The ride back to Nick´s place went in silence.
Neither Kevin nor Aaron were very talkative and the blond spent most of his time staring out the window looking like he was lost in his own world. Kevin couldn´t stop thinking how much Aaron looked and acted like a young copy of his older brother. He had that same spaced-out expression as he had seen in Nick so many times in the past. But that was about all that was similiar with the two brothers. If Nick was a joker, never having long to a smile, Aaron was a more serious character. He had come into the business early, practically grew up in the industry, and that had formed his mentality so that at age 14 he was more of a businessman than his older brother could ever be. He also had a much more serious approach to things and there were times when Kevin wondered who was the oldest of the two brothers, Nick or Aaron? This was especially true when they were at a live interview.
Even though Aaron had practically lived with the guys in the younger days, Kevin had never got to know the kid very well. This could be because of the age difference but also because Aaron had a tendency to draw towards Brian and AJ instead who he often called his big bro´s. To Nick it was different, there was Kevin still his older brother and there were numbers of times when the older man had also served as a parental subsititute. Sometimes he wondered if he´d been too young to take on that kind of responsibility and how the situation would have looked if he had never joined the guys. But then he often came to the conclusion that he would probably work at some factory or something similiar..maybe being a high school coach, and thinking about this he decided that he could thank God for everything that he had been through.
Kevin sighed. There was a traffic jam coming up ahead of them. It was aired on the radio that they were clearing re-directing all traffic due to an accident further down on the highway.
"Did you hear that?" he asked in an attempt to make conversation as he turned up the volume.
"What?" The teen seemed so lost in his own world that Kevin felt bad for disturbing him.
"There is a traffic jam. There’s been an accident."
"Oh..Ok." The blonde showed no visible signs of wanting to talk and when he turned his head against the window looking out again Kevin decided that it was better that he was left alone. Instead his own thoughts trailed back to the hospital visit and the conversation they had there. He had spent the better part of the visit trying to convince a stubborn Nick that he had to continue with his treatment and that there was still hope with a bone marrow transplant.
Nick´s famous stubborness won. Again. This he had showed many times in the past. One time back in Asia in the early days when they were flying home from Singapore Nick had refused to board a plane due to bad weather. They had all become very upset since for once the management had allowed them to travel business class and they were looking forward a nice and relaxing flight back home. But the kid had simply refused. Instead they had been stuck for more than twenty hours at a small airport where the airconditioning was broken. Then they had to travel a full packed coach and once they arrived on American soil they were so jet lagged and tired that they had to sleep for practically an entire week. Not to mention how pissed they all were at Nick who had talked them into staying.
Sometimes it was like only miracles could change a Carter’s mind.
A drawn out sigh was heard from the passanger seat and Kevin turned his head just in time to see Aaron wipe a tear quickly away with the back of his hand. The teen looked so forelorn and Kevin was on the verge of giving him a comforting pat on his shoulder when he had to slow down the car or he would hit the one in front of him. He had a pretty good clue what was on the kids mind and once there was an opportunity to talk about it he would take it up in person.
The hope that he felt for Nick’s recovery was quickly diminishing. Especially after his friend had made clear to them that there was no use in trying to make his change his mind. He had told them that he had decided to stop the treatments since he didn´t want to live his last years, months or maybe even weeks that sick. He wanted to go back home to his house and spend his time there instead of being stuck in a hospital, being too weak to talk or do anything else.
Anger as well as sadness had dwelled up inside Kevin upon hearing these words. When he had asked Nick how he could say something like this when there was still a chance that the treatment would work his friend had looked at him sternly and then added in a calm tone, "I know what I am doing. This is for the best." When the older man had refused to listen, saying that he was just talking a bunch of crap Nick had said something that he never thought he would hear coming from the man that he had known for so many years. "You know Kev. If God wants me to go, then I am ready. If he wants me to stay a bit longer. I am ready. But I can´t deal with feeling sick all the time. That´s no life!"
With tears in his eyes and an aching heart Kevin didn´t give up. Instead he tried once more to tell Nick that he had to fight when his friend suddenly stopped him with laying a hand on his arm. "Kevin," he said firmly, "I know what I´m doing. I know when to quit. I can´t win this battle any longer..this I useless. I just take up everyone´s time. It’s time to stop this charade since it ain´t getting any better." He looked at them with a sad expression, "You have to trust me on this. Both of you."
