Nick watched the bag of clear liquid drip into his IV line as if in slow motion. The only sound that could be heard was the machine working connected to the drip and when the nurses had asked him if he wanted some music on he’d said no. For some reason he wanted this procedure to be continued in silence, almost like a holy mecromony, and it was not only because of the stress headache that had been bothering him all day.
There were so many memories popping up in his brain and most of them was with the guys or his little brother. Nick had lived with the realization that this might be it, that if this BMT failed there would not be much hope left for him and even though he didn’t want this to be the end he still was satisfied over the life he’d lived. Okay there had been ups and downs but if he was to sum up his life he didn’t think he could have had it much better. After all which guy would be allowed to do what they wanted to do all their life? Singing and dancing and performing. Which other guy was loved by thousands and had people come all over the world to see their concerts? Which other guy got to travel all over the world, live first class and enjoy the life of luxery? There were some that shared his life experience but he knew that they were not too many. If he was to die right now one thing Nick knew was that he would be grateful for everything he’d went through, including this disease that has threatened to take his life.
The reason for this was that his sickness was the main reason that the guys had been brought together not only as a group but also as a family. There had been times when all they had done was argue and when they had left Japan after their last Black and Blue concert, the concert where the cancer had all started, it wasn’t all that certain that they would be all that close again. But faith wanted differently and this past year Nick had gotten to know his older brothers so much better than before. They had taken turns being by his side and for that he was very grateful. One of the reason why he had been scared of telling anyone in the group about his disease was that they would act like he was a person that they had to pity or that they would make the decision that they didn’t want him in the group anymore and kick him out. When none of this happened and life went on, he had been able to relax again.
Nick's eyes caught the sight of the clock on the wall and to his demise he noticed that only half an hour had passed on ever since he started the transfusion. It wasn’t that he was feeling uncomfortable or that the bone marrow was making him sick, it was more that it was strange watching Aaron's bone marrow being mixed with his own. Suddenly a dizzy spell swept all over him and he closed his eyes for a moment. When he looked up again he noticed the nurse watching him with concern.
“Everything all right Mr Carter?”
Normally he would have nodded and then asked for her to call him Nick but this time he didn’t feel up to being cheerful and instead mumbled, “I’m feeling a bit dizzy.” After all what did he have to lose? Saying that he was fine or peachy didn’t exactly fit in his situation. Besides the high dose of chemotheraphy he’d received before the bone marrow transplant was making him feel sick to his stomach and he thought it wasn’t more than fair to reveal his health statement, in case he would need help in the near future.
A cool hand was felt on his forehead and before Nick could react the nurse picked up a thermometer. “You’re feeling a bit warm,” she explained while she put the device against his ear. “Do you have chills? Any pain?”
“Yeah a little but then I usually feel like this after receiving chemo.”
“You received a very high dose chemotheraphy this morning before the transplantation so this can very well be the after effects from that.” She smiled as she was doing her best to reassure him that everything would be fine but he could see that she was scribbling down something on her notepad. As if she was reading his thoughts she went on, “Chills are expected with a bone marrow transplantation as well as a low grade temperature but then I’m sure that Doctor Andersen has already went through explaining with the procedure as well as the after effects.”
Nick nodded before closing his eyes. Exhaustion suddenly dwelled all over him and he had a hard time keeping his eyes open. The nurse must have sensed this since she picked up a blanket and laid it over him. “It’s a good thing that you try and sleep Mr. Carter. The procedure will be much faster that way as well as your body needs its strength to fight off any infection that may occur.”
He had stopped listening a long time ago and when the thermometer beeped, Nick showed no immediate interest in how high of a temperature he might have. Instead he concentrated on letting sleep take him over and that his body would relax long enough for him to get some well needed rest. Apparently luck was at his side since soon he was on his way to the dreamland.
