to her patient about his life she noticed that he was living a tough life with lots of pressure. His eating habits had much to wish for. The young man blushed when she asked him if he was drinking and that she took as an yes.
" I donīt think that I have to inform you that alcohol is out of the question when it comes to radiation treatment and agressive chemotherapy," she said and he nodded.
Something in his posture told him that she was dealing with a rather stubborn person and that he was used to choosing his own way. When she had asked about his family and what kind of support he had Nick had just shrugged saying that everything was cool. This left her to think that he had not talked to anyone about his disase. No doubt in denial, possibly still in shock.
Concerned about his mental health she had suggested him to talk to a psychology counselor, since she felt that he was carrying too much burden for someone that young. Nick was very silent, he was not asking many questions. Instead he was swallowing nervously and she asked him if he was feeling ok.
" Yeah..umm..can I have something to drink?" he mumbled as he twisted his hands nervously.
" Yes of course," she instantly poured a glass of lemonade that she had on the small table beside her. He took the glass with shaking hands, gulping it down gingerly. " Thanks," he said shyly as he handed the glass back to her.
It was something with this patient that made her wanna give him a warm hug. He was very likeable, but at the same time hard to reach. Even if he lived an life so far from her own she thought that he looked lonely and as she started to talk about the radiation therapy team that had social support, he distanced himself from her.
" Iīm not interested." he said shortly and she mentally decided that she would talk to him about his his social backup further along. She didnīt want to press it since she first had to build a relation,and he was not receptable for any detailed information right now. When touching the subject if he had someone to talk about his situation with he said shortly, that he did and he would take care of it on his own. She suspected strongly that he lied. It was obvious that the topic was a burning issue! But one thing was for sure, he would need support if he was about to walk the rocky road to recovery.
Radiation was not an easy treatment. It was not as bad as agressive chemo therapy, but it had some bad side effects that she wanted to spare him. If she could. After she had informed him what the radiation was and how it worked it was time to talk about the side effects.
" Nick," they had dropped the formal on his request, " There might be some side effects to the radiation treatment." He looks like an small scared boy and she starts to wonder if it was true. What her girls said. That his mother have never cared much about him, being an real show mom. He had grown up together with four older "brothers" , meaning the other boys in the band.
" Wi..will I loose my hair," he suddenly asks, biting his lips nervously.
" No Nick, since the treated area is your stomach there will not be any hair loss from radiation treatment." She gave him a comforting smile. It was clear that his looks had a great importance for him and she didnīt have the strength to add that there would be hairloss from chemotherapy. After all, they didnīt know how he would respond to radiation and there were no need to upset her patient any further. She could see that he was quickly reaching the dose for what he could take in information.
Glancing down in the journal briefly, she got a bad feeling about his case. His cancer was progressive and his spleen and lymphnodes were severely infected. Dr. Santos had also expressed his concern for the young man. She had, however, learned from her past experience that there were no predictions how a patient would respond to treatment and therefore the outcome was uncertain.
" However," she continue, " a common side effect is fatigue and because of this itīs important that you rest and donīt over extend yourself. Try to do as little as possible during these weeks when you are going through this daily treatment program. He would get radiation therapy Monday thru Friday, with weekends off.
His frown tells her that this boy have no intention on slowing down. She knew that he was working on a debute solo album and that he was also in the process of recording the groups new cd. This was very strenuous for him, and would likely cause him to feel worse.
" Itīs important that you are well rested since the therapy will respond better and then the side effects will lessen. Then there is loss of apetite." she contuniued , getting interrupted by the young man.
" Finally something that makes it worth going through! Sorry," he laughed nervously, sensing that she is studying him. " Itīs just that after batteling a weight problem for so long, the irony is that when I finally find a diet, there is cancer and I might not be able to enjoy my slim figure." There was lots of pain behind those words.
Making a small note in his journal, she scheduled him to meet a dietian and this he didnīt seem to object to. After giving away some small dietian tips she continued with her information, "Try to eat small, light meals since you may also experience nausea and.."
