As Nick slowly opened his eyes, his first thoughts were ‘what hotel was am I in’ which immediately was replaced with ‘who’s that girl sitting in the chair by my bed.’ He quietly put a hand up to his face, rubbing his eyes.
“Are you feeling okay, sweetheart?”
“Huh?” ‘God my voice sounds like hell......’ Nick thought as he cleared his throat.
Jane was quick to stand beside the bed, a cool hand laid on his cheek. “I asked if you were feeling okay, do you need something for the pain?”
Dazed, Nick had a hard time grasping what his mother was asking.
“You always were a heavy sleeper....I guess you’re not quite awake yet.” She quietly fussed with the blankets and took away a white foam cup that was sitting on the bed stand, placing it ontop of the small dresser that was next to the bed. Nick watched her movements, not uttering a sound.
“Honey, do you want something to drink?”
Gently rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Nick managed a slight nod. Jane took the white cup and walked over to the sink, running the water for a few moments.Too tired to talk, Nick just watched his mother. He was getting his bearings and everything came back to him quickly - everything including the sharp pain from the surgery and the ever-present nausea.
“Here you go,” Jane stated as she offered the straw to Nick’s lips.
Just as Nick sipped on the water, a nurse entered the room, armed with IV bags and other equipment.
“No... no, you can’t have that yet Nick,” she stated in an apologetic voice.
Jane pulled the straw out of Nick’s mouth. “He’s thirsty, I thought he could have some water.”
“Ice chips, he had intestinal surgery so he has to work his way up to fluids,” the nurse advised as she placed the load she was carrying onto the bed table. “I’ll go get you some ice in a moment.”
“I’m sorry, gosh, I didn’t mean to do something that would hurt him....” Jane apologized as she stepped away from the bed.
“It won’t hurt him, don’t worry,” the nurse said reassuringly. “Hey, Becca, can you bring some icechips in here for Mr. Carter?”
Jane jerked when the nurse called out to another woman.
“Oh, sorry... did I startle you?”
Jane pasted a thin smile on her face as she rubbed her arms. “It’s okay.” She watched as the nurse replaced the nearly empty IV bags with fresh ones on the two poles, charting what she had done on a clipboard that held green and white striped paper.
“Gosh, he really has a lot of those things,” she commented nervously, glancing over at her son. Nick hadn’t spoken when the nurse appeared in the room, he only kept drifting in and out of sleep.
Snapping on a pair of latex gloves, the nurse swabbed off the top of a bottle of clear fluid. “It’s time to flush your j-line, Nick.”
“J-line?” Jane questioned.
“His J-tube,” the nurse stated, only to notice that her patient’s mother still didn’t understand what she was talking about. “His feeding line?” She pulled the covers off to one side and lifted the gown to expose the area on his side where the tube was sticking out.
Seeing the orange tipped tube barely sticking out of her son’s side, Jane felt her knees go weak.
“Do you need to sit down?”
Jane swallowed hard, shaking her head. “No.... I’m fine, I guess I wasn’t expecting to see something like that.”
The dark haired nurse looked at her with concern in her eyes. “Are you sure?”
Jane nodded yes. “I’m fine.”
The nurse swabbed the end of the tube with a fresh alcohol pad and not missing a step, took a large syringe and injected a clear fluid into the vial. After she was done, she inserted the needle into the tube and pushed the fluid into the j-tube.
As the nurse was doing this, Jane watched Nick’s face to see if this was causing him any pain or discomfort. He appeared to be sleeping.
“Does that hurt him when you do that?” she wondered.
“No... no, maybe he feels a little discomfort at first because of the new surgery, but nope, he doesn’t feel pain from that.”
Jane watched as the nurse attached a clear bag with a dirty-white looking substance on a hook, threading the tube through another IV pump. Then she expertly inserted the end of the tube into another tube where a needle was at the end.
“What is that for?” Jane asked quietly.
“This is Nick’s breakfast and lunch,” the nurse commented as she inserted the needle into the j-tube.
“I thought that other large bag was for that,” she commented as she gestured toward the bag that emptied into the central line in Nick’s thigh.
“His central line is also for nutrients.”
“But why does he have to have this too?”
“Well, because he will spend most of his time with the increased chemo struggling with the nausea and decrease in appetite and he needs nourshiment to build up his strength again.”
“So this is something he will have to keep coming back to the hospital for?”
“No, he will be learning to do this himself in a day or two.”
Jane looked at the device and then down at her sleeping son. “Nick? I honestly cannot see Nick doing something like this.”
“You’d be surprised what he’ll do Mrs. Carter,” the nurse smiled. “Call when he wakes up again, I doubt his ice will still be there.” With that, the nurse left the room.
Blinking back tears, Jane stoked Nick’s cheek while she looked wistfully at her sleeping son. “I can’t believe this had to happen to you,” she whispered softly. “I’m so sorry baby.”
