Eight months! It had been eight months since that day he received the news. The news that would come to change his life so completely and made his summer vacation become nothing but a living hell. It had seemed like an eternity but eight months was only as long as some tours were back in the early days. He reckoned that the reason why he felt like it was a never ending story was because he spent his time sick, either at home or at a hospital, and now almost one year later he pondered if he’d been asked to do the treatment, if he would have still said yes to it. His doctor had told him that the after-effects of the chemo could be a “little” bad and now he wondered what kind of references she had to tell him something like that. It was almost like a joke, although he wasn’t the one laughing about it. To tell the truth there was more than one time when he had second thoughts about the chemo and there were days when all he wanted to do was to stop it all. End the feeling of sickness that had come to tag along like a stamp on an envelope.
‘Oh well it can only get better,’ Nick mentally decided where he sat in the car, watching the scenery pass him by in slow motion. The guys had come and picked him up, all but Brian who had to go back to Atlanta since Leighanne claimed that she was starting to have contractions. He felt a bit bad to the fact that he hadn’t paid that much attention to Brian at his last visit or the fact that he was only days away from becoming a dad. The last weeks had been nothing but a blur and he knew that he hadn’t been much company since the last bout of chemo hit him hard. The guys had been up to visit him, even Brian came all the way from Atlanta for a visit, and all he did was sleep, puke or act pissed over something. Not a funny guy to be around. No, not at all!
Suddenly he felt something light touch his arm and turning around he was met with AJ´s brown eyes looking with a concerned glance at him. There was a worried frown on his forehead and before he had a chance to ask what he wanted AJ´s words, “You all right?” could be heard from the backseat. His tone was filled with concern.
“Wha..What?” Nick swallowed hard, feeling a bit confused, then he found his bearings again and answered back with an embarrassed smile, “Yeah I was just thinking…you know.” He waited for a comment, something in style with “Thinking man? Don’t try to hard. You know Kaos you can hurt yourself” or “Be aware that thoughts in a stupid mind can lead to burnout,” but none of the sort happened. Instead AJ looked at him, sadness shining in his eyes and said with a thick voice, “Ok buddy, but let me know if something is bothering you. All right?”
Nick nodded but deep inside he wanted to scream. He was sick and tired of everybody acting like he was on the verge of dying and the politeness, yet concern his brothers showed him was starting to become too much. He would have preferred a sneer comment or a nasty remark but all he got these days was that sickly concern that was threatening to tear him apart faster than the cancer ever could do. It made him not only feel sicker, it made him feel retarded too.
“You sure?” AJ cut through his thoughts again and he had to do his best not to scream at him to get out of his hair and once again nodded patiently. Patience had never been Nick’s strong since and if it was something that these past eight months had tested it was that qualification.
“Uh huh.”
“You know Nicky there are bags of “Get well cards” for you each day and the fans are all so excited to have you back again.” The words Howie spelled were meant to cheer him up but instead they didn’t help the situation at all.
“Really?” Nick said a bit nervous. “They all know that I’m getting home today?”
“Yup.” Howie nodded in agreement.
Oh shit! Nick felt fear dwell up inside of him. Panic. The last thing he wanted was the media and fans hovering outside his gate. Spotting how bad he looked and asking him all kinds of questions. The guys had done their best not to let anyone inside the hospital and the security had been tight. He knew that the management company wanted MTV to do an interview from his sickbed but Kevin had firmly told them that it was out of the question and for that Nick felt grateful. Now, however, he knew that his privacy would be violated again and he dreaded the comment that would follow when he showed his baldness and how shitty he looked in real life. Like someone that just came out of a concentration camp back at World War 2.
Beauty. His looks had always been one of Nick’s assets and he’d learned at an early age to take advantage of that. Today he knew that there was not going to be anyone looking at him and he dreaded the sneer remarks that would follow. Back, when he was younger, he and AJ used to joke how Nick would look if he went bald and his friend’s comment that he would look like a dog’s ass shining in the moonlight. To that they had laughed and Nick was happy that so far his dad hadn’t lost any hair so baldness was not something to run in the family.
