Nick could not believe how much energy it took for him to walk into the house. The two small steps from the garage seemed gigantic and he faltered once only to have Brian steady his balance.
“Are you alright?”
Wanting to scream ‘NO’, Nick quietly said he was fine. Thoughts of lying down on the couch were dismissed quickly when Aaron bounded in front of him.
“Hey, I got that game set up in the den!”
Rubbing a hand over his face, Nick barely acknowledged Aaron. The lingering pain in his stomach was announcing its presence once more by sharp, stabs across the midsection. “Can we play in an hour?” Nick whispered between swallows.
The dark look that crossed Aaron’s face made Nick’s heart sink. He knew it hurt his little brother’s feelings when he asked if he could play later. Brian picked up on Aaron’s sullen face.
“Hey kiddo, lets let your brother take a nap, I know he’s really whipped,” Brian quickly offered.
“Nah,” Aaron replied softly, “I understand, it’s okay.”
“You’re not gonna get off that easy with me, besides, I think Nick would rest better knowing you’re getting your butt kicked by his best friend, right Nick?”
Nick managed to force a smile despite the pain.
“It wouldn’t be the same,” Aaron mumbled.
“Let me help Nick up to his room--”
“The couch is fine,” Nick interrupted.
Concern washed over Brian’s face. “Don’t you think you’d feel better laying in bed?”
“Yeah but I don’t think I can do stairs right now.”
Aaron sadly watched his brother take slow, calculated steps towards the living room. He was still having a hard time accepting that this was actually happening to Nick. Tucked back in his mind was the notion that it couldn’t be cancer; it was the drugs the doctor was making Nick take that was causing him to be so sick.
Unshed tears burned in Aaron’s eyes and he quickly darted around Nick and Brian towards the stairs, nearly running into Kevin.
“Whoa.... hey!” Kevin said as he grabbed the boy by the arms. Not daring to look up at the tall man, Aaron tried to jerk his arms from Kevin’s grip. “Aaron, calm down. What’s wrong?”
Afraid to make eye contact, Aaron kept his head down. Not trusting his voice, he shrugged his shoulders. Staring down at the young teen, Kevin’s eyes shifted as he tried to think of what was causing Aaron’s behavior. He suddenly theorized that it had to do with Nick probably being too tired to play the video game.
“Hey, I’m sure once Nick gets up from his nap he’ll be ready to play.”
After waiting for a few moments for a response, Kevin knelt down, looking at Aaron’s face. A lump formed in his throat when he could see the mixture of fear and sadness in the boy’s face.
“I don’t want him to die,” Aaron squeaked, wiping away the tears that started slipping down his cheeks.
Pain pierced his heart. At a loss for what to say, Kevin drew Aaron into a comforting hug. Wrapping his arms tightly around Keivn, Aaron sobbed into his sweater.
“Nick!” Aaron yelped, dropping the controller on the floor as he jumped up and ran towards his brother.
“Hey Squirt.”
Aaron slowed in his movements toward his brother. His first impulse was to wrap his arms around him and give him a big hug, but Nick’s body language as well as the lack of enthusasiam in his voice indicated that all was not perfect with the older brother.
“How come you’re up already?” Brian questioned as he glanced at the clock on the wall.
Rubbing a hand slowly across his face, Nick yawned. “I just thought I should spend some time with AC.”
“Cool... are you ready for me to kick some serious ass?” Aaron called out as he bounded towards the Playstation equipment.
“You better hope Mom didn’t hear you say ass,” Nick softly reprimanded.
“You said it too.”
“Yeah but it’s my house.”
Brian could only grin and roll his eyes at the friendly banter between the two brothers. Normally Nick and Aaron could argue for hours on end on such topics as whether or not the sky is blue or the grass is green.
Taking his place at the end of the couch closest to the wide screen television, Nick grabbed a controller. “Bring it bud cause I’m showin’ no mercy today.”
“Famous last words,” Aaron smirked as he set the Madden football game up. “Just so ya know, I’m taking the Bucs.”
“Noooo, I am!” Nick paused for a moment before adding with a grin, “My Playstation, my tv, my house.”
“Oh for the love of God,” Brian sighed, shaking his head as he smiled.
