'When will this be over with?' Nick thought, watching the nurses swarm around him like flies. Ever since he'd woke up from his nap he had been put through numerous tests and he watched bleary-eyed as one of the nurses picked up an injection and then shot the needle through his port. The vial was quickly filled with light red blood and he was surprised that they actually managed to squeeze out a few drops, espeically since the way he'd been tested lately he wouldn't be surprised if there had been a lack of that kind of substance. Not to mention the way he'd been prodded. With an amused thought Nick decided that he was more and more starting to look like swiss cheese. Full of holes.

He winced. It didn't hurt but the pressure he felt made him slightly uncomfortable. His back hurt and the fact that he had to lay still didn't help matters either. Another bout of fatigue was starting to set in and he couldn't wait until he got to go back to his room and rest.

There was a vague memory of Kevin and someone else being with him when he woke up, but his head had been so fuzzy from medication as well as sleep so he had no idea if it was a dream or reality. That was how it was with him these days. An event, a conversation that he was certain he had could be a dream or the other way around; reality could be a real nightmare.

When he'd asked his doctor why he was feeling so confused and like he was drifting on clouds she'd told him that it was because of the meds.They had prescribed an even stronger medication for the pain and even though Nick was greatful for small favors - pain sucks - he still thought it was scary the way he didn't know if what he was seeing or hearing was for real. Okay it wasn't like that all the time, Nick had to admit, but it was too often for him to feel good about it.

These drugs, even though they had an numbing feeling, also led to that he couldn't do ordinary stuff like talking on the phone or watching tv without feeling like the world was spinning around him. Nick knew that it was a small price to pay for staying alive, yet he would've given his right arm if it was for the fact that he would feel normal again. If just for a few hours.

The nurse must have sensed that something was bothering her patient since she said with a gentle voice, "Try to hold on a little more. I just need one more vial and then you can rest until it's time for your cat scan."

Nick did a double take. Cat scan!? And he who thought he would be out of this misery soon.

"Don't worry hon. It won't hurt. It's just an x-ray and it will be over sooner than you can blink." She patted him on his shoulder with a comforting gesture.

Nick rolled his eyes. As if he didn't know that? He'd had millions of X-rays and cat scans and god knows what ever since he was diagnosed with this disease. She misunderstood him. It wasn't the procedure in itself that he scared of. It was the result!

What if it turned out that the cancer had spread? Would they still be willing to perform the bone marrow transplant? Or would he have run out of all options and it was late?

Still that was not something he wanted to admit, instead Nick mumbled, "No it's not that. I've had CT's before...many times." The nurse acted so surprised that he felt it was best to explain what he meant."It's just that...that," Nick changed direction again. "I mean do you think it's really neccessary? There can't possibly be a test that I haven't done, besides the last cat scan I did was last week."

"Last week Nick?" The nurse frowned.

"Yeah." He nodded but then felt uncertain, "Or maybe it was the week before." His thoughts were so jumbled these days and trying to freshen up his memory he fell silent. Hell, all days looked the same anyway so it was no wonder that he was starting to lose perspective.

"I'm sorry hon." The nurse said with a sad expression in her eyes. "I know that you must be really tired but Doctor Andersen was very expicit when she said that you needed to have the scan done today. She wants the test to be done so she can make an decision as soon as possible. For the upcoming bone marrow transplant that is."

"Okay." Nick knew when he lost a battle and there was no turning back now. What the tests would show would not only be a result over his sickness. It would also show how his future would be. That was if he had any or not...

"Just get it overwith so I can go back to my room." Nick said and then closed his eyes again.

It took almost two more hours before he could finally get back to his room. Just when he'd thought that he was done with the needles Doctor Andersen came in briefly and informed him that she wanted to do even more tests.

This scared him. What if there were something wrong? He didn't have time to think before he was once again the target for testing and reluctantly he watched as the nurses prepared for even more blood tests. Finally when they were done poking and prodding at him he was moved up to X-ray and there they had taken several films.

When he'd asked jokingly if he should pose for them they had smiled, but Nick also saw that it didn't reach their eyes. This had him even more worried.

Finally they had decided to call it quits and Nick was happy that his day as a guinea pig was finally over. At least for now. Susan had moved him back to his room and even if she had tried talking to him he hadn't listened or even replied.

There were too many thoughts swirling around in his head and he did his best to convince himself that it was just standard procedure and that they wanted to be certain that nothing bad would be missed.

The exhaustion had taken its toll and once he was under the sheets he had told Susan that he wanted to be left alone. Whe she had asked what she would do if he had company he'd just answered that she could send them away. Then he pulled the pillow over his head and that was the position he was in when there was a knock on the door.