“Will the press be there?” He swallowed hard.
“I hope not.” Kevin said while he honked angrily at a car that was passing them with high speed. “Jerk!”
“Bill Evans, our new media guy wanted John Norris to do a live special with you but we said “No fucking way” to that idea.” AJ had a way of being blunt with words and he was never afraid to spill whatever was on his mind so Nick didn’t doubt for a second that AJ had told the management those words.
“Ok.” Nick hoped that there was not going to be so many people waiting outside his gates. The rest of the ride back went in silence where he devoured his time with staring out through the tinted windows. The guys must have sensed that he was not in his most talkative mood and therefore they didn’t press on to continue the conversation. Closing his eyes Nick devoured the feeling of freedom, even though the ride was starting to tire him out a bit and he was happy to be out of the hospital and back to his own territory again.
Loud screams could be heard as they drove up to Nick’s street and there, outside the electric gates reporters and fans had gathered and they were all running towards the car.
“Holy shit!” AJ exclaimed when he saw the mass. “Fuck who could have guessed this?”
Once again Nick felt panic surge up inside him. He liked the fans but this was all a bit too much. Girls were screaming and they were holding up signs that said “Welcome home Nick” and “Get well soon”. It was making him feel overwhelmed.
“This is crazy.” Howie said as he waved his hands towards the fans.
“Yes you could have thought that they would show some privacy.” Kevin guided the car through the crowd and he honked several times at the fans and reporters that wouldn’t get out of his way.
“They won’t move. What are we going to do?” Howie asked desperation in his voice.
“Just drive on.” AJ urged Kevin who stepped on his breaks again.
“I can’t do that! I’ll end up running someone down:” he objected as he drove slowly though the crowd, stopping every so often.
Nick sighed. This was crazy. He was happy that the fans were so eager for him to come home but this was more than he bargained for. He knew he had to do something about the situation. From past experience he knew that hiding had never been the solution and opposite how most celebrities would have acted Nick was the one who often met the crowd, even when it was a riot like this. He’d learned that hiding would only piss off the reporters and the fans and that it was better to be truthful if there was something bothering you. This often resulted in Nick being known as the most truthful Backstreet Boy and he was the one that often openly discussed but also showed true emotions.
“Hell can’t they move aside!” AJ yelled, shooting a finger up to the crowd.
“That’s pretty childish.” Howie said, shaking his head. “Luckily for you that the windows are tinted.”
“I don’t care. It’s just that I get so fed up with the media always butting into out lives. Can’t they understand that Nick needs privacy?”
This time it was Kevin’s turn to let out a sigh. “I know. But it won’t help the situation with you acting like a damned kid.” The tension was thick in the car and Nick felt he had to do something or else they would be stuck here forever.
The decision was clear. “Stop the car!”
“What?” Kevin hit the breaks.
“I said stop the car. I’m going to talk with them outside.” Nick was satisfied to know that he had on the black and white bandana and it didn’t make him look quite as stupid as he would have looked bald-headed. Even if he knew he’d looked better he was still ready to face life outside. Even if he knew that it would be no easy thing to do.
“I can’t do that!”
“Yes you can.” Nick held his hand on the handle. “Stop the freaking car or I’ll jump outside.” He’d made up his mind. This was the only way he would get the fans and the reporters out of his hair and sometimes it was better to face his fear than to neglect it.
“Are you fucking insane?” AJ was never the one to spare words. “You’re going to get crushed if you walk out there.” Nick could feel his friend’s finger take a steady grip on his arm and he winced from the pain. Great now he was going to get a bruise too. The Hodgkin’s made him bruise easily and there were times that he looked like he’d been through a real gang fight.
“AJ let me go. You’re hurting me.” Nick’s voice was as calm as ever and instantly his friend let go of his arm.