Bob Carter walked out towards the dock to join his younger son. Aaron had been sitting alone for over an hour and the older man was starting to grow a bit concerned. The only movements Aaron had made was to occassionally throw stones into the water from where he sat; a small pile had been conveniently placed next to him.
“Hey kiddo.....thought you’d like some company,” Bob called out as he approached. Aaron only glanced up when his father approached and quickly turned his attention back to the white caps on the gulf.
The wind had been playfully tugging at the young teen’s blonde hair causing Aaron to occasionally push the hair from his eyes with his hands.
“What cha thinking about?”
Aaron squinted as he looked over at his father, shrugging his shoulders. “I dunno, just junk I suppose.”
Bob leaned back on the dock and tilted his head toward the sky. “Just junk? I see....what kind of junk?”
Again Aaron shrugged. “Stupid stuff I guess.”
As the older man sat patiently for Aaron to talk, only the crashing of the waves and the squawking of the sea gulls interrupted the silence that hung between the two.
“Your mom told me about what you said this morning....”
Aaron’s head jerked up.
“It’s okay...”
“No it’s not..... I didn’t want anyone to know, God, I feel awful and now you know about it too,” Aaron tearfully interrupted.
“Calm down, son, you don’t have to get upset about it. It’s alright, I understand,” Mr. Carter stated in a calm voice. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Aaron rubbed and turned the rock he held in his hand over and over. “I dunno, I feel kinda funny telling anyone....”
“It might make you feel better,” Bob encouraged.
“I should have went today but I just couldn’t dad, and I’m a horrible person for not wanting to go.” Aaron paused, waiting to see if his father would stop him. After a few moments, he started pouring his feelings out. “I guess I’m having a hard time looking at Nick right now. It’s like it’s not really him at all. He’s so weak and he’s tired and sick most of the time. I’m mad at him for being sick like this, it’s not fair. I’m mad at him and I hate God for doing this to him!”
“You know it’s natural to be angry with Nick for getting sick and it’s normal for feeling anger toward God for this too, but God didn’t make Nick sick, it’s hard to explain, but I know it isn’t something that God did.”
“Howie said that to me too.”
“See, now if Howie said that you know he of all people would understand that.”
“Yeah, well I think that’s why Howie wanted to stay here today too. I think it makes him think of his sister when he sees Nick sick like this. I’m his brother though, I shouldn’t be this way, Nick needs me and I can’t face him. I’m scared of him I guess.”
“It scares me too. I couldn’t believe how Nick looked yesterday. It was a shock to your mother and I, but Aaron, we have to believe that the doctors are doing everything they possibly can to cure Nick and to keep him alive. We can’t give up hope.”
“I know dad, but I just can’t stand this anymore.....why can’t things be like they used to be?”
Bob placed a comforting arm around Aaron. “They will in time.....we have to believe that.”
Slowly opening his eyes, Nick tried to focus on the figure in the chair next to his bed. After several tries, he finally could see his mom slumped over to one side, a book folded underneath her arms.
As Nick looked at his mother, he couldn’t help but think how much older she appeared to him. The soothing memories of her when he was younger flooded back to him. He remembered when he was about six years old how she helped him learn how to ride his bike on his own. She had convinced him in her own sweet ways that she was holding onto the back of the bike and wouldn’t let go but before he knew it, she was standing at the top of the drive and he was all by himself and she was cheering and clapping.
The first time she actually listened to him when he sang for her..... her eyes were teary and her hands were clasped. The praise that she showered on him that day were numerous. The love she gave him that day seemed endless.
Things changed as he grew older and joined Backstreet. He became busier with his career and when Aaron’s starting taking off, he saw less and less of his mom. As he gazed at her, he knew that her love was still neverending. He felt sorry that it had to be this way that got her to see him again.
As Jane shifted in the chair, still sleeping, the book slipped out of her arms, falling to the floor. She jerked awake, startled by the noise. Looking over toward Nick, she was surprised to see him awake.
“I’m sorry, did that wake you?” she asked as she bent over to retrieve the fallen object.
Nick managed a small smile. “No.”
“You must have just woken up then,” she stated as she stood up, smoothing the wrinkles from her shirt.
“Ma, why don’t you go back to my house?”
“Nick, I’m staying here with you, I hardly get to see you anymore.”
“But I sleep most of the time anyway.”
“That’s fine too, you need your rest,” Jane asserted.
“And you need yours too.”
“Did you want your ice chips now?”
Nick smiled. “Yes, but don’t change the subject.”
Jane quickly bent over and lightly kissed her son on the cheek, a little shocked by the warmth of his skin. “I’ll go get you some.”
Before Nick could say anything, Jane was out of the room. As much as he hated to admit it to himself, he knew that her being there and being with him was her way of making up for him living on the road all those years and more importantly her way of blocking out the certainty of the cancer and what could possibly be his last year of his life.
