Dr Andersen knocked softly on her patients door before entering the room. Noticing the nurse that were tending to the morning duties she asked, "How has the night been?"
"Very good Dr. Mr Carter has been asleep most of the time. Only woke up a couple of times to cough but then fell asleep immediatly."
"That is good news," she smiled at the young nurse and then added, "You can go now Mary. I will tend to him." With that the nurse finsihed checking his IV and the left the room hastily. Once she was alone in the room she walked up to the bed, watching her patient snoring away. He looked so peaceful where he laid that she felt almost bad for having to wake him up.
Nick was covered from head to toe under his cover and he was sleeping on his side with the sheet drawn as far up as possible. Pulling the sheet aside she felt a sting of affection, watching the pale, vanurable man infront of her. Cancer had a way of making its victim look sick and haggard, almost lifeless, but even bald and white as a sheet he was still handsome and she was sure that both of her teenage daughters could do anything to go on a date with him. Smiling at that thought she called out "Goodmorning Nick."
A soft grunt but no signs of waking up.
Heīd been through so much these past weeks and it was almost a miracle that heīd pulled through in the way that he did. The tubes taht had been attatched to him for several days, making him breath better, had been taken off and his condition seemed to improve so much that he was stable for the time being. The lungs had cleared out pretty good and they were healed in a miraculary way, almost like someone was out there watching for him. Making sure that he would be allright. She knew that he had really been through the wringer while having the surgery and the surgent in charge had told her that they had been so afraid that they had lost their patient when his heart suddenly started to beat again. Dr Andersen wasnīt religious but it was at these times she felt that there were something out there to protect them.
The reason for her to come to check on her patient wasnīt purely beacuse she wanted to see how he was doing, no his improved condition with his lungs lead her go back to the main purpose with the hospital stay. His cancer.
She was going to run more tests to rule out any new tumours, especially in the chest area since his lungs had taken such a beat recently. And if the tests were negative or as good as could be expected from someone with a stage 4 Hodgkins disease, she wanted him to go back to chemoteraphy treatment again. This was something that she knew he wouldnīt be infor willingly and even if she knew that it was best for him she couldnīt blame him either. The treatment had made him very sick and this was also the reason why she wasnīt administring the bone marrow tests. Before he could have a bone marrow transplantation, if they found a match, they would have to give him a treatment that took down his own t-cells and his immune system would be severly affected. And this was not something that Mr Carter could afford right now.
When her patient showed no signs of waking up she shook him slightly on his shoulder. There were a vague grunt and he mumbled, "No mooom.. please let me sleep."
A smile crossed her face upon hearing these words. He thought he was back home and she was going to give him another shake when he mumbled, "No practice..please. I donīt feel good"
She felt a sting of sadness, thinking that this man, almost a boy, infront of her had a very rough life behind him. His life had lots of success but there were also other things behind that she could feel a glimpse of every now and then. The guys in the group had been very supportive for him and honestly she didnīt know how her patient had been if it wasnīt for them. Nicks father was there too, as was his mother but that wasnīt the same. Heīd never talked about it but she sensed that his parents, especially his mother, hadnīt been there for him when heīd needed them the most. She heard of the conflict that Nick had with his mom and to tell the truth she wasnīt surprised. Jane Carter had prooved to be a hard woman to deal with and these past three days that sheīd been at the hospital she had started to boss the nurses around like they were her personel. She had also demanded a office with an access to an telephone and computer while she was spending the time in the hospital, claiming that she had a business to run and that Aaron, Nicks little brother, had to be reachable all the time.
This had upset the rest off the staff, but Dr Andersen had met her demands. Nick needed his family, especially his little brother by his side, and if this was what it took to get the Carters together she was more than willing to help out. As if this wasnīt enough sheīd overeheard a conversation with Nicks dad about having her son getting transferred to LA to a specialists that was very famous in Hollywood. Bob had objected but Mrs Carter had showed no signs of understanding.
Even if the older woman had upset, and would continue upsetting a great deal of people in her way of handing things Dr Andersen still knew that there were so many emotions inside his mother that she knew was too hard to deal with. And this was the result of that conflict. She would talk to the older woman as soon as she felt fit to do so, but for the time being she was doing her best to keep the nurses on a speaking level with Mrs Carter as well as protecting her patient from having to deal with the commotion around him. Nick needed strenght and not having to be upset over how his mother was acting.
Just when she was about to give up hope to wake up her patient, there were a slight move and she could hear a groan as he peaked up from underneath the sheet. "Oh," he said hoarsly after blinking several times to her. "I thought it was mom." He swallowed hard like his throat hurt. "Iīm sorry."
"Thatīs Ok." She smiled gently to him, "It was just a dream."
He nodded, "Yeah I dreamt that I was going to the Disney club." He grinned and she felt all warm in her body. Her patient laughing or smiling was very rare these days even if she knew that he had lots of humour and loved to goof around. "You know I had to go to alot of practices when I was a kid and I thought it was just another one of those. I remember one time when I had to go while my friends were out there playing B'ball. And my mom got so upset that she litterary glued the mic to my hand so I wouldnīt forgot to sing." He chuckled at the memory while she felt nothing but sadness. 'Poor kid,' she thought, 'his life hadn't been easy.'
She wanted him to tell her more when he suddenly grew serious. "Are they here?"
"Who?" He surprised her with his sudden change in tone and topic.
"Mom and Dad? Aaron? The guys?" He looked at her with a mixture of hope and despair.
"No," she swallowed as she saw the dissappointment in his eyes that he was doing his best to hide. "They are at your home. You want me to call for them?"
