"I´ve done it again, ” Nick thought miserablely as he lay on the hospital bed. He didn´t mean to get so stupidly drunk, it was just that he was so fed up with everything. It was becoming too much for him to handle and he needed an escape route. Turning to the bottle had been a bad descision, especially when he was on the chemo.
It wasn't that he didn´t want Julie to be in remission, not on the contrary. She deserved all the happiness there was. It was just that he didn´t know if he would be there to enjoy it with her. Enjoy life. They had been talking about what they would do when they were in remisson and now when that day had come Nick felt even more lonlier than before. Now he was all alone again. Alone with this dreadful disease called cancer.
He didn´t know if he could cope with it.
What also upset him greatly was that Brian had hidden the “truth” from him, just because his friend didn´t think he could handle the good news. Well Frick had been right one more time. He didn´t handle it all. For the time being it had felt good to be totally sloshed and drunk. After each JD his reality became more and more blurry. The pain went further and further away.
Now he had a new pain to deal with. He had to tell his longtime “brothers” about his situation. He had to tell them about his cancer.
Kevin had looked at him suspeciously when he was vomiting at his most, he had those frighten, yet questioning eyes and Nick didn´t know how to break it to the older man. Since his friend's dad died from cancer, Nick knew that he always had trouble talking about death and illnesses. Kevin had to put on a tough face, but deep inside he was softer than a kitten.
He knew that the moment the dark haired man finds out about the cancer he would be devistated. And Nick did everything in his power to prolong such a reaction.
How AJ would react there was no telling. The tattooed man had a battery of emotions inside him - everything from being very upset and mad to crying like a baby was on the reportaire. Howie on the other hand would certainly cry. That Nick was sure of. He and D’ had spent much so time together, especially last year when they had both been into partying. But then Nick had bailed out from going on Howie's Lupus cruise and things were a bit frosty between them. But nothing that couldn't get to be repaired.
“Are you comfortable, Mr. Carter?” the nurse asked as she came to adjust his IV. Startled, Nick looked up at her, nodding.
“Yeah, I don´t feel as nauseaous anymore.”
“That's good,” She smiled, “you know drinking while taking chemo is not a very wise choice.”
Oh if only he had known. As always he had learned it the hard way. When he puked blood he had been certain that this is it! His time had come! Then he had passed out and when he woke up he was riding an ambulance. Brian's concerned eyes had peered down at him, alongside with the ambulance personnel. He remembered the tears that streaked his friend's face. He had tried to say “don’t cry” but all that came out was a harsh whisper. His throat hurt too much from the strenous task as well as from those hated mouth sores.
“Would you like anything to drink?” the nurse asked as she puffed his pillow.
“Don´t you think I have had enough of that substance?” Nick joked.
The nurse chuckled,“I think you´re feeling better.”
“Yeah right,” Nick mumbled, but he couldn´t help to smile. They were all so nice to him and he knew that he had given the good Dr. Andersen quite a scare when he came into the hospital. White as a sheet, blood running down the corner of his mouth. They had instantly taken him up to x-ray, to rule out any internal bleeding. When they found out that none such thing was present, he was subsided to taking tests. Endless tests!
They had all came out negative, meaning that there was nothing wrong with him, except for over indulging on alcohol and he was to stay 24 hours for observation. No one had been allowed into the room up until now.
“Mr. Littrell is waiting outside. Do you want me to ask him in?”
Looking up, Nick thought for a moment. Did he want Brian to come in? He felt so ashamed over his break down. He hadn´t lived up to the high standards that were required for him and didn´t know what Brian thought of his actions. B was a person that didn´t like it when he was partying and he was sure that this episode had scared the shit out of him, literally.
“Ye..yeah,” Nick hesitated a moment. Then he made up his mind, “Yes, let him in.” The nurse did as he said and he sat up straighter in bed.
“Hey Frack,” Brian said silently as he entered the room. His face was withdrawn and he looked tired and haggard. Dark circles hovered under his tearfilled eyes. “Man you gave us quite a scare.”
