“What the heck are you doing here? I thought you were staying in Marietta for a few days,” Kevin asked with surprise as his cousin walked into the living room where he had been laying on the couch, taking a nap.
“There was a change in plans,” Brian commented, his face looking pale.
Kevin quickly sat up. “Is everything okay with Leighanne?”
Sitting down in the wing chair opposite of the couch, Brian leaned his elbows on this thighs and cradled his head in his hands. “She’s fine.”
After a minute or so passed without Brian offering anything more in reply, Kevin pressed. “So why are you back so soon then?”
Brian shook his head. He didn’t want to break the promise he had with Nick about talking to anyone about his illness, but he suddenly realized that there was a technicality - they already knew about his illness.
“Dr. Andersen called my house earlier this morning,” Brian began as he reached for the bottle of water he sat on the coffee table. Kevin didn’t say anything. Part of him was too scared to ask while the other part wanted to give Brian the time to tell him what was going on without jumping to any conclusions. “Nick’s refused to continue his chemotherapy.”
Kevin’s eyes widened. “He what?”
“Nick refused to continue his chemo,” Brian repeated, taking a drink from the bottle. “She called me with her concerns and the fact that I’m Nick’s patient advocate she said I was her only hope.”
“So you convinced Nick to keep on with the chemo?”
Brian shook his head. “No, not exactly.”
Kevin waited for Brian again and watched as he leaned back into the chair, lifting his face towards the ceiling.
“Kev, I’m not sure if I overstepped my boundries,” Brian sighed, tears slipping down his cheeks.
“Brian, just because you told the doctor to keep on with Nick’s chemo didn’t overstep any bounds,” Kevin defended.
“God, I wish it were that simple,” Brian sighed.
“Is there something more going on than what I know about?”
Brian raked a hand through his hair. “Kinda.”
“Kinda? Kinda how?”
Brian held his hands up. “Kev, please, let me explain okay, I need to think about how I want to say this!”
Kevin’s stomach started twisting in knots with worry. He was dreading what he figured Brian would be telling him but fought the urge to make any comments until his cousin spoke to him.
Sighing loudly, Brian began. “The doctor said she was alarmed about Nick’s lab results. She said they were lousy and some of the levels were off the chart for certain things and she is suspecting that the cancer could be advancing.”
“Oh dear God,” Kevin sighed, tears filling his eyes.
“She has a plan and we’re going to implement it, but Nick won’t even know we’re doing something specifically different to him, he’s going to be convinced that he’s being weaned from the chemo and getting something herbal by mouth to boost his immune system. That’s why I feel so bad about all of this,” Brian said as he leaned forward, cradling his head in his hands.
“Brian, you’re Nick’s spokesperson, you’re doing what he wants you to do,” Kevin said in a reassuring voice.
“But to lie to him?”
“You’re not lying to him, you’re protecting him,” Kevin theorized. “What did this doctor think this will do for Nick? Buy him more time?”
“Basically she said from what shes read on this is that it could trick his body into remission and hopefully stall any of the cancer from spreading but she cautioned that this may have some unpleasant side effects.”
“I’m sure it can’t be all that unpleasant,” Kevin remarked.
“I don’t know,” Brian said, covering his face with his hands, leaning back once again.
“Well then, what did she think could happen that’s so god-awful-horrible?”
“Mood swings for one,” Brian confessed.
“With Nick? That’s normal,” Kevin grinned lightly.
A small smile tugged at Brian’s lips. “Yeah, I guess you’re right about that one.” His face suddenly grew serious once more. “Well, then there’s weight gain--”
“Again, with Nick that’s normal, besides, he’s starting to look a little too thin lately.”
“We’re all gonna help our little brother, without him even suspecting we’re helping him out,” Kevin said, his voice sounding strong and convincing. Brian took a moment to collect his thoughts before he left the car to walk into Dr. Andersen’s office. There were so many things that were plaguing his mind both good and bad.
Sighing, he leaned his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes. Nick had placed a huge responsiblity on Brian’s shoulders by designating him as his patient advocate. There had to be a good reason for that, but Brian couldn’t think of any, his mind was only filled with doubt. “God, I wish I had a sign or something that this is the right thing I’m going to do,” he prayed.
