The wooden blinds on the window made an eerie sound as it scraped against the wall as the warm gulf breeze pushed it’s way into the room. Huddled beneath a thick comforter, Nick peeked out of his cocoon toward the noise, staring at the blinds, watching them gently swing back and forth, allowing light to slip in each time they were pushed out.
He shivered despite the warmth of the blankets, debating on whether he wanted to get up to close the windows. He doubted he could summon up the energy he needed to get up.
All he desired was to sleep. Sleeping seem to be how the majority of his days were spent lately. He couldn’t get enough of it. He would take a few naps in the morning and again in the afternoon only to slip into bed for the night at an early hour.
Instead of promotional tours, Nick’s life was now filled with doctor appointments, trips to the hospital for radiation therapy, chemotherapy and oncology check ups, doctors appointments, meds and naps.
As he laid in bed, Nick wished that the last year of his life had only been a part of some cruel dream; the ever present gnawing pain in his gut told him otherwise. When he had hoped that he was getting better, Dr. Andersen’s words took the wind out of his sails.
”I’m sorry but the cancer has spread and we will have to become more agressive with the chemotherapy and radiation therapy sessions. Just to warn you Nickolas, there will be more hospitalization for you down the road......”
Nick remembered her speaking more to him, but he went numb after the first two sentences. Looking back, he wondered how he kept himself from losing it and bawling in her office when she broke the news he suspected was going to be coming sooner or later. He took it strong in front of her, holding in his tears until he made it back to the safety of his car.
She wanted to start the chemo again that afternoon, but he managed to persuade her to wait a few days until he could take care of matters before starting the chemo again. He knew that this next time around could very well make him sicker than before.
To their fans. There could be no more hiding the cancer. After the car accident and the media coverage and some of the not-so-pretty pictures that were splashed across the newspapers, tabloids and the internet, speculations were running high that something was horribly wrong.
Nick slowly raised himself from the bed and padded to the bathroom across the deep green carpeted floor. Standing in front of the large mirror, brought himself to actually keep his eyes on the image that was reflecting. He had usually turned away from looking at himself not wanting to face the devistating effects that the cancer had done to his body.
Preparing himself for the worst, Nick slipped his shirt off and took a long, hard look at his body. The first thing his eyes fell on was the top of the port that jutted out just below his collarbone. His skin was blotchy and dry and there were signs of a “faded sunburn” from where the radiation had taken place on his stomach.
Placing his hand lightly over the area, Nick was surprised at how hard his stomach felt. For as distended as it appeared, he thought it would have jiggled or gave a little but it was taut, like a balloon. He frowned when he looked further up his chest and then narrowed his eyes, leaning closer toward the mirror.
“Nah, your mind is playing tricks,” Nick mumbled as he stopped his visual inventory, opening a drawer and pulling out the tube of toothpaste.
Scrubbing his teeth as hard as he dared, Nick glanced into the mirror at his face. To him he felt he was staring back at the reflection of a fifty year old man, not the twenty-two year old he was. His eyes looked dull and lacked the spark he used to have, he decided he looked as worn out as he felt.
Spitting the foam into the sink, he once again noticed that it was pink tinged, bleeding gums always the wonderful bonus of the meds he was on for the cancer. Nick stared at his pale complection for a moment before he set about his daily task of gently washing his face. As he reached for the hand towel, a firm knock on the door stopped him momentairly.
“Nick? Are you alright?”
Nick groaned inwardly. He couldn’t have a moment to himself without Brian or someone checking up on him. “Yeah, I’m fine.... I’ll be out in a minute.”
“I just kinda worried when you didn’t answer when I knocked on your bedroom door, that’s all,” Brian said in a hushed tone.
Nick laughed. “I’m not dead yet.”
“Please don’t say that.... ever.”
Cocking his head to one side, Nick could have sworn that Brian sounded hurt. Drying his face off quickly, he opened the door. “Take it easy Bri, I was just kidding.” He could see in his friend’s face that the joke was more than a joke to him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Brian waved him off, taking a slow shaky breath in. “Just don’t ever joke about something like that again, please?”
Nick nodded grinning slightly. The smile faded when he realized that there were so many things that he had to accomplish today before he went back to the hospital for his new, agressive round of chemo and being placed back on the portable pump.
Brian picked up on Nick’s sudden change of expression. “What’s wrong?”
“I need to talk with you guys after breakfast.”
“Okay, what about?”
Nick shrugged his shoulders as he tied a navy blue bandanna around his head. “Just wait until after breakfast, okay.”
Brian didn’t want to let it drop, but he reluctantly didn’t press the subject any further. He was watching Nick for some type of clue as to what type of mood he was in this morning, hoping that maybe he could figure what was going on in his head. Quietly, he followed his baby brother down the back stairs that led to the kitchen.
“Hey! Good morning Nick, you timed it perfectly, breakfast is just about done,” Howie greeted the two men as they entered the room. He paused at the sink, watching Nick open the cupboards that held the medications.