“Yeah, I know.” Nick looked down. He felt bad for his behavoir.
“You feeling any better?” Brian's voice sounded thick with concern.
Nick nodded. “I´m so sorry,” he said as he felt his eyes burn.
“That was a stupid stunt you pulled.” Anger flared in the older man's voice.
“You..you´re mad at me?” Nick asked after a pause of silence.
“No!” Brian shook his head, “No, no, but I got so scared I would loose you.” The voice broke as he uttered the words.
“You won´t loose me,” Nick smiled, thinking 'At least not yet'.
Brian nodded, then he said, “The guys are waiting outside. They got as concerned as me.”
Instantly Nick asked, “Did you tell them anything?”
“No...but you know Nick, you have to tell them. It´s not fair that they don´t know anything.” Brian spoke quietly.
“Yeah and I will..when the moment is right.”
“The moment is right now, Nick. You want me to ask them to come in?” He was urging the blonde to make up his mind.
Nick shook his head. “I'll tell them..just not here. I´ll do it..back home.” The truth was that he didn´t know if he could bear facing them. Didn´t know how to tell them about the disease that was slowly sending him further to the grave.
“Okay,” Brian sighed, “you decide.” Nick was stubborn. He also sensed that there was fear that had him acting this way. Fear what his band brothers would think of him. Fear that they would neglect him or start to treat him differently.
Nick felt his eyes sting even more. Everything was starting to fall apart. He hated lying here, sick and tired in his bed. Too weak to even get up to go to the bathroom. It sucked. A trickle of a tear escaped and ran down his cheek. It was salty and instantly he tried to wipe it away. A sob was heard.
“Oh Frack,” Brian took his hand, gently, “Nick don´t cry. It will be fine. I promise.” His own voice was thick with emotions and seeing his band brother this miserable made his heart ache.
“I..I..failed,” the young man sobbed. “I´m one fucking gigantic mistake.”
“What?” Brian frowned. He didn´t follow the thoughts.
“I mean..I..I...fucked up when I should have..have been with Julie instead.” He hadn´t mentioned that he knew anything about her going into remission. There were no need to upset his friend even further.
“Oh that,” Brian breathed out loud, “Don´t worry. She doesn´t know anything.”
“She..she will..find out,” He felt so miserable that he wanted to die. He was letting them all down. One by one.
“Nick, you´re tired. Try to get some sleep and I´m sure that everything will seem better tomorrow. I can tell the guys that they can come at a different time.”
“Yeah, I´ll guess that you´re right.” He sighed heavily before closing his eyes. “Tell the guys that I will talk to them later, okay?” Suddenly he felt so exhausted.
“Okay,” Brian stroked Nick's hair. ”Just relax,” he whispered soothingly. The last thing Nick heard before sinking into oblivon was Brian's soft voice, “It'll be all fine. I promise.”
“God, I´ve got the worst headache there is,” Kevin moaned, furiously rubbing his temples. “I need to get something for this,” he stood up from the sofa and made his way down to the bathroom.
They had come back from the hopsital and were at Nick's house, watching a basketball game on tv. Leighanne was out shopping and nothing more had been said about Nick's condition. They were all tired from being up all night, waiting and watching over the man in question.
Opening the medicine cabinet Kevin scanned the shelves for asprin. A bit surprised, he noticed that Nick's otherwise so empty cabinet was filled with all sorts of medication. Picking up a bottle he read the label. It was strong pain pills. A vicious thought popped into his head.
Was the rumor true? That his little brother was on drugs? What else could the reason be why he was using this kind of medecine? He had to know.
Taking the bottle, he walked briskly out to Brian who sat talking with the rest of the boys about their upcoming cd.
“Brian,” he barked, “what the fuck is this?” Holding up the bottle so all could see he continued, “why is Nick using this?”
Brian's face got red. “What are you doing with that?” he yelled, trying to snatch the bottle from Kevin's hand.