Brian settled into the white leather wing back chair and watched the two brothers playing the video game, Nick slumped back on the couch; Aaron sitting cross legged on the floor off to the other side. He was glad to see the happiness on Nick’s face; something that had been missing lately. Although Nick was happy, Brian couldn’t ignore the fatigue that was in Nick’s blue eyes. He knew that Nick was pushing himself to please Aaron.
A couple of times he noticed Nick’s posture slouching further and further into the couch, the controller he held in his hands would drop onto his lap only to have him quickly jerk and lift it back up. Nick switched positions and laid down on his side, holding the controller on the edge of the couch, still agressively playing the game.
”EASY TACKLE!” Aaron sang out. “I’m kickin’ your ass now.”
Brian watched as Aaron’s players kept running over Nick’s players. The next play in the game, none of Nick’s players moved and Aaron sacked the quarterback.
“You know you have to try when you play!” He grinned, turning to look at his brother. “Nick?”
Brian looked over towards the couch finding Nick fast asleep, his mouth slightly open, the game controller still in his hands. He quickly looked to see what Aaron’s reaction would be to Nick falling asleep during the game. In a remarkable display of maturity, Aaron laid his controller down and quietly grabbed the blue and white afghan throw from the back of the couch and laid it gently over Nick’s body.
“Hey, I just baked a fresh batch of Nick’s favorite chocolate chip cookies,” Jane announced as she entered the den.
Looking up at his mother, Aaron placed his index finger to his lips and motioned towards Nick with his head.
Jane’s face paled as she took the sight in of her sick son laying on the couch. Tears filled her eyes. She mumbled a few words and turned and left the room.
Aaron looked apologetically at Brian. “She wants everything to be normal again.”
“We all do,” Brian added.
Fingering the keys in his hand, Nick stood in the parking lot staring at the hospital. He had managed to slip out of the house this morning, undetected but now he wondered if he really wanted to go to the hospital on this Monday morning.
For the first time in several weeks, the constant nausea was at a lower, more tolerable level and he decided he actually felt better and more energetic than he had in a long time. He knew that once the radiation started up that it would slowly suck the energy from his body and he would be craving constant naps as well as the other dreaded side effects from abdominal radiation which included frequent trips to the bathroom due to nausea as well as diarrhea.
Tears pooled in his blue eyes. “God, I hate this shit,” he mumbled to himself as he leaned against the car. He wondered why he wanted to do something to himself when he knew in the long run it would only kick his ass and cause him more pain and suffering when he was actually feeling well enough to do something with Aaron before he had to leave again.
His thoughts were humbled when he saw a young girl being assisted by what he assumed was the girl’s mother into the Oncology entrance. Tugging his ball cap over his eyes and taking a deep breath, Nick pushed his body away from the car and trudged toward the entrance.
Nick only had to make eye contact with Gail at the reception desk and she gave him a quick smile and a nod. He then retreated to the farthest area of the waiting room and slumped down onto the padded blue-green patterned chair.
“Then it is true?”
Lowering his magazine, Nick found himself caught in the gaze of a young woman who appeared to be in her middle teens. He narrowed his eyes at her, not sure if she was talking to him.
“I’m sorry, but I saw something on the Backstreet Board last week about you, but I was hoping it wasn’t true,” the girl explained.
Unsure of what to say, Nick shifted his weight in the chair, swallowing nervously, not offering any words.
“They said they saw you at the hospital the other week and how horrible you were looking, oh shit, I’m sorry, I-I didn’t mean to say that.”
Nick continued to stare at the teenager, wishing the floor would open up and swallow him.
“You are Nick Carter, right?”
All Nick could do was bite his lower lip, wondering if there was some way he could escape this girls obession with playing twenty questions in the middle of an Oncology waiting room.
Before the girl had a chance to direct any more opinons about how he looked or what shape he was in, a nurse came to his rescue and motioned for him to follow her through an open door. She never called out his name and for that he was grateful.
“How are you feeling this morning?” the nurse asked over her shoulder as she continued to lead Nick down the large hall.
“Honestly, I feel a lot better than I have in weeks,” Nick admitted. Sighing, he added, “That’s why it was so hard to come here today.”