Brian walked around Nick and grabbed the table service, trying to take his mind off the awkward moment of the sounds of the pills being dumped out onto the counter. Some days it would hit Brian hard, so hard that he has had to quickly leave the room before he started to cry.
“Is Kev back from running yet?” Nick asked as he stuck his head in the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water.
“Yeah, he’s in the shower.”
“Where’s Bone? Is he still in bed?”
Howie watched as Nick took a handful of the pills and tossed them into his mouth. “What’s with all the questions this morning Nick?”
Thrusting his head back after he took a hefty drink from the bottle, Nick quickly swallowed the medicine and took another drink to ensure that the pills were washed down. “I want to talk to you guys after breakfast and I need everyone here.”
“AJ got back late last night,” Howie replied quietly.
Nick could tell by the body language that Howie was uncomfortable about something. Arching an eyebrow, he waited for more info on AJ. After a few moments when nothing was offered, he finally asked, “Why was he out so late? Where was he last night?”
Howie laughed nervously. “Well, you know how Bone is. He probably got lost coming back or something I guess.”
“Yeah.... right.” There was anything but agreement in Nick’s reply, it was more of a sarcastic response. “I hope he hasn’t started hitting the bottle again.”
Brian and Howie exchanged glances.
“I’ll go get AJ up,” both men stated simultaneously.
“Whoa.. whoa.. wait a sec, somethings up, spill it guys!”
The two men stopped quickly; Howie running into Brian’s back. Kevin got caught in the middle of the rush and was pushed against the door frame.
“What the hell is going on?” he grumbled as he lifted the towel that was draped around his neck.
“Um, we were on our way to grab AJ, breakfast is ready.”
Rubbing his hair furiously with the towel, Kevin replied under the blue terry clothed veil, “I doubt two of you need to get him up.”
Brian held a hand in the air. “Sh-h-h-h.... I think he’s up,”
“Do you hear him?” Howie whispered.
“No....sh-h-h, can’t you smell the cigarette?”
Nick shook his head. “You’re telling us to be quiet to smell the air? I bet you turn the radio down in the car when you smell something too.”
Brian folded his arms defensively across his chest. “Yeah, so what’s wrong with that?”
“Look who’s here,” Kevin said as he looked over Nick’s shoulder.
Everyone turned toward the direction of Kevin’s gaze. AJ was slumped in his chair at the breakfast table, his hair wilder than ever and his goatee had the hint of a five o’clock shadow growth in the areas that were normally trimmed.
“I just want coffee... black coffee,” he mumbled as he lightly ran a hand across his morning beard.
Shaking his head, Nick sighed feeling that his suspicions were true about AJ clubbing again. He would have to have a lengthy discussion with him later. Right now, judging by the way he looked, AJ was suffering from the wrath of his actions.
An uncomfortable silence hung in the air. The men were anticipating about what Nick had gathered them together to talk about, each wondering in silence. Alone in their private thoughts.
Nick drew in a shaky breath as he looked at the faces in the living room: Brian was nervously spinning a throw pillow between his hands, AJ slouched on the couch, his head tilted back, Kevin sitting in the leather recliner, one long leg folded across the opposite knee, and Howie staring at the coffee cup that was setting on the table, rubbing his hands together as if he were trapped in an Artic wind.
“Okay, I know you’re wondering....” Nick’s voice betrayed him, cracking as he started to speak. Tears filled his eyes and he quickly stopped his speech, swallowing, trying desperately to regain composure. He quickly took his gaze from Brian’s face when his best friend’s eyes were brimming with the same tears that were blurring his vision.
“Take your time Nicky,” Kevin drawled in a soothing voice.
Sighing, Nick tugged at the bandanna on his head and cleared his throat. He decided that it would be best not to look at his brothers and opted to stare down at his legs. “Okay,” he started out again, his voice was still thick with emotion and Nick took another calming breath in. “Shit....”
Fear was twisting Brian’s stomach into knots. Nick had seemed different ever since the day Dr. Andersen showed up at the hospital emergency room. He had seemed distant; detached. He feared that what Nick had to tell them wasn’t going to be good news.
Nick laughed softly, shaking his head, wiping the tears from his cheeks. “I was never good with public speaking.” The silence that filled the room was awkward and uncomfortable. He dreaded telling his brothers the news he was about to lay on them.
Looking up, Nick’s eyes trailed around the room, glancing at each of his friend’s faces. “I’m sorry... this is just so hard for me.” He took another slow breath in, trying to calm his nerves. “Um... you know how they ran all sorts of tests on me at that hospital after the car accident?”
Nick stopped and waited for a acknowledgement from the group. After a few moments when no one responded, he continued. “Some of the tests didn’t come back so good.” From the corner of his eye, he could see Brian’s head snap up. Trying his best to ignore this, he continued. “My Oncology Doctor said that the cancer is spreading and it didn’t look very good.”
“What do you mean it doesn’t look very good? You told me that everything is going to be okay!”