“I’m sorry man, but I can’t let you go. It would be the height of stupidity.” AJ looked at him with remorse. Shrugging the situation away Nick started to tell his brothers that it was better to deal with the situation now then to wait until it was total chaos. He knew that as soon as the reporters got their scoop they would leave him off his back and the fans were only there to show their concern. “Nicky you can’t be serious. You don’t have the strength to go out there besides you have no obligations to meet the fans and the reporters anyway. This is your time off and I’m sure that they understand if you skip out of this.” Howie was the one that always tried to see the realistic in any situation. He often spoke calmly and it wasn’t for nothing he was the bands shrink. Turning to Kevin he continued, “Kev come on tell him that this is crazy.”
Ignoring that last comment from Howie Kevin ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what you’re trying to pull here but the guys are right. It’s stupid, even dangerous to go outside in that kind of riot.” He pointed with his finger out to the screaming crowed. “It would be pure suicide and my suggestion is instead Nick, that if you want to meet the fans so bad I think it’s better if you schedule a press conference and then talk to both the media and the fans. You can do it in your own time and won’t get stressed out like this.”
There it was again. A slick solution to a fucked up situation. Kevin was the master of keeping his head straight when it came to dealing with stress and Nick had for many years secretly admired the way he came up with ideas that also seemed to work in reality. The older man was the leader, no doubt the one that could calmly look at things when the heat on the band was so strong that they almost burned themselves.
“Yes listen to Kev. He knows how to deal with situations like this.”
Nick glared at AJ. Since when had he lost all ability to make his own decisions?
The way the guys seemed to run his life recently was downright annoying. That was what it was. Yet he couldn’t help but feel a bit relieved over the way his idea had been met. The way the guys stopped him from going out to speak with the fans and media. During the months at the hospital he’d met very few people and it had left him with a small dose of social phobia. Just when he was going to object he noticed the electric gates open and Kevin drove past it in high speed. Looking through the back window he noticed that none of the reporters or fans seemed to have followed and he calmed down a bit.
This welcome greeting had been a bit over the top. And it was quickly starting to take a toll on his body. Whatever little strength Nick felt when he left the hospital was suddenly gone and replaced was a feeling of pure fatigue. The ride had been stressful and knowing the fact that he’d let down so many fans didn’t help the situation at all.
“Welcome home Nick.” Kevin said while parking the car outside his house and before Nick had a chance to say something back Howie had opened the door, ready to help him outside. Normally Nick would have sneered something back that he didn’t want to be treated like a child, but this time he just bit his lip and nodded a thanks back. He should be grateful that they all cared about him and not act like an ungrateful son of a bitch. Yet those feelings were something he tried to bite back as much as possible. He knew that it would only hurt his close ones if he told him how much he wanted to be treated normal and not guarded 24/7. Besides now he was on his way back home for the first time in month and he would do nothing to destroy that feeling. Even if it was only for a visit over the weekend.
“Yeah welcome home buddy.” AJ was by his side too.
His legs had a hard time carrying him and the months he’d spent in a wheelchair had left him a bit shaky. Taking a few faltering steps he could feel himself getting all woozy and instantly both Howie and AJ tightened their grip on his arm. Kevin was the one to open the door.
The moment he stepped inside so many feelings swelled up inside of him. Nick felt his heart beat faster and faster. It was such a strange feeling to be inside his house again, especially since he’d been so close not to experience it again. There had also been days when he was certain he would never get to come home.
Turning to Kevin he was about to ask what they had done with his two pugs when they came running, barking, across the floor. They were both so happy to see their master and Nick felt tears starting to roll down his cheek as he bent down to greet them. They kept licking his face. “Hello guys,” he cooed as he scooped them up in his lap. “Missed daddy?” The two pugs answered with a happy whine and Nick laughed at the way they acted. Their tales were waving so hard that their whole body swayed with the motion.