Stopping outside the men’s dressing room lockers, the nurse used a key opening a door labeled room fourteen. “I’m glad you fought the urge not to come. Gowns are on the top shelf and pants on the bottom. Gown ties up in the back. Take everything off but your socks and tennis shoes. I’ll be back to get you in a few minutes.”
Obediently, Nick slipped out of his clothes putting on the all-too-familiar mandatory hospital gown and pants. Opening the door a slight crack, he saw his nurse walking down the hall towards the room.
“That was good timing,” she smiled as she approached the door. “Follow me please.”
Nick followed the woman like a condemned man being led to the gas chamber. He was two steps behind her, his posture was slouched. He balked when he stood in the doorway, realizing that he had been led to an x-ray room instead of the radiation room. “T-this isn’t wh-where I sh-should b-be going,” he stammered.
“The rad wants new films of your abdomen,” the nurse explained. “It’s for comparision.” Looking at her patient, she could see that her words weren’t sinking in. “You’ve been on chemo so maybe the growth has shrunk and the treatment might not need to be so agressive and he needs to pinpoint where to aim the radiation.”
Reluctantly, Nick laid flat on the bed and shivered when the thin gown did little to provide protection from the coolness. As if his body language told the nurse that he was cold, she was quick to cover him with a fresh blanket from the warmer.
A radiology technician approached the table and slid unexposed films into the holder below the bed. The young girl had a nervous smile on her face.
“I’m going to have to touch you to find your hip,” she announced as she pressed a few inches above the hip bone, moving downwards until she was satisfied that she found her target. Adjusting the machine above Nick’s stomach, she causually told him that he needed to stay completely still.
After she repeated the procedure a few more times, she told Nick that she needed to see if the films came out okay and to stay where he was.
As he laid on the table, Nick could hear voices coming from another room. Conversations from co-workers about what they did that weekend and what they were planning on doing for lunch later today. He couldn’t help but feel the irony of how they were full of life, making plans and yet they worked in a place that was surrounded by death and suffering 24/7.
The technician returned to the room, a large brown envelope in her hands. “I’ll take you down to the treatment room,” she said softly as she approached the x-ray table. Offering her arm, she offered to help Nick up.
As he slowly sat up, he grunted “No, I can manage, thanks.”
Following the young girl towards the door, Nick suddenly stopped. “Hey, can I ask you a question?”
Turning around, she faced him and nodded.
“Would anything that happens here, not like here here but anyplace in the hospital, is there like any chance that stuff gets leaked out to the public?”
The girls eyes widened.
“No, I’m not worried that you’d tell anyone about me. It’s just that this one girl started asking me stuff when I was waiting in the lobby.”
“I take my job very seriously and I know that anyone in the Oncology unit does too. We believe in patient confidentality. I could lose my job if I told anyone anything about a patient. We can’t talk about cases by names to anyone in the hospital unless they are actively involved in treatment and care of the patient.”
“That girl said she read about me on the internet--”
“I know for a fact it couldn’t be from anyone here. It could have been a patient that saw you,” the tech interrupted. “I’m sorry, but you need to get down to the treatment room, they’re expecting you.”
Although he didn’t like the way the young girl ended her side of the conversation, Nick realized he had been lucky up to now about people finding out about him being sick. She was probably offending with him thinking that someone from the hospital had said something to the public.
He followed her down the familiar halls toward the room for radiation, all the time keeping his eyes fixed on the floor avoiding eye contact with anyone he passed.
A short black man took the envelope from the radiology tech. “Good morning Nick, I’m Dr. Reynolds.”
Watching the doctor pop the films into the viewer, Nick stared at the black and white images on the screen, wondering how anyone could understand what was on there.
“I see you’re scheduled to go down for an MRI this morning after this series,” Dr. Reynolds stated as he looked at the films.
“I am?”
“Yes, Dr. Andersen’s office scheduled it for you with instructions that you be accompanied to the room. Must be you have a habit of leaving AMA?”
“No, it’s not that.. I just don’t have time,” Nick replied quietly.
“I see,” the doctor said as he gestured toward the table. “Lay down.”
