Everyday was the same!

He was either sleeping, taking small walks, eating, puking, getting tested or playing video games. Oh and also getting a visit or two from the guys. The last part was actually what kept him going. If it wasnīt for them or Aaron he would have probably thrown in the towel a long time ago.

His doctor had been right when she said that the new chemo would be aggressive. It was more of an understatement and as if things were not bad enough no medication seemed to help either. He just had to suffer and hope that it would be over soon so he could have that bone marrow transplant.

He just hoped that he didnīt have to be on this crap when he would be allowed to go back home. If he was he had no clue how he could manage. Unfortunately, Dr. Andersen had told him that because of his set backs, he had to wait one more week before they could let him go home. Heīd been pissed as hell at that time but he also realized that she was right. After all he guessed that he had to at least be well enough to wipe his own ass when the time came cause he didnīt want any of the guys doing that kind of crappy task.

Aaron had left. As did his mom and dad. At first he hadnīt thought much about his folks, that he missed them. But as days rolled by he had to admit that at least they had been some company. Aaron was a different story. He missed him so much that it made his eyes swell over with tears. What if he would never see that squirt again?

It had felt so good that his little brother had spent time with him the other day. He missed Aaron so much and even though he wanted nothing else but to be with him he was afraid that all he did was scare him. But his little brother had proved otherwise. He admired the strength that heīd showed when he sat there talking to him, even though Nick spent most of the time with his head in a plastic bowl or dozing off. Suffering the ill effects of the chemo. But Aaron had stayed and they talked. The whole night.

His mom had told him a story that BJ was in trouble with her ex-boyfriend but Nick didnīt believe that kind of crap. Ok it was no surprise that his sister was in deep shit and if she was and if he was well he would have kicked that boyfriend’s ass so hard that he would have had spit toenails for months. It was just that Nick figured out that it had something to do with business. As a matter of fact it always had something to do with business for his mother. It wasnīt that he thought she didnīt love him. No it was more that he thought she was afraid to show him that she loved him. Like she would break or something if she admitted that. Have a nervous breakdown.

Come to think of it. He had never seen his mother being on the verge of a breakdown. He, himself, had several but she always acted strong. His dad didnīt show much feelings either, maybe he was just as afraid.

Nick sighed. He was too tired to think about such matters.

Kevin, AJ and Howie came in regularly. It felt so good talking about them about the life outside and D had told him that every day there were bags of get well cards from fans that wanted to wish him all the best. This made his eyes water. If it was something he cared about it was the fans. That and music. Howie had also told him that lots of journalists tried to get them to talk too but so far they had been pretty quiet. Nick was grateful for that. He had never minded talking about the music but when it came to his private life he wanted to be just private.

AJ and Kevin tried to cheer him up and on those days he wasn’t puking or having the worst of chills from the chemo they actually did things together. AJ had taken him on a wheelchair ride through the corridors, ‘checking out chicks.’ At first, Nick thought it was stupid. After all he wasnīt 15 anymore, but when his friend had told him that he needed to get out from there for a while heīd accepted and actually rode around the cancer section. Just only to notice that he wasnīt alone. They hadnīt seen any ‘chicks’ on that ride. Instead they had met people, children, that was just as sick as he was. At first Nick had felt sick to his stomach, having a hard time digesting it but then heīd come to realize that this was his life. His fate. And he wasnīt alone with his burden.

Kevin on the other hand hadnīt taken him out on any rides. Instead they had talked about the old times. Nick liked talking about those days. They were happy. Not filled with any problems that he couldnīt deal with. His older brother had also seemed satisfied to talk about it and they had actually laughed together. This was not something that happened very often these days. As a matter of fact that was not something that had happened very often at all.

Kevin was a serious man and the age difference between them had left them open to conflicts. Yet Nick could never forget that time in an interview when Kevin had said he wished he could be as carefree as him. It had surprised him greatly since even if he didnīt want to admit it, Kevin was a big idol to him. Someone that he looked up to and he had found him self saying that he wished he was as strong hearted as his big bro. Kevin had looked just as surprised and heīd asked "Strong hearted or strong headed?" Heīd responded "Strong hearted" and Kevin had looked happy over the words. Happy and grateful.

