Swollen Issues III - Chapter 41

"Mr. Carter itīs time to get up!"

Irritated over that the offending intruder didn’t take his hint when he refused to open his blue eyes, he automatically flailed with his arm. "Go away." But the person was either stupid or deaf since he made no move to get out of Nick’s face. In his amost unconscious mind he decided that it had to be Brian. No other person could disturb him so much in the mornings when all he wanted was to get to sleep late at least for once in his hectic life. He felt another shake and groaned loudly. Unhappily.

If there was one thing he disliked it was being woke up in the mornings, especially when he had just gone to bed after a long and hectic night. "Leave me alone.." he grumbled, gripping his pillow in vain attempt to block out any unwanted sounds. "GO!"

But the person in the room showed no such signs of giving up and he could feel his blanket getting tugged at. Damn. This was just getting to be too much. "Bri!!" he whined, "just leave me alone...pleaaaseee!!!" Now he was begging too. He was so tired....so damned tired that it felt like he could sleep for a whole year and still not be wellrested. In his haze he was suddenly back in Europe. Back in a small hotel room in some European city on one of their earlier promotional tours. Under the "wonderful" management of Mr. Pearlman.

They had been going on for more than 36 hours straight and Nick was so tired that all he wanted to do was to drop on the bed and sleep the whole day away. Yet he was refused to do so since they had to be up for yet another interview, or yet another concert. He was on the verge of exhaustion and between the tears he swore that when he became older he would do nothing but sleep. Ironically it appeared like his deepest wishes had finally come true since all he did these days was sleep.

A small chuckle was heard and the sound caught Nick’s attention. Still not fully awake. What was that? A woman in the room with him? His mind felt too jumbled to think straight and his first thought was that he had picked someone up last night then forgot about it. Unless Brian had gotten a sex change operation but then that was more Howie’s or even Kevin’s weird ways... Still in the land of dreams he tried to open his eyes to look at whoever was staying with him, but his eyes felt heavy like lead. Finally he managed to pry them open and with blurry vision he stared into a pair of blue eyes belonging to a beautiful brunette woman dressed in white...

His thoughts suddenly reeled like a speeding train. Why was she dressed like a nurse? What kind of sexual games had he played and not remembered anything from it? Exactly howdrunk had he gotten?

Judging from the parching dryness in his throat as well as the strange full feeling in his stomach and the impending headache it must have been a pretty wild and wet night. In more ways than one. He was about to ask her what her name was again when the woman straightened up and stood tall next to him. "So you’re awake now," she said with a smile before moving over to pull the curtains aside.

With a frown he watched how his illusion, his dream, vanished and he was once again thrown back to reality. Back in the hospital room with a middle aged woman looking over at him and the sun shining much too bright into the room. Mentally he scolded himself. How could he be so stupid that he thought he was back on tour again? Back to his old living?

It was yet another day in the life of Nick Carter. A day that would hopefully not suck as much as the last one had. Fat chance. By the look on the nurse’s face he knew he was soon due for another round of poking and prodding. Like a freaking guinea pig! This was a life so far away from the glamour he experienced with the Backstreet Boys. At least to some extent. Back a year or two his life was also filled with trouble and drugs but a whole different sort than what was pumping through his veins these days. Now it was chemo and anti nausea medication; then it was powder and booze.

"Did you sleep well?" the nurse suddenly asked, startling him from his own thoughts.

"Mmmmphfff," he grumbled, leaning his face once more against the pillow in a vain attempt to block out the sun that was shining into the room. The bright light hurt his eyes not to mention his head. "Can you please shut the blinds," he muttered with disgust. "I want it dark."

"A little sun will do you good, Mr. Carter. It will give a healthy look into those pale cheeks," she said with a thick southern accent, pulling at the curtains to oblige her patient. "Better?"

There was no answer. Instead Nick sighed heavily. "So what kind of freaked out experiment are you gonna do on me today?" he asked crisply.

The nurse snickered. "My..my someone must have woken up on the wrong side today."

Bitch! Rolling his eyes, he put his pillow over his head. It was his shelter. His shield from the world outside. The nurse continued to check his IV line, "Youīre not very talkative today," she remarked.

He groaned. Why couldnīt they just be quiet and leave him alone? Hadnīt he done enough of share in his time trying to be cheerful and talkative in the past? What was so bad with a silent Nick?

"Is something the matter?" The brunette hovered over him with a frown and he could feel her tugging at his pillow. "Do you feel sick?"