The rest of the guys stood there in silence, watching the scenario play out in front of them. It was no secret that Nick absolutely loved animals, especially dogs, and sometimes it was hard to tell who he loved the best. Animals or humans? One time, when they were cooped up somewhere in Europe Howie had asked him why he loved animals so much and Nick had responded that it was because they didn’t want something back. They showed unconditional love.
Once the overwhelmed greeting from the two dogs was over Nick walked into the living room. His eyes scanned the area searching for changes but found that it looked pretty much the same as he’d left it, just a bit cleaner; so he sank down in the soft cushion sofa. “Man it feels great to be at home.” He sucked into every pour the feeling of freedom and the longer he’d stayed in the house the better he felt inside.
This was what he’d needed.
“Kev made a bed for you in the downstairs spare room,” Howie said when the silence had been too deafening for too long. The man in question had gone outside to pick up his suitcase so he was nowhere to answer for his actions.
“Huh?” Nick looked up, only to be met with his friend’s nervous glance.
“Yeah we thought that it would be better if you slept downstairs you know. That way you don’t have to walk the stairs and it’s also closer to the bathroom. Just in case.” Howie twiddled with his hands like he was afraid what sort of reaction his words would have on his sick friend.
“Ok.” Nick didn’t know what to say. At once there were so many mixed feelings running inside of him. At first he’d been happy to be back home, especially meeting his pugs but then came a feeling of insecurity and he was once again reminded of his illness. Kevin had no doubt decided to make his bed downstairs just to make the situation easier for him and ironical he had just made it tougher. Nick liked his bedroom and the fact that someone made a decision where he would sleep did not fall into good terms. It made him feel like everyone controlled his life and it made him unsure.
AJ, sensing that the news did not prove to be all that great sank down beside him on the couch. “So buddy what do you wanna do today then? Your first day back? You wanna watch a movie or something?”
Nick shrugged his shoulders. To tell the truth he didn’t think he would have much strength to do something like that and all of a sudden all he wanted to do was lie down and get a few hours of eyeshot. During the days at the hospital he'd spent much time sleeping so it was no big surprise that his body was fighting sleepiness after a while.
“You wanna order some pizza? You know an extra cheesy one from Rizzo’s. They make the best one, don’t they?” AJ hadn’t stopped trying to get his friend to talk.
“No I’m fine.” Nick winced. Suddenly, food didn’t sound too promising and he knew that if he put something in his mouth he would just end up feeling more queasy then he did right now. “It’s ok though, thanks for the offer.”
Howie was instantly by his side, a worried expression clouding his dark brown eyes. “You feel all right Nicky? I mean you want me to get your meds?”
“Nah..I´m fine.” Nick let out a sigh. When would the conversation ever stop going into his health? Every time he was starting to forget his illness one of the guys always brought the subject up, like he was fragile like a new born.
“You sure? I mean if you want I can get you something or..” Howie was cut off by Nick who said loud and firm, “Yes D I’m sure. Just leave it for now, will ya. I’m just tired.”
“Ok.” The both men let out their breath as a sign of relief. “Maybe you should lie down for a moment on the sofa and get some rest. It’s been a hard day,” Howie advised.
“Yeah dude, “AJ filled in. “Lot’s of thing’s been happening today. Get some rest and then you feel ready to tackle it all again.”
Normally Nick would have sneered something like he didn’t need someone to tell him when to take a nap, but this wasn’t his normal life. Instead he did like they suggested and sank down on the soft sofa, in a mountain of pillows. His two pugs jumped up and laid beside him, snuggling closer to him like they were very satisfied that their master was back in the game again. Closing his eyes he could feel one of the guys place a blanket on him and then they left the room, talking in hushed tones. The day’s events were catching up to him and he could feel exhaustion wrapping him up like he was lying on a cloud of cotton balls. Yet he didn’t care since for once his aches and pains were replaced with another feeling. The comfortable feeling of finally being home.
Back in his own house.
Back to life.