Nick obediently followed the man’s orders and assumed the prone position on the moving table. Although he realized he wasn’t the only patient that the Oncology Radiation Department dealt with, Nick could never get over the embarrassment he felt when they lifted his gown to expose his bloated stomach.
“Has anyone mentioned about doing tattoos on the stomach for markers?” the man asked as he penciled the areas with a permanent marker.
”NO!” Nick blurted. “I’m not planning on doing this forever!”
“I know how to get to the MRI place, you don’t have to follow me down there.”
“I’m sorry but Dr. Reynolds is making me follow your doctor’s orders. I guess it’s important to make sure you have this test done.”
Nick sighed. “But this is crazy, how many people do you actually lead down to their next appointment?”
“Um... actually, none, but you must be an exception,” the woman defended.
The woman opened the door leading into the MRI waiting lounge and motioned for Nick to walk in.
“Nah, ladies first.”
“Oh no you don’t, you go in before me, I’m not gonna fall for you slipping out of here,” she chided.
Glancing at the hospital gown Nick looked up and rolled his eyes sarcastically. “Oh like I’d get far wearing this?”
“You’re so right there because you can’t get your street clothes out of the locker without a key!”
Groaning, Nick took a seat in the waiting area, keeping his attention focused to the floor. The lounge was packed full of patients, and although Nick tried to keep to himself, he had to look up when a set of feet came into his view along with a pad of paper and a pen.
“Can I get your autograph?”
Glancing up, Nick’s eyes met with a woman, in her early twenties, hair neatly combed, all her make up perfectly applied. “I um, don’t think this is a good time,” he quietly apologized.
“Oh one little signature isn’t gonna kill you, besides, my sister Anna Lisa is a huge fan of you guys,” the woman persisted.
Reluctantly, Nick accepted the pen and the pad of paper and shakily scrawled Nick Carter and handed it back. His hopes of getting the woman out of his face was short lived when she plopped her body down into the vacant seat next to him.
“So, why are you getting an MRI? That’s what you’re getting, isn’t it?”
“I really don’t want to talk about this,” Nick mumbled in reply, glancing over to the window where his escort was standing, visiting with the receptionist, her back to the lobby.
“I’m getting one done for my back, I keep throwing it out and they want to make sure it’s not a disc gone bad,” the girl babbled on. “From what I’ve been hearing I guess yours isn’t something that simple, is it?”
The woman waited a few moments before repeating her question. Nick only shrugged his shoulders for a reply.
“Did you know they are saying you have something seriously wrong? I read that they say you have cancer---”
Nick started rubbing his forehead, trying to block the woman’s screeching voice out of his mind. She kept droning on with her story, talking too loudly in the lobby and people were starting to stare.
“Nickolas?”
Nick nearly jumped out of the chair when his name was called. He was happy to be freed of the woman’s endless questions and the stares of the crowd in the lobby. His escort jerked around when she heard his name being called.
“Hey Meggie, I can take the patient from here.”
“No, doctor wants me to be with him until this is finished, he likes to elope from the procedures.”
“That’s a bad thing,” the other woman scolded.
“I feel so stupid,” Nick admitted as he walked into the room.
“Okay, here’s the buzzer, you press on this if you don’t feel good or you need help, okay? We’ll be in the room over there during the test, it should take about 40 minutes. Are you cold?”
“A little.”
The tech quickly covered Nick up with a blanket from the warmer and he was almost lulled to sleep by the warmth as he was moved into the hollow tube. He hated having MRI’s already, he was thankful he wasn’t clausterphobic.
“Okay Nick, just relax, we’re going to do a series pre-contrast and then we’ll be bringing you out to give you an injection of grandulum.”
Despite the earplugs, Nick could hear the clicks and the ‘jackhammer’ noises from the test. His thoughts wandered and soon he was wondering how his life had gotten to this point. He kept thinking ‘I never did anything bad to anyone, why did I have to get cancer... was there something I don’t know about?’
The noises stopped and the bed was moved back out of the tube, a tech was standing beside the bed wearing a unnecessarily wide smile.
“Okay,” she sighed as she pulled the blanket away from Nick’s arm, “I have to give you a contrast injection.”
