Ever since Nick was a young kid he had done his best to always give one hundred percent in everything he did. There had been times when he had been so sick that he had almost fainted on stage or his throat had been so sore that he had thought he couldn't sing a note, much less a whole song. Yet he had always managed to find a way to cope with the situation and the words "The Show Most Go On," was something that he kept in mind all the time.
Today however he had broke down. He hadnīt managed to live by that rule and he had shown himself weak in front of his own brother. The image of Aaron's frightened expression haunted him like a bad nightmare. Aaron had been on the verge of a breakdown and his own heart ached when he thought of how miserable the teen had looked. He had done his best to try to act causal but the pain in his stomach had finally gotten too much and he couldnīt keep the hurt away any longer. In the corner of his eye he had witnessed how devistated Aaron had become when his body couldnīt hold down the nausea any longer and the sickness won the battle. Luckily AJ and later Kevin had been there for him and he didnīt dare to think of what the consequences would have been if they wouldnīt have been there for him.
To tell the truth the way he was feeling lately it was scaring the hell out of him and he detested the weakness and helplessness that seemed to have taken over his body. He felt defeated.
There was no way he could any longer hide the fact that a fatal disease was growing in his cells, making him feel worse every day. The secret that he had harbored for so long would soon be out in the public and part of him wished that the press conference was over with. Kevin had called management and rescheduled it to the next week. Nick just hoped that he would be in a condition to deal with it since he knew that tomorrow he would be in for another session. Dr Andersen had told him that they were going to be more agressive with the chemo, more than it had been the last time.
Tomorrow he would also find out the test results of the biopsy and he dreaded for the answer. What if it was bad? Could he take another bad result? He wasnīt so sure of it. Even though he was only 22 he sometimes felt like an 80 year old. The time since he found out about the cancer seemed years ago and at the same time it felt like yesterday. His stomach was hurting constantly and the tiredness in his bones was making it hard for him to stay up longer periods of time and it would be even worse with the treatments.
A shiver ran down his spine. The prospects of receiving more chemo and radiation treatments didnīt seem too tempting and if it wasnīt for Aaron heīd told the doctors to stop the sessions. He didnīt want to be plagued with more gruesome stuff that made him sicker than a dog. Baldheaded, throwing up, wracked with fever and chills wasnīt his idea of what a life was all about. If his future would be like that he would rather end it. Here and now.
During his darkest moments Nick had seriously thought of committing suicide. It would spare so much pain for all parts, yet he didnīt go through with it. Deep inside he wanted nothing more than to live although it hurt so much and he felt on the verge of a catastrophy all the time.
Depression was something that had often hounded him during the past years and when he had been most down the thoughts of ending his life had crossed his mind. But everytime he had felt that down one of the guys or his family and been there for him and he had managed to get himself up from the dumps. He knew that alot of people would have a hard time understanding why he could feel so down at times. After all he was a world famous celeb that could have anything that he wanted. He had fame, money, all the girls that he wanted. He was on top of his life, living the life that everyone but himself dreamed about. All he wanted was to be an ordiary man. To go to college, living a life like the most of the world did, not being a star. All those dreams were now flushed down the toilet. They were crushed down to pieces ever since he found out of the disease that were slowly destroying his body.
Loneliness was something that also plagued him. Especially during the last tour, Black and Blue, he had felt out of place. Like he didn't belong anywhere. The tour had been very strenuous both physically and mentally and all the guys had their partners, even Howie.
On all other tours they had traveled together in one tour bus, this one however the rest of the guys had wanted a bus of their own and Nick had been out voted. He loved traveling with the guys, loved sharing his life with them and now they were all locking him out. It made him feel more lonley than before. He turned more and more to drinking and partying and the more he drank the worse it got. It was like an endless evil circle, never stopping.
The guys had been drifting further and further away from each other. The invitable was happening since they wanted to live their own seperate lives. Brian was busy with Leighanne and both Kevin and AJ had their women too. Howie had many side projects such as building a hotel and Nick didnīt see where he would fit in at all. There had been some serious talk about the group splitting up, the guys going their seperate ways and even if Nick had dreaded the day he was more and more starting to realize that it was becoming a reality. Afraid that he would not be in the business anymore he started to work on his solo album and was determinded to work on his own.
But life wanted it different.
Cancer came along, ripping his plans apart. Ironically the day he told the guys about his disease was the beginning for a new start for them. It changed. The guys were becoming more focused of what was important in their lifes and they grew stronger both as individuals, but also as a group.
