"Mmmmm..mpf," Nick stirred restlessly in his bed, tossing and turning, sweat drops coating his forehead. He groaned like he was in pain. Bob, who had fallen asleep in the armchair after a long conversation with his son, woke up with a jerk. Squinting against the light on the bedstand he tried to adjust his eyes as his glance fell on the moaning figure in the bed.
Nick seemed to be in the claws of a nightmare, his face contorted ever so often as if he was in pain. Holding a hand to his stomach he tried to seek comfort. The sheets were all tangled and he moved his head back and forth mumbling something uncoherent.
Stretching his joints, the older man stood up and walked over to Nick. Placing his palm on Nick's forehead, he checked for a fever. Frowning, he noted that he was a bit warm, not nothing alarming, but there were definatly a touch of something more.
"Oh Nicky," he whispered as he stroked away a strand of sweaty hair from the taut face. A moan came back in reply and Nick whimpered in his sleep, and for a second it looked like he was about to wake up. "Shhh," the older man soothed. "Shhhh, go to sleep, shhh I will be here." The words seemed to push into Nick's mind and to Bob's relief the pained expression went away. The soothing strokes had a calming effect.
There was a lump in the back of Bob's throat. It hurt him seeing Nick laying there, so vanurable and sick. It made his heart ache. A small tear escaped from his eyes as the realization that his son was sick for real slowly sank into his conscious thoughts. Quickly, he wiped it away with the back of his hand, like he was afraid that someone would see the sorrow that he was carrying.
Bob Carter was not a man to show emotions except when it came to having a hot temper. Nick's lightheartness and emotional state was something that mainly came from Jane. She could be very emotional, even if she often hid it under a mask of makeup.
When Bob noticed that the nightmare seemed to have released Nick of it's grip and his boy wasnīt so restless anymore he decided to go outside. He needed to catch his breath. The days event was rinsing over him like a cold shower, and he had to fight not to break down. Hearing that your child was sick with cancer had to be one of the toughest news you could experience. He wanted to scream outloud, yet he had to be tough, couldnīt break down infront of his own son.
He pulled the sheet over Nick's sweaty body and then stroked his cheek comfortingly. He hesitated before leaning over, giving his son a short kiss on the forehead. Grinning, Bob thought that Nick would freak out if he woke up and saw his dad in such an action. This was usually Jane's area, especially when he was younger. He knew that Nick needed and craved lots of hugs and with a pang of guilt it reminded him that he hadnīt been there for his son lately.
Up until Nick turned nineteen he had been there for him, on and off. Since Jane was busy traveling with Aaron he was often designated to be Nick's chaperone. Not that he had to bother so much with his son, come to think of it Nick's friends had been there for him more than he had. It hurt him, thinking these thoughts. He was far from being the perfect dad, often pushing his son to do better. To succeed. But he had done it all out of love, never thinking that it could be too much for his young son.
Catching one last glance at Nick, he made sure that he was comfortable, and the turned off the bedlamp. He tried to be as silent as he could, since Nick was a light sleeper, especially when he wasnīt feeling one hundred percent. Sneaking outside, he left the door slighly ajar, in case he would need him.
It was after midnight and it was quiet in the house. All were gone but Brian and Leighanne who spent the evening there. With a sigh he picked up the cellphone. He had promised to call Jane as soon as he could, yet he dreaded the phone call. The news that he had received was eating him up from the inside. He wanted to spill his guts, needing the comfort that his wife could provide. Yet he had promised not to say anything to Jane. Nick had been very clear with that he didnīt want anyone in his family to know just yet, and even if he was totally against it he had to respect Nick's decision. Robert Carter was a man that kept his words.
He thought back at the evening that had passed. Relief had been shown in his sons eyes when he finally got to reveal what had been haunting him for the past months. They had talked and talked and for the first time in years Bob felt that they were nearing each other again. A couple of years back, when Nick was with Manda, they had come into arguments with each other. It was no secret that Jane didnīt like Manda. She thought she was destroying Nick's reputation and that she was using him. Personally Bob thought that alot of the bad words that Manda got was uncalled for. Nick had seemed happy, at least in the beginning of their relationship. It had come like a shock that Nick didnīt want to come and live with them in LA and when he had sold his house there, it had been the catalyst that had started the fight.