"Fuck," Nick murmured. "Didn't I tell her that I didn't want to talk to anyone?" Susan wasn't high on his list right now and he was determined to complain to his doctor if they didn't meet his wished. All he wanted was to be left alone, was that too much to ask for?

Who ever it was better had a good excuse coming and seeing him. Aaron had called and said that he would go with AJ to Sarasota and the boat races and Kevin had said that he was busy in the afternoon. Howie had his own business and Brian was still at home so who else could bother him this time?

He pushed the pillow tighter over his head, hoping to block out the knocking on the door, but it was much too persistant and finally he snarled, "Yes?"

The door opened a bit more and he could hear someone walk into the room, high heels clicking against the floor. "Nick?"

It was a woman's voice, a voice that he'd recognized but couldn't place it where he'd heard it before.

With a groan he slowly lifted on the pillow and he was just going to tell the person off when let out a gasp. There, standing beside him was none other than his own mother; Jane Carter.

The first reaction was shock. Then came the confusion and last a strange mixture of joy and anger. Joy beacuse his mom, who he had been longing for so much was finally standing there beside him. Anger beacuse she hadn't come to him sooner.

"Mo...Mom?" Nick stuttered and for a moment he didn't know if he should laugh or cry. The reaction was the same for Jane and when she bent over and gave him a big hug he didn't know if this was real. That maybe he'd died and went to heaven, or maybe hell depending on how you looked at the situation.

"Oh baby...my baby," Jane mumbled over and over again when she stroked his face with her hand. "Honey, I've missed you so much."

Nick nodded. This was such an overhelming feeling and even though she was his mother he felt very unsure over this unusual situation. Jane Carter wasn't a woman that showed much feelings. She was a person that mostly directed orders, especially in the end and this change had Nick feeling very confused. The last time they've seen each other it had been about her wanting him to move to Los Angeles and when he'd refused she'd left him. They spoke occassionally on the phone but then was it mostly about his siblings and they were rarely touched the subject about his cancer. With his mother it was as if they didn't talk about bad things they never happend and living in the Carter family could prove to be very stressful. Especially if you had any kind of problem.

When the first shock had passed Nick was starting to take in the situation. It was really his own mom standing there and it wasn't a dream or a nightmare. Swallowing hard, he blinked several times so the tears that were hiding in the corner of his eyes wouldn't spill over. "Is it really you?" When the only reply was a nod he went on, "Oh mom you have no idea how much I've missed you." Drawing back his breath as he felt the tears starting to roll down his cheeks he mumbled, "I never thought I would see you again." His voice nothing but a whisper.

To Nick's dismay he felt his mother jerk back like she'd burned herself. Quickly she let go of her embrace and instead sat up straight beside him. "I've missed you too." The warmth in her voice was gone instantly and she smiled a smile that didn't reach her eyes. This reaction had Nick feeling unsure again over the situation. What had he said to make his mother's attitude change so fast?

"So," Jane said while running her hand across his sheets. "How do you like it here Nick? Are they good to you? Is the food any good?" Her eyes didn't meet his and all at once this became a situation so tense that you could cut it with a knife.

Nick frowned. Why was his mom suddenly changing subjects and why was she acting like he was some kind of minor, or even worse like he was retarded? This together with the medication that kept pumping into his system left him confused. Confused and hurt.

"Eh..uh...I guess it's okay." He didn't have the heart to tell her that it had been days, weeks, since he'd tasted anything but that crappy formula or at the best Jell-o. He could just laugh himself happy that at least he was off the tube feeding. It had probably scared her to death anyway.

There was a brief silence when none of them said anything and he could see that his mother was feeling more and more uncomfortable by the second. The warmth welcoming with the hugs he'd received when she first made an entrance were gone like the wind and Nick started to wonder if he'd halucinated everything. These medications sometimes made you see and experience things that were totally unrealistic. Feeling like he had to say something Nick asked, "How are my sisters?"

All at once his mother perked up and with big vivant movements she started to talk about how successful Lesley was with the singing and how beautiful BJ was and how much Angel had grown. Nick listened while she talked and talked and even though Aaron had told him the total opposite - that things had been a bit rough at home - he didn't drop the facade and went on with the game.

His mother's constant voice was starting to make him tired and even though he was happy that she was there with him, he still felt exhaustion dwell over him like a veil. Hiding a yawn behind his hand he did his best to look interested and not fall asleep on the spot. It was great hearing how his sisters were doing and to be honest he missed them all very much, it was just that he would have expected that she for once would stop and ask how he was doing. Then maybe he could get a chance to tell her the good news - that Aaron was a match and that he would get a bonemarrow transplant...