The next time Nick woke up the first thing he noticed was that he wasn’t in the same room as before. The beeping sounds of the heart monitors as well as the noise of someone being in the room with him caught his attention and he turned his head to the side. At first he got scared because it looked like a alien in a space suit, but then he remembered that they were going to transfer him into a sterile setting after the bone marrow transplantation was done. This had to mean that it was over and done with and that he’d survived at least that portion.
“Hi Nick,” the person said and when his mind had cleared he saw that it was one of his favorite nurses Angelica which made him feel a bit better. She leaned over him, a white protection covering her mouth preventing from germs to be spread, but her brown eyes did their best to comfort him. “How are you feeling?”
“Fi..” Nick started to say before croaking out, “Sick.” It was a hard task talking and every move made his stomach churned something viciously. As in response she stroke his forehead and he took the courage to go on with the conversation even if talking proved to be a hard task. “Is...is it over?”
“Yes.” Her eyes smiled at him. “Yes its over and so far you’ve been doing really good.”
The beeping over the monitors as well as the sore and painful feeling he had in his body told him that it wasn’t exactly the truth, but he was too tired to ask what was wrong this time. Instead he swallowed hard, licking his lips that were so dry. In the corner of his eye he saw that Angelica fiddled with the IV and he suspeced that she injected something into it since the nausea he’d felt lessened considerably and instead was replaced by a fuzzy feeling. Too exhausted to talk he closed his eyes, letting sleep overtake him one more time..
Outside Nick's ICU room the rest of the guys paced the waiting room. The situation was rather tense and none of the guys had been very talkative. It was as if they were all in their own thoughts and no words needed to be said. They all shared the pain that Nick was going through and they prayed that he would make it. Jane had been at the hospital too, but since Aaron had woken up from the anesthesia and was feeling a tad sick to his stomach she had left the rest of the group to be with him.
It was a little over an hour ago Doctor Andersen had informed them that the transplanation was over and now they were waiting for more news about the situation and if Nick's body would accept or reject the new bone marrow. He was reported to be doing as well as could be expected due to such an advanced procedure, but he was running a temperature and they had given him antibiotics to prevent any more dangerous form of complications. So far Nick hadn’t woke up yet and he was not allowed to see anyone, including his family. Doctor Andersen had also told them that in the following days Nick would be very tired and that he wouldn’t be up more than a few minutes of visitors at the time. She had also administered pain medication as well and for the nausea that would follow.
The men knew that there was very little chance that they would see their little brother and that all of them had other things to tend to, though it was as if they didn’t want to leave the hospital. As if they were scared that something bad would happened if they turned their back on Nick, therefore they had all stayed.
AJ was the first one to break the silence. “I need a smoke.” He stood up stretching his legs. “Anyone wanna come with me? B’rok? D?” When none of the men made any attempt to follow he went on, “You guys look like you could need a break. Need some fresh air.”
“Fresh air bah!” Brian snorted with disgust. “Those cancer sticks won't give anyone fresh air.”
“Maybe not,” AJ agreed. “But at least they take my mind off things. And you look like you need that too.” With that he patted his friend's shoulder, “Come on dude, lets go outside at least.”
Brian sighed. Alex was right. This past couple of months had been so stressful, first dealing with Nick's illness, then Leighanne and the baby and now it was back to Nick again. He was doing his best to try and keep up his positive posture but it was starting to get more and more hard by the minute. Howie, the ever ending optimist was showing signs of being worried too and he was not as calm as he used to be. Thinking back Brian found that so much had changed.
Before they used to be a group of members that got together to do concerts and do records. Okay on tour they were very close but in between that, they all went and did their own things and was satisfied with it. Now, ever since Nick had dropped the bomb about cancer they had spent their downtime together, through thick and thin and in the process became so much more. They had become a real family.
They had all lived with the cancer for almost a year now and it had become more of an ordinary life than anything and if there were one thing the guys had learned it was not to take anything for granted and also try to live by the day. The thought of loosing their little brother scared them alot and up until this last week they had done their best not to think about that there was an possibility that he would not make it. It was Nick himself that had brought it up and Brian remembered it as if it was yesterday.