As a matter of fact they didnīt speak to each other for almost a half a year. Nick was mostly on the road touring, but Aaron had been very upset, missing his brother. Bob had missed Nick too, his liveliness, his goofing around. Yet he had stopped himself from intervening and waited Nick out. Jane had been stubborn as always and she had commented that if Nick wanted anything he could make the first move. And that Nick did, made the first move. Bob never forgot the time when Nick turned up at Aaron's show, an unplanned surprised visit. When he saw the genuine love that the two brothers showed for each other, he knew it was wrong. Wrong to fight and they had made up. But the realtionship wasnīt like it had been before the fight.
Then Tiffany had come into the picture. She was a sweet nineteen old girl that was by Nick's side all the time, mostly standing in the background. Tiffany was the complete opposite of Manda and he had liked her from the beginning. Jane didnīt. Nick however was way too busy to have a relationship and they had broke off rather abruptly. After that Bob watched his son turn towards the life of sex, drugs and rock n' roll! There had been more than one night when he couldnīt sleep afraid that Nick would do something stupid. When the phone call had come that Nick was arrested it was more like a relief than a disaster. Maybe finally Nick would clean up his act and sort out his own life. Jane had been devistated, she wasnīt as forgiving thinking that Nick had stabbed her in the back the way he behaved. Bob on the other hand knew that this was Nick rebelling against the life he had lived since he was a toddler.
He was very supportive over Nick's solo album, and when he had seen the joy that the boy shared for writing songs he had been surprised. He knew that Nick was smart, much smarter than he was given credit for. But that he was a talanted song writer was something that came more like a surprise. And now when he was in his mid of his success, a death sentence was put on the young mans shoulders. His son was slowly dying of cancer.
Biting his lip, trying to get his feelings in check, he pressed the speed dial button on his cellphone. It was late back in LA, but he knew that his wife was expecting the phone call. True to his thoughts it didnīt take many signals before Jane's voice was heard on the other line.
"Hi itīs me," he said as he steadied his voice, trying to sound like nothing was bothering him. He was instantly rewarded wih a scrowling voice insisting that he should have called earlier. After calming his wife down he continued, "Iīve decided to stay a few more days with Nick." The comment wasnīt welcome at all. Instead his wife told him how he was neglecting the rest of his children and that he was needed back home.
Bob wanted to tell his wife to shut up, yet he stopped himself. She had no idea what the reason was for his stay and he couldnīt blame her. They were living a very hectic life with all of their children trying to make it out there in the big world. Aaron was demanding much attention and Jane was there for him 24/7.
He sighed heavily.
It wasnīt that his wife didnīt care for Nick, it was quite the opposite, she was her favorite son. The son that she was most proud of, at the same time as she wanted to control his life. She wanted Nick to be the best, wanted him to succeed and therefore Jane was on his case all the time. He remembered when Nick was twelve and when he wanted to play outside with the other kids. He wanted to play basketball. Bob had thought that it was okay but Jane had told her son that if he wanted to be something he had to work for it, and therefore he was suppose to practice and NOT play. Nick had cried, saying that he didn't have a life, and Jane had responded to that by litterally glueing the mike into his hand. Bob shuddered at the memory. No wonder that Nick had acted the way he did when he got older.
Yet he concluded, his wife had a good heart, even if she sometimes had a strange way of showing it.
"No," he said firmly, "I am going to stay with Nick. He is thinking of buying a new boat." That one was true. They had talked about Nick buying a top speed race boat. It was Bob's dream to own such a beauty and he wanted to be the trottler. Nick was rich enough to afford one and they would go and look for a boat during his stay here. It would do his son good, take him out of the thoughts of sickness.