" Fun..wasnīt I suppose to get better and not worse?" There was sarcasm dripping in his voice and he seemed annoyed with the whole situation.
Denial. Itīs like a case taken from her own medical books.
" Yes, you are, but radiation is strong therapy, especially since you are getting an agressive treatment. There have been reported a frequent increase of side effects and itīs my responsibility to inform you about this so you know what might be expected.
She paused briefly as she continued, " There are no way to tell how a patient will respond to the treatment and there are those who experience very little to no side effects at all." Nick bounced his legs up and down in a restless way and momentarily she set her professional side away. The boy really needed support. His family and friends.
There were tears forming in his eyes and she wanted to reach out and touch him, yet she had to have her head cold since getting too involved in her patient's life had caused her great deal of pain during her years at the clinic.
" Since itīs your stomach and spleen that we are concentrating on the side effects are often an upset stomach, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea."
" Just peachy," the man uttered, glancing at the door for escape.
" You may also experience a low grade fever and soreness on the area that are being radiated. Headache is not very common, but it has been reported."
He looks down and she can tell that all sorts of thoughts are running in his head.
" If the side effects are very bad there is medication to lessen them and also as I mentioned before Nick, you need to slow down. The better health that you are in the more likely you're being able to kick this disease."
After informing him how the whole procedure worked she asked him if he had any questions, getting a negative shake back. This is one patient that she will have her hands full that she decided. He doesnīt want to reveal anything about his private life and she can tell that he is very afraid that his disease will come out to the press. That, she will do her best to prevent. Her patient's privacy and integrity is very important to her.
He looks so lonley as he is sitting on the hospital bed, waiting for her to examine him again. After she has pressed on his sore stomach, concern shining in her eyes since his lymphnodes are very swollen, she gets a total urge to hug him. His eyes are over flowing with tears, and he wipes them off with the back of his hand, biting his lips to prevent himself from breaking down.
The professional side in her takes over one more time and she hands him a paper." Now that I have informed you about radiation therapy and also itīs side effects I need you to sign this consent paper to give us permission to go through with this treatment."
" Ok," he is quiet for an while before he asks, " What if i wanna travel somehwere, ya know, during this treatment. What do I do then? Can I go?"
" We canīt forbid you to go since you are doing this of your own free will, but however that is NOT something I would recommend since the treatment might be delayed and the wanted effects might not come in the same extent as we have predicted."
" What if I really have to go." he is fidgeting now and she looks closely at him.
" I suggest that you think that through one more time, Nick. Maybe change the scheduled plans."
" No I canīt," he sounds frustrated, " They wouldnīt understand." His words are drowned away in an sob.
" Well Nick, it looks like you have made up your mind already. All I can do is suggest that you think it through one more time since it can damage the treatment." She feels bad for being that straight to him, but there are no use in lying.
He nodds as he signs his name down on the paper. " Here," the moment after he hands her the signed consent, shivering.
" Are you cold?"
" Eh..hrm..an bit," he admits and instantly she feels his forehead. Just like she suspected.
" Youīre running a temperature," she informed him, " I will let the nurse that takes your bloodwork, take your temperature too." She scribbles down some notes on an paper and then hand this to him.
" You will now get ready for your first radiation session and I want you to hand this to the nurse where you signed in. Ok?"
He nods.
" There will be more information over at radiation and I will be there with you the first time to make sure that youīre comfortable." This was not standard procedure, but there were something in his posture that didnīt want to leave him alone. Besides she was concerned that he was running a fever already.
" Guess I have no choice then," There are so much sorrow in his tone and before she knows it she hugs him. Tightly.
" Nick," she looks at him, " Everything will be just fine."
" Sure," he returns her hugs, clinging on to her like she was his lifeline. This has her in for a surprise since she didnīt figure Mr. Carter to be so emotional. He reminds her so much of her own children. There is something with him that touches her soul.
Nick Carter was special.