Flashback
“Hey man, how are you doing?” AJ asked as he sat down beside Nick on his hospital bed. The question were rather unessasary to answer since it was clear how shitty the young man had to be feeling after just thrown up into a basin as another nasty side effect of the higher dose of chemotheraphy he’d recieved.
“So-so.” Nick waved with his hand, which caught them all by surprise. Usually Nick tried to do his best to act as if he was doing just fine but today he had to be too tired to care about anything.
“Do you want anything to drink?” Kevin asked as he picked up the glass of water that was sitting on the bedtable.
Nick shook his head. “Nah, I don’t think I can keep it down anyway.” His expression wasn’t sad. It was more the look of realism.
“Is it bad today?” Brian had asked quietly only to get a positive nod back.
“Mmm...yeah...this shit is really turning my stomach upside down. I’ve never thought that I could puke so much in a night.” A pale smile lit up his face. “Even worse than those nights of binge drinking that you tricked me into Alex.”
“What? I did not..It was...” the rebel did his best to defend himself when Nick cut him off.
“Just kidding. It’s just that this is really killing me and that was what I wanted to talk to you all about. Pointing at the chairs he went on, “You can all sit down. I don’t bite.” That last comment was directed to Howie who hadn’t said a word since entering the sick room. Normally sweet D was the person to help out when one of them were sick or in trouble but today he acted as if he didn’t want to be in the room. As if he feared what would be said.
“Okay I think that there are some things that we need to talk about. You all know that I’m going through with this chemo crap and then I’m going to do the bone marrow transplantion next week. This really sucks ass and Doctor Andersen has told me that it’s just the beginning. My tests came back and they are just about as shitty as I feel right now.” He tried to smile but it came more out like a sour face.“ Doctor Andersen had a talk with me the other day and she told me that this was about my last chance to make it.”
There had been a brief silence in the room and the air was as thick as if you could cut it with a knife. He held up a hand as Kevin had opened his mouth to say something encouraging. “No Kev, let me go on.” When the older man had silenced again Nick went on. “The cancer has spread and they are doing their best to kick it. She said that even though it is not that great odds she believes that there is a slight chance that I can make it.” It was clear that he was doing his best to see the positive in the situation.
Brian felt that he had to say something. “You always make it dwag. Nick, if we count how many times you have managed to fuck up a situation and then set it right again you will have really good odds to beat it this time too.” He knew it was a lame comment but it was upsetting to hear the speech that was coming over his friends lips.
“Yeah Bri is right,” AJ filled in with a grin. “Sometimes I wonder if you’re cat! You always seem to land on your feet and it’s as if you have nine lives.”
Nick sighed. “Yeah but what if my nine lives are all used up? What will you do then? What will happen with the group?”
The words that they all had dreaded would be said was out in the air now.
“That won’t happen.” Kevin said reassuringly but his voice faltered in the process. It was clear that he didn’t even believe his own words.
Howie who had been sitting in silence was the next one to talk, “Nicky do you think that it’s really a good time to talk about this right now? You said that you have been sick all night and you most be completely exhausted.” He stood up to stand, “Come on guys let’s let Nicky rest and we can talk about this later.”
Brian watched as Nick's face suddenly turned red and he sat up in bed. “NO!” That was the loudest he’d heard his friend talk for a long time. “No I want to talk now. What if there won’t be a next time?” he spat.
Another uncomfortable silence hung in the room.
AJ was the first one to speak up. “Let Nick talk if he wanna talk.”
Nick gave a grateful eye to Alex but they could all see that this was all taxing him out and the strong and positive posture he showed in the beginning was quickly starting to fade. “So have you guys talked about what you will do with the group if I don’t make it?”
“Eh..uh...” Nobody knew what to say. “
“Come on.” Nick looked at each and everyone of them. “You have talked about it, haven’t you?”
Brian didn’t know what to say. This was a topic that had been touched briefly but it was as if nobody talked about it then it wouldn’t happen. “Eh...yes we have talked about it but...”