As he had expected his wife went totally crazy, yelling that he always took Nick's side and that her oldest son was spending way too much money. This had him upset. "Jane" he said in a harsh tone, "itīs not like it seems.." He stopped himself, too close to revealing the secret. He had to bite his tounge from saying too much. "No," he continued, "itīs nothing like that." She was refering to her son and his wild nightlife. "YES, I have spoken to him."
Jane was upset on the other line so he said in a comforting voice, "Yes, I know it was a bad way to act and yes I straightened him...aha, said that to him too." His wife had been hurt by Nick's actions the other day and he wanted to tell her that Nick had his reasons. When the day Jane finds out about Nick's cancer he knew that she would break down. He was her precious gem and if something happened to Nick she would take it very hard.
The conversation seemed to drag on forever, mostly with Jane accusing Bob taking no responsibility of the children and in the end he promised to stay just one extra night, and that he would leave the day after tomorrow. There were too many things going on in the Carter household and to keep peace he had to go back. Besides, Bob decided, Nick had his friends that were there for him, his brothers. Come to think of it there had been little, almost no time for ordinary family life during the past five years. It had all been too hectic, with both of their sons traveling, touring and preforming. It was a never ending job.
As he hung up the phone, he felt relieved that he had managed to hold such a secret and keep it safe. Nick would never had forgiven him if he had spilled his guts. Pulling a hand through his white hair he walked downstairs. The house was big and it was dark inside, leading him to the conclusion that the Littrell's had already gone to bed. As he came down into the big living room, both of Nick's pugs came running towards him, wiggling their tails.
"Hello boys," Bob bent down patting them on their backs. A smile played on his lips as he was reminded just how much Nick loved these small critters. When his son was six he had a period when he was taking care of all homeless dogs and cats. Nick had a certain way to deal with animals and kids. Maybe because he was sometimes acting like he was still a kid. But Nick had been growing up recently. He wasnīt as laughing as much or joking around like he used to. In fact, he seemed to be more sullen and withdrawn. Nick had never been far from laughter, now he seemed like he was often deep in thoughts. The cancer already leaving its marks.
Opening the french door leading out to the poolside, he stepped outdoors, the fresh evening air hitting against him. Walking out towards a bench next to the pool area he was surprise to see that he wasnīt the only one out there.
There on the small bench was a siloutte of a man that he come to know as his sons best friend. "Ehh..Hi Brian," he said as he saw the Kentuckian looking at the stars, deep in thought.
A bit startled, the young man turned around, a smile creeping up on his face when he saw Nick's father, "Hi Bob, youīre up?" He moved over to the bench to make room, then patted with his hand on the vancant seat.
"Yes." Bob sat down, making no further comments.
"Is Nick asleep?"
"Yes."
"He seem alright?" There was concern in his tone of voice.
"As far as I know, yes." Bob stared out over the pool area. Nick had built quite a mansion, the sad part was that he had rarely any time to spend in any of his houses. Jane had decorated the house and it was all in sharp, very tasteful style, yet Bob knew that his son didnīt pay that much attention where he lived and what it looked like. Actually Nick seemed very unconcerned over all kinds of celebrity status. He rarely hung around at the big parties, spending time with other celebrities. Instead he wanted to be like a "normal" guy as he called it.
But Nick's life was anything but normal. He had to have bodyguards with him where ever he went and his friend Mike was the one that often served that purpose. Girls were clinging to him where ever he went and he couldnīt do a thing without it becoming frontpage headlines or being frequently discussed over the internet.
He had once said in a tv interview over in Canada that the touring and hotel rooms was his home and the fans and the guys in the band were his family. The words had hurt Bob like a knife wound, his heart threatning to rip into pieces. Was Nick really that unhappy? Had they pushed their son too far when it came to fame and was they now paying the price?
Thoughts swirled around in his head, only to get interrupted by Brian's soft words.
"How are you taking it?"
Looking at the Kentuckian he found himself admiring the young man in front of him. Being on the road touring with Nick he had come to know the boys quite well especially Brian since he was so close to Nick. To tell the truth a pang of jelousy was felt in his heart, when he saw how his son rather turned to this young man, than to his own parents. It was with Brian he spoke when he was having problems or feeling low. He was the only one allowed to come really close to Nick, and it hurt him to see how the two friends had drifted apart when Brian married Leighanne. It was like it ripped something in their friendship. Nick had a habit of acting like he wasnīt bothered over the situation, but Bob knew better. He was screaming for help.