The result didn´t wait. The words had Aaron bursting out crying, then running out from the room.
Nick had jerked back when he saw the pain he´d caused his little brother but made no visible signs to follow him. Either he was too weak or he didn’t care. Kevin guessed on the first option. Aaron had always meant the world to Nick and how he could go on talking like this infront of his kid brother was beyond the older mans comprehension.
He hesitated for a moment, not knowing which of the Carter’s that needed the most comfort when Nick’s words had help him make up his decision, "Kev! I´m sorry that I hurt you, but I need you to do me a favor. Can you please go and see how Air is doing. He needs you."
There were so much pain in Nick’s expression that all Kevin could do was to nod mutely before going out to see how the younger Carter was doing. Luckily he found him further down the corridor, by the elevators, visibly upset. "Nick doesn´t love me anymore, why else does he wanna leave us?" the kid sobbed. Kevin hugged him and Aaron who usually tried to act more mature than he was responded for once back by not wanting to let him go, holding tight to his sweater. This was a very unusual event and for a moment he had a deja vu. Memories of Nick hugging him like this at the same age, flashed up infront of his eyes. They had been at a concert and the management wanted them to go straight to another city to do another one. Nick has been so upset since he´d been promised to go back home to see his family and now he had to go on the road again. That time Kevin had found him down in a locker room and he had an long conversation with him. It was one of the first times they talked, but it would certainly not be the last.
After Aaron had calmed down they went back to the hospital room just to be met with a cold attitude. This was very unlike the Nick that they all knew. He´d told them with no emotions that they better leave since he was tired and wanted to sleep. When they had told him that they would come back tomorrow too he had shrugged his shoulders, saying in an uninterested voice, "Whatever," before pulling the blanket up to his chin and turning his head against the wall.
To say that they felt unwelcome would be an understatement.
This whole situation left him with so many mixed feelings. One part of him wanted to tell him, wanted to shake some sense into Nick’s body, telling him that he couldn´t give up, while another part thought that maybe this was for the best. There were nothing worse than watching someone you loved withering away from cancer infront of your eyes.
He´d been down this rocky road before. Last time it was his dad and even if he refused to believe it there were sometimes no other decisions to make. The side effects of the treatments were sometimes too rough and was making that person more sick than the sickness itself. Sometimes it was better to just let go. To stop the pain. The fighting.
He´d seen how much the treatments had hurt his dad. Making him weak and sick, not being able to sit up for more than ten minutes straight. He´d seen how he was one moment well just to spend the next with his head in the toilet, twisting his insides in and out, crying out in pain. He´d seen him withering away and that was not something he could stand see again. It was much too painful.
Cancer was an awful disease. One hour you felt good, the next you were so sick that you were barely conscious. Slowly it took his life away. Piece by piece...There were times when Kevin had wished it all would stop. When his dad would find the peace and comfort that he so desperatly needed. Instead he was being tortured when severe pains held him in a tight grip.
Even so his dad had refused to give up.
The fight continued, day by day. He never let his spirit down even long after the cancer had attacked every part of his body and where morphine was the only drug that could take away the pain. In the end when he´d stopped eating and everybody thought that this was it, he amazed them with still struggling on. He never stopped believing that he would be well again and maybe this was what helped him staying alive. His dad determination of living, not dying.
What Nick wanted Kevin wasn´t so sure over anymore.
He acted like he´d resigned. Resigned to death much too quickly, especially since Dr. Andersen still had faith in his treatments, even after his lung had collapsed and they had been on the verge of loosing him. Forever!
Why his friend was acting like this was beyond his comprehension. He had a small clue why Nick was acting so resentful to all kinds of treatments and he suspected that he had never been good at dealing with emotional pain. He also hated to be in situations that he couldn´t control and when something was tough he tried to deal with it by swallowing it all up, acting like everything was fine and dandy when in reality he was bursting up inside. Ready to explode!
If there were something small going against him he often acted like a spoiled child and there was often someone coming to his rescue. But when it came to situations that were hard to deal with he tried to turn to all kinds of subsititues just to get some kind of control. This could be anything from drugs to just tending to the tv games. Usually he succed, at least for the time being, except for this time.