Nick cut him short. “Good so what have you decided then?”
This question was making them all uncomfortable.
“Nick it’s not that easy...” Kevin started, his voice faltering more and more and tears shining in his eyes.
“Yes it is.” Nick frowned. Then he said with a sigh. “So I take it that you haven’t discussed it then.” There were accussasation in his tone.
“It’s not that easy you know,” Brian defended himself. “It’s not like we are talking about something common as what to wear at concert or stuff like that.” He was doing his best to keep his temper calm.
“I know.” Nick went silent for a moment, his eyes flashing with pain. “And it’s not that easy for me either. It’s just that I want you guys to continue even without me.” His voice was starting to crack up and they were all doing their best to blink away the tears that were forming in their eyes. “I love you guys.”
That last comment had AJ acting up. “Eh...uh...I need a smoke.” He stood up as quickly as he could and then fled the room.
“Yeah...wait I follow you,” Howie mumbled as he followed the younger man out of the room. Kevin and Brian were the only ones left.
“Guess they can’t take it, huh?” Nick asked silently as he watched the door slam shut.
Brian now crying freely, wiped his nose with the back of his hand. He didn’t know what to say the mere thought of continue with the band without their little brother was eating him up inside. Kevin was the one to start talking, as always. “Nick I know that you want to talk about this, but not everyone is ready for it.” His tone was sad and the throat thick with emotions.
Nick ran a tired hand over his face. “I fucked it up again, didn’t I?”
This time it was Brians turn to act. “Nooo.” Bending down he gave his friend a hug, squeezing him so hard that he feared that the bones in the fragile sick mans body would crack.
“God B, you gonna squeeze the shit out of me?” Nick panted after a while.
“Oh sorry.” Brian immediately let go of his hug. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You didn’t.” Nick looked up with a pale smile on his face, his tears stained on his cheeks. “God B that actually felt good.”
Brian couldn’t help but laugh at that last sentence and Kevin who had watched in silence gave Nick a hug too. “You know buddy that we love you too and if anything happens to you we will kick the crap out of you.” Kevin smiled.
“That is something that Alex would say,” Nick grinned.
“Yup and it’s the truth too.”
“Okay.” Nick’s energy was starting to drain and he was doing his best to keep his eyes open. He hid a yawn behind his hand.
“You’re getting tired?” Brian asked as he twisted his hands.
“Mmmm.”The young man nodded. “Like I said this treatment is really the pits.”
Nobody said anything and before Nick closed his eyes he mumbled, “Tell D and AJ that I’m sorry for making them upset.”
“You didn’t make them upset,” Brian started when he felt a hand on his arm. Kevin's. “Okay I'll do that,” he changed his version quickly. Nick was too tired to comprehend what they were talking about anyway and he patted his friend on his hand. “See ya later buddy and try to sleep tight.”
Nick hadn’t answer. Too far gone into the dreamworld.
End of flahsback.
“You coming or not?” AJ asked, jerking Brian back to reality again.
“Eh...uh...what?” The Kentuckian looked up a bit confused.
“You were spacing out man,” AJ grinned. “Pulling a Nicky?
“Eh..yeah. I guess.” Brian had to blink several times since his memories had been so vivid that for a moment he had a hard time deciding if it had been happening all over again.
AJ gestured towards the elevators, “So coming along for a smoke then?”
“Sure.” His mouth felt dry all of a sudden and he didn’t know what to say. As they walked towards the lifts AJ asked, “Why did you space out so bad? What were you thinking about?” Brian didn’t have a chance to open the mouth before AJ continued, “Don’t tell me. A certain blonde that messes up things all the time?” There was a brief grin on his face.
“Yeah.” Brian didn’t feel like joking at a time like this.
“Okay. What was it about then?”
“You remember that time when Nick started to talk about what we would do if he didn’t make it?”
“Sure..which time?” AJ grinned but his face faced quickly. The young man went serious again when Brian threw him an annoyed look. “You mean a couple of weeks ago?”