About to say to Brian that everything was fine and he could deal with it, his words suddenly got stuck down his throat. He had to swallow hard to keep the tears from coming.
Seeing this Brian put an arm around the older man's shoulder, tears in his own eyes. "Itīs okay," he whispered, "itīs okay to cry."
With those words, the damm broke and Bob started to cry without any bounds. After letting out all of the desperation he felt another emotion flared up within him. Anger and frustration.
How come that Nick had told Brian that he was sick and not him and Jane? His own parents! He felt betrayed. Betrayed by his own son!
"How long have you known?" he spat as he regained his composure again.
Brian shifted uncomfortably, fidgeting with his hands, not looking Nick's father in his eyes he said, "A few weeks." It was actually almost a month. A month with one incident after another. A full month knowing that his bestfriend was sick. Terminally ill. There was no telling what the next month would be like. Brian didnīt dare to think so far ahead.
A few weeks! Bob took in the words slowly. Even if he liked the Backstreet Boy it still hurt him like a thorn in his heart that Nick had turned to him instead of telling his own father. Were they such bad parents that not even their oldest son felt uncomfortable talking to them? Bob felt like one gigant failure.
It was like Brian sensed how painful the words were as he added with a chuckle, "You know how Nick is." The words didnīt help at all instead they made Bob even more sad.
"No," he said, "no I donīt know how Nick is. Tell me." Surprised over that he uttered such words a feeling of fright came over him. Was it true? That he didnīt know his own son? That Brian knew him better?
"Listen," Brian said, compassion in his voice, "it doesnīt matter WHEN he said it. What matters is THAT he has told you." Brian breathed in, "What did Jane say?"
"She doesnīt know anything." Bob sat up, his hands to his face, "How bad is it?" He whispered, afraid that if he asked the question out loud the answer would be even worse than he expected.
Brian shook his head, voice thick with emotions. "Iīm going to be honest with you," he mumbled, swallowing down the lump that was in the back of his throat. The lump of tears. "Nick has Hodgkins Stage III and if he doesnīt go into remission there is no telling what the outcome will be." He held his breath, waiting for a reaction.
And the reaction came, "Then..then it is..true then." The words were barely audible.
"What is true?" Brian's tone were soft.
"Tha..that he is..that my son is dying." The words got stuck down his throat and Bob coughed hard, wicing as it felt like he would choke.
"I..I donīt kn..know," Brian felt like he was going to explode, seeing the pain that Bob was carrying. The pain that only a parent could have. The fright of loosing your child. He shivered into the warm night. Hoping with all of his heart that he would never have to experience such a pain.
"Is it..I mean does it get bad sometimes?"
"You mean the chemo?" Brian asked.
"Yes,"
The young man nodded, "Yes..yes it does. Sometimes the nausea is very bad, but Nick gets medication for this, so the last times have been a bit better." He tried to sound hopeful. Bob gave no response he just nodded, too much in shock to grasp the reality of the situation. Then a silence followed, silence that was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
"Brian," Bob said after awhile.
Saying nothing the young man turned his face towards the older man, his eyes questioning.
"I just want you to know that Nick is lucky." Bob had trouble finding his words.
"Why?" Brian didnīt follow the words.
"Because he has you as his friend." Bob smiled through his tears. "I want to thank you for being there for him, helping him out." He looked with sincerity at the young man next to him. "Nick really loves you and Brian you mean so much to him." The words were barely a whisper since his voice threatned to break down.
Brian, tears in his eyes replied, "Well the feeling is mutual. You have a pretty awesome son too." He smiled paley.
Bob couldnīt help to chuckle, despite the sadness he felt, "Yes," he agreed, "youīre right, Nick is special." As he said the words an arrow shot through his heart. He couldnīt bare to loose his oldest son. Life couldnīt be so cruel.