The album they worked on was coming along fine. The ups and downs in the band had them to mature as artists and many of the songs were written straight from the heart. Not manifactured like was the case on other albums. AJ had written a song about how he dealth with his drug abuse. The song was so strong emotionally that there were tears in Nick's eyes upon listening to it. The album was going to be a success, that he was sure of, he just hoped that he would be there to enjoy it.
"Nick?" A voice piereced through his thoughts, turning his attention to the door where his little brother hovered. For a moment his eyes met Aaron and he could tell that the teen was very nervous, biting his lip and fingering nervously on the door post.
"Hey kiddo," Nick said softly, not knowing what to say and do. Aaron seemed frightened for him and the last thing he wanted was the cancer to scare his brother away. Sitting up straighter in the bed, he patted to the seat next to him. "Here bro, come and sit down."
The boy hesitated for a moment before walking with slow steps toward the bed. He stopped to look at the bucket that had been placed next to the bed and Nick hastily pushed it away, out of sight. He blushed slightly. "Sorry."
"You..you feeling any better?" Aaron asked, licking his lips as his eyes nervously flicked around in the room. His voice was hoarse and Nick noticed that he had been crying. The face all red and blotchy.
"Yeah buddy I am."
"Mhmm.." The teen didnīt looked like he believed his older brother yet sat down on the bed in silence.
This was so out of normal when it came to Aaron. Usually the kid was like an energy ball, jumping around being as crazy as Nick had been at the same age, and still when the disease wasnīt taxing him out. Now the boy seemed very serious, almost like he was on a visit at a strangers house. "So you stopped puking then?" then he asked much more to break the silence then to make an actual conversation.
"Yeah I have." Nick knew that he wasnīt being very talkative but the sad look at his little brother's face made him at unease. He didnīt like it when Aaron was acting this gloomy and it made him feel even worse when he knew that the teen was acting this way because of him. He wanted to hug his bro, telling him that everything would turn out just fine..yet he remained motionless.
"Does your stomach still hurt?" Aaron was talking with certain hesitation, like he was afraid what Nick would say as an answer.
Calming his brother down Nick mumbled, "No..Iīm fine."
"Ok."
They sat in silence for a while, brothers to brothers staring at any other place than each other. Aaron seemed very uncomfortable with Nick's presecense and it made the older man want to appologize for his own sickness. "Iīm sorry."
"For what?" Aaron looked up at Nick for the first time, his eyes brimming with tears. "Itīs not like you can help being sick."
He sounded so mature, yet so fragile and Nick wanted the pain to stop. The pain in watching how Aaron was slowly falling apart. It was the last thing Nick wanted and his mind thought desperately up something to say to cheer him up.
Suddenly he had an idea.
Leaning an arm around Aaron's shoulder he said, "Hey Kiddo, what do you say if we are going on a boat together tomorrow? You know you and me, sailing out on the bay."
Aarons face lit up. "You mean it?" he asked like he didnt believe what his brother was saying.
"Yeah, hell letīs go out with my beauty. Just relaxing, enjoying the sun for a while. Fishing. You know like we used to do when we were younger." Nick smiled.
"You sure you can do it?"
A bit surprised over the comment Nick answered, "Mhmm..why wouldnīt I?"
The teen's face darkened for a moment, "But..eh you know..eh..youīre sick and all."
"So?" Nick set his eyes into Aaron's who turned his attnetion away. "Uh..what if..what if you get sick?" The boy was having a hard time finding his words and this was making the older man feel even worse, mentally.
"I wonīt!"
"But what if?" Aaron demanded.
"There is no ifs," Nick countered, "I wont get sick, period." He felt a bit annoyed over Aaron's reaction. Why did the kid have to bring up such things when he was offering some fun for them to do?
"Ok." There was a brief silence before Aaron continued, "But donīt you have a doctor's appointment tomorrow?"
'Fuck!' He hadnīt remembered it while presenting the idea, but there was no way that he would miss taking Aaron out for a ride. "Iīll cancel it."
Aaron looked up, suddenly fright evident in his tone. "No you canīt. What if they get mad?."
A bit surprised over the sudden outburst, Nick shook his head. "They wonīt..besides screw 'em." He ginned. "I have plenty of time to go to the doctor but not enough time to spend time with you." He chuckled slightly as he tousled Aaron's hair. "You know that I love you donīt you squirt?" The laughter was gone, replaced with seriousness.
"Yeah, I know." Aaron was silent for a while before adding, "and I love you too bro." With that they hugged each other tight. Never wanting to let go.
