A Cold and chilled November night on the bus.
I think that I most have done hundreds, maybe even thousands of interviews through out the years and one of the questions we’ve been asked if there are any song that we regret singing. To that I can only say YES! The songs we sang in the beginning kind of stunk and they are so stupid that all they do these days is making me laugh. Howie would sing “Let me be your little lover boy” and then twitch his eye like he had something in it when it was in reality suppose to be sexy. We would also shake our asses and thinking about it we most have looked like a bunch of stupid fucks.
But even though we sounded and looked like crap there is still one thing that have etched through my mind and that is that we had some fun times. I loved travelling with the guys in this small bus that we had that didn’t have a proper bathroom or any bunks to sleep in. The result was that I had to learn how to sit up and sleep and it was no wonder that our legs and back was stiff when we woke up the next morning.
The high school tour back in the fall of 1994 lasted for several months and we travelled all over the continent. Mom and sometimes dad travelled with me for most of the parts, at least in the beginning, as did my tutor Gabri..shit I forgot her name…anyway since my pears couldn’t be with me all the time they left Donna and Johnny and Lou, of course, in charge for me but in reality that meant that the guys took over the parenting responsibility and if it wasn’t for them there is no telling what would have happened.
Entertaining almost every day, always twice but sometimes three times a day, was fun but held also lots of hard work. Since we never got to sleep in a hotel but had to stay all the time in the bus I was always restless, full of energy that needed to be worked out. I remember giving everything I had on that high school tour and it was no wonder that in between the performing I was tired as a washrag, even though it was nothing compared to what I would go through later on.
***************************************Flashback****************************
It was night and we were on the bus. Staring outside into the darkness I watched as several small villages went by us. Some of the houses were lit up and they looked so cosy that for a moment I thought of asking our driver to stop the bus and let me off. Anything would be better than being stuck here freezing my butt off. The reason for my discomfort was because of Lou; the cheap bastard as Kevin expressed it, had turned down the heat system a knot in an attempt to save money which resulted in all of us freezing from the cold. I don’t think it would have bothered me so much if it wasn’t for the fact that we were in the Midwest, in Nebraska in the middle of November and everyone that has been here knows what I’m talking about. The weather changes all the time, one minute it’s hot and sunny only to be cold and snowy the next. Ok maybe not so fast but you get my point. Today however it was both cold and snowy which is pretty bad for me being the Florida boy that I am.
The bus was quiet and all but I and Kevin were fast asleep. Even the adults, Donna, Johnny, Lou and AJ’s mom Denise were fast asleep. Brian, who was sitting on the opposite side of me was snoring loudly and it was a wonder that he hadn’t woke anyone up with the noise he was making. Usually it’s Howie that’s snoring but this afternoon Brian had complained over a stuffed nose, a headache and by the look of it he was running a fever too. Both AJ and Howie was a bit run down and D was so hoarse that he couldn’t sing which was pretty bad since he is the one that holds most of our leads.
Mom had been with me on the road until this morning when she had to go back to Florida to take care of my siblings. Dad had gotten a trucker job and for the first time ever since I started this group I was all alone on the road. It felt strange and now I was feeling homesick. . Luckily for me we were heading back home within a week and even if we had been touring on and off, not all the time for these past three months I still longed until I would be able to sleep in a real bed. I missed all my friends in Ruskin too and as soon as I got back again we would hang out together. But for now I had some more shows to do.
Shifting in my seat I decided that these bus seats were really uncomfortable and I was trying to find the best position to sleep in. For once I could actually thank my lucky star that I was the shortest kid in my class and I didn’t take up that much space either. Things like that actually helped while sleeping on the bus. The guys at my school thought that I was a nerd and I had to withstand words like; “Shorty! Did you cut your legs?” and “If you don’t make it in that stupid group of yours you can always make it in the film industry…as a midget!” I did my best not to let it bother me but deep inside it hurt and I rather not think about it.