Opening his eyes, he saw a young woman with a small child walking past the row of cars towards the entrance. She held out her hand for the boy to take as they crossed over to the front doors of the building.
Forgetting his own world at the moment, Brian grinned at the sight. An innocent child having nothing but complete trust in his mother. His grin eased as the memories of his first tour with a young, shy Nick Carter crept into his mind....
Flashback “Nick, hey, you can talk to me, what’s wrong?” Brian asked as he sat on the bed next to the form buried underneath the blankets.
“Leave me alone!”
“I can’t help you if you don’t talk, c’mon y’all can’t keep it inside forever,” Brian remarked as he touched what he hoped was the boy’s shoulder.
“You’ll just tease me like the rest of them so why tell you?”
“I promise I won’t tease you.”
It took a few moments before Nick’s blonde head emerged from under the cloak of blankets, his cheeks stained with tears. “That AJ guy told me they were gonna leave me and I would have to figure out how to get home.”
Brian’s face paled. “AJ told you what?”
Nick sniffled, wiping his eyes with the back of his hands. “He said I was a pain in the butt and he told me that I mess things up for everyone because I’m the youngest. He said he was gonna beat me up and leave me and I would have to find out how to get back to Florida on my own.”
“Aww, Nick, that’s never gonna happen and you know it,” Brian reassured.
Nick’s blue eyes grew wide. “No he promised me that it would and he told me not to tell anyone or he would find me and do something bad.”
Brian couldn’t help but smile at the young boy’s innocence. “Nick, as long as I’m with you, nothing will ever happen to you.”
“You promise?”
Brian made a gesture on his chest. “Cross my heart and hope to die. I’ll always take care of you, no matter what.”
Nick’s brow furrowed. “Even when I’m sick and puking my guts out?”
“No matter what.”
End of Flashback Slowly shaking his head, Brian felt that this was the sign that he had prayed to be shown. With renewed strength, he eased his body out of Nick’s car and trudged towards Dr. Andersen’s office.
Walking down the hall, Brian found he had to stop and look at the sign telling him which suite the doctor’s office was located. When he had been in there with Nick, he simply followed the tall man, never paying attention to where they were going.
The antiseptic smell in the air made Brian shudder when he opened the door to the doctor’s waiting room. There was a young woman sitting at the reception desk and she acknowledged Brian with a broad smile.
“I have an unscheduled appointment to see Dr. Andersen,” he stated in a hushed tone.
The girl quickly stood up. “She’s been expecting you, I’ll take you back to her office.”
Quietly, Brian followed the girl through the maze of halls towards the back. She knocked quietly on the closed oak door, opening it slightly when a woman answered. Turning to Brian, she motioned for him to go past her into the room.
The woman stood up and offered her hand. “Thank you for coming so quickly, Mr. Littrell.”
“It’s Brian,” he corrected.
The doctor smiled a thin, tight smile. “Nickolas is being very stubborn.”
“That’s pretty much Nick’s nature.” Brian shifted in the chair, leaning forward. He anxiously waited while Dr. Andersen thumbed through Nick’s thick chart.
Dr. Andersen looked up at Brian. “I don’t know if you fully understand the disease that Nick has.”
“Yes, actually I’ve done some research on the internet when Nick finally told me what was going on with him.”
“I see, then you know how important it is to keep Nickolas on chemotherapy and the other treatments I’ve ordered for him?”
Brian nodded in reply, studying the woman’s face for clues as to where she would be leading with this.
“I’m hoping that since he has ordered you as the patient advocate you’d be able to talk to him and convince him that what we’re doing is trying to save his life. I’m afraid he doesn’t realize the consequences of his decision.”
Swallowing hard, Brian tried his best to keep his emotions in check. His vision became blurred with unshed tears. “Just how bad is he?”
The doctor removed her glasses and set them aside on the oak desktop. “The only way to say this is to just be blunt with you. Nick’s condition is guarded and he’s not into remission, but we really haven’t been treating him that long yet. I’m trying to get his system to go into remission and by doing the chemo we have a good chance of fighting this. I was planning on starting some more radiation again next week, as soon as he seems stronger, but with him not wishing to continue his therapy, my hands are basically tied.”