It had all been true. Kevin was someone that Nick could relate to. He was the rock that he could lean against when the wind blew too hard.

Brian had also called. Sometimes several calls a day. He had told him that he wanted to make sure that Nick was getting better and also that he wanted to keep an eye on him so he didnīt flirt too much with the good looking nurses. Nick had laughed, saying that there were not any, unless he wanted him to go gay on him. They had joked for a while, but Nick knew that there was something more to him calling. It was like Brian was feeling guilty for leaving him when he needed him the most. But he didnīt blame him.

Family had always been important for Brian and he could understand that he wanted to be with his wife when their baby would soon be born. Leighanne didnīt want him to be gone anyway and he thought that Brian would be better off with her than staying with him. After all he did these days was feel sick. The last time Brian had called heīd sound very happy, that if you counted off the time when he had called and Nick had been high as a kite after the bone marrow test, and he felt very happy for him. Brian had told Nick that Leigh had been at the OB doctor and that she thought that the baby would soon be born.

Nick hoped so too. For many reasons.

He wished he would be able to see the kid. The little mini Brian. Their first Backstreet Baby. He also hoped that he would be well enough to hold Brian’s first born. Or even better that he would be alive.

Even if Nick loved kids and had a pretty good hand with them, especially after taking care of several younger siblings, having a baby of his own had never been high on his list. Until now.

Spending his time in bed all day left him thinking. Thinking about life and what he wanted his future to be like. That is if he got one.

Heīd always seen himself as a player. A real woman’s man that wouldnīt want a wife or kids, at least not any time soon. After all he was only 23. Young and rich, on top of the world. But fate had proved him differently and these days heīd longed for someone to love. A woman, a girlfriend that could be by his side when things were rough. Someone that he could share his pain with and that wouldnīt leave him when life became too hard or ugly.

There had been so many girls running in and out of his life. More than he could ever count. But none of them had managed to capture his heart. The only one that had been close to doing that was Manda. Even if people said she was bad for him he still loved her and it hurt so much when they broke up. It also resulted that he had a hard time coping with love, and being loved and in result this followed him in every step he took.

Then it was that other part. Children. Dr. Andersen had told him that it was questionable that he would never be able to father children on his own. His bouts with the agressive chemo was to blame and what hurt him was that even if he managed to beat the cancer, some of the side effects would still be with him. Controlling him for life.

"Hi Nick!" A female voice said to him, startling him in his own thoughts. Looking up he noticed it was Cyndi, one of his favorite nurses coming in through the door.

She was one young and good looking brunette. Just watching her made him feel warm inside and her breautiful eyes also left him feel happy in a wierd way.

"Oh Hi!" He smiled widely, putting on his charm. Or as much charm as he could laying there in the bed, bald headed in hospital pants and a worn out Yankee shirt.

"You seem to be in a good mood today," she smiled back. "Had a good night?" With that she walked over to his bed, putting a small tray with a shot on his bedstand.

He knew it was time for his chemo session yet he didnīt want to let it set him down.

"How can I not? When something foxy as you walks into the room." Another smile, known as the Backstreet smile was flashed and she laughed back.

"Youīre such a charmer."

"No," he shook his head, "Iīm telling the truth. You look hot!"

Even if Nick knew he probably looked like hell, being bald and skinny, he still knew how to get a woman to fall for him. What tricks to use. Sick or not.

"Well thanks Mr. Carter," she said with a chuckle. "You donīt look too bad yourself."

'Yeah right!' Nick thought but didnīt let it on. Instead he caught a glance on his finger, trying to see if she was carrying a ring. When he found none he let out a breath of relief. Maybe..just maybe he had a chance on her. At least in his imagination.

"You really get me hot by just looking at you. Your nurse costume and everything. You give me dirty thoughts!" He grinned like the cat that ate the canary.