“No,” Kevin said calmly, “the question is, what is NICK doing with THESE?”
“That is his business,” Brian bit his lip, “come on, hand it to me.”
“No,” The older man shook the pill bottle, “I wanna have an answer.” He was upset.
“Hey man, that's some pretty strong stuff,” AJ commented as he read the label. “Is Nick using this shit? In that case he is fucked up.”
“It´s not what you guys think,” Brian mumbled as he grabbed the bottle from Kevin's hand.
The men didn´t listen to him.
“So then it´s true,” Kevin asked, staring into his cousin's eyes.
“What's true?”
“That Nick is using drugs,” Howie cut in.
“No!,” Brian was getting more and more upset, “he is NOT on drugs. You have to trust me on this.”
“Trust you?” Kevin spat, then he said, “why are you keeping this from us?”
“I´m not keeping anything from anyone.” Brian felt annoyed.
“Yeah, Kev is right.” AJ contunued, “You´re keeping some shit from us. Listen if Nick is on drugs he needs professional help and..” His words were cut off from Howie.
“AJ, maybe we're assuming too much. What if Brian is telling the truth?” Being the peacemaker in the band Howie was used to trying to see everything from all different sides. He never jumped to conclusions without having resonable reasons.
“I AM telling the truth. You have to wait and talk to Nick.” Brian felt irritated that his brothers didn´t believe him.
Kevin looked disatisfied. “Then why is Nick on this stuff if he isn´t hooked on it?” He went silent for a while, thinking. Mostly to himself he uttered, “That is if he isn’t..Nah,” he stopped, “that can´t be.”
“What are you saying?” Howie asked as he saw his mate mumbling something, deep in thoughts.
“Yeah speak up man,” AJ urged him. Brian glared.
“The only time I know that someone is using this kind of stuff is when they are sick..really sick.” Kevin's words were just a whisper, as if he was trying to adjust to a situation.
“What do you mean by sick?” AJ didn´t follow his lines at all.
Brian felt his heart beat even faster. Sick? Did Kevin suspect something?
“I remember my dad using this kind of pain medication, when he had cancer,” he continued and this had both Howie and AJ's full attention.
Brian looked down. Afraid to let them see how this was effecting him. Tears stung and he felt like he was suffocating. “I need some air,” he mumbled as he ran out from the room, out to the patio. If he stayed any longer he would either start crying or pass out from emotional distress.
Surprised the guys looked at each other.
“What´s wrong with B’rok?” AJ asked. This was not like their friend to act like this.
Kevin was still silent, then he uttered, “What if..what if he IS telling the truth?”
“Who?”
“Brian, I mean what if Nick isn´t on drugs.”
“Yeah you said so earlier. But then what can be the matter with him?” Howie was searching for answers.
“Maybe he is sick,” Kevin filled in. AJ and Howie looked at him.
“What do you mean?”
“I know that this might sound farfectched but like I said earlier, my dad was on meds like this.” The air was thick with emotions.
“But..but your dad had cancer.” AJ murmured, not wanting to believe a word that he heard.
“Yes,” Kevin nodded. The words were stuck down his throat.
" He can´t..he can´t have cancer. His 22 years old..nah Nick is more likely into some kind of doped up shit," There were not a chance that AJ was buying the older friends words.
“There's only one way we can find out,” Howie said, looking at the direction where Brian had escaped. With a nod the three men stood up, walking out to the patio where the found their friend, on a bench, head in his hands.
“Brian?” Howie was taking the lead.
“Mhm..” the Kentuckian didn´t look up.
“Brian, does Nick have cancer?”
The words hit him like a blow to his chest. Emotions welled up over him as he heard the words being uttered. Slowly he looked up. Suddenly he couldn´t bear to hold this secret any longer. It felt too much!
“Yeah,” he mumbled, “Yeah he's got cancer.” Tears started to roll down Brian's cheeks as he continued, “ He´s got Hodgkins Disease and I´m not sure he will make it!”
A gasp was heard from the rest of the men.