Just when I finally found an acceptable position on the seat I moved and my blanket dropped to the floor. I groaned from discomfort. “Darn” Bending down, upset to have lost my spot I was just about to pick up the blanket when a voice said to me, “Here you go Kaos.” Before I could react the blanket was placed in my lap. “You dropped this.”
Looking back I was met with Kevin’s green eyes staring at me.
“Oh gee thanks.” Once accepting the “gift” I wrapped myself in like a cocoon in it and then leaned casually against the window. It sure was draft in the bus.
Kevin made no move to get back to his seat and he asked me. “You’re that cold?” A frown was etched on his forehead.
“Sort of.” Another chill ran down my back and I mumbled, “God it’s freezing in here.”
I bent down upset over having to loose my comfortable spot. Just when I was about to reach for the blanket a voice told me, “Here you go Kaos.” A hand picked up the blanket and I looked up into Kevin’s green eyes. “I thought you would need this.”
“Oh ok.” Accepting the gift I wrapped myself up in the navy-blue wood blanket like a cocoon.
He gave me a strange look. “Ok I have to agree with you that this bus isn’t the warmest around here but to say that it’s freezing and being wrapped in, in that isn’t a bit too much. Don’t you think?” He pointed at my blanket.
“Uh huh.” I felt annoyed over him questioning something as simple as this. “That’s your opinion then,” I snarled. “No matter what you think it’s still cold in here and I feel like I’m stuck somewhere up in the Artic pole.”
It was either the comment or the fact that I was blowing on my hands to get me some warmth that made him ask with a worried expression on his face, “You’re not coming down with that virus that the rest of the guys seems to suffer from are you?” Swiftly he moved his hand to feel my forehead when I shrugged away.
“No.” I shook my head. “No I’m fine.” When he looked like he didn’t believe me I added with a smile, “Quit worrying so much Kevin. Everything is just peachy.”
A sigh could be heard. “If you say so.”
Hoping that he had dropped the subject I opened my mouth to ask what he was doing up this time at night when Kevin said with a tone that reminded me of my own dad. “You know Nick it wouldn’t be good for you if you caught that cold too since the last thing we need right now is another one loosing his voice.” He was referring to Howie and his croaking sound. “We’ve got another show to do tomorrow.”
Like I didn’t know that already.
“I know Kev but you don’t have to worry. I’m fine besides the reason for these chills isn’t me catching some dam..” Kevin gave me his eye and I corrected my language. “I mean a bug. It’s because I was out too long in the cold making snowman with Brian and those girls that I met today.”
“Girls?” Kevin’s voice raised an octave. “What girls? You mean the one at the show? And what snowman?” The look he gave me told me that he was either trying to decide if I was lying and really ran a temperature or if I was just being plain stupid. My bet is on the second option.
I felt that an explanation would come great at hand.
“After the show today me and Brian went outside to get some air, you know how stuffy it can be inside those locker rooms.” We had been performing at a high school gym. “And also Bri thought that if he got some fresh air his sinuses would clear up.” Kevin glared at me but I did my best to ignore him. “Then we met these two really cute girls and they started to talk to us and they wanted us to go for a walk down to the mall and we did since Brian thought it would be good to by something for his sinus and then..” Kevin interrupted me.
“Breathe Nick. Breathe.”
He thought I was talking way too fast which I was by the way but I always do this when I’m either stressed or nervous or excited over something. Today it was the first two feelings that I felt. After breathing in a couple of deep breathes I went on with my story.
“We walked by this park when we saw a bunch of kids that were making snowmen and it looked so much fun and first we started to throw snowballs at each other and then we decided to make a snowman. A backstreet one.” I giggled but shut up instantly when I saw the disapproving look Kevin gave me.
“So that was where you guys were. I thought Johnny told you to go and load the equipment into the bus.”
I blushed. “He did but then we met these girls and..”
“So you said,” Kevin cut me short. “No wonder that Brian’s cold have gotten so much worse this afternoon.” Looking at me he went on, “Nick please tell me that you didn’t go outside without your coats. Please tell me that not even you are that stupid.”