"Oh yeah," she looked at him with a twitch in her eye. "Makes you wanna play, huh?”

"Yeah!" He nodded with anticipation. God he really liked this nurse. She was fun, she made him laugh and that was something he needed right now.

"Good," she continued while biting off the cap of the syringe. "Then you can have something else to think of when I prep you for your chemo."

The words had him groan. He was in for his daily hell. "Spoilsport." Suddenly he didnīt feel so charming anymore.

She patted his hand in comfort. "I know it feels bad but Dr. Andersen has ordered a new anti nausea medication for you." She fingered with his IV. "Iīm going to give it to you and hopefully itīll do the trick and kick in soon."

Looking up Nick felt his hope dimish. 'Doubt that,' he thought darkly. The he decided that such a matter wouldnīt bring his good mood down and instead asked a question that been on his mind ever since he lay his eyes on this beauty. "Youīre married?"

"No." She concentrated on her task.

"Boyfriend?" Hope rose a knot. "This is gonna burn a bit," she warned as she injected the shot into his IV line.

Nick nodded. He was used to pain. She was right. It burned a bit but nothing he couldnīt handle. Instead he waited for his question to be answered.

It was like sheīd read his mind cause she answered, "Nope. Not that either."

"Oh!" So there could be hope after all? He didnīt dare to hope but could feel his heart pounding faster. Then a suspicious thought popped up in his head. Why was someone as good looking as she was single? He just had to ask.

"Lesbian?" Oh God he said it out loud. Please donīt say that itīs like that! He pleaded with his inside.

There was a chuckle. "No. What makes you say that?"

If he hadnīt felt embarressed before he was now. Talk about screwing up! "Eh..Uh..eh..nothing." Shit now he was stuttering too. She looked at him with curiosity in her eyes. He had to answer even if he didnīt want to. "Ju..just wondering why..why a hottie like you is single..you know." Man did he feel like an ass! A complete dork. Now all his chances to even talk to the girl was blown away.

"Oh."

There were a brief silence when Nick thought he would pass out and die. She was fiddling with the shot and he wished heīd never said a word. God why couldnīt he keep his mouth shut?

"Iīll guess I havenīt found Mr. Right yet," she answered after a long wait.

He let out a long breath filled with relief then said without thinking, "Me neither."

A smile flashed in her eyes. "I didnīt know that you were gay?"

"What?" Nick about died. "Me Gay? Noooo!!" Not that he had anything against gays. Heīd met several through out the years. The entertainment industry was filled with them. But one thing he knew for sure was that he was all into girls. Definately.

"Good," she giggled. "'Cause you said that you hadnīt found Mr. Right yet."

"Oh..yeah." He laughed. A bit embarressed. It felt so good to release the tension that was building up inside of him. Laughing took the problems away, if only for a minute or two. "Thatīs not what I mean," he explained, red in his face. "I mean I havenīt found anyone to share my heart with..you know." God now he was getting mushy. Must be from the medication.

"I know," she said before putting a blanket over his legs. "I have to get going for now, but Iīll be back once the medication has started to work. Do you need anything before I leave?"

'Yeah you' he wanted to stay but instead shook his head. "Nah Iīm fine."

"Ok." She picked up her tray and was about to open the door when she turned around. "Nick Iīm sure everything will be fine."

He nodded. Not saying anything. Partly from watching her moves, thinking that she looked like a model, partly beacuse he was afraid that if he spoke right now he would brake into tears. Telling her how miserable he felt and how much he longed for someone to love him. And there had been enough mush of that already.

"Iīm sure youīll find someone." she said with a light voice with an attempt to cheer him up. "Soon." With that she left the room and he was all alone again. Alone with his thoughts and his pains.

How could he tell her that he already did? If he had the chance and hadnīt been laying here in bed all sick he would have asked her out. But then he knew that if he hadnīt been sick he wouldnīt have met her. His life had changed so much the past months. And it was like living in a roller coaster. Day by day.

'Maybe,' he thought. God how he hoped she was right about that last part. He didnīt want to live his life alone.