“Yes. You know when you left the room since you suddenly had to have a smoke,” Brian spat.
“Hey.” AJ pushed the button to the elevator. “I hadn’t smoked all day and it was way past my time.”
“Yeah right. Whatever.” Brian decided that he wouldn’t press the issue. If smoking was his friends time of dealing with hard times these days it was much better than before when he had been drinking his days away. “
AJ looked strangely at him. “Okay? I hope me smoking isn’t the reason why you looked like a space cadet. Because if it is...you better get some freaking help.”
Brian shrugged. “No not really. What I was thinking of was that we never told Kaos that if something happened to him that we would stop as a group too.”
AJ frowned.“And your point is?”
“That maybe we should have said something...you know so he knows that we wouldn’t want to go on if he can’t be a part of this group.” Brian paused as they stepped into the car. “You know so he knows that he is way too important.”
“ He already knows that.”
“He does?” This time it was Brian's turn to frown.
“Yup and he knows that we love him like a brother. We are his family and you don’t let a family member down. Do you?”
Brian snorted. “That doesn’t seem to fit to his own family.”
“Maybe so.” Suddenly the roles were reversed and it was AJ being the wise one. “But we are his family and have always been. You know we are the ones he grew up with and we are the ones that has been at his side when times have been rough.” The younger man looked at the Kentuckian, “besides Bri I already told him.”
“You told him?” Brian couldn’t hide his confusion.
“Yeah he wanted to know and I told him what we had talked about that night after he’d tried talking to us about it. I told him that neither of us wanted to go on with the Backstreet Boys if for some reason none of us could participate. The Backstreet Boys are five members, no more not less.” AJ picked up his cigarette package from the front pocket as the eleveator stopped on the floor where the baclony was where they were allowed to smoke and they went out from the car.
Brian ran beside AJ who had picked up his pace, afraid that anyone would spot the two celebrities. “You told him without asking us?”
“Yep.” AJ opened the door. “Man it’s good to finally get some fresh air. That waiting room is so stuffy and it also gives me the creeps.”
“Why did you tell him then?”
“Because he asked me.”
“He did?” Brian had a hard time hiding the fact that Nick had asked AJ and not him about something like that. He bit his lip. This was not the same as if he had been the one to tell his little brother. The one to comfort him. During the past times Alex were never the messenger. Him, Kevin and possibly Howie but never Alexander James McLean! “I thought we decided not to say anything so we wouldn’t upset him. That he had too much to worry about beside that.”
“Yeah, and I think he had the right to know. Don’t you? ” AJ eyes him curiously. “Beside you were the one that felt bad for not saying anything a couple of minutes ago. What made you change your mind?”
Brian didn’t know how to answer.
“B sometimes you amaze me.” AJ blew out a puff off air like round smoke signals. “I know you’re his patíent advocate but that doesn’t mean that we can't talk to Nick about things, does it? If you haven’t noticed Nick is a grown man besides he has the right to know what we are planning when it comes to the group. If it was the fact that we would go on without him it would be another matter but this time I just told him that the Backstreet Boys would be through. Over. If something happend to ANYONE of us! What’s so bad about that?”
The Kentuckian shook his head. “It’s not that. Nick has told me that he wanted us to go on and telling him that if he left that we would quit too would mean that he would feel responsible for us too.”
AJ let out a laugh. “You don’t believe that Bri, do you?” Shaking his head he went on, “Nick is sick. Not stupid. He wouldn’t blame himself if we don’t want to go on. Beside he knows that we would do the same if anyone of us was had to leave for some reason.”
“I’ll guess.” Brian went quiet for a moment. “Do you think he’ll make it?”
Taking another drag of his ciggarette the rebel didn’t answer at once. After Brian had repeated his question again AJ suddenly looked very tired. “I don’t know. But I hope so.” He paused while putting the cancer stick out in the ashtray. “I hope by the grace of God that he makes it.”