I felt hurt by those words. Shifting nervously in my seat I stuttered, “Eh..Uh..I don’t know what you’re talking about.” What was I going to say since that was exactly what had happened.
“You did, didn’t you?” A deep sigh could be heard as Kevin was taking in the truth. He sure sighs often, I wonder why? “Don’t you think that was a stupid thing to do?” He didn’t sound upset more tired as he spat out the words.
“Ehh..Yeah.” Kevin was right. That was not one of my smartest moves, that I had to agree too but I felt that it wasn’t entirely my fault so I said, “If this bus hadn’t been so cold I would have warmed down pretty fast but now when Lou have turned down the heat to save money all I can do is freeze my butt off.” Hopefully that speech would help Kevin to understand my situation and it would bring me sympathy.
But then do pigs fly? Does Nick Carter ever get sympathy? No didn’t think it either and that was exactly how Kevin’s sympathy for me worked.
“Nick don’t think that I feel sorry for you! You brought this on you all by yourself. If you hadn’t been so stupid to go outside in just a sweater when it was cold you wouldn’t have to feel as miserable as you do right now.”
“I’m not miserable.” I don’t like it when Kevin tries to act like he knows how I feel.
“Whatever.” Another sigh. This guys should be in a sighing contest and I bet he would win. “In anyway Kaos if you want you can borrow my jacket. It’s warm and you would feel nice and comfy in no time not to mention less chilled.”
I was so tempted to say yes and take the offer but that would mean giving in and that is not something I do too often. At least not for something simple as this. “Thanks but I’m just fine as it is.”
“You sure?” Kevin looked doubtfully at me.
“Yes!” Pulling a white lie I added, “I’m not that cold anymore and I think I’m only a little tired now.” Praying that my body wouldn’t let me down and I would be wracked with another shiver I mumbled. “I think I’ll try to get some sleep now. It’s late.”
“Ok that sounds like a plan. Sleep would do you good.” He stood up from the hunched down position he’d been in and before leaving he said, “You know if you feel cold again and change your mind you can always borrow my jacket. It’s fine by me.”
“’k.” I turned my face towards the window so that he would know that I wasn’t up to talking any longer. Kevin took the hint and it didn’t take long before he said, “Good night then.”
“Goodnight.” When he’d left I quickly wrapped myself up in that blanket and hoped for sleep to overcome me. But my attempts were futile and after shifting for what seemed like forever I decided that maybe that offer Kevin gave me about borrowing his jacket, since his was much warmer than mine but more important bigger, wasn’t that bad.
After debating mentally if I should or shouldn’t get up and walk over to Kevin who I saw was still reading in his book I decided that I had nothing to loose and on stiff legs, wrapped up in that blanket, I made my way over to his seat. He was so engrossed in reading that at first he didn’t notice me and I coughed lightly to get his attention. “Eh..Uh Kev?” I was talking softly, afraid that I wouldn’t get him in a pissed mood or wake anyone in the bus up.
“Mmmm.” He wasn’t listening. That one was for sure.
I decided to give it another try. “Uh Kevin?” This time he looked up, in surprise.
“Nick?” His voice was hoarse from exhaustion. “I thought you were asleep?”
“No I couldn’t do that.” I shifted nervously and then when he looked at me expecting me to say something more I mumbled, “Do you think it’s too late for me to take up that offer you gave me?”
“The offer?” He gave me a confused look.
Groaning inwardly, since I despise having to ask others for help I mumbled, “Yes to borrow that jacket of yours, you know.” At that moment another shiver ran through my body and I could feel my teeth start to chatter. I stuck my hands under my blanket. “It’s like an ice cube in here.”
That last comment sent Kevin into a blast of action. Quickly he stood up and then pulled down his jacket from the overhead compartment. “Here,” he said handing me the clothing. “Take this on and maybe you will feel a bit warmer.” He sat down on his seat again.