"No..just tired." He still hadnīt moved an inch. It was if he laid there perfectly still, unmovable like a vegetable, they wouldnīt pay him that much attention and hopefully in the end forget about him. This would in turn lead up to that he didnīt have to do any of those hateful tests that sent his nerves spinning. But deep inside he knew that his wishes were futile. They would soon perform tests on him like he was some kind of freakshow.

He knew he was being in a foul mood but he didnīt think it was wrong since anyone that had to be cooped up in this small hospital room would go beserk. All he wanted to do was to leave this hell hole and get a decent meal and sleep in his own bed. Was that too much to ask for?

For the first time for what felt like ages his stomach hadnīt made any threats to escape and all that was left was tiredness and that nasty headache. It was bad but he had endured much more while trying to sing his heart out in front of thousands of fans. It was nothing that a few Tylenol couldnīt cure. He hoped.

Biting his lip he thought about how miserable he felt. Mentally. It was a week today since he had the surgery and now he was ready to leave. To be with his friends and family instead of wasting valuable time. He didnīt want to perform any more tests since no matter what the results would show he felt like his days were numbered and the time he had left he wanted to spend with family and friends instead of counting tiles on the ceiling.

"Nick I know that you donīt like the tests but they are for your own good," cooed the nurse, tugging at his pillow. Not answering he held onto his "shield" even harder and this had the nurse grunt with displeasure. "Mr. Carter let go off the pillow. You are NOT a baby." The words hit hard and instantly he let go of his safety net. Wiping the tears that had escaped down his cheeks with the back of his hand he glared up at the nurse, half expecting her to scold him about how immature he was acting. When no such thing came and instead she showed a worried frown he became actually scared. Was he so bad of that he wasnīt worth yelling at anymore?

A cool hand felt his forehead briefly, and before he had time to react a thermometer was placed in his ear. "What?" he asked when he saw the concern shining in the woman’s eyes.

"Shhh..itīs nothing," the nurse with the nametag Lucette said with a soft smile. "Itīs probably nothing. You lay still and this wonīt take long."

Nick nodded. This was ONE proceure he was pretty used to and all he could do was thank his lucky stars that the hospital didnīt stuck the devices in his mouth or even worse in a place where the sun didnīt shine very often. He must have dozed off a couple of minutes before the next thing he knew was Lucette taking the digital temp out, scanning it with eyebrows that furrowed worse than Kevin’s. He felt a sudden urge to tell her that she looked like his older friend but something in that topic told him that it wouldnīt be too wise. Especially since she looked at him with a hint of sadness.

Watching her scribble down some figures on his journal pad he asked, "A fever?"

"Mmmm.." she delayed her answer, "Youīre running a slight temperature." With a frown she continued, "Youīre sure that youīre not experiencing any pain? Nausea?"

"Yes!" God she could be so annoying. Didnīt he say that he felt fine before? Ok fine could be relative since being on a chemo never left you feeling one hundred percent but then when had he ever felt that way in the past. Not very often since there were always one germ waiting to attack him after the last had run itīs course. AJ called it the Nick curse! He was so sick and tired of everyone question his judgement. Gosh, he tought he was old enough to decide when he felt like hell but apparently not. If it wasnīt for the guys questioning if he should really go to that club instead of being at home nursing a cold it was some stupid nurse in a stupid hospital that didnīt believe him when he said he felt fine. It was the truth. That is if you didnīt count the headaches..but these he was getting so used to that he barely registered them anymore.

Even if the whole situation annoyed the hell out of him he had to grin slightly. Maybe the guys were right after all. That his sense of judging his own health was a bit torn in the sides since once when he had chills he had complained that there was no heat on the bus just to discover moments later that he was running a fever of 103 and that it was in the middle of the summer.

"Dr. Andersen will soon come and talk to you," the nurse informed, cutting through his thoughts like a knife. Once again he was jerked back to reality.

"Uh huh."

What was the doctor going to do this time? More poking and prodding? Shutting his eyes he tried to make clear that he wasnīt up for any conversation, but Lucette seemed to have other things on her mind. "Mr. Carter itīs time for your feeding and then you might want to use the bathroom."

Instantly his eyes snapped open. No more J-feeding crap! "I donīt want to." He whined like a kid.

"What donīt you want?" Lucette asked from where she was preparing to give him some of that feeding stuff.

"That!" He pointed towards the yellow diarrhea like substance. "It makes me sick!" His tone was hard and annoyed and the nurse couldnīt neglect the disgust that filled his voice.

"Itīs for your own good."