“Well, if he didn’t get so sick, I think he would tough it out.”
“I told him we have to take the good with the bad. I placed him on a higher dose of chemo because they were certain things that kept indicating that his cancer wasn’t slowing,” Dr. Andersen sighed. “I’m suspecting that there is more going on with Nickolas than what he is telling us.”
“How?”
“Just a theory at this point, but he has refused me checking his adomen several times and his labs are still pretty iffy.”
“Nick’s always been sensitive about his stomach,” Brian defended.
“This is a different type of refusal, almost like he’s hiding something or afraid I’ll find something. It’s just a guess and I’m hoping I’m way off in thinking this, but from years of clinical experience, I have my suspicions.”
“What do you need me to do then? Sign papers? I’ll do anything you want me to do, just do what it takes to get Nicky better.”
“I just need you to convince him that he needs to stay focused on getting better and not give up. I can give him more medications for his nausea but it’s just going to take some time for him to get adjusted to the new levels of chemo. He needs to stay on three weeks and then he will get a break for one week and go on again, mind you, he will feel so good during the off week that he will try and quit going back for his next round of chemotherapy again. My plan during the week off will be for radiation therapy which is important for Nickolas to continue.”
The doctor paused, looking at the pale man that sat across from her desk. “Are there any questions?”
Brian sat rigid in the chair, clenching his jaw, eyes fixed on the floor. He was afriad to speak, fearing he would start bawling like a blubbering idiot. He finally managed a slight shake of his head.
“Are you going to be alright? Can I get you something?”
Brian jerked, tearfilled eyes locked onto Dr. Andersen’s. Quickly wiping his eyes with his fingers, he mumbled “yeah, thanks.”
“I be in contact with you later.”
Brian’s footsteps echoed in the long, dark hall as he walked towards Nick’s room. He wrung his hands as he kept thinking of the task at hand and knew how Nick would respond to what he had to say. Living on and off with Nick for nearly ten years, Brian could say that he knew the kid as well as the back of his own hand.
Pushing his own feelings of doubt, Brian pasted a smile on his face as he crested the threshold of the private room that Nick occupied. His heart caught in his throat as he caught the sight of his sick friend laying on his side in the bed, the chemo device laying on the bedstand, still attached to the port in his chest.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Nick softly questioned, his face a mask of confusion. “I thought you were going back home.”
Managing a grin, Brian approached the bed and sat on the edge. He reached out and gently squeezed Nick’s leg. “That’s the same greeting I got from Kevin when I got to your house. You guys are going to give me a complex.”
Nick eyed his best friend suspiciously.
“Seriously Nick,” Brian tried to reassure the blonde.
Not letting up on his stern gaze, Nick pressed. “Why are you here?”
“I missed you.”
“Bullshit. You’re lying Littrell,” Nick spat.
Brian sighed. “Alright, so I’m a lousy liar, but I really do miss you and worry about you.” Nick’s stare never eased and Brian squirmed under the scrutiny of the young man’s eyes. “Nicky, I need to talk to you.”
Before Brian could begin, Nick rolled his eyes. “I know where this is going already.”
“Can you just give me a chance and hear me out?”
“Yeah.. okay,” Nick snapped, folding his arms across his chest as he turned onto his back.
Brian met Nick’s hard glare, not looking away. “At least approach this with an open mind?”
Nick sighed dramatically. “Okay, sure.”
Brian searched for the words to say to his young brother, letting his heart guide him in his explanation. At first Nick’s expression never eased, he looked like he was bound and determined to do what his mind had decided and no one was going to change his thoughts until Brian uttered three very shocking words: you will die.
Upon hearing those words, Nick’s glare dissapated and tears welled in his eyes.
Brian’s face suddenly became pale as he gazed at Nick. “Y-you had no idea?” he stammered.
Nick had tucked the thought that the cancer could kill him in the back of his head. He figured that if he didn’t think about it, it wouldn’t happen. Hearing Brian confirm his biggest fear that he could die from this was as if someone threw a glass of ice water into his face. The tough front he had drawn up was suddenly let down. The unshed tears that pooled in his eyes finally fell, his body wracked in sobs.
“I don’t wanna die.”
Bending forward, Brian wrapped his arms around Nick and held him as they both wept.