”Bri.... I never said that. All I’ve ever said to you was that I hope everything is going to be okay.”
“So is this new diagnosis the reason why Dr. Andersen has been trying to get ahold of me?”
“She’s been trying to get ahold of you? What did she have to tell you?”
Brian rested his elbows on his knees, cradling his head in his hands. “Nothing yet. We’ve been playing phone tag for the last two days.”
“What the hell is happening with you Nick?” AJ demanded; his voice a harsh whisper.
“Okay, what exactly is going on Nick?” Kevin questioned. “You said it doesn’t look very good.”
“I’m dying.”
“Okay Nick, stop joking about this,” AJ rasped.
As Nick cleared his throat to answer, Howie suddenly stood up and mumbled something inaudible and rushed out of the room toward the kitchen.
“I’ll go to him,” Kevin offered as he quickly eased himself out of the recliner. Half expecting not to find Howie in the kitchen, Kevin was mildly surprised to discover the Latino gripping the edge of the sink with his hands.
“Why do bad things happen to the people I love?” Howie said softly, not taking his eyes from the sink. Kevin stood in the doorway, unsure of what to say. After a few moments, he could see the man’s shoulders noticeably shaking; holding in sobs with the tears he was shedding.
Quietly, Kevin laid a comforting hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Howie?”
“Nick is so much like Caroline. He’s young, he has a full life to live. This isn’t fair!” Howie stopped for a moment, reaching out to take a glass down from the cupboard. “And now Nick says he’s dying.”
Kevin reached out and grabbed Howie’s arm as he held the glass under the tap. “Howie.... don’t...”
Howie jerked his arm from Kevin’s grasp. “Nick needs water.” He turned the water on, busying himself as if it would make things better, ignoring Kevin. “I have to get him some water,” he repeated, wiping the tears off his cheeks.
Feeling helpless over the situation, Kevin quietly followed Howie back into the living room, making quick eye contact with Brian and shrugging his shoulders when Brian mouthed ”What’s wrong?”
“Here, you look like you needed some water,” Howie stated as he offered the glass to Nick.
With a puzzled expression on his face, Nick accepted the glass and set it down on the coffee table. “Kevin, I need you to do me a favor.”
“Anything Nick, just ask and it’s yours.”
“I need you to call the producers at Mtv and ask if we can have a live conference.”
”LIVE?”
“Yeah.. live.”
Brian’s heart sank. The denial that was spinning into overdrive in his mind had slammed into the base of his skull. To ask for a live conference could only mean that what Nick was saying was true. “Isn’t there something else we could do about this Nick? Postphone the conference?”
“I would if I could, but time isn’t really on my side anymore,” Nick sighed.
“You sound like you’ve given up,” AJ spat. “How can you just give up on us?”
“I’m not giving up,” Nick countered. “I’m accepting reality.”
“Without a fight? Nick, you can’t stop fighting!”
“I’m tired.”
Tears started flowing down Brian’s cheeks. “Is this what Dr. Andersen told you to do? To give up?”
Nick shook his head negatively.
“Then why are you so quick to give up?” Brian demanded.
“We’re just buying time Brian. That’s all I’m getting now is just a little more time. What I have can’t be cured. I’m only going to get worse. You have to accept this.”
”I WON’T ACCEPT THIS!”
“What’s the rush then Nick? How about we give this some more time,” Howie asked in a soft voice.
Nick rubbed his hand slowly over his face. “Because if I do what Dr. Andersen wants I doubt I’ll be able to sit in front of a camera let alone get out of bed.”
This peaked Brian’s interest and he trained his gaze onto his pale friend’s face. “What does she want Nick.”
“She wants the chemo upped higher and more agressive rad. It’s just going to buy time and now I don’t know if I really want this.”
“Jesus,” AJ mumbled.
“Did you talk to your folks yet?” Kevin questioned.
“Yeah and they want me to go to them.”
“You should.”
Nick shook his head. “No, not right now. Maybe later, but not right now. I need to take care of things before I make that commitment.”
“And Jane and Bob were okay with this?”
Nick allowed a small laugh escape. “No, not particularly but they understood and they told me they respected my wishes. I expect them to show up on my doorstep probably by the end of the week knowing them.”
“Nick?”
“Yeah Bri?”
“Please don’t give up. I believe in miracles and God is going to get sick of me praying for this one so He’ll give up and help us out. Tell me you’ll do what Dr. Andersen wants you to do. I’ll do anything you ask me. I’m never gonna leave your side through this. I promise.”
“All of us are,” Kevin chipped in.
A slight grin tugged at Nick’s mouth. His eyes were glistening with unshed tears. “Thanks guys, I appreciate it.” He paused for a moment and sighed softly. “Kev, see if you can get it for tomorrow afternoon if it’s possible.”
“I’ll try my best Kaos.”
“I’m going to go lay down now.”
With that, Nick left the room, back towards the room he had been spending more time lately. His bedroom, sleeping, his escape from the cruelness of reality.