“Thanks.” I put the big jacket on me and at once felt like a small Kevin. Grateful that he had given me this to wear I mumbled, “Thanks I really appreciate it.”
“No problem. Just don’t drool on it.” It was meant as a joke but I knew that there was some seriousness involved too. Kevin disliked it very much when others were dirtying his clothes. “ Nick why don’t you come and sit here. It’s very late and you most are totally exhausted. If you want you can sleep here beside me. That would warm you up even more,” he suggested.
I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”
“Why not?” Kevin frowned at my unexpected answer.
I blushed, feeling a bit stupid over the reason I had for not sitting down. “I can’t sleep if it isn’t by the window.”
“Oh,” he looked at me and then stood up. “Then take my seat.”
My eyes widened. “No I can’t do that.” There were limits to what a guy could do besides I had my own place just a few rows down and that would be just fine for me.
“Nonsense.” He more or less pushed me down. “Here Nick make yourself comfortable.” A gentle smile was on his lips and even if I didn’t want to admit it I felt both safe and warm with him. I curled up into a small ball; my head leaning against the cold window and the blanket as well as the jacket was wrapped around me. Tight. Strangely I felt a bit weird and even if I was very tired I couldn’t relax.
Kevin sat down beside me and picked up his book. “I think I’m going to read for a little while. Hope you don’t mind.”
I shrugged my shoulders and then sighed heavily like all of the worlds troubles laid on my back. It felt so strange being left alone in the bus even if I wasn’t all alone since I had the guys with me.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I was lying but didn’t feel like I wanted to give away any further explanation.
“It’s never nothing with you Kaos,” Kevin said shaking his head. “Now tell me what’s on your mind.” When I didn’t answer he asked, “Is it something I said?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Something one of the guys said?”
“No.”
“Then what is it?” Kevin thought for a moment before asking, “You sure that you feel all right?”
“Yes!” I really wasn’t very talkative. Maybe it was the fact that I was starting to feel tired that made me act like this. Silent.
“Ok.” He sat down beside me while I stared out into the darkness. When I had been silent much too long he asked, “Is it your mother then? That she left you today?” I shivered violently at the words which left him continue with his questioning, “Do you feel homesick? You miss her that bad?”
With those words he really touched a sore spot inside of me.
It was like Kevin had twisted a knife to my heart and I felt my tears dwell up in my eyes. Swallowing hard I did my best not to start crying. At that moment I realised that he was right and this was the reason why I was feeling so testy and probably cold too. I was so homesick that my heart ached.
“A little.” I piped up while I was doing my best to hold back my tears. Before long I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“That’s Ok Nick,” Kevin said softly. “It’s ok to feel sad and homesick.” When I didn’t answer since the tears had started to roll down my cheeks now he whispered so that no one else would hear, “You know I feel that too sometimes.”
“Feel what?” I mumbled as I did my best to wipe away the tears.
“Feel homesick and sad and lonely. Just like you do right now.”
Those words startled me. Did Kevin feel like that too? Turning around I noticed that he was dead serious and that he had a worried expression in his face. “You do?”
“Yes.” He nodded and then lightly squeezed my shoulder. “Is this the first time that you’re alone without any of your parents? I mean for touring?”
“Mmm.” I was doing my best to make my voice seem strong but it cracked badly. Then before I knew it I had spilled how lonely and lost I felt and that I missed being at home and that everything was so new for me. I turned myself inside and out for Kevin like old wool sock that needed to get the dirt of me.
Kevin listened patiently and when I was done, sobbing quietly as a result of everything I told him and all the feelings I had stirred up he said, “Maybe you should try and relax buddy. I’m sure that you’re tired and that you need some sleep.” He stroke my back in those calming moves that mom always did when I was upset over something. “Calm down and maybe you won’t feel so cold anymore too.”
For once I did as Kevin suggested and closed my eyes and strangely I noticed almost instantly that I was feeling much better and that the cold that had my bones in a tight grip was starting to go away. Instead a warm comforting feeling was replaced inside of me and I drifted off in to a blessed sleep.