"Urgh.." He shook his head, sounding and looking like a three year old that wanted to eat on his own. "I want something to eat. Something solid!" It wasnīt with mild surprise that he heard himself utter these words. There were pains in his stomach, but not that kind of pains that he had associated with the disease. No this was different..more like hunger pains and this was something he hadnīt felt in a very long time. Looking at the nurse with a stern look he continued, "I want a hamburger!"

A smile lit up on the nurse face. "So Mr. Carter is finally asking for food. You must be doing better then."

"Yes.." His face suddenly lit up. "Can you do something about it? Get me a Micky Dīs? or even better a pizza?" He looked at her with sad puppy dog eyes, "Pleaaaseeee???"

A chuckle was heard. "No I think you better lay off the hamburgers for a while but Iīll see what I can do about the solids." Preparing the sterile bag she looked at him, "I will talk with Dr. Andersen and then we see what we can do about it. Good enough?"

Moaning Nick looked at her, still trying to give her to look that he knew had thousands of females falling in front of his feet with the slightest twitch, "Awww come on..just a tiny little piece of pizza." He smiled at her, "I wonīt tell anyone..promise."

The smile that worked on so many didnīt seem to work on this hard necked woman and she said with a smile, "No Mr. Carter you will have to do with Jello for the time being." A groan was heard from the bed before she continued, "But for now I will give you this." Holding up the large syringe she prepared to give him his breakfast.

If there was one thing he had learned throughout the years was when he had lost a game and this time he knew he was the looser. With a sigh he said, "Ok Jello will do for now...but please hurry I wanna taste something edible not this crap!" Never in his life he had thought his mouth was salivating over something as disgusting as jello. But the sheer thought sent his tastebuds into high spin. He would eat just aboout anything to get of this J-feeding tube and that included anything to jello and ensure.

"What a bunch of crap," Nick muttered to himself as he kept flipping through channels on his remote control. The day was filled with soap operas and talk shows and if he had to endure one more Ricky Lake or Ophra he was sure he would barf. Not that he didnīt like the hostess, no they were both pretty cool and he had met them several times in the past. It was more the way people revealed everything in their life just to get a spot in the limelight.

He wasnīt much of a tv man, more into movies. The only time he actually watched a tv show longer than a few minutes was when he was sick or plain exhausted to do anything but slouch on the coach or being on the road and had nothing better to do. Today two out of three options was fullfilled and he was bored out of his skull.

If his life had sucked in the morning it was nothing compared to what it sucked in the afternoon. His doctor had come to talk to him earlier on and all hope that he would be put on solids had quickly dimished when he spiked a fever a couple of hours ago. It wasnīt bad and he felt actually pretty good, laying in bed under a blanket, having nurses come in now and then to look him over. There was posítive stuff about running a fever also since the hated bone marrow tests he was scheduled to have later on in the afternoon had been cancelled until the next day when he was hopefully free of fever.

Through blurred eyes he watched how a blue haired girl bawled her eyes out over at Ricky Lake. Her boyfriend had dissed her for her aunt of sixty and now he was declaring that they were going to get married. She was so mad that she even threatened to kill his dad. It was all so absurd that Nick had to laugh. They were all making an ass out of themselves, and for what? A few minutes of fame. "It ainīt worth it honey. Trust me," he muttered to himself when she threatened to kill herself. Live. He knew what he was talking about since he had lived half of his life inside the Backstreet "bubble". There had been lots of ups and downs in his life and much was because the business he was in. There were times when he lived and breathed fame into his every pore and there were times when he was so sick of it that all he wanted to do was puke. The business was hard and there had been times when he decided it was not worth all the shit he had been going through. But everytime he felt like that he was reminded of what was making him stay in this business.

The fans!

There was nothing more fullfilling than performing infront of people that loved what you were doing. Loved the music. He had seen more than one time what incredible stuff that could happened. Heīd met children, sick with cancer who told them that they were the only reason for living. Heīd listened to girls telling him that when they put on the music it was like it cured loneliness. At one time a girl had told him that she was on the verge of committing suicide but then heard the song show me the meaning of being lonely and stopped her actions. That time Nick had been really shook up and he had gone straight to the hotel room to think. The guys had asked him what was wrong but heīd refused to answer. This was much too big and important just to be joked away moments later.

Running a hand over his face he felt fatigue set in. The fever that was running in his veins, combined with the chemo he was receiving was making him weak so he shut the tv off. Rolling to his side he stared into the peagreen wall for a moment. There had been so much happening in his life. So much more than he had ever revealed to the public. Shutting his eyes he mentally decided that if he was to end his life here and now he would still not regret anything. He had lived fully and that was more than he could say about people that were old.

Live fast, die young. This was a motto he decided to live by. To the fullest. All the way to the bitter end.