“Wouldn’t it be a little easier to go through the port?”
The girl looked at Nick’s face and concern washed over her expression. “Uh, oh ye-yeah, sorry, I forgot about that. Where is it?”
Pulling the collar of the gown off to one side, he exposed the port, avoiding looking at the girl’s face.
“Oh, that’s so much easier,” she stated quietly and Nick was thinking it was to herself. “Okay, you might feel a little warm for a sec.... there, all done. Got your trouble button?”
Holding the skinny white tube up, Nick replied, “Yep.”
“Alrighty, we’ll finish the series with the dye and it should be done soon.”
The tech returned to the viewing room, sighing as she took her seat at the long white counter that faced the MRI equipment. “I can’t believe how dumb I was that I didn’t realize he would have a port.” Her gaze went from the white tube where the patient laid to the television screen monitor that laid out the images as they were being scanned by the machine. Leaning closer to the monitor, the woman squinted her eyes and then widened them. “Oh fuck.”
The drive home from the hospital Nick chose to take in silence. No radio, no distractions, just him alone with his thoughts. The tears in his eyes blurred his vision but cleared each time he blinked.
Nick couldn’t be sure, but he wondered if there was something more in the woman’s eyes after he finished with the MRI this morning. He could have sworn she had been crying but also her bedside manner seemed to change more, treating him like he was a helpless infant when the time came for him to get up from the table and walk back to the patient lockers.
Then there was the girl that cornered him in the Oncology waiting room firing questions at him and then the other person that wanted an autograph as well as answers to questions about cancer and how bad off he was.
Nick felt like the walls were slowly closing in on him. He knew he couldn’t keep the cancer a secret forever, but he wanted more time. To have the fans and the press know about this would be an admittance of defeat and he was not ready to give up just yet. There was too much he still had left to accomplish in his life.
Driving through the gates and up the winding path towards his house, Nick made a decision. He was going to push himself beyond the pain and the fatigue that the cancer seemed to throw at him daily.
After pulling into the garage, Nick cut the engine and held the keys tight in his grasp. He took a quick glance at his pale features in the review mirror.
“Fuck this! You’re gonna beat it!”
Nick entered the kitchen finding AJ seated at the breakfast table, newspaper fanned out. “Nick, where the hell have you been?”
“Are the rest of the guys up?”
“What? No ‘I’m sorry AJ, I didn’t mean to worry you?’ “
Nick tossed a fake smile, jaw clenched.
“Oh so much better,” AJ remarked, lifting a mug of coffee to his lips.
“Are the rest of the guys up yet?” Nick repeated.
“Um, I really don’t know,” AJ replied in a sarcastic tone.
Sighing, Nick threw his hands up in the air. “Screw you.... you’ve never been much help.”
AJ watched as Nick stormed past, toward the living room.
”Brian..... Kev... Howie!”
“Nick, why the hell are you shouting? You’re gonna wake up Aaron. Is something wrong?” Brian whispered.
“I want to go to the studio this morning, we need to record this album.”
“Whoa... whoa, hold on a sec,” Brian demanded, grabbing his friend by the arms, turning his body towards him. He studied Nick’s face, locking his eyes with Nick’s. “Is something wrong?”
Nick looked away from Brian’s gaze. “No, I just want to record. I feel good, lets get this thing going.”
“Nick, look at me,” Brian stated in a firm voice. “Is something wrong? Did something happen this morning?”
Looking down at Brian, Nick swallowed nervously and then in a calm voice he stated, “Everything is fine.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Drop it, okay, there’s nothing to tell you. I had my radiation this morning like a good boy and now I want to go into the studio, is there a crime for wanting that?”
Letting go of Nick’s arms, Brian sighed and shook his head. “Guess not. I’ll go get Howie and Kev and we can leave in about an hour, okay? You can go to your room and lay down, I’ll get you when everyone is ready.”
“I don’t want to lay down. I want to go to the studio.”
Brian could feel the ache in his heart. Something was going on with Nick that he wasn’t sharing and it scared him. Nick was always a hard one to break, but his eyes always gave him away, and what Brian saw he wished he hadn’t. Something was going on and he would get to the bottom of it eventually.