"You should see the contract Les is getting. It's absolutly amazing and Dick Hendersen, Aaron's new manager, told me that they think that Lesley is very promising. Of course she has to loose a few pounds," Jane chuckled, "but that is nothing new in the Carter family, is it?"

Nick felt at once mad. Why did his mother always have to bring up things like that? Why were they never perfect the way they were? A sudden thought popped up in his head and it was so ugly that he felt more tears threatening to spill. What if she needed someone new now when he was out for the count?

The thought was so hideous that Nick felt nauseated and he swallowed hard so he wouldn't throw up. His mother couldn't be that calculating could she? The answer to that question was however that he didn't know. So much had happened between them during the years Nick had been on the road and sometimes he didn't feel like his real family was all that close to him. The ones that had always been his family were the guys, his brothers, and they were the one that had been there for him when things had been rough. Especially when he had found out about the cancer and finally told them.

"Honey now come to think of it, wouldn't it be great if you came back with me to LA so you could see your sisters? They have been waiting for you to come and see them and I think it would do you good if you had your family with you during a time like this."

The words were meant to be helpful but all they did was to make Nick even more sad. Was this the way his mother was going to make him come and live with them in LA? Didn't she realize how sick he really was and that there was no way he had the strength to move that far away. Hell he didn't even have the strength to get up and use the bathroom. "Mom...I don't think that..." He didn't have a chance to end the sentence before his mother interrupted him. "Honey it would be so fantastic. Think, you could help Lesley and Aaron with their albums and your connections would really help the girls in their profession. Oh Nick wouldn't it be great if you could move to LA?" A wide smile was suddenly plastered on her lips

Even though Nick could feel his strength falter he felt he had to make himself clear that he would NOT move to LA. Not now. Not ever. "No mom," he started once again when she went on talking about what kind of experts he would encounter and how his cancer would get better. As usual she didn't listen to what he had to say and feeling more and more run over Nick started to wish that she would get out of this room. Get out of his life. It was like a deja vu from the last time they had talked about this. The last time they had seen each other.

Suddenly he couldn't take it anymore. "NO!" He said as loud as he could muster. Jane stopped for a second, looking at him. "No mom." This time the tone was weaker. "I can't do that. This is where I live. This is my home."

"Nonsense," Jane said "You belong with your family, especially when you are this sick. We are the ones that should be there for you." Suddenly she changed her tone again and Nick could see tears glistening in the corner of her eyes again. "Oh honey don't you see?" She grabbed his hand and if he weren't so weak Nick would have pulled away, now he let it be. "It would be just like the old days. We would be a real family. A healed one." A pause. "Don't you want that baby? Her tone was desperate.

Those words etched into his mind like a burnmark and he had to swallow several times to say what was on his mind. It was not that he didn't want to be a family. It was more how he was going to say that he didn't believe that they could ever be one. That it was too late. At least for his part.

But Nick didn't have the chance to say the dreaded words to his mom since the door opened and one of his favorite nurses came into the room. "Oh Hi Nick. I didn't know you had company." The blond woman smiled at Jane, "And you must be Nick's mother? I'm Kate."

At first Jane looked a bit skeptical but then she accepted the hand that the nurse was reaching out for her. "Yes I am. Jane. Jane Carter."

"I thought so," Kate snickered as she moved over to adjust Nick's IV line. "Like mother like son. Both just as beautiful." Her vitality was like a fresh rose in the room and even Jane let out a smile. This time a genuine one.

"Yes he is very beautiful, isn't he? My son." With a mother's touch she stroked Nick on his cheek, making him even more confused than he already was.Why did his mother continue with this charade? Didn't she see that the battle was already lost? That it was game over!

"You tired?" The nurse asked while picking up a syringe.

Nick nodded. It was nothing but an understatement. And meeting his mom didn't improve the situation either.

"It's only natural when you have done so many tests in a day," Kate went on. "I'm going to give you something so you can relax since your orderly informed me that you didn't feel all that well." She shook the syringe and was just going to inject the substance when Jane stopped her.

"Tests? What tests?" Turning to Nick who groaned in bed she asked, "Nick what kind of tests is the nurse talking about?"

Catching an annoyed glare at the nurse that had always been on top of his list he could feel irritation flare up inside him. Now his mother would keep on pressing until she knew what was up with the situation and then he would have to reveal it all. Tell her about the bone marrow transplant. Normally this would have been good news but knowing how bad his mom took set backs he feared that she would probably take it the wrong way.

Kate gave him an "I'm sorry," expression and he shrugged it away. "It's okay. Mom has the right to know." Drawing his breath back he then turned to Jane. "Mom I'm getting a bone marrow transplant and Aaron has is my match."