It was silent at the dinner table.
Leighanne had done her best to prepare a real good meal but everyone lacked an appetite. The usual jokes and comments was nowhere to be heard, instead each and everyone was picking at their food, looking down at the table, making polite conversations about their upcoming album. Even that topic that often was discussed so freely lacked enthusiasm.
No one had mentioned about what had occured back at the hospital. It was like it was a forbidden topic to discuss. Yet sadness and frustration clouded the atmosphere.
One member was missing, Nick, since he had not joined the group at dinner. There had been no persuations made and they all agreed with each other that Nick needed all the peace and quite he could get.
Like they had done so many times before during their years together.
Touring had always taken hard on their little brother and since he had practically grown up with them they had seen him go through different stages and phases in his life. He had gone from just a young boy to a full grown man and it had been stressful to say the least. Especially since Nick could be very moody and had a very hot temper.
There was a time when he was in a swinging phase. He was mad at everybody and everything and it had been more than one time that he had lashed out, hitting objects in the process. AJ even got one or two punches.
Yet they had waited him out.
When Nick had been on a drinking binge, constantly clubbing and changing woman they had been concerned.
Yet they had waited him out.
For the first time in their lives, they didnīt know how to act or what to do. Only that heir little brother was sick for real and not just suffering from one of those flu bugs that Nick always seemed to attract. This was something that was slowly sinking into their minds. When Brian was going into heart surgery there had not been any doubt that he wouldnīt pull through. This time with Nick, they werenīt so sure. He was suffering from cancer and there was something in his eyes that had them all very shook up.
Their friend was very sick.
Even if no words had been said they were all trying to grasp the situation. Dealing with it in their own way.
When Howie had first heard that Nick had cancer he had been shocked. He refused to believe that it could be true, but seeing his friend over at the hospital had him trembling with fear.
The anger and frustration that had filled his friend's mind, together with the pain and fright that clouded Nick's otherwise so lively eyes, had him very concerned. Yet he refused to believe that Nick wouldnīt make it. There was no way that something would happen to his friend and being the born optimist, he hoped that the treatment that Nick was given would be enough.
While waiting in the hospital he had read up about the disease that Nick was suffering from and judging from the propspects the future seemed very bright. The survival rate was high, but what the odds against Nick was that he was already suffering from a high stage of the cancer.
But Nicky was a fighter, Howie decided.
Knowing that his friend was very sensitive and emotional he knew that he had a hard time dealing with tough issues. When AJ had gone into rehab Nick had been devistated. He had fought his tears in public and when the camera went off he had broke down. When Howie had tried to talk with him afterwards, Nick told him off, shutting himself back into his shell. After that incident Nick had shut off all his feelings for awhile and this was a pattern that Howie saw was repeating itself again.
The young man was very private about his personal life, even if he often showed emotions. Howie doubted that anyone, expcept maybe Brian when he was younger, had the key to the young man's innersoul. Nicky had been hurt too many times and instead had put up a hard shell that was tough to crack.
During the years, mainly the last year, Howie had been there for Nick. When he had been going through a stage of clubbing they had been out partying all night. Nick had turned to him when both Brian and Kevin were busy being married men. There had been times when Howie got a glimpse into Nick's mind, especially when he was too drunk or stoned to care whoever was listening.
Yet he knew that he didnīt know the real Nickolas Carter. But then, did anyone?
Kevin had also been very shaken over the news. His head was threatning to split in half and he was fighting off a bad migraine. No medicine in the world seemed to help.
Ever since Brian had told him the dreaded news it felt like he was walking on clouds, or stayed in a bubble.
He had been chanting over and over again "Nick is sick....Nick is sick," like it would make the situation seem less surreal. He couldnīt bare to say the dreaded word; Cancer, since it reminded him too much of pain and suffering and he didnīt want to live through that nightmare again.
What made his heartache was that he was once again having to see someone that he loved going through the pain and misery that came with such a disease. This time it wasnīt his father that he loved and missed with his whole heart, that cancer chose to rob, but his little brother, Nick.
Mentally, he slapped himself for not noticing the signs. Instead he had thought that Nick was on drugs and he had cussed him out for not taking better care about his health. Especially when they were in Japan and he suffered from what the doctor said was the mumps. Now he knew better. It had been cancer showing itīs ugly face.
He didnīt know if he could make it through this again. He wondered if he had the strength to be a support for him.
He wanted to scream.
If it were something that Alexander James McLean was, it was angry! He felt the urge to scream, wanting to hit something. Wanting to yell to whomever had decided to make his friend ill. Life seemed so unfair.
The pain that AJ felt when he had seen Nick, with his bloated stomach, threatened to to rip his body apart. How many times hadnīt he made fun of and joked at him, commenting on his weight? Even if the comments often had been rude he still had never meant anything bad by it. It was just the way thngs had been between them, joking and kidding around about "serious" matters. Besides Nick had often laughed and then snarled something back. They were brothers and brothers make life miserable to each other. Right?
This time it felt like he had crossed over the line!
Never before since he became sober had he felt more desperate for a drink. Just a glass to deaden his pain and make it more bearable. Make it easier to breathe and live!
Yet he couldnīt do that since he would disappoint so many people. Sarah's support had meant the world to him and he couldnīt let her down. As he was listening to his friends talking about a upcoming track he wanted to scream out loud.
'Who the fuck cares about such unimportant things?'
Here they had just found out that their friend was sick, possibly dying and they spent their time discussing promotions like they had done so many times before.
What were they doing?
It felt like he would suffocate. He had to get out of here before he would choke. With that in mind he suddenly stood up, pushing his chair aside. The conversation stopped at the table and they all looked at him.
Brian was the first one to say, "Where are you going?" There was concern in his voice as he took in his friend's desperate expression.
"OUT! I have to get out of here. NOW!" He was already half out of the room. "This fucking place is choking me!" They heard the front door slam shut.
They looked at each other with shocked silence.
"I hope he doesnīt go off and do something stupid," Kevin said with a frown, "we donīt need to deal with another problem right now."
More silence. "Iīll go and see where he went," Howie said with a sigh. Concerned that his brother had ran off to do something he would regret.