This time the outcome was so uncertain and no matter how much they wanted to ease his pain there were not much they could do. Kevin suspected that by refusing treatment Nick found his own way out of this situation by trying to control his own faith by giving up. It was pretty morbid but at least then he could control what the outcome could be. Death.
Maybe the reason why Kevin could understand Nick was because he was in a way similiar to him. Just like him Nick was a worrier. Someone that had a tendency to give up much too easily when things were not going his way or in his favor. At the same time he was very stubborn. His often cool, chilled out, laid back attitude was just a phase because in reality he was just bouncing inside.
God how he wished that Brian could be there for him. His cousin always had a way to handle dealing with their younger friend and hopefully he could change the younger man’s thoughts again, onto another path. It would be totally meaningless if the struggle Nick had been through this past year had been all in vain. Especially since there was finally a candle in the darkness, a hope to hold on to when it came to further treatments, and yet he chose to stay in the darkness without even making the effort to light the light. He blew out the hope long before he even start trying...
Even if his friend had never confirmed this Kevin suspected that part of this need to control the situation and everyone around you, like all Carter’s did, came from an underlying fear for failure. This led to that he never had any high thoughts about himself or what he could achive. This combined with very high demands led him often to fail instead of succed and therefore confirm to himself that he was nothing but a failure. This resulted that he got a fear of not succeeding as in the same time he acted like he was punishing himself, making up in his mind that there was no real use in trying since it would all go down the drain anyway. This was one of the contrary things Kevin had a hard time understanding but had come to accept during the last years they had spent together. This self destuctive behavior proved that he lacked more and more self confidence. Self esteem.
"You think we´re gonna be here for long?"
Kevin jumped nearly ten feet as the teen’s voice startled him. He sounded so much like Nick that for a moment he thought that it was his friend sitting next to him. Blinking several times, a bit confused he asked, "Huh? I´m sorry, what were you saying?"
Aaron sighed, visibly annoyed but also fidgeting in the seat like he was nervous. "You think we´re gonna be here for long," he reapeated once more, motioning with his hands to the backed up traffic, "I have things I gotta do."
"Oh..No..No probably not. I think they are clearing it off soon," Kevin smiled towards the teen that looked like a younger copy of his brother.
"Good! I need to make a phone call and I left my cell back at the house." Fidgeting with his hands on the seam of his tee he continued, "Mom wants me to meet this old guy that she thinks would be good to be my new manager. She has booked him in Orlando tonight." Looking down he continued quietly, "I don´t wanna do it."
Startled over this Kevin took in the kid beside him just to notice how heavy and dark the bags were under his eyes and that his pale complexion looked almost ghostly. There was no way that this teen was fit go to a business meeting and he felt sorry for him for having to tend to business while his older brother was battleling sickness in such a gruesome way.
"Can´t you tell Jane that you don´t wanna go?" Kevin asked softly.
Aaron shook his head. "Nah she says its my big break. He is some guy that she met in Nashville and he have told her that he is gonna make me a real big star." There was a deep sigh, "And he is also going to help me promote my upcoming tour."
"And you think you can manage that? I mean touring?"
Aaron fidgeted even more in his seat and it looked like he wanted to be somewhere else than stuck in traffic with his brother’s nosy friend. "Yeah I have to," he whispered and as Kevin was about to ask him something more he turned his head away quickly. Stating that he was done talking.
The older man frowned. This whole situation was starting to take a toll on all of them and Aaron seemed to be affected much more than he would ever let on. Searching for his words Kevin felt compelled to say something comforting to the teen, "You know Aaron if there is something you wanna talk about you can always come to me."
There was no response This was growing much too hard for him and he had become more silent through out the time.
"It´s nothing. I´m fine," the kid snapped back like he´d regretted what he had said earlier on.
This had Kevin smiling inwardly. It was like he was dealing with a young Nick again and he knew that this was not going to be an easy battle to take on. "Ok," he said calmly, "That´s ok little man. I just want you to know that whenever you wanna talk I´ll be here for you." He did his best to reassure the kid that what he was saying was true.
There were no immediate response and as the cars were starting to move Kevin put the car in gear. Just when Kevin had ruled out any opportunity for further conversation the teen surprised him by saying, "Thanks Kev. I´ll do that." With that he turned silent again but the older man felt satisfied. For once in his life he felt that he could be there not just for Nick but for his little brother too.