"No." His answer was fast, almost like he cut himself with a knife. Noticing her expression he added quickly. "Thatīs Ok. They need their sleep, besides Iīm sure that they will come to see me later on." He smiled to her but the smile didnīt reach his eyes.
"Yes," the doctor said slowly, "Yes Iīm sure that they will." There were something so vanurable over her young patient that made her heart ache in a non professional way. For a moment she felt like she was his mother and he was her son. Gently she stroke him over his forehead and as she touched his head he shrugged back like heīd been burned by a ciggarett. She knew it wasnīt that she was touching him it was more the cruel reality that the thick blonde hair he had when she first met him was shredded now leaving him bald. And this made her heart ache just as much as it hurt him.
Quickly she was back in her professional role again and as to stop herself from feeling she poured him fresh glass of water. "Are you thirsty? Do you want some water?"
"Mmm.." He took the glass with a shakily hand before taking a large sip.
"Nurse Mary told me that you slept well last night."
He nodded, still engossed in drinking his water. She knew it was just an escape from having to talk.
"She also said that your temperature had gone down and that your lungs are much clearer with the fluid." Smiling to him she added, "Your lungs have really healed fast. And that is great news." She was doing her best to keep up with the conversation that was starting to fail miserably. "So how are you feeling today then?"
"I donīt know."
Frowning over his answer she went into "doctors mood." "What is wrong? Do you hurt?" She was ready to start examine him when he looked at her.
"I said I dont know. You asked me how I was feeling today while itīs just morning and I donīt know how I would be feeling after lunch." His voice was flat and she could sense that he was a bit depressed.
"Huh?" The patient infront of her could be hard to understand sometimes, especially when he spoke in riddles.
As if he knew how confused he was making his doctor he added, "Probably shitty."
"What?"
"I said I probably feel shitty today. Like all other days. What else can I feel being stuck here in bed?" His mood was gloomy.
ī Part of this act was due to that she come to realize that he wasnīt much of a morning person but there were something more too, something that she couldnīt put her finger on and it bugged her.
"Nick I.." she started when he interrupted her.
"Your here to do the tests, ainīt you? For the chemo?" Staring at her he felt like she was being transparent.
"No..I..Nick.." For a moment she didnīt know what to say as he had surprised her so greatly. His attitude was cold and hard. Her mind was going in overdrive as she sought the right words to say. "Yes we need to do some tests and.."
There were a loud groan.
"I know that you are against them but we need to preform some tests, which is good since your condition is so much more stable now. We need to find out what was causing that collapse of the lung and we need to make sure that there are not any more tumours."
He glared at her, "And what does this mean? More chemo?" His voice was calm but she sensed the outburst of feeling that was underneath the calm surface.
"Well you know.." His eyes stared a hole into her and her voice wavered and she couldnīt keep him from the truth anylonger. "Yes..we need to give you more chemoteraphy treatment and.." There were no time to prepare herself for the outburst that were about to come.
" NOOOO!!!" he screamed, suddenly getting lots of strength. "I donīt need any more fucking tests or chemo teraphy that makes me sick!!!"
She did his best to calm him down but he waved her hands away, "Donīt touch me," he hissed and for a moment she thought if she would call for backup but decided against it. After all she could deal with this sick and weak patient alone, couldnīt she?
"Nick you need to calm down. Its no good for you being this worked up," she soothed him gently only to get a snort and a glare back.
"I thought I told you that I didnīt want any more freaking tests preform on me. No more chemoteraphy either."
Her heart pounded in her chest as she said, "Nick I know that you donīt want to do this. But this is for your own good." An displeased grunt was heard. "We need to make sure that the cancer donīt spread through out the body and the only way we can do this is with chemoteraphy."
His only response to her speech was to turn his head away, staring silently into the wall.
Mentally she cussed herself for her own feelings taking over. After all she was his doctor in charge and she was the one responsibilty for the treatments that he was going to recive. Like in autopilot she started to tell him about the good with treatment but when she noticed that he seemed unintrested in what she had to say she asked, "Nick are you listening to anything that I have told you?"
Still no answering.
Her patientce was starting to lack and her gut told her that she wasnīt coming much further with her stubborn patient. Truth was that Nick needed the chemo treatment now or else the tumours could be spread through out his body and if that happend there were no more that could be done. If the tests came back negative there were still a chance that he could surivive, if not or if he refused treatment there were not much that she could do. And she wasnīt a quitter. She was the one that would fight to the bitter end for her patient, that if he was willing to accept her.
When there were no more words left to say to make him change his mind she had to bit back the frustration that she felt. In the beginning of her relation with Mr Carter she sensed that this wouldnīt be an easy case to work with and now she knew that her intuition had been right. But not in the way sheīd expected. The young man was much too stubborn for his own good.
Standing up she decided to leave him alone for now and go back and talk to him later when she caught a sight of his face. There were tears staining his cheeks and she couldnīt help but feel helpless. Making one more attempt to make him change his mind she asked, "Nick this is not what we talked about earlier, before your lung collappsed. Then you were even ready to do a Bone Marrow test." She looked at him, "What made you change your mind? "
His voice was thick with emotions and tears as he mumbled silently, "That was then. Before this"
This whole riddle was starting to get on her nerves and she was doing her best to remain calm and balanced. After all she was a grown woman and yelling was out of the question. "What do you mean?" Her voice was soft and calm but inside she was nothing but that. "What happend?"
As if her question had trigged something inside him he turned his head, staring at her with tears in his eyes. The words that followed burned into her soul.
"That was all before...before I died!"
